Chris Brown: It Was Self-Defence, Honest
If the Chris Brown/ Rihanna mess was a film – and it’s only a matter of time – then this is the act-two climax.
Act one was about the incident itself. Act three will potentially be about Chris Brown getting bummed in jail. And right now is the part where Chris Brown frantically tries to find a decent line of defence for allegedly beating Rihanna up. For the record, Chris Brown’s apparently planning on pleading self-defence.
And that strikes us as just monstrously dumb. Honestly, Chris Brown would have been better off pleading insanity. It’d be watertight – have you seen that moustache?
Now that we’ve had all the shocking revelations about Chris Brown and Rihanna that we can take – just yesterday we learnt that Rihanna may have been pregnant at the time of the incident, that Chris Brown may have used a flamethrower on Rihanna and that, for a short time, both of them turned into giant Power Rangers-style megazords and rampaged through LA leaving ruined buildings and crying orphans in their wake – it’s time to move on.
Specifically, it’s time to move on to Chris Brown’s court appearance. Although he’s yet to be charged with anything, Chris Brown is scheduled to appear in court next Thursday. And that means getting some sort of strategy in order, because lawyers and juries are notoriously more difficult to impress with a grin and some dance moves stolen from the Smooth Criminal video than a gaggle of borderline-illiterate teenage pop fans.
So what will Chris Brown do? Plead not guilty? That’ll be difficult because he’s already issued an apology. Plead guilty? What, and ruin his career? There’s just one thing for it – Chris Brown will need to enter a plea of self-defence. Which is something he’s seriously thinking about, as Digital Spy reports:
An insider close to Brown’s legal team told Life & Style that the singer is already preparing his position if charges are filed against him following his arrest. The source said: “Chris is already building his case. He’s saying she threw a phone at him, then hit him in the head and basically just lost it. He’s saying she attacked him.”
Well that might stand up in court, because we’ve all seen those photos of Chris Brown’s bruised fac… oh, wait, no – those were pictures of Rihanna’s bruised face, weren’t they? Our mistake – maybe Rihanna’s face only got so messed up because she wouldn’t stop headbutting him or something.
Anyway, if Chris Brown does decide to go down the self-defence route he’ll need to tread incredibly carefully – he’ll need to prove that Rihanna was angry enough to physically threaten him, while also trying to convince the jury.
And that all depends on who makes up the jury. If it’s a well-picked, intelligent cross-section of the community, Chris Brown could have his work cut out for him. On the other hand, if the jury is exclusively made up of hecklerspray commenters the he’ll probably just need to explain that he punched Rihanna because she’s got a funny voice and he’ll be let free and presented with the keys to the city.
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That’ll teach her not to attack his fists with her face.
OK, I suppose that Rihanna was expert in kung fu or something and that was the reason he needed to hit her.
Everytime i see that bastard pic of him i want to hurt my monitor!!
she is so full of crap she needs to stop with her titi attacks and get over it…
He could try the “black rage” defence.
Oh, hang on – what color is Rihanna? Would that be a factor?
I hope my wife doesn’t find out about this. She’ll try it on me. She shot her first husband, but I didn’t find that out until we were married a year.
She’s kind of… beige. Ish.
Julian Mentat you sound like a biggot. Did you really just say “Black Rage?” Oh that’s right, I forgot all racists think all blacks are angry. I guess it makes it easier to be racist if you think you have a reason to be. In 2009 it’s just kind of sad to see there are still dumb bastards like you in the world.
i can sympathize with chris………have you ever had a girl or woman slap you around with her boobs……….it’s dangerous…………
I feel like he should have beat her up, because she was wrong for that now she done messed up a perfectly good life
I don’t condone physical abuse, but Rhianna had no more right to touch him, than he her. I think CB is being unfairly judged based on the pictures. Sure she got a beat-down, but she threw the 1st punch. Don’t put your hands on anybody if you are not ready for it to be reciprocated!
See this is why I think everyone should be placed in staisis bubbles and live out our lives like in the Matrix.
This way we’d have no pollution, no wars, no harming of each other, no hurt feelings, no going to the bathroom then taking a shower just to find out you have to go to the bathroom again, no root canals, no premature ejaculation, no more unwanted babies, no more communisim, no more capitialisim, no more of the fuzz from your socks getting stuck in your toes and no more of this boring story.
What? could I ask you a couple of questions…
[1] Why didn’t you look up “Black Rage” in Wikipedia before you assumed I invented it?
[2] Why do you think I’m not black?
I personally am quite a fan of sock fuzz between my toes. Just saying…
Sarah,
I don’t mind it either, but then it gets caught in the rug and it’s really hard to get out. Even with a vaccume. One time I had to go on my hands and knees and pick it out of the rug. Who really wants to bother with that.
Heh. Hooper X in chasing Amy.
What?
“dumb Bastards”
Why you hattin people who’s momma’s don’t know who da babies daddy is???
chris brown is wrong.point blank.and rhianas stupid for taking him baq!!!!!!!!