Oh yeah, you heard. Rihanna was pregnant. Or Rihanna is pregnant. Or Rihanna wasn’t ever pregnant at all. But definitely one of those three. Unless there’s a fourth option that we haven’t accounted for, like it was Chris Brown who was pregnant. We don’t know, we’re not obstetricians.
But anyway, some reports are suggesting that Rihanna was pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby when he allegedly attacked her this month. Goodness, Chris Brown and Rihanna really want be on Maury, don’t they.
Alright, this is getting silly now. That’s not to say that the Chris Brown/ Rihanna malarkey wasn’t pretty silly to begin with – the thought alone of a weedy R&B pipecleaner like Chris Brown being able to beat up a coldly emotionless cyborg like Rihanna borders on the preposterous, let alone the fact that Oprah Winfrey’s chum felt the need to weigh in with her opinion – but this? This is barmy.
Because now it’s been rumoured that Rihanna was pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby at the time that he allegedly went mental and choked her unconscious before the Grammys this month. So, you know, perhaps the whole harrowing incident was down to a hilarious misunderstanding over the term ‘knocked up’. According to The Insider:
Star Magazine had a juicy tidbit of information recently and they claim that Rihanna might be pregnant. Word on the streets is that she knew before the Chris Brown fight but she was hesitant to tell him because she thought he might react badly or get upset.
Another plan flawlessly executed by Rihanna, then. The report goes on to state that Rihanna had been to see an ob-gyn at an LA hospital before the incident and was acting ‘nervous, upset and fidgety’ during the meeting. We don’t know about you, but that doesn’t seem like the behaviour of a pregnant woman – all the pregnant women we know eat coal and scream “I’m PREGNANT you unthoughtful BASTARD!” when we don’t give up our seat on the bus for them.
The reports don’t seem to know what the state of Rihanna’s alleged pregnancy is at the moment, though – which makes us suspect that the whole thing was cooked up just to keep this story going for a few more days. Admittedly that’s wishful thinking on our part, since a half Chris Brown/ half Rihanna baby would be bound by genetics to have a head shaped exactly like an alien prawn, a set of teeth that looks like a ceramic shotgun wound and the world’s most humiliating bumfluff moustache.
Not to mention the fact that the baby would be so violent that it’d kick down the maternity ward as soon as it opened its eyes. Allegedly.
But maybe the story is true. maybe Rihanna really is pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby. In which case, the next revelation we can expect is that Rihanna is also Chris Brown’s sister, and also his mother, and also that she isn’t Rihanna at all but Rihanna’s evil twin sister who nobody knew about. And also that Chris Brown had a microchip implanted in his brain by an evil scientist that repeats the word ‘kill’ all the time. And also that, we dunno, one of them is a wasp or something. We refuse to be surprised by anything any more.