The Chris Brown/ Rihanna saga is like a soap – a really bad soap about the most inexplicable pregnancy ever.
Oh yeah, you heard. Rihanna was pregnant. Or Rihanna is pregnant. Or Rihanna wasn’t ever pregnant at all. But definitely one of those three. Unless there’s a fourth option that we haven’t accounted for, like it was Chris Brown who was pregnant. We don’t know, we’re not obstetricians.
But anyway, some reports are suggesting that Rihanna was pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby when he allegedly attacked her this month. Goodness, Chris Brown and Rihanna really want be on Maury, don’t they.
Alright, this is getting silly now. That’s not to say that the Chris Brown/ Rihanna malarkey wasn’t pretty silly to begin with – the thought alone of a weedy R&B pipecleaner like Chris Brown being able to beat up a coldly emotionless cyborg like Rihanna borders on the preposterous, let alone the fact that Oprah Winfrey’s chum felt the need to weigh in with her opinion – but this? This is barmy.
Because now it’s been rumoured that Rihanna was pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby at the time that he allegedly went mental and choked her unconscious before the Grammys this month. So, you know, perhaps the whole harrowing incident was down to a hilarious misunderstanding over the term ‘knocked up’. According to The Insider:
Star Magazine had a juicy tidbit of information recently and they claim that Rihanna might be pregnant. Word on the streets is that she knew before the Chris Brown fight but she was hesitant to tell him because she thought he might react badly or get upset.
Another plan flawlessly executed by Rihanna, then. The report goes on to state that Rihanna had been to see an ob-gyn at an LA hospital before the incident and was acting ‘nervous, upset and fidgety’ during the meeting. We don’t know about you, but that doesn’t seem like the behaviour of a pregnant woman – all the pregnant women we know eat coal and scream “I’m PREGNANT you unthoughtful BASTARD!” when we don’t give up our seat on the bus for them.
The reports don’t seem to know what the state of Rihanna’s alleged pregnancy is at the moment, though – which makes us suspect that the whole thing was cooked up just to keep this story going for a few more days. Admittedly that’s wishful thinking on our part, since a half Chris Brown/ half Rihanna baby would be bound by genetics to have a head shaped exactly like an alien prawn, a set of teeth that looks like a ceramic shotgun wound and the world’s most humiliating bumfluff moustache.
Not to mention the fact that the baby would be so violent that it’d kick down the maternity ward as soon as it opened its eyes. Allegedly.
But maybe the story is true. maybe Rihanna really is pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby. In which case, the next revelation we can expect is that Rihanna is also Chris Brown’s sister, and also his mother, and also that she isn’t Rihanna at all but Rihanna’s evil twin sister who nobody knew about. And also that Chris Brown had a microchip implanted in his brain by an evil scientist that repeats the word ‘kill’ all the time. And also that, we dunno, one of them is a wasp or something. We refuse to be surprised by anything any more.
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Shooty* says
Chris Brown is actually dating John Travolta, and the whole relationship with Rihanna is a sham to bolster his public image. The baby is actually Billy Dee Williams’.
‘s true.
COCO says
RIHANNA, IS GOING OVERBOARD WITH THIS MAKING A STATEMENT SHE WOULDN’T KNOW HOW CHRIS WOULD ACT, BY TELLING HIM SHE IS PREGNANT, I THINK HE WOULD BE HAPPY. PLUS I DON’T THINK HE WOULD HAVE CHOKE HER THAT WAY UNLESS HE FOUND OUT THE BABY WASN’T HIS, IF SHE IS REALLY PREGANT, ONLY THEY WOULD KNOW. I THINK RIHANNA PUSH HIS BUTTON, THAT WAS BUILDING UP FOR A LONG TIME AND CHRIS JUST SNAP. WHO REALLY KNOWS, I’AM NOT WITH THE BEATING ON HER, BUT WHO TOO SAY HOW LONG THIS BEEN GOING WITH RIHNANNA AND HER LIES AND MOST OF THE TIME CHRIS WALK AWAY. THE BROTHER IS YOUNG AND WENT OFF. SHE NOT All THAT INNOCENT NOW DAYS WHO IS JUST DON’T BLAME IT ALL ON CHRIS BROWN
beth says
has anyone stopped to think the whole story could be a ploy, that they are sick of the paparazzi so they only way they can be together as a normal Couple is to just destroy their careers and become nobody’s again?
Moomoogyptsy says
I just think Rihanna is a hoe dog.
Tom J says
Are they sure the baby isn’t in her stomach? Because I can fully believe that she eats babies.
nae says
chris you should be shamed!!! thats all i have to say. dont ever in your little life put your hands on a female! its called being a jerK!!
BaBy_D says
Fucking (A)… LEAVE THERE LIFE’S THE FUCK ALONE!
Jaleesa says
Stop lyin Chris Brown ain’t gay so plez get yo shit 2gether Bitch!!!!!!!
Julian Mentat says
I think that Chris Brown did nothing. I think that Coco was present at the scene, and Coco beat up Rihanna when she said “Why can’t you use the SHIFT LOCK?”
(See, Coco, you’re not the only one who can write total crap to get Chris Brown off the hook. )
magnetite says
I suspect that Rihanna merely had a Cabbage Patch Doll stuffed up her jumper. Chris (being as his defenders say ‘only young’ and ‘just nineteen’) was understandably confused by this, had a brainstorm (not the good kind), and defaulted back to using the primitive satellite brains in his hands.
JoeMomma says
I’ll go with the baby in the stomach thing, her picture here on hecklerspray looks Zombieriffic!
Shooty* says
I’MA TELL YO BITCHES ITS BILLY DEE WILLIAMS STRAIGHT UP LOL
Sleepless in Seattle says
Chris Chris Chris….You are so stupid! You had a great career going and then your young ass goes and messes it up by beating your girlfriend up. There’s really no way you can get out of this, the entertainment world is against you and those pictures of RihRih’s face all battered up is really sickening. Next time you decide to put your hands on another female…think twice, you idiot!
Your EX Fan!
magnetite says
Oh, man…how could I have missed Jaleesa’s comment?
Jaleesa – for you and your ilk, here’s a ditty.
Handsome star Rock Hudson was gay,
The studios kept that hidden away,
His looks had all the ladies swooning,
So they kept schtum about man-spooning,
Not saying Chris is, not saying it’s true,
But if it was they wouldn’t tell you,
The fact he gets your knickers wringing,
Keeps the store tills all ker-chinging,
You’ll only find out after he’s dead,
That he liked eating sausage in bed.
(I’ll be here all week folks. Tips go in the glass on the piano.)
Lee says
i think that chris hit rihanna for being an ass. even if rihanna was pregnant he shouldn’t of hit her. that is JUST WRONG.
neakey says
well if you ask me I think they relly have feelings for each other they should have never let that get around.I still love Chris Brown and I don’t think he did thatI don’t think he would do anything to hurt Rihanna in any kind of way and I still have respect for both Rihanna AND Chris Brown!
your daddy says
Unless there
penis man says
my penis emploded
star69 says
all yall are so dumb and retarted…tha last message that was sent on there was jus pure d stupid….and u know good and well that baby (if she is pregnant) is not by no dam billy dee williams with his old ass….and i guess dats it..