Chris Brown Gets All Like “Yeah, OK, I Flipping Did It”
Remember Chris Brown? You may know him as the giganto-toothed singer who hit Rihanna. Or as the giganto-toothed singer who admitted hitting Rihanna.
Or you may know Chris Brown as the giganto-toothed singer who changed his mind and said that he didn’t hit Rihanna. The point is, it doesn’t matter. All those definitions are obsolete. Because now Chris Brown must only be referred to as the giganto-toothed singer who’s sort of admitted to hitting Rihanna a bit in court but won’t go to jail because he’s going to be a binman instead.
So, you know, please update your files accordingly.
Since February, the world has been asking itself just two questions about Chris Brown and Rihanna. The first question was ‘For the love of all that’s holy, why won’t anyone shut up about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Why? They’re not even really that famous, are they?’ and the second, slightly more relevant, question was ‘Is Chris Brown a monster?’
The latter has been a hotly contested issue ever since Chris Brown was arrested for beating Rihanna up inside a car four months ago. On the side of Chris Brown being a monster was a photo of Rihanna’s horrifically mauled face, a graphic police description of the incident and sort of Usher a bit. On the side of Chris Brown not being a monster was, um, a load of internet folk who can’t spell particularly well and an unidentified boggle-eyed chap who shouts the phrase “Beleeey dat!” with such crushing regularity that we can only assume he was dropped on his head as a baby.
Anyway, in court yesterday we finally got our definitive answer. Is Chris Brown a monster? Well, he sort of might be, but it kind of probably depends on what your definition of a monster is.
That’s because yesterday Chris Brown pleaded guilty to one count of felony assault as part of a plea deal reached with prosecutors. By doing so, Chris Brown ensured that he wouldn’t go to jail for anything more serious – but that’s not to say he won’t go unpunished, as EW reports:
Brown… must stay 50 yards away from Rihanna unless the two are present at the same event, in which case he must stay 10 yards away from her, and he is forbidden from contacting her in any way. The deal includes 180 days of community service such as trash removal in Virginia, along with five years of supervised probation and a court-mandated 52-week domestic violence counseling program.
We’ve actually obtained a detailed copy of the court order and it makes for interesting reading. For example, not only will Chris Brown have to keep 50 yards from Rihanna at all times or 10 yards at a party, but if they find themselves trapped in a lift together Chris Brown is ordered to stand in the opposite corner to her, jam his fingers into his ears and hum the theme tune to Dynasty as loudly as possible. If the lift is too full for this to happen, Chris Brown must then revert to Plan B – holding his his breath and assuming the identity of a bisexual Argentinian midget named Rodrigo Fernandez.
It’s a fair deal really. At least this way Chris Brown won’t bugger up his teeth trying to gnaw at the bars of jail cell because it read a text message from his other girlfriend or anything.
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i ws nat hpy the festday i had that the two celeb wer dating. rihanah dosnt lv cris. if i wer cris nometar what i will never thnk of rhnah again. criss wake up bro u are still a young boy but ordy in such stuation……….//////…
Lardhishas,whats wrong,too stupid to learn how to spell,lazy ass dimwit
SHUT UP DAMN THATS HIZ WAY OF WRITIN THINGZZZZ Y U EVEN CARE OF HOW HE WRITE…..HE AINT IMPORTANT 2 U
I have nothing to add to the above.
Beleeeeey dat.
This development is manna from heaven for Hecklerspray comment funs.
*buys popcorn and large sugar-based drink*
Ok this article is pretty pitiful..it’s over with let them be and live their lives! They don’t care what any of you have to say so why waste your breath??
The same reason you wasted your time reading it Jacob. It’s always good to hear someone getting what they deserve.
Wasn’t there a study a while ago saying that people who listen to R&B have the lowest IQ? I think Lardhisass has proved it.
Looks like a chicken was pecking at a keyboard.
JoeMomma
What are you 80?
Nope, just discerning.
i dnt think itz true im not saying thiz juz b/c i like hiz songs NO im saying this b/c i dnt think none of it iz wut really happend…n if it did dnt u think they would have not let him make more music duhh…..nd idc wut u ppl think talkin bout”o he iz a monster h beat her up”well u guys have ur opinion n i have mine…..n relly im not sayig thiz cuz i like hiz music UQHHH
DAMN LET THEM LIVE……….DNT BOTHER THEM PPLZ DA FOLLOW THEM ALOT GEESH…..YA JUZ LIKE GETTIN MONEY N DNT THINK OGF DA PPLZ U CAN HURT IN DA WAY THERE……..
Just another sad tale about a man seriously abusing a woman. Tragic, but difference here, celebrity status. I think he deserved much harsher punishment.
Regarding the post; sure, let’s make light of this issue and fun had by one all all with exception of those who’ve faced this issue and those who may eventually will.
Thing that completely repulsed me, the fact he bit her. Like an animal. I’ve experienced spousal abuse and find it challenging to locate humor within the perimeters; consider me a wet blanket.
ashanty did you just shake a bunch of letters in your hand and then throw them at the screen?? what the f**k is that load of old bollocks??
ashanty is what you get from having free computors in the getto’s public library.
ashanty the other things there on shelves are books. Ask the librarian to find you a book on 3rd grade grammar/spelling.
I hope she can read this…