Chris Brown has never been easy to trust – a Michael Jackson fixation and deliberately creepy moustache? Ugh.
But not even nasty facial hair can compete with this. Because Chris Brown has just been booked in an alleged incident that’s being treated as a possible felony battery case. And since a) Chris Brown’s girlfriend is Rihanna and b) Rihanna cancelled her Grammy performance last night, that can only mean one thing.
Chris Brown and Rihanna have put together an elaborate honeytrap system to lure and attack a procession of innocent young women. Or Chris Brown hit Rihanna. Or neither of these things.
Chris Brown and Rihanna were the golden couple of pop. Between them, they answered the age-old question of ‘what would it be like if Michael Jackson and Grace Jones reversed in age by about three decades, got romantically involved and ceased to write any memorable pop songs whatsoever?’
But – and this is just a wild hunch – we’re not so sure that Chris Brown and Rihanna are the golden couple of anything any more. That’s because Chris Brown has been charged with a felony in connection with a domestic violence incident, and the only people that we’d imagine Chris Brown can be domestically violent to are Rihanna, his Hispanic cleaning maid – which is unlikely since, as a properly-developed human being, she’s about eight times bigger than him – or a rudimentary plasticine model of himself that he made and keeps as a shrine to his preposterous ego. CNN has details:
“Detectives investigating the alleged domestic violence felony battery booked him for criminal threats,” a statement said. His girlfriend, singer Rihanna, abruptly canceled her planned Grammys performance, but neither her spokesman nor the show organizers gave a reason. Police have not identified the alleged victim, who they said “suffered visible injuries and identified Brown as her attacker.”
If you ask us, something doesn’t add up here. Perhaps it’s the lack of details given by the police, or perhaps it’s the unfortunate timing of the incident, or perhaps it’s the fact that Chris Brown is the weediest person on the face of the earth and the only way that he could possibly inflict visible injuries on a woman is either if she was made entirely out of tissue paper or had skin that dissolves when boys cry on it. Actually, after some consideration, we’ve decided that it’s definitely the last one. Definitely.
Anyway, Rihanna or otherwise, we hope the victim of this alleged Chris Brown domestic violence incident can recover both physically and emotionally in time, before reuniting to star in the inevitable upcoming lighthearted musical version of Nil By Mouth.
And besides, is it really all that bad? True, Chris Brown has been accused of doing something pretty monstrous – and potentially to a beloved pop superstar, too – but it did mean that both Chris Brown and Rihanna cancelled their Grammy performances, thus making last night’s Grammys about six minutes shorter as a result.
And, while we’d never condone a thing like domestic violence, if the spouses of U2, Aerosmith, Steely Dan, Coldplay, Foo Fighters and Lil’ Wayne feel like going medieval with a cricket bat this time next year, there’s a very good chance that we’ll turn a blind eye.
christian says
dam out of order, allegedly…
Lynne Gordon says
Rhiaana was HOSPITALIZED with a possibly broken nose and/or broken jaw.
Even a p***y like Chris can get lucky with a haymaker punch and break something. He got lucky, and did.
Having been on the wrong end of a fist, I can tell you that Rhianna will NOT be able to have her nose worked on for at LEAST 8 months to a year. So expect to see VERY LITTLE of her publicly for the next year or so until the surgery fixes her nose and it heals.
I hope Mr. Punch Up goes to prison and that his career is kaput. NO EXCUSE to hit a woman in the face, especially if you supposedly care for that same woman.
Chris Brown is SCUM.
Ria52022 says
ITS…A…SHAME
WHY CHRIS WHY WHY WHY
sowhat says
Honestly there should be a reason why he did it. And if it is a good reason for what he did then who cares.
david says
I think that it is all rumors until i hear out of chris and rhiana mouth then it is a rumor
Stephanie says
I think that probably Rihanna made something bad to get Chris Brown mad. But then i think that’s NO reason to hit a girl even if u r that mad.
Theresa .B.K.A. Absolute says
? really don’t care what went on…? really do still love Chris Brown no matter what went on…? love Rihanna too but as we don’t know if its true or not but on the news thay said that the singer Rihanna made a fake phone call home and said ?’ll be there and make sure the “POLICE” are there when ? get there…If that was true then me personally ? feel that that was wrong…Rihanna pulled herself into that situation all thoughi still believe Chris Brown was wrong for that…he could have asked or approached the situation in a better way…but other than that ? still got love for both my Guyanese Queen lol…and my American King lol…and another thing that ? feel is that people needs to leave other peoples personal lives alone…stop mixing the inside life with the perfesional life just to make your money off of gossiping…that’s just ruining peoples lives for no reason…:-/
Mele says
OMG who cares?? if i were a guy dating a girl with a weird voice i’d hit her too, just to make her shut up. women get beat everyday, but don’t say anything about it, why?? cuz they still “love” the guy who hit them, cuz they’re stupid, they found out that pic of rihanna’s eye was fake, so again…who cares?!?!
fatz says
He is a FAG
veronica says
damn all you bitches at the bottom of me needs to shut da fkc up bkuz most likely none of this shit is true unless it comes from there mouth
chris brown aint no fkcin women beater shit the bitch most likely needed the hit or watever she runs her mouth
CHRIS BROWN IS NOT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO WOMEN BEATER
becky says
OMG i dont think she has a weird vioce adn i used to relly like chris brown but now hes assualted rihanna i no longer will listen to his music! umm…. and i think he has made a hudge mistake in his life now and he is now a girl beater !
Sarah says
Well, I bet veronica feels like an idiot now that the pictures have been leaked. What’s that? No? How surprising.
Nicole says
LEARN THE FACTS BEFORE YOU ASSUME. THE ENTIRE STORY IS NOT OUT YET!
Mary says
Honestly, if it’s true, it’s disgusting. What kind of fucked up scum hits a woman, if anyone hit me I’d beat the shit out of them. Nobody deserves to be hit, there isn’t a ‘good reason’. What the fuck is wrong with you? Get some morals,get some therapy get some fucking sanity you dumb dicks who are trying to justify it.
Natalie says
first of all rihanna cannot sing lets just get that straight, cuz we all knoe it’s true.
secondly, i dont know if the herpe thing was true but i wouldn’t be surprised if it was. anyways if it is then i think rihanna got exactly what she desevred maybe not that bad cuz i saw her face and chris jacked her up!
he should be ashamed of himself you do not hit girls you just dont do it, and supposedly this isn’t the first time and if it isnt thats just sad on both their parts. rihanna’s stupid for getting back with him no matter how much u love someone cuz they obviously dont love you if their puttin hands on you thats just crazy. i dont knoe if chris brown’s mom taught him better than that but it obviously did not work.
Melanie says
we shoulnt beleive in this….Unles we hear it form their own mouths besides what has music gotta do with fighting and all……..
amanda says
how are you rihana and chirs brown love all chirs amanda
keekee says
omg i dont believe this unless they say it who would believe such thing i think only a bitch or a broad would write this about chris i love chris.xoxoxo chris’s biggest fan
NENE says
LISTEN up miZZ mARY i DONT know WhAT your PROMblem Is talKIN BOUt cris brown my husban my babay,yo dumb ass need sum dam therapy.and you get sum dam morals yo sTOOOOOOOOPID azz
Nene says
wel chris brown is not a woman beater mabe she deserved it but im am so tired of people clownin on him cause it not funny anymore they need to geta life, i mean whats the point leave it a lone already. chris brown thats my ababy mu hubby 4life no matter what he did or does cause he is soooooo sexy.