Chris Brown’s been keeping quiet lately. Some might say that’s because he feels bad about the whole Rihanna thing.
Us? We think that Chris Brown is worried that if he opens his mouth his massive uncontrollable teeth will go wayward and decapitate a child or cause structural damage to a bridge or something. But whatever – Chris Brown has just broken his silence by appearing in a video telling everyone that he “ain’t a monster”.
It’s true. Just because he allegedly beat Rihanna to a pulp, it doesn’t make Chris Brown a monster. Monsters can fly and breathe fire and crap.
Chris Brown is like buses, isn’t he? You spend months and months reading endless stories about him, and then three more come along at once. Also, buses will try to choke you unconscious if you ever throw their car keys out of a window, so they’ve got that in common too.
But what are these three new Chris Brown stories? Let’s tackle them in order, shall we?
1 – CHRIS BROWN SAYS ALL BLOGS ARE LIARS
No, really, he did. Chris Brown has said that all blogs are liars in a new self-recorded video – the first thing that Chris Brown has said in public since he was recorded going “Wheeee!” on a jetski about four seconds after he allegedly beat Rihanna’s face inside out. Look, here’s the video…
Are all blogs liars? It’s hard to say. The evidence seems to be that we are, so long as your definition of ‘evidence’ is ‘the sight of Chris Brown’s comical-looking hype man saying the word “liars” three times in a row and then shout “YEAH!” right after Chris Brown has finished talking’. Which it should be, in fairness.
We’d argue that we’re not liars, in so much that we reported that Chris Brown publicly apologised for beating Rihanna up and then later denied beating Rihanna up under oath in court, and both of those things happened. Then again, we did once say that Britney Spears was sexy, and that’s plainly bullshit.
2 – CHRIS BROWN SAYS HE’S NOT A MONSTER
Again, there’s a video for this as well. Admittedly it’s a video that mostly wants to promote Chris Brown’s forthcoming album to his remaining fan – an illiterate 17-year-old girl who doesn’t even like Chris Brown that much any more but got a tattoo of him the day before he allegedly beat Rihanna up and can’t afford to get it lasered off – but that hardly matters. Look, more video…
So is Chris Brown a monster? We’re going to believe that he’s not, mainly because the same hype man as before pops up at the end and shouts “Beleey Dat!” like it’s his bloody catchphrase or something. Ultimately, though, it doesn’t matter, because ‘being a monster’ wasn’t one of Chris Brown’s charges. No, his charges were assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats, two things which he markedly didn’t deny on the video. For some reason.
3 – CHRIS BROWN GETS SUED FOR BATTERY
No video for this one, sadly, but according to People:
Chris Brown is facing more legal trouble ? this time from a man who claims he was beaten up by the singer’s bodyguard. Robert Rosen is suing Brown, 20, for personal injury, alleging he was roughed up… Rosen adds he was “severely injured and disabled, both internally and externally,” claims he was falsely imprisoned, and is seeking damages covering his medical bills and emotional distress.
If any of this actually happened, then let’s save the Chris Brown fans the trouble of responding in the comment section, shall we? If history is any indication you’re all going to write that it was Robert Rosen’s fault that he got beat up because he’s a skank and his voice sounds funny and he probably gave Chris Brown’s bodyguard an STD. Only, you know, with much worse spelling.
Now, no more Chris Brown news for a while please. We’ve got a headache.
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Nash says
Don’t even have to be a Chris Brown Fan to agree with him that blogs are liars… yours in particular.
1. Chris Brown apologized for “what transpired”. No where did he indicate that he “beat Rihanna up” as you stated above, in that apology.
2. Chris Brown plead “not guilty” to FELONY charges brought against him. Since I’m not a crazy Chris Brown fan, and you’re the one REPORTING on your blog, YOU should probably be the one to take the time to read the specifics of those FELONY charges against him and note that he most likely did not PLEAD GUILTY to those charges because they were not the extent of the crime he allegedly committed. He has yet to “deny beating up Rihanna”, as you so falsely stated. School yourself on legal proceedings before passing judgement on that by which you haven’t a clue.
3. Until Rihanna comes out and says Chris Brown “beat her to a pulp” that is a lie as well. She has yet to say any of that, unless you include a false, UNSIGNED, non-legally binding affidavit of a police officer’s assessment that was illegally leaked to media outlets and blogs as “proof.”
4. The photog suing Chris Brown had this to say right after the assualt incident: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfxiNIdjj48
After tackling the issues in your article “in order”… I’d have to say I’m going with that “MONSTER” Chris Brown on this one:)
Tom J says
I always love the Chris Brown / Rihanna stories, pretty much exclusively for the rabid nutjobs who insist on posting comments. But what do we have here? Why, it’s a nutjob in disguise! How very droll! This one doesn’t even like Chris Brown, but nonetheless they’ve prepared us a concise, 4 point rebuttal of your article. A 4 point rebuttal no less! I bet you never expected that from a Chris Brown fan, or even their ability to spell simple words. Sure, they may get crazier, but you’ve got to admire how they get more resourceful too. It’s almost like they’re fully-functional human beings!
Julian Mentat says
No sane person gets up in the morning and says “I am a monster. I’ll make some toast now. But it’ll be toast with baby eyeballs on, because I am a monster.”
Horrible things are done by people who think of themselves as normal and butter their toast.
Sarah says
I would have to agree with you, since you used caps-lock to highlight most of your important points.
Sarah says
You think they would have found a more intelligent way to use a camera. Like lifting it up a few feet so they wouldn’t have to bend down to be seen? Surely he owns a taller stool.
dinker poopply pop says
This is so funny!
lol! loves it!
The commentary… ?
Shooty* says
I’m surprised you can spell and, apparently, punctuate as you’re clearly some kind of sub-normal muppet.
Could Mr Brown not have angled the webcam up a bit? Would save him having to bend over all the time. Unless he’s gettig ready for prison.
Julian Mentat says
In the 2nd clip, Chris Brown says “You nome sane”.
Can any one tell me the meaning of “You nome sane”?
Because I just don’t know what he’s saying.
Shooty* says
Heh. You da man, Menster. Beleey dat.
Dr. sasha rojas says
U know…. i sit and i read these things on the internet about what people have to say about abuse…. this case in particular has been a blessing and a curse… because it has ultimately ruined peoples lives and careers… but it also has brought a light to domestic abuse… i have been a domestic abuse counselor for 7 years now… and in my time of doing so… domestic abuse has never been brought to the limelight like this…. but the comment that i have to make is not a prejudice comment made from a fan… what im about to say is true fact… the 7 years i have worked as a counselor there has been many instances where a man is abused for a very long time be it… mentally… verbally…. or physically…. and they become fed up…. there is a double standard in domestic abuse… where a man is supposed to take it…. and he is looked at as less of a man for coming forth about domestic abuse…. but when a women is hit even in self defense…. the man is crucified…. i mean people should not prejudge…. because who knows the truth behind it all…. remember theres always 3 sides to a story… his side… her side…. and the truth….
Dr. sasha rojas says
and what does this young mans teeth have to do with this story… i cant rationalize why people kick others when there down… be it ms. fenty or mr. brown…. not just speaking as a counselor… but as a bi-racial women… ( hispanic & african american ) i dont undestand how we have come from loving our selves to making domestic violence a joke… do people understand that millions of men and women die every year from domestic violence…. and you want to sit and make jokes about peoples voices and teeth… not dropping the soup and how low a camera was…. may peace be with you on judgement day…
Thena says
If you wrote an article about life we’d all reach enlighnteemnt.