Relax everyone, the panic’s over – apparently Chris Brown didn’t bludgeon Rihanna with his fists like everyone thought.
He didn’t. And we’ve got this from an entirely reliable source, too – Chris Brown. And if Chris Brown pleaded not guilty in court – which he did yesterday – then he’s not guilty. We weren’t there that night – so the only people who know if Chris Brown attacked Rihanna are Chris Brown and Rihanna.
And since Rihanna was too busy panicking about all the blood sloshing around in her mouth or being unconscious or whatever, we only have Chris Brown’s word to go on.
Chris Brown’s life is filled with a variety of regrets – regrets that he accidentally ticked ‘pop star’ box on his career’s day application form instead of ‘beaver’ which he’d obviously have a greater natural aptitude for, regrets that he practises dancing by stumbling around barefoot on discarded Lego bricks much to the obvious dismay of his chiropractor, regrets that he possibly once slept with a woman old enough to be his distant ancestor – but getting arrested for attacking Rihanna in February isn’t one of them.
And that’s because Chris Brown definitely didn’t attack Rihanna. He didn’t. That’s why we’ve seen him gleefully lark around on jetskis, it’s why the female basketball team he was photographed with last week weren’t all screaming for help and it’s why yesterday in court Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to the charges of felony assault and criminal threats that could land him a five-year jail sentence. The LA Times reports:
Nearly two months after police found his girlfriend, the pop star Rihanna, bloodied and bruised on a Hancock Park street, Brown appeared in Los County Superior Court and pleaded not guilty to charges of felony assault and criminal threats. The 19-year-old spoke in a voice so low that many of the three dozen journalists who had waited an hour for the hearing to begin were unsure if he had even answered Judge Patricia Schnegg’s inquiry.
So that’s that. Chris Brown definitely didn’t hit Rihanna or choke her unconscious or threaten to kill her or any of that. Unless, you know, this not guilty plea was a stalling tactic so that Chris Brown’s lawyers can continue thrashing out a plea deal with prosecutors that’ll see him get a reduced sentence in return for a guilty plea for a lesser charge. Which is almost definitely what’s happening.
But if it’s not, then Chris Brown will go to trial, and Rihanna is expected to testify against him. This is a worst-case scenario, obviously – for a pop star on the outs like Chris Brown the legal fees alone in a trial of this size might be enough to finish him off for good.
And that’s why we have a proposition for Chris Brown – dump your lawyers. As we’ve seen in the comment section of hecklerspray, there are thousands of fans still waiting to come to your defence, and between them we’re sure they could come up with a watertight way to prove your innocence.
That’s unless ‘Rihanna is a skank bitch and she looks funny and she got a funny voice and she deserved it and she gave Chris Brown loads of STDs that’s why he hit her the skank’ doesn’t count as a reasoned legal defence. In which case, Chris Brown is effed.
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jayla says
OH MY GOSH I KNOW HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER MESSED WITH HER IN THE FRIST PLACE. SHE AINT NOTHING BUT A WHOLD BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. HE NEED A REAL WOMAN LIKE ME.
Michael Millhollin says
If Chris Brown really loved his girlfriend Rihanna, he would have pleaded guilty to the charges and accepted his punishment. But I guess he doesn’t. Instead he is going to subject Rihanna to reliving that night over and over again in upcoming court testimony. tsk, tsk…. :(
Shooty* says
Nope, that’s isn’t going to happen, Mike. What’s going to happen is this: their record companies are orchestrating how Chris pleads to ensure maximum publicity and, hence, record sales.
Just wait. Come the trial, Rhianna will either not testify, or will give evidence to the effect that nothing happened, it was all a misunderstanding, it was the man with one leg, etc, thereby further undermining the concept of justice, and showing their brain-donor fans that you don’t have to respect the law.
Shooty* says
Oh, and contrary to what most people believe, the “He can’t be guilty, he’s my husband/ brother/ cousin/ mate/ favourite pop star” defence doesn’t actually work, mainly due to the fact that just because you know someone doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.
I know! How strange is that?
Kristen says
Hilarious article. Well written, great commentary.
Julian Mentat says
Jayla, are you hot? If so, can I have your number? I mean, I may not be a singer or even good-looking, but if you ever have any doubts about our relationship, I am willing to punch them out of you.
Thought: perhaps the part of the brain that assigns guilt is right behind the nose. This explains all the “He hit me but he loves me” women.
Thought: Why are phone numbers called phone numbers? They’re NOT numbers. You can’t add them, multiply them or anything else that works on numbers. They just LOOK like numbers.
kate says
chris brown made 11 million dollars last yea,so money for legal fees. cant or wont be his problem. rihanna do not want the cas to go trail because alot will be exposed in their relationship in the past and her violence behaviour will be revealed. the media and you stuart is ignoring rihannas involvement, her pat abuse towards chris. her 2007 interview when she said she broke a bottle over her brothers head when they were arguing. she is possesive and controling. she started a fight she could not finish.even as foolish as you sound u should know that.
Michael Millhollin says
Kate, there is absolutely no excuse for a man to strike a woman. End of story!! :(
Sarah says
She totally just fell down the stairs.
Michelle says
How do we know that she didn’t provoke him? How do we know that she didn’t just go too far and he just pushed her off of him for self defense?