The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text – OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text.

But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of “That’s hot” could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker.

But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who’s – what’s the word? - old.

Slowly but surely – but mainly slowly – the pieces of this alleged fight between Rihanna and Chris Brown are coming together. Sure, we’ll hear all about of it in epic detail when the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet He Choked Me Unconscious (It Felt Like Spooning) is released, but until then we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got.

So far, as per a detective’s affidavit, we’ve been told that Rihanna and Chris Brown were driving around in a rented Lamborghini when Chris Brown got a text message apparently asking for sex from another woman. Rihanna reacted badly to this, leading to Chris Brown variously slamming her head against a car window, punching her in the head until her mouth filled with blood, biting her on her hand and ear, threatening to kill her and choking her to the point of unconsciousness.

But who sent Chris Brown the text message in the first place? A celebrity friend? No. An overzealous fan? No. A funny-looking woman twice Chris Brown’s age who takes a percentage of his earnings for a living and has previously had a sexual relationship with him? No. Wait. Yes. Wait. Possibly.

Reports are now claiming that Chris Brown’s 39-year-old manager Tina Davis was the culprit, a claim denied by Tina’s father on the basis that she’s a good girl and by the rest of the world on the basis that she’s old enough to be his poxy mother and the whole thing’s so wrong that it makes us want to go and soak our genitals in bleach for a year. The New York Daily News reports:

Davis, who turns 40 this month, sent Brown the notorious three-page text that “talked about hooking up later,” celebrity news site TMZ.com reported, citing unnamed sources. A police affidavit says only that the text came from “a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.” An industry source described the message as a “booty call.”

So maybe that’s why Chris Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna so violently. It wasn’t because he discovered the text, or because he was jealous of Rihanna’s success, or because he’s so insecure in his masculinity that he has to address differences with women by lashing out at them, or even – and this one’s for you, illiterate hecklerspray commenters – because Rihanna is a skanky-ass ho with hundreds of STDs and a funny voice.

No. Chris Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna because he knew that she’d look more like a very old lady if her face was covered in welts and bruises, and old ladies is what turns Chris Brown on the most.

Bingo. Case closed.

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