For an internet fad, Chris Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna is rubbish – like, where are all the video mashups?
We have two good reasons why not. Firstly, on the scale of hilarity, an alleged domestic assault – even between a couple of mildly annoying pop stars – isn’t exactly David After Dentist, is it? Secondly, it’s hard to be funny about something when there are absolutely no details about it whatsoever.
Until now. A source claims that Chris Brown and Rihanna started to fight when Chris got a texted booty call. Which is ridiculous – who’d want to have sex with Chris Brown?
Celebrities just don’t have the mystique that they used to, do they? Look at Chris Brown and Rihanna, for instance – as global pop stars they should be the glamorous targets of our aspirations and envy, but instead it seems like they’re auditioning for a Jeremy Kyle episode entitled My Man Gone And Done Knocked Me About.
What’s more – following Chris Brown’s arrest on suspicion of domestic violence and Rihanna’s cooperation with police – the story’s just getting harder and harder to believe with every fresh scrap of information. Like, would Chris Brown really be stupid enough to attack Rihanna, knowing full well that it’d probably wreck his career forever?
And that’s assuming that a wet-faced git like Chris Brown is capable of violence, anyway. From what we’ve seen, the poor sap looks like he needs a complex system of pulleys and automated chisels just to break off a piece of toilet paper when he goes to the toilet because he’d probably atrophy his entire body if he tried it himself. And Chris Brown and Rihanna started fighting in his rented Lamborghini? What sort of monumental bellend rents a Lamborghini, for crying out loud?
But now we’ve got some details about exactly why the fight between Chris Brown and Rihanna apparently began, and it’s just as impossible to believe as ever. Apparently – get this – a woman exists who doesn’t find the thought of Chris Brown’s weedy little naked body wriggling around on top of her impossibly repulsive. The New York Daily News reports:
The explosive fight that landed sultry singer Rihanna in the hospital ignited when singer Chris Brown got a text message from another young woman, a source said. “He got a booty call. He got a text. Rihanna saw it and she got upset. They started to argue. She got out of the car. He wanted her to get back in, so he grabbed her,” the industry source said. “She pulled away. That’s when she’s told people he hit her.”
Now it all makes sense. Well, apart from the bit about Chris Brown getting a booty call, obviously – if we had to compile a list of all the things in the world in order of their desirability, we’d put ‘lying underneath Chris Brown watching his horrible contorted sweaty face bob up and down a couple of inches away from ours’ about 300 places below ‘being punched in the face by Chris Brown until we needed to go to hospital’. But that’s just us.
You should all probably make yourselves comfortable, by the way. We get the feeling we’ll be hearing about this one for weeks.
Tom J says
I think you’ve entirely summed up the man with that picture. I can’t quite tell whether it’s Brown or a mentally ill lad exclaiming to the camera “this is ma cris bran face durrr!”. Either way you’re spot on.
Beth says
Aw, I actually like Rihanna. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s a robot. So is it even illegal for Chris Brown to hit her?
Julian Mentat says
Not sure. I checked out the Laws of Robotics but they were not very helpful:
1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. When it’s raining more than ever, a robot must permit a human to stand under its umbrella.
lay-lay says
HI CHRIS HOW R U???? I KNOW U DONT KNOW WHO I AM BUT I JUST WANTED U TO KNOW THAT IM STILL A FAN OF YOUR’S NOMATTER WHAT U DID….. YOUR MUSIC IS TO HOT TO LET GO JUST KEEP DOIN WHAT YOU DO BEST AND THAT’S SING… LAY-LAY
JASMINE says
MAN….. I DONT KNOW Y ALL Y’LL POEPLE IS MAD @ HIM 4??? SHE IS THE ONE WHO GAVE HIM SOMETHIN SO SHE GOT WHAT SHE GOT… I ANIT MAN @ HOM @ ALL…. HE GONNA KEEP IT PIMPIN AND DO WHAT HE DO SOooooooo… ya’ll need to leave him alone!!!! on the real, no game’s or bulls!ht…. yo gurl lay-lay a.k.a jasmine
Julian Mentat says
Jasmine, Lay-lay; do you really exist?
Does the USA really contain so many people who are illiterate, have no sense of fairness, no concept of Law, and are destined to be the bruised, hospitalized half of an abusive relationship?
Because I don’t see how a country like that can exist without getting into, oh, some sort of financial trouble.
Joke Police says
Is is bad that when I saw “JASMINE on Chris Brown & Rihanna: The Text-Centric Details”, I knew there was going to be some top-flight ALL CAPS hilarity?
I do admire the clever way she skirted internet libel laws with the majestically vague “SHE IS THE ONE WHO GAVE HIM SOMETHIN SO SHE GOT WHAT SHE GOT”. All these people making lots of assumptions could learn a lot from this approach to internet mudslinging.
Sarah says
Yes, Julian. And that’s not even half of it. I will say one thing about Lay-lay and her cousins; they’re the only ones dumb enough to still be spending money right now. The malls here in the US are still filled with people, except none of them are white.
KJ says
Whoa, whoa, whoa… why do you assume they’re from the U.S.? Don’t try to pawn them off on us. Pawn them off on someone else. Preferably France.
Julian Mentat says
>> “why do you assume they
Joke Police says
What happened here? We went from laughing at idiots to heavy-handed discussions about race issues and political diplomacy..?
Oh well – I ANIT MAD @ ALL Y’ALL, carry on…
megan says
I spit out my tea when I saw that you referenced David After Dentist, in italics, as if it was an epic classic film.
Canuck says
I think LAY LAY might have been the booty call.
Canuck says
KJ, if they were French, they’d be saying things like “nique ta mere”. Sadly they are most likely from the US, and you can’t even pawn them off on Canada, because neither of them finished their sentences off with “eh” and there was no mention of a brewsky anywhere.
Nik says
Nobody really knows what happened but the people that was involved and right now we’re only getting one side to the story so everyone needs to stop jumping to conclusions and stop commenting on stuff they don’t know about this is their personal life everybody should mind their own business and the truth will come out eventually
Canuck says
Well, let’s see… someone in the neighborhood called 911 because they heard a woman screaming, and apparently it’s perfectly audible on the tape of the call. Said woman had “horrific” injuries, documented by photos taken by the police. Said woman had to cancel what must be one of the year’s coveted spots performing at the Grammy’s. Said woman also has had to postpone a sold out concert in Malaysia. The DA is building a case in order to press charges against the only other person in the car. Yes, by all means, let’s all just stop jumping to conclusions, shall we? She probably beat the crap out of herself, right?
Andie says
I think Mr. Heritage is a racist. Specifically when he wrote,”My Man Gone And Done Knocked Me About.” Does the author of this article talk like this? Or is he inferring that black women who meet misfortune via the hands of a man (allegedly in this case)talk like this? Hey, I’m all for free speech, but some of YOU PEOPLE are really rude and racist. Make no mistake about it, we have a black president so like it or lump it.
melanie says
So what is that supposed to mean…I guess Sarah has been designated as the official Mall Manager of all US malls…your inference that only dumb people are spending money, and none of them are white, is even more stupid than the general stereotypes that blatant racists buy into. So, who are you to call someone dumb? The fact of the matter is this: some people idolize these entertainers, and some people look at them as just entertainers. As for myself, I don’t idolize Chris Brown, however, his personal life and his music are two separate entities. If he makes an album I like, I’ll buy it. He’s not beating me! However, those closest to him, family, friends, and other peers, they need to let him know that what he did is NOT acceptable, and he needs to get help. Has anyone considered that this young cat just needs some help, like so many other young people who think they are in love, but have no idea about relationships. They are young and dumb.
Joke Police says
As for myself, I don
Jabera says
m@n d!& !& @ 6uNcH oF Bull&h!t
Cindy M says
You know what’s really trivial to me is that all of you are wasting your time bickering back and forth about stuff that has nothing to do with this current article. Just to acknowledge some of these ignorant conversations:
1. Julian – We (as in Americans) do not all hate France, get that straight! I, as an American, can hardly tell you why some of us dislike France. I can’t stand that a lot of you around the world dislike how we “Americans” believe all stereotypes but you prove that we have something in common…Ignorance! We’re not the only ones!
2. Canuck – Now answer me this, why is it that all of Rhianna’s losses are taken into consideration here, but you totally fail to acknowledge all of Chris Brown’s losses. Here’s a what if for you…What if Rhianna was being totally psycho while Chris was driving? Why is it permissable for a female to go wild with no repercussions? I’m a female, I’m totally against domestic violence, but if she was attacking him first he has rights to self defense. Now I’m not saying that this is what actually happened, but because we don’t know what exactly happened we need to either play devil’s advocate or just butt out because it’s none of our business. There’s two sides to every story!
Now for the current article, this is a sad situation. I don’t really care for either of the two, but both of them are too young to be having issues like this. They’re too young to be in a serious relationship. It’s sad that America allows these kids to have their business all over the place and it’s sad that people all over the world is treating this like it’s entertainment. They’re still kids for God’s sake!
Canuck says
And what exactly would you consider the losses of Chris Brown to be? The poor man, he had to miss the Grammy’s because the police were looking for him after he beat the crap out of his girlfriend who got pissed off because he received a booty text from some other woman. Yeah, poor little diddy-widdy, should we feel sorry for him now? Tell me, did he end up in the hospital? Don’t think so… and self defense probably doesn’t cover beating someone’s face to a pulp and choking them unconscious. No one denies anyone the right to defend themselves. However, if Mr. Brown was “defending” himself, how come he doesn’t seem to have any injuries?
TMZ has the story “according to the police report”. Apparently, Rihanna stated to the police that this isn’t the first time he’s hit her, and referred to it as ongoing and escalating. Go over and read what started the fight, and what made it escalate, and them come back and tell us we should take into account all that poor Mr. Brown has lost.
Julian Mentat says
>> “why is it that all of Rhianna
Gigglypoo says
WOW I’m so sick of hearing about Chris and Rihanna! Who really cares? Get Rihanna a tissue and get Chris some help. He was wrong for hitting her, but I for one am just sick of hearing about them two. People please get a life! Their Personal biz is not why I like them both, it’s all about the music for me. For all of you who are like OH HELP Rihanna, please remember if hit hit someone you just might get HIT BACK!
Lynne says
Oh this is truly sad. Anyone who thinks such a serious issue is a joke deserves to be beat down in the same way Rihanna was. I hate to say that, but that’s how I feel after reading half of these comments. It’s truly mindblowing to see how many ignorant, illiterate, and unimaginative people we live amongst.
blue says
If someone hits you and u feel the need to hit them back what makes everyone think that it’s okay for a man to triple a woman’s strength and hit her so many times that she is almost unrecognizable. I didn’t believe that Chris Brown could hit Rihanna because I saw how they were in the the photo’s and in television and thought that they had a good relationship. But that’s all that it is, photo’s and tv. We see what we are allowed to see and that’s all. I don’t care for anyone that would beat on someone that cannot defend theirselves against. Chris Brown beat on Rihanna as if he were protecting himself from some kind of personal harm. She is a woman and if you say you love someone one you do all you can to prevent that person from feeling pain no matter what the situation. When I saw Rihanna’s picture it remindec me of my sister’s mortuary picture. He should spend some time in prison to reflect on his actions. I hope that he gets help for his anger issues. I wish them the best of luck but I don’t think I’ll be a Chris Brown fan for a little while.
anonymous says
It doesn’t matter so much who started the fight it how it end. Come on chris could have walked away from this girl or something “just like he felt it was over he was tried of her “okay it is time the move on walk away from her. Don’t beat the mess out of her and the worse part leave her passed out. I like chris his music is good but this boy need help.
unknown says
man…i think Chris is stupid, well i think any man that raise they hands on a female is stupid…..now wat chris?? u think u big cuz u beat her the way u did?? up till the point she was hospitalized…think again…them other boys who are just like u might think u cool, but a real man wouldnt… i mean i aint gunna lie i love ur music and i think u sexy as hell, but wat u did was NOT cute, especially not wen u disrespect Rhianna like dat…i love her! before u did that u should of thought about alot of things…. now if she dont take u back i feel her 100% (sorry chris, juss keepin it real). u cute and ur music is crazy gud.. but damm, u need some help!
shayzze says
i dont care if chris brown fucked up rihanna face she shouldnt be all up in his phone and yes i would have sex with chris brown because i am dat booty call girl who sent the text message and he just using her for fame because that why he dont claim her
big men says
all iam going to say is rihanna got woop her face fucked up tmz.com/rihanna and chris brown
Killah29 says
very racist dumb bitch.if i could c u i’d beat the shit out of u