Charlotte Church, the nation's favourite tiresomely opinionated young opera star, has given birth to a baby girl fathered by her painfully narcissistic bright orange rugby player boyfriend Gavin Henson.
Born on Thursday night, the name of Charlotte Church's new baby daughter has yet to be revealed. But that's not important yet – what's important is the myriad violent changes that will be occurring within the Church household now there's been a new arrival. For instance, it's bound to be a shock to be confronted by a constantly wailing, funny-coloured, attention-seeking creature with little or no bowel control and a voice specifically designed to instantly set everyone around it on edge – but, hey, the baby's just going to have to get used to having Charlotte Church for a mother, isn't she?
The birth of Charlotte Church's new baby girl is both a happy and sad event. Although the creation of a brand-new human life is a magical, almost miraculous affair, it also means that we're going to have to wave goodbye to the old Charlotte Church that we knew and loved liked tolerated laughed at occasionally.
You know the Charlotte Church we're talking about – the Charlotte Church who could hardly go a day without being photographed puking semi-digested kebab into a policeman's helmet at 4am outside some grotty Cardiff nightclub. The Charlotte Church who'd ejaculate her unfavourable opinion about people like Pavarotti to Scooch to everyone else into your face whether you invited her to or not. The Charlotte Church who smoked so much that it didn't leave her enough time to make her Friday night TV show into anything but an embarrassing mess.
That's the Charlotte Church we won't be seeing any more, because she's had a baby and even hinting at any of that old behaviour will instantly turn her into Kerry Katona – something that nobody wants to happen to them. BBC News reports on the new Charlotte Church baby:
Singer and TV presenter Charlotte Church has given birth to a girl at her home in south Wales. It is believed the baby weighed just over 6lb and Church's rugby player boyfriend Gavin Henson was at her side for the birth. The little girl arrived on Thursday evening at the couple's farmhouse home in St Brides Major, the Vale of Glamorgan. Church, 21, and Henson, 25, are said to be delighted at their new arrival. The singer's website confirmed Henson had said that Church "gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at home on Thursday night".
Obviously it's no surprise that Charlotte Church has had a baby, since the news comes around nine months after Charlotte Church got pregnant. As we've said, Charlotte and Gavin haven't announced the name of their baby girl yet, but we're going to be furiously disappointed if it doesn't turn out to be either Jordan or Cardiff. But anyway, we're sure that between them Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson have a rock solid support system together to make raising the baby as pain-free as possible. Sure, there's bound to be tough times ahead, but it'll all be worth all the sleepless nights when Charlotte's daughter says her first word or takes her first step or drunkenly pukes a gallon of pink vomit up the window of Clinton Cards on the way home from Club Evolution in the early hours of the morning for the first time.
No, actually that's a terrible thing to say. We're sure, in fact, that Charlotte Church's baby girl won't inherit her mother's remarkable propensity for excessive binge drinking – but then that's usually the case when your mother's breast milk is 98% pure Cheeky Vimto.
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