OK, there's no easy way of telling you this – we have some good news and some bad news. First the good news; pint-sized, pissed-up, voice of an angel turned failed popstar Charlotte Church has announced that she's quitting music.
And now for the bad news. Instead of spending all her new free doing something useful, like arm-wrestling bears for control of the woods or burning all of her weirdly tidy boyfriend's hairbands, Charlotte Church is doing the one thing we didn't want her to do. That's right – Charlotte Church has quit music to pursue her dreadful television presenting career. But the bad news isn't as bad as you think, because if Charlotte Church really has quit music then hopefully she won't be doing those scalp-tearingly harrowing opera duets with Nelly Furtado at the end of her show any more.
It's thought that approximately zero people around the world were happy last year when Charlotte Church announced that she was to go pop – apart from the handful of dimwits who actually thought that it meant that Charlotte Church was going to be inflated until she exploded, of course. People knew where they stood with Charlotte Church, you see – she was the innocent little jug-eared girl who'd croon Ave Maria and then coin it in by selling it to every boring person you've ever met – but Charlotte Church making pop music? Surely that would be rubbish, right?
Right. Charlotte Church's pop career wasn't exactly the sensation that she hoped it'd be. Arriving in a ferocious blaze of publicity, Charlotte's first single Crazy Chick was beaten to number one by a dead bloke talking over an old Elton John record, and was quickly followed by three more singles – Look At Charlotte's Boobs Jiggle Around, Another One Nobody Can Remember and Another One Apparently – which got to numbers 10, 17 and 14 respectively. And not even Charlotte Church's attempts to drum up publicity for her pop career by repeatedly failing to quit smoking and slagging off everyone she could think of all the time could help her.
And now it looks like time has run out for Charlotte Church – reports are suggesting that she's been dropped by her record label. This Is London reports:
Charlotte Church is parting company with the record label that launched her career in the face of flagging sales, it emerged… Although her publicist has denied she has been dumped by the company, there is speculation that poorer-than-expected performance may have contributed to the split. Her spokeswoman said: "The five album deal came to an end and both Sony BMG and Charlotte decided not to renew it. It was a mutual decision."
But every silver lining has a dirty great cloud in the middle of it, and so although Charlotte Church has quit music, she's going to spending her time concentrating on her TV presenting career – namely the Charlotte Church chat show – instead. Which would be good if it weren't for the fact that The Charlotte Church Show was hands down the worst TV show of the year; the only TV programme so dreadful that it actually made viewers nostalgic for The Friday Night Project in the moments where they weren't suffering from debilitating brain cramps.
But even though everything about The Charlotte Church Show was clearly hopeless – the awful opening topical song, the sub-Norton sketches, Charlotte Church's interviewing style (asking a question, ignoring the answer and talking only about herself), the weird 'Charlotte Church sings with The Feeling' ending – Channel Four has ordered another series of it.
But maybe we're being too hard on Charlotte Church. After all, at least when she's presenting a TV show we can see it coming in the schedules and avoid it on purpose. And now that she's not making music any more, we'll spend a lot less money on our favourite hobby – deliberately crashing our car into a tree every time the radio plays a Charlotte Church song just to make it stop.
Read more:
Charlotte Church 'Dropped' By Record Company – This Is London
Gilbert Wham says
The Charlotte Church Chat Show? Chat show? We want the ‘Charlotte Church tit-fucks Ron ‘hedgehog’ Jeremy’ is what we want. Don’t deny it.
NOFAN says
Stuart Heritage
First of all, Charlotte is the first celebrity who doesn’t give a flying who ha, what people such as yourself ‘think about her’ because she is so successful she can do pretty much anything!! She is beautiful looking, sings like a soul star and can attract more viewers than ‘all your built up jealous blogg rages’ in a lifetime!! Why don’t ‘you’, do something ‘useful’ and stop bloody bringing people who’ve done well. down. You have spent many hours I am sure writing about Charlotte and if I was Charlotte I would take it as a compliment, there are envious hypocrites out there and successful ones and I know which one Charlotte is!! Charlotte is real, she doesn’t go around trying to pull the most tedious footballers (although she could), and she’s passionate about her culture and makes her own money. So get SODDED you weirdo!!
Schmoo says
Not the most appropriate username in the history of the interweb, Nofan…
SAM says
Charlotte has made a good choice to take a break from her music carrea and her TV Show is GREAT!!!!!!! as far as the failing sales go thats shite!!! Tisues And Isues sold over 236000 copies!!!!!! and she had 4 singles that all entered the top 20 with 2 of them entering top 10!! Get ya facts b4 u start bull shitting
Tamarind777 says
This what happens to you when you sell your soul to the devil and give your life to pleasure. She started out singing Christian and classical music and was very popular, but she wanted to taste the Devil’s side and become pleasure-loving like the rest of them. Charlotte, learn from your mistake, repent and ask the Lord to pick up up and carry on doing His work instead of the Devil’s foolishness!