The custody fight between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is doing its damnedest to make sure that nothing will surprise us ever again, which is why Kevin Federline has served a girl who Britney Spears had a lesbian romp with.
The latest victim of Kevin Federline's scattershot subpoena-serving tactic is Shannon Funk, who was recently fired as Britney Spears's assistant. And by 'assistant' we mean 'apparent licky lesbian sex buddy' since that's what all the never-wrong celebrity magazines are saying she is at the moment. Kevin Federline has served Shannon Funk to help build a case proving that Britney Spears is an unfit mother and that he should be in charge of their two children full-time. And Shannon Funk's testimony will be vitally important to the case against Britney Spears, because we all know that it's hard to keep an eye on your children if your head is always buried up a girl's chuff.
You there! Sad that Angelina Jolie has stopped being a lesbian? Never mind – Mother Nature has ensured that there'll always be a constant number of celebrity lesbians in the world so, as Angelina Jolie goes full-time hetero, Britney Spears is inducted into the world of being a gigantic lesbian. Apparently. This isn't the first time that Britney Spears has been hit with lesbian rumours, but it is the first time that Kevin Federline has brought the matter up in legal proceedings surrounding the well-being of his children as opposed to just standing around in his underwear all like "Oh hell yeah! Kiss her! Kiss her! Now cup 'em!" like an excited kid at Christmas.
So far the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody battle has seen Britney and Kevin's uneasy truce exploded by scenes of Britney Spears going bald and calling herself the antichrist and shooting columns of oddly-coloured vomit into the sky on regular occasions. These have been enough to convince Kevin Federline that he, with nothing more than the royalties from the three albums he sold and the fee from that rubbishy insurance advert, is better placed to look after his children than Britney Spears.
So far, although the legal filings are still secret, we know that Kevin Federline has served Britney's former assistant Alli Sims to reveal details of what a terrible mother he says Britney Spears is, but now he's gone one step further and has served Shannon Funk – a woman who was not only Britney Spears's assistant once but is also a girl who Britney has had lesbian sex with a bunch of times. The New York Daily News reports:
Poor Britney is really in a funk now. The former assistant with whom the singer is said to have had a Sapphic fling has been subpoenaed to testify about the erratic pop star's mothering skills. Shannon Funk, 21, is the latest member of Britney Spears' inner circle to be slapped with legal papers by ex-hubby Kevin Federline's legal team… She was returning from New York, where she dished dirt about her former boss to OK! magazine. OK! revealed intimate details of Funk's girl-on-girl play with Spears.
If you think you know the name Shannon Funk already, it's either because a) you remember that she was Britney Spears's assistant during the infamous 'grease and dogshit' OK! photo shoot who Britney subsequently fired when she realised that it was easier to blame someone else for what a dreadful mess she was in, or b) you overheard heard Britney Spears screaming it in a fit of lesbian passion last time you were passing her house.
Either way, it's good to see that the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody battle has got so nasty so quickly. It'll be interesting to see how Kevin Federline tops this, though, or how Britney Spears responds. Chances are by September we'll have discovered that Kevin Federline invented bird flu and Britney Spears does it with monkeys. Female monkeys, though – Britney's got her reputation to protect.
Read more:
Britney's Gal Pal Served In California – New York Daily News
richard a says
Lol Stuart! your nothing short of amazing with your biting sarcasm!!
I would F**king love to see you write a book on satire in the celebrity culture!
I think you’d give Brett Easton Ellis’s “Glamorama” and Jay Mcinerny’s “Model Behaviour” a run for their money!
seriously, if you did it I’d be the first to buy it!
Omega Wolf 747 says
I think they’re both unfit parents and should be sterilized! I feel sorry for those two little boys and no mistake!
Gilbert Wham says
“it’s hard to keep an eye on your children if your head is always buried up a girl’s chuff.”
Assuming, of course, that they’ve already been born. Otherwise, it could be seen as eminently practical.
Lilbush says
Lesbian means woman-loving-woman. Britney, obviously swings both ways, so she’s bi.
Why is it tabloid reporters call men who dally on both sides of the fence, “bi”, but call women who do it, “lesbian”? Seems sexist standard to me…
Either way, Britney’s choice of sex for sex-partner de jour, is hardly something to prove custody responsibility.
Tell me how many 20 year olds (or younger) are fit for motherhood? Yet many do it — and have done so since recorded history. “Teens” were considered “mature” enough to be parents…perhaps we like to believe that no one raised by someone