All this week we've been looking forward to just one thing – seeing pictures of Britney Spears absent-mindedly pawing at her genitals with her eyes rolled into the back of her head while wearing a dress covered in grease and dogshit.
And ever since OK! magazine announced that it was to run a warts-and-all account of Britney Spears' photo shoot meltdown, the world has been on the edge of its seat in anticipation of today's OK! magazine, because it had to – it just had to – have a picture of Britney Spears stumbling around out of her mind like some kind of tatty old shit-and-grease-covered redneck zombie. Right? Sadly not – instead, the cover of today's OK! magazine shrieks the words "Britney's Meltdown!" but features a large photo of, get this, Britney Spears looking happy and normal. Britney Spears looking happy and normal? You bastards, OK!
It's been a good week for celebrity meltdowns, by and large. We've had post-rehab Lindsay Lohan getting arrested with cocaine in her pockets, Beyonce falling down the stairs onto her face in front of thousands of people and Coldplay going Hispanic – a tragic sign of mental illness if ever there was one. But the cherry on the cake was the news of Britney Spears having a shit-covered photo shoot with OK! magazine that was supposedly going to end her career.
Rumours about this disastrous Britney Spears OK! photo shoot came thick and fast – apparently Britney Spears got her friends to do her make-up, wiped chicken grease all over a dress, let her dog shit on another, was afraid that the ceiling would fall on her, kept rolling her eyes into the back of her head, pissed in full view of everyone and then legged it with thousands of dollars worth of clothes and accessories – so we were somewhat surprised when OK! magazine decided to effectively sever its ties with the star by running a full account of the Britney Spears photo shoot.
And it had to be bad to be career-killing, considering that Britney's career has survived her being called the worst-dressed person in the world, photos of her barfing on a boy, photos of her shaving her hair off, photos of her attacking a car with an umbrella, reports that she attempted suicide because she was the devil in rehab and – worst of all – pictures of her nude tumpsy. If Britney Spears could go through all that and come out relatively unscathed – and the Britney Spears OK! photo shoot was going to finish her off for good – then just imagine how terrible those photos were going to be.
Only, in today's edition of OK! magazine there aren't any of the photo shoot pictures. And the feature is made up of stuff we already knew. But mainly there were no photo shoot pictures. Within the article, amidst claims that Britney Spears wanted her bodyguard-cum-assistant Shannon Funk to be her stylist, that she went to the toilet for a long time and came back disorientated and that she either damaged or stole $22,267 worth of items from the photo shoot, OK! gave a possible reason why it was reduced to using photos of Britney Spears looking – bleurgh – happy and normal:
Though the crew agreed that Britney looked amazing, she looked uncomfortable as she boogied and sang along to Janet Jackson's Alright while the photographer took four test snapshots. But then, completely out of the blue, Britney walked over to the stereo, removed her CD and stormed out with her puzzled bodyguard and gaggle of girls in tow. She climbed into her Benz… abandoning the shoot and the interview.
But despite the OK! feature on Britney's meltdown being not nearly as bad as it would have been if the photographer had taken more than four pictures of Britney Spears melting down, it seems to have had some effect on Britney – just like she fired her manager and slapped her Mum, Britney Spears has fired Shannon Funk. Post Chronicle reports:
Spears is allegedly blaming her recent negative publicity on her personal assistant Shannon Funk, who was hired earlier this month. A source tells U.S. magazine Life & Style, "Britney felt a lot of her recent troubles started and stopped with Shannon. Britney thought she was talking badly about her. She was very rude and Britney felt she was letting business emails fall by the wayside."
Which is all well and good, but we were really looking forward to seeing pictures of Britney Spears looking all zombified in a dress covered in bits of chicken and dogshit. So if any of you want to cheer us up, take a photo of yourself smeared with bits of turd and KFC leftovers and email it to us. No prizes.
Read more:
Britney Spears Meltdown Continues: Fires New Asst. After OK! Debacle – Post Chronicle
Michaela Easter says
CAN’T BELIEVE I BOUGHT A COPY OF THAT SIMPERING RAG. No pictures, except one of Britney showing her clean white underpants,
(She must have stolen them from the shoot-I don’t think she has anything but crusty thongs in her delicates drawer.) And all the info I had already reat right here
in Hecklerspray, only written well and funny. I want my money back, dammit.
Michaela Easter says
Of course I meant written well and funny in HECKLERSPRAY, not OK! of course. OK is an ass-kissing, celebrity sucking piece of toilet paper.
Shannon says
Sounds like they were trying to sell some magazines……..
britney spears12540 says
well have fun y`all.
but dont forget it do..
Дом 2 says
It’s refreshing to see a truly healthy Britney on the cover of any magazine. She looks amazing on the OK cover. She’s known to be quite the profectionist about her music and if she says that this album is her best work, I can’t wait to hear it. So glad she’s gotten the help she needed. It’s really paying off.
tii says
LOOOLOLOLOLOOL
to all the asshole who were waiting 4 the pics, take the longest finger on ur hand and shave it down ur assholes
LOLOLOLOOOOLOLLOOLOLOOL