You might think that Angelina Jolie can have it all – megastar boyfriend, billions of adopted children, a habit for making disappointing films – but she can't; because Angelina Jolie has given up having it off with girls.
Angelina Jolie is famously bisexual – and could once never been seen without bits of minge hair jammed between her teeth all the time – but that's all in the past, because Angelina Jolie has told a French magazine that since she met Brad Pitt she hasn't found the time to have any lesbian sex or S&M at all. However, Brad Pitt knew about Angelina Jolie's lesbian tendencies when he met her and it's thought that this awareness of Angelina's full-blooded sexuality is what keeps their relationship going no matter what is thrown at them. Well, that and the sausage-meat vagina that Brad sculpted and stores in the fridge for days when Angelina can't stop mewing like a randy cat, but that's a given.
Depending on who you ask, being romantically linked to Angelina Jolie is either the best thing on Earth or a bit like humping a sofa. But we're guessing that there are a few takers for the former option, not least Brad Pitt – who first left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie and then put up with her adopting every child on the planet where a lot of men would have taken the first taxi out of Beserkoville. And then there are all the ladies in Angelina Jolie's life.
That's because, even though it makes her seem even more scientifically designed exclusively to make teenage boys furiously masturbate, Angelina Jolie is bisexual. Properly bisexual too, because if Angelina Jolie was just a lipstick lesbian she wouldn't have picked such an ugly girlfriend a decade ago. But even though her lesbian impulses mean that she barely goes a day without whistling offensively at women and chasing them down the road holding a traffic cone to her crotch like a comedy penis, Angelina Jolie has curbed any Sapphic tendencies in the name of love. Plus she doesn't do any kinky shit either any more. The New York Post reports:
Angelina Jolie is so satisfied with Brad Pitt in the boudoir that she's leaving her kinky past behind… "I have never hidden my bisexuality," she told France's Public magazine. "But since I've been with Brad, I abandoned women. Now there is no room for that or S&M in my life."
Well that's a shock. We assumed that Angelina Jolie was only making that adaptation of Ayn Rand's 1,100-page objectivist manifesto containing one 60-page speech out of some weird sadomasochistic urge, because we're effed if anyone is actually going to go and see it. And she's giving up just as Maddox's school is planning to start a series of PTA pan-sexual blindfolded hypoxyphilia and biscuits evenings, too, which really is rotten luck.
But still, who are we to judge Angelina Jolie for her lifestyle choices? If she wants to explore her bisexuality in greater detail then that's just fine with us, and it's equally fine if she chooses to suppress it for the love of Brad Pitt. However, the news that Angelina Jolie is giving up her lesbian ways will come as a shock to the small percentage of people that have potent sexual fantasies about serial-adopting lesbians, because it's one thing to imagine Angelina Jolie doing it, but the second choice lesbian adopter is enough to put anyone off that fetish forever.
Read more:
Joe Reilly says
Why is anyone surprised that bisexuality and monogamy can coexist?
JoelB says
Well, I’m very surprised, perhaps even shocked that they can coexist!
You see, its all to do with what those words, bisexuality and monogamy mean.
Monogamy means having sex with only one person.
Bisexuality means having sex with both males and females and that means having sex with two people at least.
So it’s not possible to both monogamous and bisexual at the same time. Although I’m having fun imagining how.