Batman 3: The Riddler Is… Wait, Eddie Murphy? Really?
First the good news: it seems likely that the Batman 3 casting rumours can end now. Are you ready for the bad news?
The bad news is that Batman 3 director Christopher Nolan appears to have banged his head quite hard on a doorframe and is badly concussed. We’ve deduced this thanks to reports that Nolan has signed Eddie Murphy to play The Riddler in Batman 3. Eddie bloody Murphy.
But it’s not all bad, because it’s not as if he’s also signed Shia LaBeouf to play Robin in Batman 3 as well, is it? It is? Christopher Nolan, you great big sod, what have you done?
Casting Batman 3 was always going to pose a problem for Christopher Nolan. The Dark Knight was such a massive success that the logical thing to do would be to bring back the same villains for the sequel. The problem with that plan, though, is that one of the baddies died onscreen and the other one died in real life.
So all Christopher Nolan had to start Batman 3 with was Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and a man with a stupid voice being chased by some dogs like a great big morally-ambiguous sausage. And that’s how the great Batman 3 casting rumours started. Several names were all thrown into the pot, but none of them stuck. Here’s why:
Angelina Jolie as Catwoman – Would have contractually requested a sequence where Batman goes to Darfur and weeps for 30 minutes.
Johnny Depp as The Riddler – Will Batman 3 be a) directed by Tim Burton or b) an impenetrable kid’s film? No? Well there’s your answer.
Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin – Philip Seymour Hoffman in a popular film? Whatever next?
Cher as Catwoman – Not even Christopher Nolan wants audiences to leave the cinema covered in vomit and eye-blood because they’ve seen Cher’s latex-covered vulva in close-up on an Imax screen.
Actually, the real reason none of the above were cast for Batman 3 is simple – it’s because Christopher Nolan had a secret wishlist that was far, far shittier. How shit? Shia LaBeouf shit. Eddie Murphy shit. The Sun reports:
Funnyman Eddie Murphy will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal. The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director Christopher Nolan. Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, 22, to play Robin. Meanwhile, Brit Rachel Weisz is said to be up for the Catwoman role.
Now, OK, we can see Rachel Weisz as Catwoman in Batman 3, because she’s very clearly lovely. But didn’t Christian Bale say that he’d be ‘chaining himself up and refusing to work‘ if Robin appeared in the sequel to The Dark Knight? And Eddie Murphy? Eddie Murphy? Eddie titting Murphy?
Obviously The Sun’s report should be taken with a pinch of salt at the moment, partly because nothing has been officially confirmed and partly because Eddie Murphy was referred to with the prefix ‘funnyman’ as opposed to the technically more accurate ‘woefully unfunny dickmunch’. But still, what if the rumours are true?
If Eddie Murphy really is going to be The Riddler in Batman 3, then we’ve whittled down the movie’s storyline to three possible options:
1 – Batman 3 won’t just feature The Riddler played by Eddie Murphy, but also The Riddler’s mother, father, obese girlfriend and racist stereotypical Chinaman neighbour, all also played by Eddie Murphy.
2 - Batman 3 will be about Batman chasing The Riddler to take a DNA test because he knocked up a Spice Girl and denied the baby was his. The movie ends with Batman catching The Riddler in a honeytrap sting involve a transvestite prostitute.
3 - In Batman 3 everyone sits around puzzled by the fact that they’ve actually become slightly nostalgic for Jim Carrey, something none of them thought they would ever do.
Oh that’s it. Shia La Bellend is the final straw for me. I’m not playing anymore.
I hope it crashes and burns in an ocean of shit. But even then they’ll make Robin: The Movie, because everyone with any money seems to think La Boff farts rainbows and acts with the power of a thousand suns. When in fact he just looks like the kid you picked on at school because he looked like the kid from Boy Meets World. And his acting made Harrison Ford look like Michael Gambon and Gary Oldman having and act-off.
OK SO shia Le Beuf as Robin…….I dont know could be good .
as for people saying “oh this movie is going to suck because…….”
Look at batman begins, and when they casted Heath Ledger (RIP) as the joker..
people were probably thinking not the guy from broke back mountain..
And he played the best Joker (IMO, and many others)
JUST WAIT FOR THE 3RD ONE TO COME OUT BEFORE U MAKE YOUR ASSUMPTIONS
This is absolutely not true.
No WAY!! THERE IS NO F#%$ING WAY this is happening! Christopher Nolan just made himself look like the world’s biggest idiot. If you want to do something to “make sure the story is interesting” don’t put bloody Eddie Murphy in a green suit and have him tell corny jokes. Pooh Bear would have been a better choice for the role. By the way, if you want to have somebody that CAN ACTUALLY ACT for this movie, try Hugh Laurie as the Riddler.
The Sun is having everyone on, come on when has the truth ever come out of the sun? eh the truth?
Nobody actually forces you to go and see these movies.
Every time I say Shia Le Bouf looks like Ben Savage my room-mate makes this terrible screeching noise and starts babbling incoherently. I think that means she disagrees.
And who says Stuart bothers watching the movies he writes about?
I wanna park my car in Eddie’s nose..
don’t let eddie do anything but cartoon voices..please god please!!!! Pray people pray!!!
Where do people get these bullshit rumors? none of this stuff is true. Chris Nolan has not even decided if he is doing the movie yet. As of yet there is no story, no characters, no plot, no director….. nothing. Warner brothers does intend on making a 3rd movie…. that is all that there is at the moment.
i dont think thats a good idea, they doing great job on the dark knight and thats it, no more batman movie.
unless they put someone who really can pull off more than heath doing the joker, and my guess is Joaquin Pheonix
This is simply not true. They havnt even got a script for the next batman film. how can there be a cast? There was a rumour that it may be Coleman reece from ‘dark knight’ playing the riddler as he does know who batman is. The batman films are not funny. so eddie murphy will never be in them. jesus they are dark films and thats about all they have in common with eddie murphy!!
wikipedia says Skeet Ulrich will play the Riddler
?????????
“terri-fucking-ble” that’s the word i coined for such a disastrously wrong article. yeah i get that shia lebeouf is shit because he’s a newcomer and hasn’t really proven himself(plus he’s been awful in most everything he’s appeared in) but to call a staple of 80s and early 90s comedy a “woefully unfunny dickmunch” is plain, utter stupidity…another case of an idiot not being able to distinguish a person’s accomplishments from his personal defects.
the only reason i could surmise for you saying something that stupid is that you missed “coming to america” and “trading places” or that you’re just clinically retarded. either way, i’m positive that the style of humor present is in “pineapple express” is right up your alley. but you’ll probably deny that(even to yourself) because you couldn’t stand the idea that you’re a transparent prat.
Hi Guys
I have an idea for a sub-plot for Batman 3 which could be leave the door open for 4th batman storyline. This is not to be the main story for batman 3.
It involves the creation on catwomen and Robin characters and sets in motion their direction towards good and evil. Both are young Policer officers members of the SWAT team. Both have their reasons for joining the police and both have different ideas on how justice should be served which is shaped by the deaths of people close to them in the batman mob wars.
The plot would involve just 5 minutes of screen time fot both robin and catwomen. they are involved in freeing hostages from a bank robbery or kidnapping when the batman shows up to help. In the course on catching the bad guys catwomen and batman neutralise the bad guys but catwomen dishes out her brand of justice and kills them then radios into to her swat team telling them batman has killed one of the badguyts. the swat team is ordered to capture batman which results in batman and robin have good fight in which for a stroke of bad luck robin nearly beats batman. Batman gets away but is impressed by robin and under the advice from fox and Albert they agree to monitor his progress as a potential replacement for batman when the time comes.
Meanwhile Batman warns Gorden about catwomen and tries to figure out our past and motives for killing certain crimimals and framing the batman.
Blatantly untrue. Bale and Nolan both said they would never EVER EVER EVER bring Robin into the picture. If Robin’s there, neither of the things that make Batman Batman will be there…and consequently no one will friggin watch it.
i dunno, i trust Nolan… he must know what he’s doing. eddie murphy was a great comedian and he can act. i mean maybe he wants to be taken a little more seriously… he was good in Metro? well its been 10 years since iv seen that film. maybe it is all bollocks but i would think a guy (nolan) who has made many great films kinda knows what he is doing. leave it to the professionals ey!
p.s. i do think robin is a bad idea though
ok Eddie murphy isn’t a bad actor, he’s done good in roles he’s fit for, edward nigma not being one of them, lets face it all racism aside edward nigma (the riddler) is a white man, for nolan to portray him as african american is not only a horrible idea, it steers away from batman’s roots, nolan has already altered the ethnicity of one character in THE DARK KNIGHT all fans of batman knows Harvey Dent was in fact african american or atleast mixed to say the least, but somehow it worked, but eddie murphy will not, NOLAN IF YOU DO THIS YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR BATMAN TRILOGY ILL GO BACK TO WATCHING MICHAEL KEATON AND JACK NICHOLSON,
also for all the fans i have a preposition to make, dont be hasty with your decision think about, remember the late 1990’s early 2000’s show angel, David boreaniz as bruce wayne???? whats your opinion??