First the good news: it seems likely that the Batman 3 casting rumours can end now. Are you ready for the bad news?
The bad news is that Batman 3 director Christopher Nolan appears to have banged his head quite hard on a doorframe and is badly concussed. We’ve deduced this thanks to reports that Nolan has signed Eddie Murphy to play The Riddler in Batman 3. Eddie bloody Murphy.
But it’s not all bad, because it’s not as if he’s also signed Shia LaBeouf to play Robin in Batman 3 as well, is it? It is? Christopher Nolan, you great big sod, what have you done?
Casting Batman 3 was always going to pose a problem for Christopher Nolan. The Dark Knight was such a massive success that the logical thing to do would be to bring back the same villains for the sequel. The problem with that plan, though, is that one of the baddies died onscreen and the other one died in real life.
So all Christopher Nolan had to start Batman 3 with was Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and a man with a stupid voice being chased by some dogs like a great big morally-ambiguous sausage. And that’s how the great Batman 3 casting rumours started. Several names were all thrown into the pot, but none of them stuck. Here’s why:
Angelina Jolie as Catwoman – Would have contractually requested a sequence where Batman goes to Darfur and weeps for 30 minutes.
Johnny Depp as The Riddler – Will Batman 3 be a) directed by Tim Burton or b) an impenetrable kid’s film? No? Well there’s your answer.
Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin – Philip Seymour Hoffman in a popular film? Whatever next?
Cher as Catwoman – Not even Christopher Nolan wants audiences to leave the cinema covered in vomit and eye-blood because they’ve seen Cher’s latex-covered vulva in close-up on an Imax screen.
Actually, the real reason none of the above were cast for Batman 3 is simple – it’s because Christopher Nolan had a secret wishlist that was far, far shittier. How shit? Shia LaBeouf shit. Eddie Murphy shit. The Sun reports:
Funnyman Eddie Murphy will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal. The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director Christopher Nolan. Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, 22, to play Robin. Meanwhile, Brit Rachel Weisz is said to be up for the Catwoman role.
Now, OK, we can see Rachel Weisz as Catwoman in Batman 3, because she’s very clearly lovely. But didn’t Christian Bale say that he’d be ‘chaining himself up and refusing to work‘ if Robin appeared in the sequel to The Dark Knight? And Eddie Murphy? Eddie Murphy? Eddie titting Murphy?
Obviously The Sun‘s report should be taken with a pinch of salt at the moment, partly because nothing has been officially confirmed and partly because Eddie Murphy was referred to with the prefix ‘funnyman’ as opposed to the technically more accurate ‘woefully unfunny dickmunch’. But still, what if the rumours are true?
If Eddie Murphy really is going to be The Riddler in Batman 3, then we’ve whittled down the movie’s storyline to three possible options:
1 – Batman 3 won’t just feature The Riddler played by Eddie Murphy, but also The Riddler’s mother, father, obese girlfriend and racist stereotypical Chinaman neighbour, all also played by Eddie Murphy.
2 – Batman 3 will be about Batman chasing The Riddler to take a DNA test because he knocked up a Spice Girl and denied the baby was his. The movie ends with Batman catching The Riddler in a honeytrap sting involve a transvestite prostitute.
3 – In Batman 3 everyone sits around puzzled by the fact that they’ve actually become slightly nostalgic for Jim Carrey, something none of them thought they would ever do.
Horror says
Oh that’s it. Shia La Bellend is the final straw for me. I’m not playing anymore.
I hope it crashes and burns in an ocean of shit. But even then they’ll make Robin: The Movie, because everyone with any money seems to think La Boff farts rainbows and acts with the power of a thousand suns. When in fact he just looks like the kid you picked on at school because he looked like the kid from Boy Meets World. And his acting made Harrison Ford look like Michael Gambon and Gary Oldman having and act-off.
HellsBells says
This is absolutely not true.
Pleasedontdothis says
No WAY!! THERE IS NO F#%$ING WAY this is happening! Christopher Nolan just made himself look like the world’s biggest idiot. If you want to do something to “make sure the story is interesting” don’t put bloody Eddie Murphy in a green suit and have him tell corny jokes. Pooh Bear would have been a better choice for the role. By the way, if you want to have somebody that CAN ACTUALLY ACT for this movie, try Hugh Laurie as the Riddler.
soulsultin says
The Sun is having everyone on, come on when has the truth ever come out of the sun? eh the truth?
Julian Mentat says
Nobody actually forces you to go and see these movies.
Beth says
Every time I say Shia Le Bouf looks like Ben Savage my room-mate makes this terrible screeching noise and starts babbling incoherently. I think that means she disagrees.
And who says Stuart bothers watching the movies he writes about?
who? says
I wanna park my car in Eddie’s nose..
mod says
don’t let eddie do anything but cartoon voices..please god please!!!! Pray people pray!!!
Dillon Fontaine says
Where do people get these bullshit rumors? none of this stuff is true. Chris Nolan has not even decided if he is doing the movie yet. As of yet there is no story, no characters, no plot, no director….. nothing. Warner brothers does intend on making a 3rd movie…. that is all that there is at the moment.
iNo says
i dont think thats a good idea, they doing great job on the dark knight and thats it, no more batman movie.
unless they put someone who really can pull off more than heath doing the joker, and my guess is Joaquin Pheonix
Anthony says
This is simply not true. They havnt even got a script for the next batman film. how can there be a cast? There was a rumour that it may be Coleman reece from ‘dark knight’ playing the riddler as he does know who batman is. The batman films are not funny. so eddie murphy will never be in them. jesus they are dark films and thats about all they have in common with eddie murphy!!
Harley says
wikipedia says Skeet Ulrich will play the Riddler
?????????
terri-fucking-ble says
“terri-fucking-ble” that’s the word i coined for such a disastrously wrong article. yeah i get that shia lebeouf is shit because he’s a newcomer and hasn’t really proven himself(plus he’s been awful in most everything he’s appeared in) but to call a staple of 80s and early 90s comedy a “woefully unfunny dickmunch” is plain, utter stupidity…another case of an idiot not being able to distinguish a person’s accomplishments from his personal defects.
the only reason i could surmise for you saying something that stupid is that you missed “coming to america” and “trading places” or that you’re just clinically retarded. either way, i’m positive that the style of humor present is in “pineapple express” is right up your alley. but you’ll probably deny that(even to yourself) because you couldn’t stand the idea that you’re a transparent prat.
Jordhan says
Hi Guys
I have an idea for a sub-plot for Batman 3 which could be leave the door open for 4th batman storyline. This is not to be the main story for batman 3.
It involves the creation on catwomen and Robin characters and sets in motion their direction towards good and evil. Both are young Policer officers members of the SWAT team. Both have their reasons for joining the police and both have different ideas on how justice should be served which is shaped by the deaths of people close to them in the batman mob wars.
The plot would involve just 5 minutes of screen time fot both robin and catwomen. they are involved in freeing hostages from a bank robbery or kidnapping when the batman shows up to help. In the course on catching the bad guys catwomen and batman neutralise the bad guys but catwomen dishes out her brand of justice and kills them then radios into to her swat team telling them batman has killed one of the badguyts. the swat team is ordered to capture batman which results in batman and robin have good fight in which for a stroke of bad luck robin nearly beats batman. Batman gets away but is impressed by robin and under the advice from fox and Albert they agree to monitor his progress as a potential replacement for batman when the time comes.
Meanwhile Batman warns Gorden about catwomen and tries to figure out our past and motives for killing certain crimimals and framing the batman.
Sandy says
Blatantly untrue. Bale and Nolan both said they would never EVER EVER EVER bring Robin into the picture. If Robin’s there, neither of the things that make Batman Batman will be there…and consequently no one will friggin watch it.
mark says
i dunno, i trust Nolan… he must know what he’s doing. eddie murphy was a great comedian and he can act. i mean maybe he wants to be taken a little more seriously… he was good in Metro? well its been 10 years since iv seen that film. maybe it is all bollocks but i would think a guy (nolan) who has made many great films kinda knows what he is doing. leave it to the professionals ey!
mark says
p.s. i do think robin is a bad idea though
Shawn says
OK SO shia Le Beuf as Robin…….I dont know could be good .
as for people saying “oh this movie is going to suck because…….”
Look at batman begins, and when they casted Heath Ledger (RIP) as the joker..
people were probably thinking not the guy from broke back mountain..
And he played the best Joker (IMO, and many others)
JUST WAIT FOR THE 3RD ONE TO COME OUT BEFORE U MAKE YOUR ASSUMPTIONS
The Batman says
ok Eddie murphy isn’t a bad actor, he’s done good in roles he’s fit for, edward nigma not being one of them, lets face it all racism aside edward nigma (the riddler) is a white man, for nolan to portray him as african american is not only a horrible idea, it steers away from batman’s roots, nolan has already altered the ethnicity of one character in THE DARK KNIGHT all fans of batman knows Harvey Dent was in fact african american or atleast mixed to say the least, but somehow it worked, but eddie murphy will not, NOLAN IF YOU DO THIS YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR BATMAN TRILOGY ILL GO BACK TO WATCHING MICHAEL KEATON AND JACK NICHOLSON,
also for all the fans i have a preposition to make, dont be hasty with your decision think about, remember the late 1990’s early 2000’s show angel, David boreaniz as bruce wayne???? whats your opinion??
Danny says
Eddie Murphy as the riddler thats just dumb becaues he can’t do it becaues in the history of batman theres never been a black riddeler not to think i am races person thats how the hole batman has been. But they should get johnny deep to play the riddler becaues he is awsome so he sholud get the part.
Ally20791 says
Robin should never be seen again after the catastrophe of Batman And Robin, I will not pay to see the film if Eddie fucking Murphy the most shit actor or comedian in the whole history of actors or comedians.
But Rachel Weisz as Catwoman would be good i personally don’t want to see her in a film again, the only villains i would like to is after playing Batman Arkham Asylum is Harley Quinn and The Riddler but only Johnny Depp playing the role.
We just need the cast and crew to confirm that there will be a 3rd film.
Ally.
Dumb people says
Something tells me this guy knows what he is doing. Something also tells me that most people commenting here, don’t know shit. Why don’t you go back to flipping burgers, jacking off, and blowin your wad all over the girls on the cover of your anime porn! Do what you do movie makers!
Mark says
Robin is a bad idea , especially being played by Shia, the riddler as Eddie Murphy would not be a bad idea showing that it can be done, it would be weird having just the riddler as the main villian they should have a replacement for joker and have Harley Quinn created through joker and team up with him and bust him out of the asylum.
John "silly guy" Floyd says
what the hell i wish yall would leave eddie murphy the hell alone and if i hear one mo thing about his color i going rip every single one of yall who said anything a new a**hole. Of course its not a good idea but hell dont say anything bout his color anybody can play the riddler and if he do cast eddie as the riddler then hell yall mo******f**** is still going to go see the damn movie so get over it ass wipes
Emma says
I have to say, i have been a batman fan since the very start, the first thing i read was little a batman comic (not lieing) and the only movies i love watching now are batman ones and everything they have said about batman moives i have belived and through they were doing it right in UNTILL NOW sure Eddie Murphy was good in the day and Shia LaBeouf is ‘in’ now but god their’s got to be other people out there to play them.like ‘Pleasedontdothis’ says Hugh Laurie as the Riddler (that would be so good to watch) anyway the point in trying to say is Christopher Nolan if your reading this (which i dont think you would be but…)think about what your doing, i might sound silly by saying this but batman is everything to some people. its even a life style and i think if did and are casting those people you will
1)lose so many fans
2)make a bad name for yourself
3)make batman fans (like me) really angry
so thats just my way of things (and im sure lots of others think the same)
peace out :)
Ya Mamma says
1) The author of this article is retarded. The only thing stuart has to defend his point is “Eddie Murphy? Really?”
2) Jim Carey played Edward Nigma last time; is Eddie Murphy really such a stretch? I think not. Besides the whole “he’s black” deal (which isnt valid seeing as how Harvey Dent’s race has changed multiple times throughout his history) what is the difference?
3) I think that casting Eddie Murphy would be a great idea. I would be interested to see what sort of take he would have on the traditional role. Heath Ledger, an actor who was previously synonomus with chick flicks, almost completely abandoned The Joker’s historical characteristics and was praised for it. I think Ediie Murphy could do the same thing.
4) There has been no casting on the next Batman movie, so chances are, Eddie Murphy wont be in it. Plus, he’ll probably be filming Beverly Hills Cop IV around the same time.
JUANDOUGH says
FOR REAL THIS IS THE BEST SUGGESTED SUBPLOT I HAVE HEARD AND COULD TIE IN WITH THE FRANK MILLER DARKER DARK KNIGHT RENDITION OF THE CAPED CRUSADER WE ALL KNOW AS BATMAN REMEMBER THIS IS YEAR TWO SO THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY REAL BOSSES OR SUPERVILLIANS THE STORYLINE SHOULD BE ABOUT BRUCE WAYNE OWNING THE CAPE AND COWL AND LINING HIS MANTLE WITH SUB BOSSES AND EARNING THE HEARTS OF GOTHAM NOT SELLING THE AUDIENCE ON BIG NAME ACTORS AND JUST GOOD OLD STORY TELLING BRAVO MR JORDHAN BRAVO I AM VERY IMPRESSED A LITTLE OVER THE TOP IN THE ENDING BUT COMPELLING NONE THE LESS DICK GREYSON SHOULD NOT STEAL THE LIGHT BUT SHOULD BE INTRODUCED AND SELINA KYLE SHOULD NOT BE A SUPPERVILIAN BUT AN ASPIRING SUBVILLIANESS NOT A LOVE INTEREST VICKY VALE SHOULD BE THE NEXT SERIOUS LOVE INTEREST AND THEN SELINA KYLE
thrice1234 says
Could have not said it better myself! Nolan is a genuis! INception and dark knight were phenomenal. He knows what he’s doing. Eddie is funny and can be dark. We all thought the same thing when he casted Heath ledger as the joker! We all thought the guy from brokeback mountain,really? But he fucking blew us away, god rest his soul! Eddie can do it! But johnny depp would’ve been great too.