Batman 3: Cher Is Catwoman, So Feel Free To Gag
Then buzz it up
August 26th, 2008 at 18:00 by Stuart Heritage
There’s never been a perfect Catwoman, and that’s because no Catwoman has ever straddled a cannon and bellowed If I Could Turn Back Time with her arse out.
But that’s potentially going to change with the release of Batman 3, or whatever the sequel to The Dark Knight is going to be called. That’s because, according to The Mirror, Christopher Nolan’s first choice to play Catwoman is none other than 62-year-old surgically modified warbler Cher.
Phew, and to think that Angelina Jolie was almost Catwoman, too. That would have just been sick.
We’re in a brave new world here, people. The Dark Knight isn’t just not the top movie at the box office any more, it isn’t also not the best movie ever made any more according to recent statistics. And, whisper it, but The Dark Knight is also isn’t not the movie that isn’t not going to won’t beat Titanic to the all-time top-grossing movie title. We think. We may have got a little confused back there.
Anyway, our point is this - now that we’re living in a world where The Dark Knight hype is starting to wilt, it should be time that Batman 3 hype got a kick up the old wazoo. But first, let’s see where we stand with Batman 3 hype at the moment.
It’s a concrete, rock-solid, set in stone fact that neither The Penguin or Catwoman will be appearing in Batman 3, just as it’s scientifically unequivocal that Catwoman will be in Batman 3 and played by Angelina Jolie. But now a new report is suggesting that Catwoman will be in Batman 3 and played by Cher. And, since it’s the most recent, we’re more inclined to believe it. The Mirror reports:
Cher has been lined up to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. Cher, 62, was invited to join a cast which includes Johnny Depp as The Riddler. A studio executive revealed: “Cher is Nolan’s first choice to play Catwoman. He wants her to portray her like a vamp in her twilight years. The new Catwoman will be the absolute opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry’s purring creations.”
Actually, once you’ve got over the shock of Cher as Catwoman - and brace yourself, it’ll probably take up to six or seven hours for the news to sink in and the terror-sweats to stop - it actually makes a twisted amount of sense. After all, Cher and Catwoman are incredibly similar. Look…
1) They both have a terrible dress sense.
2) They both have problem hair.
3) They’re both gay icons.
4) Both of them believe in life after love.
5) Catwoman once had a ginger son with a face like a club foot, exactly like Cher did in the film Mask.
Spooky, huh? So, on the whole, we’re generally convinced that Cher being Catwoman is a perfectly good idea, although news of an older Catwoman has kind of given the game away that Batman 3 will revolve around the theme of vaginal prolapse. Oh well, we’ll get over it.
Related and recent:
- More Batman 3: Eckhart Says Two-Face Is Dead Dead Dead
- Batman 3: Johnny Depp Definitely The Riddler, But Probably Not
- Batman 3: Phillip Seymour Hoffman Gets Reverse-Psychological
- Christopher Nolan To Pull Out Of Batman 3?
- World’s Worst TV Idea: Robin - The Earlier, Non-Batman Years
- Batman 3: Angelina Jolie Should Be Catwoman, Says Catwoman
- Batman 3: Catwoman & The Penguin To Remain Unemployed
- Cher Flogs Off All Her Old Crap
August 26th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Lies! It’s all Lies!!!!
August 26th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Great. And now we’re giving ‘The Mirror’ attention by publishing unsubstantiated rumors. A great idea though. I don’t think Nolan can top TDK though.. that is if he is even coming back.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Twilight not ancient,might as well bring back the original catwoman, “Ertha Kitt”. Makes as much sense as Cher.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Nice job with the shit reporting. It’s NOT TRUE. Christopher Nolan is on vacation. He hasn’t even considered a third film yet, and you report that he already cast Cher as the catwoman?
Do some journalism, instead of writing up bogus rumors from fanboy forums.
God the media is sad.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I see someone pissed in your coffee. First that’s a rumor and second if Cher does get the role it won’t stop you or other Batmaniots from seeing the next one. So give me a break, if she so happens do a good job you’ll be eating your words.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Thanks for the great article but it looks like you’ve pissed off the fanboys. You’ve just dashed their hopes of seeing any wank-bait in the next Batman movie. For shame.
August 31st, 2008 at 5:16 am
Michelle Pfeifer was the perfect catwoman
August 31st, 2008 at 7:47 am
Bite your tongue. I was there for Cher opening night in Vegas, that woman still have it!! I think she and Depp would rock the house. Hope it is true.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:23 am
Er, excuse me, but isn’t Catwoman supposed to be around the same age as Batman? As opposed to being old enough to be his GRANDMOTHER??
September 6th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Hold up, Cher’s still alive?!
September 7th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
y cast a scag? some1 hot plz
September 13th, 2008 at 4:27 am
Nope. I’m still not over it.
I hate the idea of a 62-year-old Catwoman.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:26 am
CHER AS THE CATWOMAN????,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,WTF ?
PLEASE ,NOLAN PLEASE, DONT FUCK IT UP,, AND I WANT TO SEE RICHBOY BRUCE GET HIS BATASS BEAT !! YOU KNOW I WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER AND TO GET THAT BATMAN SUIT ALL THORN OUT AND FUCKD !!! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?
I WANT AN ENEMY THAT MAKES BATMAN BLEEDS !!!
I TOUGHT THE JOKER WAS GOING TO DO IT ,, HE JUST MESS WITH THE BATMAN MIND
September 16th, 2008 at 8:17 am
chic…you just don’t seem to get the formula of super-hero movies do you. Wow, i’d love to be like you and have that thrill of really not knowing what’s going to be the outcome of a film like Batman, haven’t experienced that since I was about 4
October 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am
wat the hell?
when i heard it was gona b jonny depp playin as the riddler i was pretty psyched……but when i saw a 62 year old washed up, prune get the spot 4 catwoman, i was …….ughhhh!!!!!!!! Y her??? isnt thre sm1 else out there 4 the role?????
November 24th, 2008 at 2:02 am
what about the girl from urban legend?…. rebecca gayheart?….huh…huh…..maybe a good catwoman…. better than cher
November 25th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Uh, …Indira Varma, Milla Jovovich, Rosalyn Sanchez, Angelina Jolie, Olga Kurylenko, Alicia Keys(in a role similar to the one in “Smoking Aces”) or any unnamed actress could do Catwoman justice.
But, Cher?? I am indeed gagging.
I doubted Nolan in selecting Ledger over Paul Bettany, and was ate my words. But c’mon! Nolan can make Catwoman as evil as he likes, but she absolutely HAS to be sexy too.
ugh, excuse me, I need to go puke now.