This whole Anna Nicole Smith thing happened so long ago that we honestly can't remember a single thing about it – we think she had a baby or died or something – so it'd be just great to see the whole Anna Nicole Smith story condensed into two hours.
Wait a minute, that's already happening! Even though the general public at large has had so much Anna Nicole Smith stuck up them over the last couple of months that they'd rather plunge corkscrews into their eyes than hear another squeak about her, an enterprising filmmaker has already started to crack on with an Anna Nicole Smith biopic, with singer slash actress slash model slash dancer slash tits-out jizz-target Willa Ford being cast as Anna Nicole Smith.
Filmmaker – if you're reading this, we totally look like that German impotent prince guy who didn't father Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Plus we're cheap. Call our agent. His trolley-collecting shift ends at 2am, so that's when he'll be free.
You've probably noticed that there's a weird sense of calm in the air today, and it's the sort of clam that comes from knowing that we finally have all the answers in the Anna Nicole Smith saga. Why did Anna Nicole Smith die? Because she took an accidental overdose of every drug known to man. Where was Anna Nicole Smith buried? The Bahamas, just like the freakish sobbing judge wanted. Who's the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby? Larry Birkhead is. What was that Anna Nicole Smith judge smoking in the park that one time? A doobie.
The end. Of course, now that the Anna Nicole Smith story has no more loose ends left, people can start to get on with the serious business of making all kinds of tawdry low-rent Anna Nicole Smith biopics. And what do you know, there's one already in the pipeline – and it's going to star Willa Ford as Anna Nicole Smith. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Pop singer and one-time "Dancing With the Stars" competitor Willa Ford will play Anna Nicole Smith in an independent movie that begins shooting next week, Daily Variety reported Wednesday. Ford, 26, is best known for her hit single "I Wanna Be Bad," from her 2001 album. Like Smith, she also was a Playboy model… The previously announced independent movie "Anna Nicole" will cover her life from 17 to her death.
OK, we'll admit that we don't have an effing clue who Willa Ford actually is, but apparently she's a wonderful human being who has fwapped her boobs out for Playboy – in the issue that Jessica Alba got her knickers in a twist about – and has also done it with a Backstreet Boy, released a single called Fuck The Men and appeared on Dancing With The Stars as a sort of proto Heather Mills. But starring as Anna Nicole Smith in a two-bob flick that Movies24 wouldn't even show at 3am on a Wednesday is easily the biggest thing that Willa Ford has ever done.
And now Willa Ford will have to prepare, because she's really going to need to inhabit Anna Nicole Smith to make the most of this opportunity. Willa's apparently already learnt how to apply clown make-up to herself in order to make herself look more horrifying than anyone could possibly imagine, and she's said to be reading up on fake boat marriages to people who you falsely claimed fathered your children.
And as soon as Willa Ford has got that rolling about on a bed with a government official thing down, that Oscar is as good as hers. Providing the Oscars start a new category for Best Portrayal Of A Drugged-Up Pornstar In A Sleazy Biopic That Nobody Can Actually Be Expected To Pay To See, that is.
Read more:
Willa Ford To Star In Independent Movie On Anna Nicole – SFGate