So it's agreed – Anna Nicole Smith will be buried in the Bahamas. It's also agreed that the judge in charge of the Anna Nicole Smith case is a bit of a blubbering dipstick and that his ruling will be appealed against until Anna Nicole Smith turns into dust.
In a ruling that could have only been more suitable to the case if he'd painted his face up like a nightmarish clown and started yammering his decision incomprehensibly to a plastic doll in a pram, Judge Larry Seidlin yesterday pronounced that Anna Nicole Smith should be buried in the Bahamas next to her dead son Daniel in between sobbing like a girl and babbling on about spirituality like some kind of deranged lunatic. Yeah, Anna Nicole Smith would be proud. If she wasn't dead. And probably off her nut on methadone in heaven.
As our dear old uncle used to tell us, there ain't nothing that speeds up the decision-making process like a rapidly decomposing pornstar – and believe us, he knew – but that's never been more true than in the case of Anna Nicole Smith. All the time that Howard K Stern was trying to get her buried in the Bahamas and Virgie Arthur was trying to stop him, Anna Nicole Smith's carcass was getting progressively mouldier and mouldier until even the morgue-worker with the loosest moral code changed his mind about a quick hop-on.
The Anna Nicole Smith body-battle was a hotly-contested affair from more or less the instant that Anna Nicole Smith dropped dead. Nobody is any the wiser about who the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter is – it could be Howard K Stern, it could Larry Birkhead, it could be Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband or that dead billionaire she married, it could even be Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts for all we know – but at least Anna Nicole Smith can now be laid to rest in the country where she rolled around with that immigration official.
Yesterday Judge Larry Seidlin handed custody of Anna Nicole Smith's corpse to the court-appointed guardian of Anna Nicole's daughter Dannielynn Hope, who then consulted with Howard K Stern, Larry Birkhead and Virgie Arthur until they chose to bury Anna Nicole Smith in the Bahamas next to her dead son Daniel. But it's not an exaggeration to say that Seidlin did this while sniffing and blubbering like a little girl. Seidlin stated:
"Richard Milstein esquire, as the guardian ad litem for Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern, is awarded custody of the remains of Anna Nicole Smith… I want her buried with her son. In the Bahamas. I want them to be together."
Soon after Howard K Stern, Larry Birkhead and Virgie Arthur came together in front of the press to announce that Anna Nicole Smith would be buried in the Bahamas, though, it was revealed that Arthur had launched an appeal against the decision – although it's thought that it will be rejected within days.
So now all that remains is for the medical examiner to discover what actually killed Anna Nicole Smith – a verdict is expected with the next two weeks – and who the father of her baby is. Not that Judge Larry Seidlin cares, though, we're half expecting to see him on TV in a new show called Judge Larry Weeps Along To Hits Of The Day before the summer.