Does your Christmas list include Sharon Osbourne's slime-covered breast implants, the quad bike that smashed Ozzy Osbourne into a coma or whatever digital airbrush suite made Kelly Osbourne look vaguely decent for those Chicago posters?
Then boy oh boy, is today ever your lucky day. Now that Jack Osbourne and Kelly Osbourne have grown up and flown the nest, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have decided to auction off 600 bits of crap that was cluttering up their house, like beds and robes and sunglasses and, honestly, the quad bike that fell on Ozzy Osbourne's head and almost killed him in 2003. That's of particular worth because traces of Ozzy Osbourne's blood can still be found on the underside of the bumper – handy if any crackpot scientist wants to make a tropical island theme-park out of scientifically-engineered Ozzy Osbourne clones. It'd be safer than Jurassic Park too, because – unlike velociraptors – Ozzy Osbourne has never learnt how to open doors.
The sale of celebrity memorabilia has never been so popular, whether you want to get your hands on Cher's 500-year-old Jesus or Syd Barrett's bread bin or Ellen Barkin's $20 million jewellery collection. But now the pinnacle of celebrity memorabilia has been reached with an auction item so red-hot that the bidding will probably be fierce enough to start all kinds of bloody international wars – Jack Osbourne's leather bed. And not just any Jack Osbourne leather bed either, the leather bed that Jack Osbourne slept in when he was still a bit porky. Where will it go? Will it take pride of place in the world-famous Jack Osbourne Leather Bed Museum? Will it be preserved forever by historians eager to teach future generations what sort of leather bed Jack Osbourne slept in when he was still a bit porky? We just don't know.
But Jack Osbourne's leather bed is just one of the 600 items that Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are to sell off at auction between November 30 and December 1. Now that the kids have left home, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne want to de-clutter, you see, and so they're auctioning off their belongings from their cursed houses to raise money for the Sharon Osbourne Colon Cancer Foundation; a charitable organisation that raises millions to make sure that Sharon Osbourne's colon stays as shiny and clean as one that's just been buffed by an industrial hot wax carwash. Or something. Reuters reports:
Celebrity rock couple Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, facing a new life as "empty nesters" with their children off on their own, are holding a $1 million (490,000 pounds) garage sale to clean out some of their rather upscale clutter. The sale… includes a gilded Buddha statue, a walnut parquetry inlaid games table, and the couple's Louis XVI-style master bedroom set. But it also includes such items as a pair of Ozzy's trademark sunglasses, the all-terrain vehicle he was seriously injured while riding in 2003, his son Jack's black leather bed, and gowns worn by Sharon and their daughter, Kelly.
While the auction clearly has its benefits for the Osbournes themselves – as well as raising money for charity it'll also mean there'll be less stuff knocking around the house for Ozzy Osbourne to bang into and howl swearwords at – the sale of the family's personal collection will also be good news to the public. And, in particular, fans of two-bit agony aunts, boys who can't even get Joss Stone to like them and anyone who shares Sharon Osbourne's belief that Mother Teresa was an "ugly old cunt." Those people will find they'll be catered to especially well, we expect.
Read more:
anne says
why do you all have to be so mean
the osbournes are cool
and by the way the money towards Sharon’s colon
its going towards her cancer FOUNDATION!