Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

If Adolph Hitler had been a woman, perhaps he would have only killed his husband’s dinner every night instead of all those innocent nice people. But alas – he wasn’t. The testosterone that raced through his veins pushed his military into the far corners of the world – mowing down anybody that prayed to a different God. If only his hobbies had been crocheting and recipes instead of gas chambers and bombs. Perhaps then things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand.

Perhaps that’s why the allied forces were going to use inside people to slip him enough estrogen to make him grow boobies, and wonder which lip stick would go best with his shoes.

Long have we thought that Hitler would look good in a Bikini. And we’re not talking about the Hitler you see in all the old news reals – we mean him in his current state. But then we’ve always thought long-dead zombie dictators were an attractive lot. We’re not alone here either. Except for the zombie part. Yes, we’re pretty sure we’re alone in the zombie part.

Apparently Winston Churchill thought he might actually stand a chance if Hitler was a woman and the two of them crossed paths in a dimly lit, romantic bar. Maybe that’s why the Allies of WWII actually had a plan to slip Adolph estrogen. If he was too busy smoothing his nails then he probably wouldn’t think about squishing Polish babies under his tank tread as much. But let’s skip straight to the source here. According to WalesOnline:

“[The Hitler/Estrogen details] have come to light now because of the publication of new documents not previously seen because of their sensitive nature. The book is authored by Professor Brian Ford, a fellow at Cardiff University and pioneer of popular science. He said the allies were deadly serious about turning the evil Austrian transgender – to be more like his placid sister Paula.

“Professor Ford said: “There was an allied plan that they would smuggle oestrogen into Hitler’s food and change his sex so he would become more feminine and less aggressive. “Their research had showed the importance of sex hormones – they were beginning to be used in sex therapy in London. The plan was to give sex hormones to Hitler and counterbalance his unnecessary aggression.” Professor Ford said the plan was perfectly plausible because British spies were already in place and primed to secretly dose his vegetable garden with the hormones which would have gone undetected for months.”

The transfer season may well be over, but the biggest football transfer of the year has just taken place. That’s right, after having their contracts terminated by Sky Sports, public whipping boys Richard Keys and Andy Gray have signed for conference side talkSPORT, in a deal said to be worth roughly the price of a few Fray Bentos pies.

Gray and Keys, or to give them their proper names, Tweedle-Chimp (have you seen how hairy Keys’ hands are? They’re not HD friendly, that’s for sure) and Tweedle-Chump, are to host a new show every weekday from 10am until 1pm.

Presumably the show will primarily involve Gray and Keys explaining the off-side rule to female callers.

A Sky Sports mole, who wished to remain nameless, described news of the signing as, “unbelievable, Jeff.”

We’re not quite sure who Jeff is, but we let the rambling idiot continue, despite the fact he seemed oblivious to the fact Gray and Keys had left. “Really… are they gone?” the mole continued, “I must’ve missed that. I saw them go off but I thought they were bringing a sub on.”

Reports we just made up also state that Gray and Keys’ new show will feature a variety of special guests, which come in the form of legends of the game as well as respected football pundits.

Keys himself did hint at the fact some guests feature more regularly than others, he was heard to exclaim that during rehearsals for the new show, “you could have gone round there any night and found Redknapp hanging out the back of it.”

Gray has found the transition from TV to radio hard though. He’s become paranoid that, without being able to draw a mess of incomprehensible lines across the screen, his analysis of key match points will degrade into a series of strange grunting sounds and attempts to put the microphone down his trousers (with or without the assistance of the nearest female colleague).

With Gray, Keys and Stan Collymore all working for talkSPORT, you’ve got to wonder how scared both the female talkSPORT employees are getting.

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This week hasn’t proved too kindly for females has it? To hecklerspray, all women are wonderful creations that make our lives better on a daily basis. Even though you need an instruction manual the thickness of a washing machine to work out how they work. Unless you’re a gay man it seems.

Some of the fascinating facts about women will never be discovered. But we won’t make fun of Stephen Fry. We don’t want him to cry and threaten to leave Twitter.

Now men have come in for a ticking off. Not off a lesbian like Claire Balding, but a shaggy haired motoring bloke, James May. You know, the fourth most popular presenter after Clarkson, the one that does the terrible Morrison’s adverts and the recently ousted Stig.

May won’t be winning any fans as he’s claimed that all modern men are morons. Further still, you might bore women senseless, only interacting with them until they beg for your sperm juice.

This is turning in to some sort of sexual conundrum that no-one seems capable of solving. Not even the replacement for Carol Vorderman on Countdown could work this one out. We’ll start the beginning, cast your mind back to what knowledge guru Stephen Fry allegedly said:

“I feel sorry for straight men. The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want.”

“Of course, a lot of women will deny this and say, ‘Oh no, but I love sex, I love it!’ But do they go around having it the way that gay men do?”

Okay, so women only want sex if it’s in a relationship. Great, we’ll throw that in to our calculator, totally forgetting one night stands, flings and situations of cheating whilst in a marriage/relationship. But James May has oddly decided to have a go at the modern bloke and wade in to the argument that men nowadays don’t know their arse from their elbow.

The Daily Mail report May saying:

“I keep reading that women are better at school and now better at parking, better at navigating. And we are sort of laughing at it going, “Ho ho ho, I’m just a bloke”

Reading between the lines as best we can, he wants to stop this culture of boys not being bothered about underperforming and waiting till they grow up to learn key life skills. That’s all well and good, but randomly a huge line is crossed as May switches from innocent education issues to the murky world of sex.

The Daily Mail again quote May as saying:

“In my lifetime men will only be required to keep sperm at operating temperature and they will have no other functions. If men do not return to their more masculine roles, women will soon no longer have a use for them except as sperm donors.”

But hold on a second! We thought women didn’t want sex unless they were in a relationship?! Surely if a rubbish bloke can’t impress with skills like capturing a spider in a cup or opening a jar of pickles we’re all doomed!

No-one will want to get down and dirty, therefore the animal kingdom seems likely to rise up and knock us off our position as top species.

What we need is a sex off between Stephen Fry, James May and a group of women to see who is right once and for all.

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Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right.

Others think the hardest part about being him is that he’s so fertile he can’t help but impregnate everything he touches – including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie.

That’s not an exact quote, mind you, but it’s in the ballpark.

If any of you ladies have been wondering – Keanu Reeves is probably a terrible father. He doesn’t take his kids to baseball games, doesn’t check their homework, and for Pete’s sake he hasn’t once cleaned up their sick even when he’s the one standing closest to the mop.

But perhaps that’s only true when he’s not actually related to the kids these crazy ladies keep trying to throw onto his family tree. One woman, for instance, claims he is definitely the sperm donor for her four children. It all seems pretty Michael Jackson-ish, actually. Her name is Karen Sala, and although Reeves’ lawyers deny outright that any of these baby-making allegations are true, she swears they are. Here’s an exact quote from the woman:

“He (Reeves) doesn’t stay away, he constantly comes and checks up and everything. It’ll come out. The truth is a strange thing and sometimes no one’s prepared for it… It will come out. You have to have faith.”

Well hang in there, lady. And if it ends up Reeves is legally freed from parental responsibility, well maybe Richard Gere is the father or something. She should probably follow him with a sandwich bag until he spits out some DNA-soaked chewing gum or something.

And if it ends up Reeves really is the father, well that really won’t matter for long. All he’ll have to do is get in a phone booth, travel back in time and successfully convince himself to not bring those bottles of cheap wine and a VHS copy of Point Break over to that extremely fertile lady’s house on at least four distinct occasions.

While he’s back there he might as well tell himself not to make the second two Matrix movies, that film where he fights all those devils, and his past self should definitely be told that flattening people with his Porche will only get him in court.

We’re just saying.

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Given that he’s everywhere all the time at the moment, we’re starting to think that Suge Knight is the gangsta Miley Cyrus.

Not completely – the day that photos of Suge Knight rolling around in his knickers are leaked to the internet is the day we cut out our eyes and, to our knowledge, Miley Cyrus has never driven around in a car allegedly punching a woman in the head – but in terms of ubiquity, the comparison just about holds up. Just about.

In fact, it’s this whole ‘allegedly punching women in the head while driving a car’ thing that’s brought Suge Knight to our attention again this time. Because now Suge Knight has been charged for the last time he supposedly beat up a women in a car. And since this time the charges also include a spot of beating up a woman in a car park with a knife in his hand, Suge Knight faces eight and a half years in jail. Oh well.

You know what makes our blood boil? People who walk around with small amounts of two different types of drugs in their pockets. Any bastard who does that should be immediately sent to jail for the best part of a decade. And as for people who think they can violently beat up women in broad daylight in a car park with a knife in their hand, well, that’s probably about 16 times less important than the drugs thing.

That’s not just our opinion, by the way – that’s the opinion of the American justice system as well. For instance, a few months ago increasingly desperate-looking rap mogul Suge Knight got arrested after he was apparently spotted driving through Las Vegas while punching a woman repeatedly in the head. When the woman escaped from the car, Suge Knight then continued beating her up while holding a knife.

And now Suge Knight has been charged. Mostly because it’s claimed he had small quantities of ecstasy and hydrocodone on him while he was allegedly thumping the life out of this woman. That part was cool because, you know, she probably deserved it. BBC News reports:

[Suge Knight] has been charged with two counts of drug possession and one of misdemeanour battery, according to papers filed in Las Vegas Justice Court. When arrested in August, police said Knight, 43, was found “violently beating” Melissa Isaac in a Las Vegas parking lot while holding a knife. If convicted, Knight could face up to four years in jail for each of the drugs charges, as well as six months for the assault charge.

So, in total, that’s an eight and a half year jail sentence he’s looking at. In retrospect, Suge Knight must be wishing that he’d punched four women in the head at knifepoint until they were hospitalised with no drugs in his pockets, because that way he’d have reduced his potential sentence by more than 75%. Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it.

However, lawyers for Suge Knight have claimed that Knight is not guilty of any of the charges, and they plan to fight them when the case goes to court next month. Personally we’re hoping that Suge Knight gets off without charge, because it’s going to be awfully hard for him to sue Kanye West from behind bars. Because in many ways, a prison sentence is nothing compared to the suffering that Suge Knight went through when he lost that earring at Kanye West’s party.

OK, not in many ways. In one way.

OK, not even in one way.

You know Katherine Heigl, the mouthy one from Knocked Up and Grey's Anatomy? You want her to be your girlfriend. You do.

You want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend because an AskMen.com survey has declared that Katherine Heigl is the most desirable woman on the planet and, as a man, it's the law to want her all to yourself.

And, you know, even if you're not a man you probably want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend as well. We're open-minded people, so we understand if you girls want a piece of Katherine Heigl too. Our only request is, if that should ever happen, that you film it and send us a copy. For research purposes. There's nothing funny about it.

The annual AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey has turned into quite the cultural barometer of what qualities men look for when they're choosing a girlfriend. For example, in the year 2150 our ancestors will look back to 2006, see that Jessica Alba was the most desirable women and understand that tight little stomachs, non-specific dimness and a refusal to ever get naked was what men looked for in a woman. And they'll see that in 2007 Beyonce was the most desirable woman, signifying that back then men liked their women with wiggly bums and smashed-up faces.

But what about 2008? What is it than men like now? Well, according to the results of this year's AskMen survey, men like really outspoken women who chainsmoke and actually seem like they'd be quite annoying if you ever met them. Because this year the winner of the AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey is Katherine Heigl, the woman who was in Knocked Up and then slagged Knocked Up off and helped fan the flames of that whole Isaiah Washington homophobia kerfuffle last year. According to Reuters:

Superlatives keep piling up for actress Katherine Heigl who on Thursday was named the "most desirable woman of 2008" by lifestyle Web site, AskMen.com. The site, which boasts seven million readers a month, said it polls users annually for a list of 99 women who best embody the qualities of an ideal girlfriend or wife, as judged by intelligence, humor, charisma and ambition among attributes. "This year's list really goes to show who (our users) relate with and find beautiful, charming and personable," said AskMen.com's editor-in-chief, James Bassil.

Remember, readers weren't voting for the sexiest woman, or the most beautiful. They were voting for their ideal girlfriend. So, on that basis we can guess that Katherine Heigl doesn't keep yipping on when you're trying to watch TV, or take two identical dresses into a clothes store changing room and then ask you which one you prefer, and also thinks it's actually quite cool when you pile rubbish in a mound on top of the bin instead of just change the bin bag.

And, if that's all true then Katherine Heigl is certainly the best girlfriend in the world.

The runners up in the AskMen Most Ideal Woman survey were Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Beckinsdale, Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Rihanna, Marisa Miller and Adriana Lima. So obviously if Katherine Heigl is out of your league, there's always Adriana Lima.

Read more:

Katherine Heigl Named "Most Desirable Woman" - Reuters 

It's so easy to become richer than your wildest dreams – all you need is a mockney husband, a giant glittery crucifix and a ghastly purple leotard that shows off your old lady's tumpsy in more detail than anyone really wanted.

As far as we can tell, that's been Madonna's trick, and it seems to have done OK for her – a Forbes survey has declared that Madonna is the richest woman in music, earning about $72 million a year.

Ask yourself this, though – does all that money make Madonna happy? Yes, of course it does. But does it make her look less wrinkled and veiny? No is does not. Ergo we win.

In six months' time, Madonna will turn 50. But does this mean she'll start taking up traditional 50-year-old woman pursuits like jam-making, attending WI coffee mornings and crocheting little cardigans for all the babies you've just realised you're too old to have?

No way. Because Madonna, right, is effing loaded.

OK, that's not really a big surprise – in 2006 Madonna completed the highest-grossing tour by any female in history, plus she signed that ridiculously huge record deal with Live Nation that'll keep her in leotards for the next decade. So that's this year and 2006 dealt with, but how much money did Madonna make in 2007?

According to the Forbes 'Cash Queens Of Music' list, the answer is 'a bloody great shitload'. Reuters reports:

Pop star Madonna is still the material girl, earning $72 million in a recent 12-month period to top a Forbes.com list of female singers whom the financial Web site dubbed "Cash Queens of Music." … The Web site tracked earnings in the period from June 2006 to June 2007 and said it examined concert ticket sales, merchandise revenue, album sales and earnings from ancillary products such as clothing, perfumes and endorsements.

You just have to sit back and applaud Madonna for earning a gigantic figure like that, don't you? And it's all the more impressive when you realise that she's basically a middle-aged failed star of erotic thrillers who makes her living by monomaniacally chasing every single hot new trend she gets a sniff of.

And all that's without a perfume, too. In an age when every two-bit reality TV schmo has got their own fragrance line, imagine how popular a perfume by a megastar as big as Madonna would be. Unless of course it smelt like Madonna, which we'd imagine to be a mixture of Botox and pickled vulvas.

Rounding out the Forbes Cash Queens Of Music top five, in case you were interested, were Shakira and Beyonce with earnings of $38m and $27m respectively. Proof then, that getting rich from being almost naked and jiggling around isn't something confined to the horrifically old.

Finally, let's not forget that Madonna is married to Guy Ritchie, so their household earnings must be incredible – we'd guess at least $72 million plus that £3.50 that Guy earnt cleaning windscreens at traffic lights last summer.

Read more:

Forbes.com dubs Madonna "Cash Queen of Music" – Reuters