Congratulations Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen – you’ve broken yourself a weekend box office record.

What record? Why, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, you’ve broken the weekend box office record for the longest, noisiest film that’s about absolutely nothing at all. And the weekend box office record for having the most painfully racist-seeming characters this side of Jar-Jar Binks.

And, somewhat inexplicably, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, you’ve broken the weekend box office record for the year’s biggest movie opening. Actually, wait, is that one true? It doesn’t seem like it should be. It is? Really? People are stupid.

So Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is the US weekend box office’s biggest movie of the year. But that’s not all. It also holds the record for the most needless sequel of all time. And the record for the loudest-ever film that you’ll probably end up falling asleep through. And the record for the movie that features so much entirely indistinguishable close-up robot-on-robot violence that you’ll quite quickly lose track of what’s supposed to be happening and just sort of end up wanting to go home.

Oh, and the record for the film that’s only going to make Shia LaBeouf more obnoxious, more liable to overuse the word ‘outrageous’ in interviews and more like to crash more cars drunk. Well done, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen! Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Oh, and Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen has also broken the weekend box office record for the film where the most amount of characters who are supposed to be old and wise have beards, even though they’re giant robots from outer space that turn into cars, and it doesn’t make much sense for them to have beards at all when you apply any amount of thought to it whatsoever) $112,000,000

2 - The Proposal (You’re not weekend box office number one any more are you, The Proposal? That technically means that Sandra Bullock isn’t America’s sweetheart any more. No, America’s new sweetheart is a massive three-storey-tall robot named Mudflap who couldn’t be more racist-seeming if he only ate fried chicken and watermelon and had a side-job driving Jessica Tandy around) $18,466,000

3 - The Hangover (Such has been The Hangover’s success that we’ve run out of things to say about it. Really. We’ve got nothing) $17,215,000

4 - Up (This is Up‘s fifth week in the weekend box office, proving that balloons and death make for an irresistible cinematic experience. Take heed, My Sister’s Keeper – what you really needed was more balloons. And more convincing actresses. And a completely different subject matter) $13,046,000

5 - My Sister’s Keeper (An appalling showing for the much-hyped My Sister’s Keeper. What kept people away? Was it the dreary subject matter? Was it the promise that everyone who watches it will end up crying? Was it the lack of giant robots? Was it the way that it seems like the worst film ever made? Maybe, but we like to think that it’s because nobody really likes Cameron Diaz as much as Cameron Diaz seems to think they do) $12,030,000

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Shocking news shockingly emerged to shock the world when it was revealed Megan Fox brutally snubbed a fan offering her a rose the other day.

While most of the shock was reserved for the fan himself, who looked like the 80s had truly never ended, some people reserved their shockedness for the one in the tight jeans from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

For you see, it is expected of movie stars to brave the crowds, to listen to their fans and to not (shockingly) ignore the offer of a yellow rose from someone who probably masturbates over pictures of you.

Shocker.

In true pansy-assed movie star fashion, Megan Fox did go on to apologise for the furore she caused and the shame she brought about on her biggest fan for the simple act of turning down his perennial flower shrub.

That’s his rose, by the way, and not any kind of witty euphemism.

And by “his rose” we mean ‘the flower he offered her’. You people have filthy minds.

Anyway, Foxy-Fox-Fox responded to one of her fans who she may have alienated during a promo interview with Collider for the new Michael “could of” Bay vehicle, putting things right by first saying:

“I did not know that was a child.”

Though she did go on to say more things that were nicer, even if it did look like she was dying a little inside by being forced to apologise for the mere fact that she hates odd-looking people and their stupid offers of shitty little flowers:

“I feel so sad for him. That’s so terrible. That kills me. There were, like, 80 million people everywhere. It’s dark, all I see are flashes. Everyone’s yelling different things and I didn’t know that was happening.”

Not content with shockingly (brutally) snubbing her biggest fan, it would appear Megan Fox now believes 80 million people show up to see her? Talk about ego…

Fox McCloud then managed to force these words out through some of the deadest eyes ever seen by man:

“If you know his name, I will send him a personal apology. I’m horrified. I would never do that. I’m sorry, sweet boy. I would never do that to you, and I would gladly accept your rose if I see you again.”

We’d wager ‘sweet boy’, as he is now known, is preparing an extra special rose just for the Foxy one with crap tattoos. Extra special.

Our biggest bucket of scorn for the day, however, has to be poured on the interviewer, who used the word “cyberspace”.

Shocking.

Here be the video.

In a shocking indictment of the state of movie directors and their grasp of the English language, Michael Bay has unleashed a furious and poorly-written email in the direction of Paramount’s bigwigs.

Bay’s email came as a result of what he perceived to be a lack of marketing behind his new vehicle of childhood butchery, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

While the content of the email, dated May 4th, isn’t that much of a shocker, the man who likes things to blow up committed the cardinal sin of writing “of” in place of “have”. More than once.

He must be a hecklerspray writer-in-training.

The email was discovered by the bloodhounds of celebrity nonsense over at TMZ and while the news has spread through other outlets, none have seemed to notice how the complaint is written in the manner of a five-year-old let loose on the keyboard.

We expected a chunk of prose on a par with Michael Bay’s films; intelligent, thoughtful and subtle. Instead what we get is a few paragraphs of… well, it’s not that bad.

But “could of”? “Would of”?! Honestly. And this man is allowed millions of dollars to play about with?

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

Bay also revealed what seems to be an obsession with pointless use of inverted commas. See:

“I have been waiting, and waiting for the ‘anticipation’ of an ‘event movie’ to make it into the ‘public zeitgeist’,”

It must have taken him a while to write that sentence, as he was clearly making speechmarks with his hands while typing it out. Go and try it now – ‘harder’ than you ‘think’, isn’t it.

Not content with a poor grasp of English, not seeming to believe “public zeitgeist” is a real term and making some really rather bad movies, Bay then went on to make out that both Jerry Bruckheimer and Steven Spielberg are literally his best friends in the whole world.

Read, and believe:

“Over the years, Jerry Bruckheimer mentored me on event movies.”

“My good friend Steven.”

What an incredibly shocking and potentially calamitous turn of events this is. The world as we know it is likely to change forever.

Thing is, Michael Bay did seem to completely change his mind a month later, telling Paramount and co. they all did a great job and were his bessie mates. Probably even better than Steven and Jerry are.

Check out the emails on TMZ.

What’s hot and what’s not. That expression falls into the latter category.

Folded:

• James Bond Sundays (classic Bond movies being shown at sixty cinemas across the UK. That should shake your hangover off)
• Bizarre ER (the cartoons are funny)
• Wearing socks (just because it’s been a bit warmer lately doesn’t mean we need to dress like we’re on holiday in the Dordogne)
• Ray Mears (he likes his tea)
• Heather Graham (at 39 years old she is only one vital step away from being the hottest milf on the planet)

Creased:

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (baffling and boring, and not in a Kafka way either)
• Birds twittering in the morning (at 3 am now?! Cursed summer)
• Miley Cyrus to kill Radiohead (thanks for the heads up by Joke Police. Don’t expect Miley was that chuffed with Thom’s response here. Though she speaks so damn fast who really knows for sure?)
• Bear Grylls (he likes boy scouts)
• Isabel Lucas (see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The girl is orange. Literally orange)

Before filming commenced, internet legend has it that Michael Bay challenged McG to a ‘dick measuring contest’ – equating to Terminator Salvation versus Transformers.

While it’s hard to tell who has the biggest dick from the movies alone, Bay wins on sheer balls – quite literally at one point. Revenge Of The Fallen is bigger, badder and stupider in every way than its predecessor.

Its a fantastic ride, but one that suffers from Bay’s trademark crash-bang editing, meaning you’ll remember the set pieces, but struggle to care about the plot.

If anyone cares, it turns out that our chunky metal pals have been on Earth for a looooong time and first started showing up around 20,000BC (subtly illustrated with a cavemen vs killer robot fight). When our hero, Sam (Shia LaBeouf) accidentally gets some alien knowledge stuck in his noggin, it sets up a race around the world to find something called ‘the Matrix’ and thwart eeeeevil British robot ‘The Fallen’.

Yep, it’s a biblical allegory with added robot combat and, frankly, it’s all the better for it. Obama may want to take credit for bringing the boys home from Iraq, but it looks like most of them were needed to work on this, with masses of tanks, choppers and troops blowing the hell out of everything in sight throughout.

The film’s target audience is 15-year-old boys, and they get well and truly served with the explosive combo of sunset battles, cool cars, ultraviolence and Megan Fox‘s super-tight jeans.

Robot-wise, the big names from the first film are back, with plenty of Starscream/Megatron bitching and a completely insane opening sequence in Shanghai, with Optimus Prime duking it out with what appears to be a demented, giant unicycle. Optimus gets an upgrade here too, with glowing sword attachments that will bring tears to the eye of 30-something men everywhere.

The films biggest problem is its choppy style, which shows up every flaw in the exo-skeleton. The movie tries a little too hard to be funny, with the always-value-for-money John Turturro fighting to keep his secret Agent wannabe afloat, and far, far too much comic relief. The idea of twins who talk in hip-hop rhymes may have been amusing in a cartoon when you were eight, but here it feels like overkill.

Gripes aside, this does exactly what you expect from a Bay film. Explosions, hot girls, piles of military hardware and nary a thought for plot as it hurtles recklessly toward an epic, money-shot climactic fight outside the pyramids. We get to see every penny of the CGI budget onscreen as upwards of 40 robots collide. If there isn’t a part of you that doesn’t enjoy the site of an especially massive robot called ‘Devastator’, complete with two huge wrecking balls between its legs, punching the top off the Sphinx, I pity you.

Crazed, hyperactive and nonsensical. It’s also curiously lovable and a true multiplex movie. Roll out and see it now.

This slice of wonderment was a guest blog by Interceptor from the brilliant Slashing The Seats. Pay it a visit, please

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He’s the world’s most desired man. She’s the world’s sexiest woman. Together they have the combined IQ of, say, a silly goose.

We’re talking about Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox. Or, if the rumours are to be believed, Frobox. Those are the rumours that Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox are secretly dating on the sly, which would necessitate the invention of an irritating singular compound brand based on their individual names.

But wait – did we just say that Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox are secretly dating? WOW! Imagine the babies they’ll have – they’ll be so cute! And also preposterously dim!

Sorry Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. You’ve had your time in the sun. Your biological children might legitimately be the pinnacle of human design, but that might not be the case for much longer.

If reports are to be believed, Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox are secretly dating. And, if they are, that’s bound to result in babies. And if Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox have babies, they’re bound to be even more beautiful than the Brangelina brood. Obviously by ‘more beautiful’ we mean ‘exactly the same but slightly more robotic-looking on their mother’s side and with a bigger chin and stupider hair on their father’s side’ but we’re excited here! Give us a break!

Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves here – the news is that Robert Pattinson might just possibly be secretly dating, or have once previously secretly dated, Megan Fox, with the secondary piece of news being that WE’RE SO EXCITED WE CAN’T BREATHE! The New York Daily News reports:

The actress reportedly bragged about hooking up with Pattinson when the couple first called off their engagement, according to a source who worked closely with Fox on the set of “Jennifer’s Body.” “Megan was totally into [Rob] and thought he was really cute,” dished the insider. “But nothing ever went further than one night they were together. He totally blew her off.”

Did you read that? Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox are totally getting married! It says it right there, in the paragraph above! Admittedly to be able to understand that, you’d need to make an anagram of the entire paragraph and then read between the lines of that – but that’s exactly what we’ve just done so it must be true! It’s so exciting.

If this news is real – and we want to believe with all our hearts that it is – then it just goes to show that fairy tales can come true. If enough 14-year-old boys simultaneously masturbate over the same internet picture of a famous girl at the exact same time that enough teenage girls wet themselves stupid while trying to do kissing practice on a tatty promotional Twilight poster, then the subjects of all those misdirected adolescent hormones are destined to end up together.

Either that or every single piece of Megan Fox-related piece of Transformers 2 merchandise are destined to end up defaced with the scrawled words ‘Rorbut belonngs 2 me, bich!’ We guess we’ll just have to wait and see which one comes true first.

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Transformers 2 is undoubtedly going to be one of the biggest movies of 2009. Well, OK, maybe not ‘biggest’.

Maybe we meant ‘loudest’. Or ‘most pointless’. Or something. Look, anyway, none of this matters because there’s a brand-new teaser trailer for Transformers 2 after the jump, and we’re about to show it to you – while giving you the full lowdown on it – after the jump.

Alternatively, if you’ve seen the first Transformers movie, you might not want to bother watching the Transformers 2 trailer. It’s exactly the same. Exactly. Seriously, we’re not joking. Avoid the Transformers 2 trailer like the plague. You’re not listening, are you?

If you like endless scenes of abstract robot-on robot violence that have such little bearing on the real world that you’ll probably fall asleep through during them even though they’re all loud enough to cause structural damage to the foundations of the cinema you’re watching them in AND you don’t think you got enough of that in the original Transformers movie, then we have two pieces of advice for you:

1 – You’re either 14 years old or a medically-diagnosable idiot.

2 - Hold onto your hat, because there’s a new Transformers 2 trailer online!

Now, even though we’ve been keeping an eye on the Transformers 2 news lately – so we know that it’ll feature a morbidly obese Megan Fox and a severely Beadled Shia LaBeouf – details about the movie’s plot have been kept quiet. This, we guessed, was either because Transformers 2 will be so utterly groundbreaking that even hinting about it will give people nosebleeds, or because it’s going to be identical to the first Transformers in every possible way.

But now our questions have been answered with the new Transformers 2 trailer. Here it is. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT, it’s not the first one…

Initial destruction of something military-looking? Check. Megan Fox doing little else but cry and scream? Check. That handsome yet boring actor who isn’t Shia LaBeouf being completely superfluous to the plot? Check. Giant fighting robots punching in other in such extraordinary close-up that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on? Check.

Said robots urinating everywhere and talking like a bad end-of-the-pier comedian doing a borderline impersonation of a black person? Che… wait a minute! NOT CHECK! That doesn’t happen ONCE in the Transformers 2 trailer! We take it all back – Transformers 2 is going to be completely fresh, new and exciting in every single way!

We’re… we’re actually looking forward to Transformers 2 now. It might not actually be as terrible as we expected. We don’t know what to do now. We were banking on Transformers 2 being the most awful, pointlessly-realised sequel of the year. What are we going to tip scorn over now?

Terminator: Salvation, you say? Right you are.

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10 - Can’t be bothered to watch the The Wire even though everyone’s always banging on about how good it is? Well here’s the whole thing, in the form of a song…

9 - Incredible vintage pictures of inventions that science never got round to inventing, the bastards – Wellmedicated

8 – Quite an interesting article about The Dark Knight score. If you like that sort of thing – Slashfilm

7 – All the celebrity mugshots you will ever need – ABCactionnews

6 – Want to be a knackered-out old crying redneck like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler? Then here’s how – Asylum

5 - A list of people who were such tools that their names all became common terms for ‘tool’ - Cracked

4 – DRAGON CAKE! - Flickr

3 - Pictures from Transformers 2. Better to get all the disappointment out early, like we’re doing - Yahoo

2 - Soul-crushing workout videos - Liquidgeneration

1 – Someone please, please commission this Japanese gameshow for the UK. The terrorists don’t hate us enough as it is – I Am Bored

Going directly against the orders of Michael Bay, Megan Fox seems to be doing exactly the opposite to piling on some poundage.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ‘sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

For once it would appear that there’s some good news about Shia LaBeouf – both with regards to his mangled hand and his movie career.

In news sure to bring a smile to The Beef’s little face, it turns out that his recent car accident will not result in the amputation of his little finger, as has been reported all over the world of the superstars these last couple of days. While the rumours were rampant that Shia himself had told producers on Transformers 2 that he would have to have his Beef pinky removed, these have been greeted by his rep as being ‘fabricated’ and ‘totally untrue’.

Which is good for him.

What’s good for everyone else in the world, though, is the news that George Lucas has seemingly gone back on his original statement that Shiny McBeef would be the new Indiana Jones. For the first time in what would appear to be an absolute age, Lucas seems to have made ‘the right decision’.

Obviously he followed it up with another bad decision immediately thereafter, but you have to really learn to love those small victories.

Shia must have been happy to know he doesn’t need an amputation, and hecklerspray was certainly happy to discover that the young one of the red-meaty name wouldn’t be taking over as the lead in a new Indiana Jones cash-in/adventure (delete as appropriate). Speaking to MTV, Lucas let loose this pearl:

“Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be Mutt Williams And The Search For Elvis or something.”

It’s nice to know George Lucas is a reader of hecklerspray. He must be, coming up with movie titles like that.

But then we realised this meant one thing and one thing only. While Shia LaBeouf won’t be taking the fedora from Indy just yet, it will be staying in the hands of Harrison Ford.

Who is fast approaching 70.

While his turn as the archaeological commie buster in Indy 4 wasn’t the best of outings, it was still verging on believable. In fact, the only truly awful part of the film came from The Beef and his Tarzan impression.

Seriously – why was that considered a good idea?

Anyway – the thought of a 70-year-old kicking arse and making wisecracks is probably pushing things that little bit too far away from hecklerspray‘s ability to suspend disbelief, but this doesn’t matter to George Lucas. Speaking about the storyline/artifact possibilities for Indiana Jones 5: Indy Goes to Mecca Bingo, the man who just can’t leave things alone said:

“We are looking for something for him to go after. They are very hard to find. It’s like archeology. It takes a huge amount of research to come up with something that will fit.”

Yes, they’re trying to think of something believable for a 70-year-old adventuring archaeologist to get involved in. Museum curation? Archivist at the local Land Registry? That drunk old bloke down the pub who you will listen to but don’t believe a word of what he says?

The possibilities are endless.

It’s something we’ve all been taught from a young age, from our days of appearing in school productions of whatever rubbish the teachers thought our parents may want to see: don’t ruin your body parts when you’re playing the lead character.

It’s something that maybe, possibly just should have been taught to everyone’s favourite beef machine, Shia LaBeouf, before he was involved in a smashed-up cartastrophe a week ago.

Unfortunately it seems that noone did teach Beefy this one life lesson, and the manchild has ended up with something of a mashed up hand. Halfway through filming Transformers 2. You broke the golden rule, Shia. Silly boy.

Fear not though, as director extraordinairre and all-round BOOM! BLAMMO! KABLAM! personality Michael Bay may well have a solution to the age-old problem of children crashing their cars halfway through filming huge-budget blockbusters: give him a CGI hand four times bigger than his head that transforms into a public toilet – of death.

What do you mean that’s not what he said? Ohhhh – he said he’d probably just write it into the script somehow. Makes more sense, we suppose.

Yes – while some actors have the good grace to go the whole hog and actually die towards the end of filming, so all that is needed is a stunt double and a few special effects (thanks, Brandon Lee in The Crow!), Shia LaBeouf had to go and hurt himself quite badly, but be alright enough to carry on with filming.

See, that’s just the selfish behaviour of a child, meaning that once again the adults have to come in and clean up the mess by writing in a scene when Optimus Prime stands on your hand or something.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

Not content with saying a naughty word and making everyone in the world overreact at him, he had to go and have himself a fairly serious accident, be accused of drink driving (which Michael Bay seemingly legally cleared him of) and then have it turn out that in all likelihood the accident wasn’t even his fault in the first place, thus making any criticism we may have levelled at Beefy concerning the accident null and void.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

In a typically balls-out, playing-by-his-own-rules fashion, director Michael Bay decided to ignore the four hours of surgery, the apparent partial paralysis and the fact that Shia’s hand probably doesn’t look much like a hand right now. Bay told Access Hollywood:

“His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story.”

Where other directors fear to tread – where they are sure they will fail, Michael Bay will emerge triumphant. Simply by saying Grimlock mistook Shia’s hand for the metal he so loves to “munch,” or that Beefy tried to take a cassette out of a tapedeck which turned out to be the evil Soundwave, who proceeded to slam the deck shut, trapping the tiny man’s hand. Or Kup makes a cameo, forcing Bifstek to mangle his own paw in a bizarre rite of passage, seeing as he’s old and mental.

Maybe?

Seriously – hecklerspray should charge for this stuff.

There’s this great scene in the Transformers 2 script where Shia LaBeouf defeats Megatron forever by sewing a complex embroidery of a kitten in a sock.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action – complex or otherwise – for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.

We’ve had our doubts in the past, but now we’re completely certain that humanity is ruled by an almighty God figure. Just look at Shia LaBeouf, for example. Shia’s been arrested on suspicion of drunkenly flipping his truck after a night out in Hollywood; a misdemeanor charge that’ll probably see him slapped on the wrists and sent home. But God has a far scarier punishment in mind for Shia.

You see, Shia LaBeouf is currently filming Transformers 2 with world’s sexiest woman Megan Fox. So God made sure that Shia LaBeouf’s hand was ruined in the crash, thereby disabling Shia’s ability to rush off to his trailer and masturbate frantically over the mental image of Megan Fox in little tiny hotpants. For, lo, he is a vengeful God.

Anyway, the point is that Shia LaBeouf mangled his hand up horribly in his drunken car crash and, although he’s received extensive surgery to get it back to normal, the injuries have effectively handed Shia a sicknote to keep him away from the Transformers 2 set for a month. The New York Daily News reports:

His reps say he’ll that much time to heal the mangled mitt he received when his truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled across a West Hollywood intersection around 2:30 a.m. Sunday. “Shia is currently recovering from extensive hand surgery with plans to return to work on the set of Transformers 2 within one month,” a statement from LaBeouf’s publicist and lawyers said.

This is yet another setback for the production of Transformers 2. Not only has Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and surgery jeopardised the future of the movie, but it was recently reported that Megan Fox wasn’t fat enough for her role either. Also, Grimlock is refusing to come out of his trailer because he thinks that Scorponok is getting preferential treatment and, oh, it’s a nightmare. Thank heavens for John Turturro, that’s all we can say. That man is a rock.

But Shia LaBeouf’s layoff has deeper implications for Transformers 2, though, because the time off might cause him to slip out of character somewhat. It takes months of preparation to play a generic teen who hangs around giant incontinent robots who speak in a slightly offensive variation of Ebonics. Remember that.

You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when she walks anywhere.

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2′s obvious crappiness.

We’ve never been able to trust Megan Fox, and it’s probably because we’re convinced that she’s an android sent from the future to destroy humanity by getting all its male teenagers to wank themselves into oblivion.

Because Megan Fox is just a little too perfect, isn’t she. Her eyebrows look just a little too tweaked, her lips a little too pouty. She’s only capable of speaking in occasional sex-based soundbites designed explicitly to send 14-year-old boys scampering to their bedroom clutching reams of tissue paper. Her surname is Fox, for crying out loud. In short, Megan Fox is all style and no substance.

Which is probably why Michael Bay likes her so much, then. As a man who judges how good an actress is by the way the sunshine hits her cleavage when she’s been oiled up and shoved into the desert and asked to chop down cacti in slow motion to the sound of Linkin Park, Michael Bay knows that Megan Fox is the best he will ever get.

Except she isn’t, because she obviously doesn’t eat enough food. Michael Bay has ordered Megan Fox to get fatter for Transformers 2, presumably because he doesn’t want her breasts to be upstaged by Shia LaBeouf‘s big old man-titties. MTV reports:

Fox recently slimmed down for her role in the upcoming film Jennifer’s Body. The 22-year-old star told Fox News, “I’d lost a lot of weight and I got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on a size for Transformers because Michael doesn’t like skinny girls.”

Full credit to Michael Bay here – he knows what he wants, and if he’d wanted a scrawny actress with a fat mouth who can’t act, he’d have cast Mick Jagger instead.

Besides, it’s completely vital that Megan Fox has her boobs and arse back to full working order by the time Transformers 2 starts shooting because, god knows, anything that can distract our attention away from all the giant incontinent robots shouting offensive ebonics at each other will be a flipping godsend.