We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.
Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.
It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.
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Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.
Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.
So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.
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Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.
No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.
Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.
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Right lets cut to the chase, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has a crap script and the acting is, for lack of a better word, shit. Sorry Michael, but bear with us because you come off good in the end…
It’s still got those bloody parents in it, it’s rife with dodgy racial stereotyping, the irritating shitty robots who do nothing but make lame jokes, penis references and Patrick Dempsey. Trust us – the list goes on!
Frankly it’s difficult to understand why scriptwriter Ehren Kruger is even working on Transformers still, having failed so miserably with the last film. Worst still, despite getting rid of Megan Fox, director Michael Bay has seemingly opted for yet another hottie with zero acting skills in the form of Rosie Huntington-Whitley who seems to spend more time pouting and looking dead to the world than actually contributing to the bloody film. For a director with such a skill at creating visual feasts for the eyes, he sure is ignorant when it comes to the storytelling behind a film… but this is an brilliant film, right?
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Oh dear. What’s a really stupid thing for an actor to do? Well, anti-Semitic comments haven’t ever really helped anyone and slagging off incredibly influential directors is almost certainly a dumb thing to do.
And now, hilariously. Megan Fox is going to find out just what happens when you do both of the above after she compared her boss to Hitler.
It appears that Spielberg didn’t take kindly having someone mouthing off about Hitler who, y’know, oversaw the killing of quite a few Jews, probably including a number of Spielberg’s family. As such, Stevie boy saw to it that Fox lost some lucrative acting work. What with her being one of the most amazing actors we’ve ever seen, this will no doubt be a crushing blow to her CV.
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We’re going to start this off by dragging your collective minds out of the gutter… we mean the lips on her face. Anyone who thought different will be made to sit and write 1,000 lines, with an also-ostracised Editor Mof Gimmers.
Explaining why her breasts were cast to offset the bombastic and yet somehow monotonous and threadbare work of Michael Bay, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has spoken about the facial features that got her bullied in secondary school.
It’s going to be a long summer filled with less-than-special effects and poorly-implemented 3D that’s going to make you whimper for something lower tech. A few of this season’s films look especially ropey on the old effects there; The Green Lantern and Captain America among the worst. As not even boys can suffer through 120 minutes of explosions, all of these films are going to have bonus boobs. Boobs, attached to some pretty-but-interchangeable woman, who’s onscreen intermittently to remind you there is a God.
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To be a pop star these days, it isn’t as easy as releasing an album, going on tour and doing the occasional interview. Once we realise that selling out arenas around the world is just another of our shattered dreams, we leech on to someone who accomplished their dream and monitor every move they like, proudly clapping every time they do something right.
Therefore, the modern singer has even more pressure mounted on their shoulders.
Lady Gaga pretty much owns the music industry at the moment. From releasing singles that even the most anti pop music fan admits to liking, injecting life back in to music videos and ensuring that live performances are memorable occasions. One strange rumour that has always dogged Lady Gaga is her supposed possession of both male and female genitals.
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Having tasted blood following her involvement in Michael Bay’s continuing efforts to smash everything that is good into tiny bits with massive noisy CGI in recent Transformers movies, pouting automaton Megan Fox has set her sights on The Lost Boys.
Don’t get us wrong, the old Transformers toys and cartoons were a bit rubbish, but they were OURS dammit. They’ll be remaking Airwolf next. Don’t even get us started on Street Hawk. Anyone? No?
Anyway, Fox has recently been quoted by MTV News as saying she would love to appear in a remake of fondly-remembered cult film The Lost Boys, and that the “movie has stuck with me my whole life. There’s something magic about it for me”.
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