Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.
Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.
So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.
The betitted-bombshell of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, has revealed that Prince Harry is her ideal man, which makes James Hewitt her perfect father-in-law, right? Seeing as he was ‘Gentleman Jim’ on ITV’s oft-overlooked masterpiece ‘Celebrity Wrestling’, it isn’t surprising she wants in with that lot.
Wait. Prince Charles is Harry’s dad. That’s right. Sorry, we get our Royal connections very, very confused (happy now ‘spray lawyers? Honestly. You can’t joke about anything now! Wait ’til we write about your dealings with a Tunisian ‘masseur’, y’big gits).
If Prince Hazeem wants to pop his regal beagle into Huntington-Whiteley’s front-garden, he’s going to have to fight off Jason Statham who is currently knocking his uglies with the model.
Rosie says:
“I’m waiting for my proposal.I keep writing. I think he knows how obsessed I am. Well, he does now. He’s so handsome.”
Let us now arrange a fight to the death between Statham and Harry as they both bid for the heart of RHW, okay? Get it televised on a PPV and we’ll wipe the national debt with the funds raised from it. That or, of course, Harry could call on some favours from his family’s shadowy cabal and they could just bump Statham off in a Paris tunnel.
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