Once again, we’re here to bring you amazing insights into your life! Aren’t you lucky?? Well, actually no. Probably not. Were our predictions correct last week? Of course they were, we don’t just make this stuff up you know.

 This is science.

You probably thought it was all mumbo-gumbo, but when did anyone ever accuse Prof. Brian Cox or Patrick Moore of mumbo-gumbists? No, like us, they are properly scientific when they stare at the stars. And so, let our gravitational pull deflect advice your miserable, miserable way.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

The planets want you to know that life won’t always be this hard for you. You’ll have to die at some point (a tall dark stranger arrives at your funeral by accident).

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

You accidentally listen to Adele this week.  The police negotiator finally talks you off the ledge on Saturday.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Gemini have musical testes. A loved-one asks you to prove this with a mallet during a children’s party.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You’re convinced you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone and with no surprises. That man hiding in your wardrobe knows differently.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

By Thursday you’ll feel more positive about your career when your boss mysteriously disappears. You’re welcome.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Your ex and his new girlfriend share everything. Including genital warts. With Capri Sun being in the realm of The Judean Belt, you can safely say it was you who provided this little present to the happy couple.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

World of Warcraft is good isn’t it? Do you know what else is good? Physical contact with other human beings. Call our hotline for acne-removal tips: 0845 H-E-C-K-L-E-R

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

If you could change one thing, what would it be? We’d start with that lisp. And that hairy neck. And those toe-nails that look like pork scratchings. And that rubber claw.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

That Bukkake party you were invited to was a real eye opener. Don’t worry,  body fluid blindness is only temporary.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Everyone thinks you’re such a great guy. Your gran and her missing pension think otherwise. A chance encounter leads to a short stretch in prison.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

You wish you’d been braver and put up a picture of yourself on that dating site, when your Dad unknowingly messages you for some casual sex on Sunday.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

We know you’re feeling low this week – you’ve posted it 189 times on Twitter.  Funnily enough this is also the number of people who will unfollow you if you don’t shut up.

Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job?  Pfft. Unlikely.

We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your miserable lives.

Ready? Hit the jump!

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside. However, gonorrhoea is no laughing matter and on Saturday your penis falls off in the bath.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Happy New Year! This is going to be an amazing year…for someone else. You remain alone and untouched by anyone other than yourself.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

On Wednesday that bloke you adore will suddenly discover he’s in love with you. Shame you’ve been letting his dad motorboat you round the back of Tesco since August.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

This year you’ll finally get that cosmetic surgery you’ve been dreaming of.  Your ratemylabia.com photos are a winner.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

You could win the lottery this week!!! You could but you spend your last quid on a packet of Rizla and continue being a nobody.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Virgo are breathtakingly beautiful. You are the exception.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

That woman who called you an astounding idiot  last year starts working in your office.  Stirring her hot coffee with your privates in an act of twisted revenge proves her right.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

We’ve been studying your charts for days now. You’re disgusting. Don’t think we haven’t noticed. Even the planets hate you.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

The stars twinkle just for you this week. You’re awesome.  Have you been working out? Keep doing that thing wi…..In other news, your entire family has just emigrated with no forwarding address, while we were distracting you.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

As your life is already mapped out for you, we feel it only fair to advise that a small bird will defecate on you from a great height this week without you noticing. The hot woman behind you on the bus will be the one to break the news before making awful dry-heaves and sitting somewhere else.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

You’re getting married this month!! He’s a brilliant guy and you’ll never ever find out about that affair he had while you were visiting your dying grandmother.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Unless it was written by Katie Price. Then you can also burn it, instantly becoming a better human being.

It’s time for hecklerspray psychic and astrologer person Joanna Bolouri to guide you through the next week and possibly ruin it entirely. She doesn’t care. Nope. Not even a little bit.

Think the planets care either? Really? Do you think that the planets care one jot about you and your life?

Wrong again.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

OMG!!! Your boyfriend proposes!!!! To someone else. Sorry.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

A love affair will be short lived when you discover that James is married. And a woman. And technically brain dead.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

The planets are shifting. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??? No, we don’t either.  It’s probably bad news.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You’ll be thrilled to know that there is one woman in the world who loves you no matter what. It’s your mum.  The rest of the female population disagree entirely.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

Those born under the sign of Leo are incredibly intelligent.  They also keep their socks on during sex and have an unhealthy interest in rimming.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Your blow-up girlfriend finally arrives and you spend three days in bed with her. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

Out of all the star signs, you are our favourite. Not like those Leos.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

It’s your birthday this week!  Unfortunately the sheer volume of candles on your cake starts a fire and burns down your house.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Do you know what’s more exciting than being in your company?? EVERYTHING! Even death.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Your sex drive finally returns!! WOO-HOO!! You break your vagina. No-one said life was fair.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Being in love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not that you’d know.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

If we’ve read your chart correctly, this weekend will change your life forever. Well, for the weekend anyway.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Look. LOOK AT THE STARS! They’re all twinkly and that. THEY KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOU!!!

Yes they do. And they tell us things in our brains which we write down and tell you.

Just as well, as we know nothing except that Jack Daniels and coke turns you into a brilliant dancer and that  you’re all going to have a hideous week with no-one to blame but yourselves. Okay? Good. Now let’s see what your horoscopes say.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

It’s your cheating girlfriend’s birthday and you buy her a gold necklace with her name on it. We predict you and ”SLAG” won’t stay together much longer.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Halloween may be over but you discover that the stocking mask you bought will continue to frighten people in their homes for a long time. Hilarious.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

Uranus has a profound effect on you this week and that doctor in A&E still can’t quite figure out  how you managed to insert the entire broom handle sideways.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

Hitting that prostitute with your car didn’t score you any points with the Universe but you got 80o on GTA so you don’t care.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

Life will never be the same. Life is changing.  This week Haddaway tries to chat you up and you let him.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

This is going to be an amazing week. Sure, your parents die in that fire but the insurance pays out quickly and you buy some diamond boobs.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

On Friday you meet a Cancer who knocks your socks off. With their car.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

That bloke of Twitter is amazing isn’t he? He says that to all the girls.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

You sleep with your new girlfriend for the first time this week.  She tells her friends that you have a tiny penis. You find this out whilst innocently reading your horoscopes.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

The stars are aligned and quite frankly this means nothing to us. You’re going to have an average week as usual and quite frankly nothing spectacular will ever happen to you. Ever.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

You’re pregnant!! Congratulations! Take pictures of your lady parts now for posterity, things are about to get ugly.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You arrange to meet that girl off Twitter and when you finally see each other you are surprised that they make built up shoes in such a large size for women.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Hey! It’s time to peer into your future by looking at the sky for a really, really long time. That’s nice isn’t it?

Of course, because you can’t possibly conceive the notion that your life will pan out via a series of completely random events, we’ll find answers for you by pretending that we understand how the movement of planets works.

LIKE MAGIC OR SOMETHING. Just start reading them over the jump already, you gullible idiot.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

A friend is surprised to find out that you’ve never heard of ‘Lemon Party’ so they send you the link.  She’s no longer your friend and the police never find the body, according to Jupiter passing through Van Halen’s belt.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Uranus gets close to Mars this week and you immediately regret getting drunk and flirting with a short man called Bruno.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Go on X-Factor and the world laughs at you.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

It takes a certain kind of person to admit when they were wrong. This person is not you. Stubborn prick.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

You get impressively drunk at a party and give that boy you like your number. You discover the next day that you wrote it on the tear off strip from a sanitary towel. He never calls.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

According to some celestial nonsense, finding those videos of your parents on YouPorn this week won’t be the worst thing that happens to you.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Libra have nipples the size of dinner plates.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You see a beautiful woman kissing a completely average looking man.  This could be you. Feel free to replace the word ‘could’ with ‘willneverinamillionyears’

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

You realise that after 3 years of dating,  your horse will never love you as much as you love him.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Your dirty weekend away goes horribly wrong when you fart in front of your partner for the first time. During sex.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Someone has the audacity to call you unhinged.  The nerve. So you rip the wire from your bra and stab them repeatedly.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

No horoscope for you. You’re not even worthy of a prediction. Suffice to say, you’ll blunder on like you always do. The stars are ignoring you. You are worthless. Go and die already.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

People dying is a terrible thing, it’s almost as bad as when annoying songs get stuck in your head, but what’s even worse and more inconceivable than either of those things is when you have fake songs about dead people stuck in your head.

Readers of the ‘Spray, tonight we are disgraced to tell you that we find ourselves in this very situation.  Currently we are dancing round the bedsit singing “Ga-da-fi is d-ead,” to the theme of the Conga, any second now the crew from Insidious 2 will be round to start filming.

One day no new music videos will have been posted on all the pretentious sites, and NME Video, that we patrol to inform you what the beautiful people are doing and you’ll just be left utterly heart-broken and convulsing on the floor while singing the jingle from the Match.com advert, because let’s face it you go there every night like the filthy love-hound you are.  Until this day comes though we can this week offer you some of the finest dirge on the web and Rihanna, who is so non-dirge that she forgave Chris Brown—according to our sources; the Metro.

We’re going to request you watch the video for ‘We Found Love Now’; it’s the one that got all the Irish farmers up in arms.

Now can we just take five minutes please to think about the spoken word opening please? Now an argument I’m sure you’ve all had many times is about the cultural significance of All Saints and all we’re saying is ‘Never Ever’ again will you be losing this debate.  It was actually a slight disappointment that the intro didn’t morph into this slow burning classic, but you know, when lightning strikes in your bedroom what else are you going to do other than call Calvin Harris in? Exactly.

Rihanna just loves raucously rubbing herself against walls and clearly the world is all for that, but once again she’s at the forefront of controversy here at hecklerspray with this illicit piece of propaganda.  The woman condones mind altering substances, home tattooing, sex, violence, sexual violence, theft, and fruit machines, her life insurance must be a nightmare.

RiRi (kill us now) is an Irish fashionista here with her bowler-hatted above average looking bruiser of a boyfriend constantly blowing smoke in her face, it’s no wonder she wants to escape the depravity of the non-lucky Irish for a nice corn field.  We’re with you all the way girl.

It can only really go downhill from here on out, so famous people is where we’ll take it next, and the word famous here is used loosely to mean people you should have heard of if you want us to like you even a little bit.  We Are Augustines are a band on tour with a boring indie band that don’t deserve a mention, in fact We Are Augustines with their trilbys and denim shirts and clear unadulterated love for Bruce Springsteen barely deserve a mention, but then they did make a music video with Brady Corbet and we like him, he has heart.

The song is called ‘Book of James’ which recalls the King James Bible to our educated minds, but in fact we have no idea what’s happening so let’s pretend we’re right and then you all win too, yeah? Great. Brady, yes, Brady Corbet he’s the guy from the classic indie films Mysterious Skin and Funny Games, but while everyone else got careers, he got this, poor soul probably says he’s ‘friends with the band’. Here he looks exactly like the cold blooded murders from Funny Games, though slightly less sycophantic, and with added drugs and sleep deprivation, so it’s all fairly horrible when he wakes up on a train with a man resembling a droopy faced Brad Pitt singing and staring at him.

Here is the space where we would be telling you all about the new music video, sorry- short film, by Coldplay for their song, sorry- symphony, ‘Paradise’ but within the first 30 seconds or so it featured a swinging ape and after the whole Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes thing destroyed our life we decided it was time to quit.  You can watch it yourself though and let us know how disgustingly amazing it gets in four minutes.

By this point in your life you’ve probably resigned yourself to the fact that Canada has nothing to offer you apart from ice hockey, safety, and an easy joke, but you’re wrong and Canadian group Stars have been quietly proving that for nearly a decade, but their newest album is breaking these international stereotypes, erm, internationally.  If you take their newest song and video literally then ‘Dead Hearts’ is about dead children and even if it’s not the notion is so charming it doesn’t matter anymore Canada is good again!  The video isn’t spectacular, though artistically it’s a classy beast; it simply sees hearts forming out of any and every material, before brutally being wiped away or ‘dying’.  These Canadians are a cold people, but they sure do write lovely pop songs.

This week we’ve decided to ignore you mere mortals and focus all our energy on those who are more deserving. That’s right, we’re picking on those miserable celebrities this week as it’s pretty much what we live for anyway.

Read on and see if you can work out who we’re talking about.

It isn’t remotely difficult.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

During an award ceremony you tell Hollywood that it should forgive Mel Gibson for being an angry, anti-Semitic, abusive bore-bag.  Everyone claps and feels uncomfortable. Nice suit though.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

You give fashion advice to Ryan Gosling and every female under the age of dead makes this noise, “Pfft.”

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

You decide to take your family to Butlins, proving that you are indeed the King of the Chavs with a stupid name.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

This week a judge decides whether to throw you back in prison for being a thieving whiny brat and violating your probation.  You care less than we do.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

You’re spotted in LA having ‘fun’ with Bradley Cooper but then again who hasn’t been? Even we have.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Your new music video causes quite a stir, especially with hecklerspray editor Mof Gimmers. We say stir, it’s probably more of a stroking action.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

You call Pope Benedict a Nazi at a U.S. Film Festival and although people complain, no-one actually disagrees.  We fall madly in love with you all over again and drive ourselves off a cliff in celebration.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You renew your wedding vows and ask Peter Andre to sing.  Your wife willingly dances to ‘Mysterious Girl’.  No-one ever takes you seriously again.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Kelly Osbourne calls you fat because you once called her fat. This goes on until the end of time, resulting in a huge bun fight where, quite frankly everyone’s a winner.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

This week you tell everyone that you’d never do a reality show like those idiots Katie and Peter…before announcing that you’re going to be doing a reality show all about why you decided to become Lou Ferrigno.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

You attend a bash for former president Bill Clinton but without your wife.  You’re in good company however as he didn’t have sexual relations with another woman either.  Oh wait…

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

David Schwimmer asks you to sing when he renews his wedding vows.  You’re as stunned as everyone else.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

This week we’ve been drunkenly staring upwards at those star things for days on end, wishing we’d done our final year at University instead of  ditching it in favour of being Russell Grant’s apprentice and gathering information about your equally worthless lives for a cheap laugh.

Yes, it’s hecklerspray horoscopes time.

Prepare to be insulted amazed.

Aries (Mar 21-April 20)

Today you are so bored you weigh your own breasts.  Perhaps using the vegetable scales in Tesco wasn’t the best idea.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

Ladies born under the sign of Taurus are never blessed with amazing bodies or symmetrical faces but their high sex drive and giant boobs more than compensate. Now to get someone to sleep with you wonky.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

We know you made that kitten cry and we’ve posted your address on Facebook. This is going to be the worst week of your life.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You pay £25 to go and see Bruno Mars in concert.  The Universe is now plotting your demise.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

You finally convince that guy you fancy to sleep with you. Suddenly being in prison doesn’t seem so bad.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

You really wish you lived next door to a sexy vampire don’t you? Well you don’t. Grow up.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

With Halloween approaching, the fact that you look like Rocky Dennis suddenly has it’s merits.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You’re convinced your wife is cheating on you. She’s cold, seems distant and won’t answer you when you speak to her. The good news is, she isn’t! The bad news is she’s been dead for several weeks.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

You’ve got 99 problems but the inability to wank furiously over naked pictures of Scarlet Johansson ain’t one.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Work is boring this week until you spot an Aries in the vegetable isle.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

People love you! Adore you. Well, your mum does anyway. Oh wait. No. She doesn’t either.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

Twitter proves useful for the first time when you have amazing phone sex with a really hot woman and you don’t even have to call  a premium rate number.  Get you.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

It’s time for another round of hecklerspray horoscopes where resident psychic Joanna Bolouri will blatantly lie to you for her own amusement.

This week she correctly predicted that Mof Gimmers would end up stinking drunk, face down in a gutter and that Sophie Hall was the one who stole her bra off the bedsit clothes horse and stretched it with her giant lady bumps.

Let’s see what she predicts for you cretins.

Aries (March 21 – Apr 20)

A problem shared on Twitter is just one of the many reasons people keep unfollowing you.  Stop whining, no-one cares.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

You walk into the kitchen to do something really important but instead you just eat some chicken and your house explodes during the night.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)

With Venus in your house this week, you finally get laid but no-one believes you. Including us.

Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)

Your girlfriend is cheating on you. No, not you. You don’t have a girlfriend. You’re quite grim really.

Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)

The planets collide this week and everyone dies. You are the only survivor. Good luck with that.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

You’re searching for answers and desperately unhappy. Well you must be – you’re on this site.  On a brighter note, that guy you liked isn’t ignoring you, he’s dead. Every cloud…

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

OK Cupid accidentally publishes all of your personal information and STILL no-one bothers to respond.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Those born under the sign of Scorpio are known for their great sexual prowess, girth and winning personality.  Check your birth certificate, you may be Cancer.

Capricorn (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

With Jupiter doing something in the sky, you’ll be happy to know that this week brings you great romance and later, herpes.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

You fart in front of your boyfriend on Saturday and blame it on the dog.  On Thursday remember to buy a dog.

Pisces (Feb 20- Mar 20)

Remember that geeky girl you knocked back in University? She won the lottery and got married to someone better than you. Oh and she doesn’t remember you. At all.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

STARS! PLANETS! THE UNIVERSE! RAINBOWS!  Erm, CLOUDS!  Can these things really determine you future? Can they? WELL CAN THEY? DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY CAN?

THEY CAN’T.

We can though. We’re spooky. Spooky like Mystic Meg’s face appearing in Russell Grant’s undercrackers. Wooooooooooo! Let’s look at your future shall we? You’re dying to find out when you die aren’t you?

Aries (Mar 21 – April 20)

You put a fiver under your child’s pillow when they lose another tooth. This would be heart warming if your child wasn’t 28 with a raging crack habit.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

The Cosmo(s) is smiling upon you this week and by clicking this link and voting in the ‘Celebrity Blog’ category you’ll make a bunch of lonely, unattractive writers much happier, thus ensuring a place in Heaven.  Oh and your fish dies.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)

You feel hurt and betrayed by a lover on Friday. Remember, success is the best revenge. Failing that, murder comes a close second.

Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)

Take a look in the mirror and really see yourself as others see you. Not pretty is it?

Leo (July 24 – Aug 23)

Changes to your Facebook privacy settings cause great paranoia and irrational thought, so you decide to delete the internet and possibly the world.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

You finally stop smoking only to be knocked down and killed by a man called B. Hedges. In Mayfair.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

A man tells you he loves you today. Yes, he loves you. OH HOW HE LOOOOVVEESSSS YOOOUUUU. It’s Matt Cardle. Never mind.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Remember that slow and steady wins the race. Unless you’re in an actual race.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

People born under this sign are generally disgusting human beings and terrible roommates who will masturbate in your bed while you’re at work.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

You sneeze and piss your pants at the same time on a crowded bus. No one sits next to you ever again.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

You get a blinding headache and wake up with a French accent. Girls finally show interest. Result.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Your week show real promise and it could be the best one EVER!  But it isn’t. You drop you Ipod into a volcano by accident.

We know things… things told to us in a dream by the stars and the planets and by stalking you on Twitter and hacking your Facebook account.  These insights help us determine exactly what’s going to happen to you this week.

Unless you’ve changed your password again, in which case these may be entirely made up by our resident drunk and expert in things,  Joanna Bolouri

It’s time for some horoscoping.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

With the stars determining your fate, expect to be publicly humiliated when you soil yourself at the X-Factor boot camp while singing Adele. Jupiter says you’ll get a flogging for such an unoriginal song choice too. Them’s the breaks.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Billy Joel may love you ‘ just the way you are‘ but no-one else does. Start with the chin hair. No one wants to shag a Sasquatch, missy.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)

A friend tweets you a naked picture of Gavin Henson and your eyeballs fall out in disgust. Your life is ruined.

Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)

Good things happen to good people.  LOL jk, you get savagely beaten in public by a chugger.

Leo (Jul 24 –  Aug 23)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Leo have exceptionally long labia. Even the men.  Embrace this knowledge.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

You feel that someone you love is ignoring you so you burn down their house while they’re at work. Turns out they were just busy.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

That woman you fancy has just become single again. Wait until after the funeral to ask her out though.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Your friends love you for your style and sense of humour. Don’t take that as a compliment however, your friends are morons.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

That escort service was worth every penny eh?

Capricorn ( Dec 22 – Jan 20)

The time has come to move out of your parent’s house. Seriously. They asked us to tell you to get the hell out.

Aquarius ( Jan 21 – Feb 19)

You meet the man of your dreams and his beautiful wife. It isn’t remotely ironic.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Telling someone you dislike them is difficult, so just make a passively aggressive comment on Tumblr and hope they catch on.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Buckle up bitches, it’s time to find out what the week ahead holds for you. We’ve spent a whole seven nights staring at the charts and stars to see what fate has in store for your worthless self.

Will you become richer than Cowell? Will you get that job you’re waiting to hear about? Are you stupid enough to believe anything we tell you without question?

Let’s find out.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

You lose both hands in a misjudged game of ‘One Potato, Two Potato’ with Abu Hamza. The moon told us.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

You put extra strength hair removing cream on your front bottom before a big date and end up having to cancel the date due to severe burns.  Have a decent lie prepared.

Gemini (May 22- Jun 22)

Your brother still thinks it’s funny to call you a virgin in public, so you sleep with his girlfriend. In public.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

Your recent dreams offer a powerful insight into what lies in store for you this week.  Which is prison.

Leo (Jul 24- Aug 23)

Someone close to you has an agenda. They are paying attention to you. They want something from you in return for money.  It’s your boss. Go to work.

Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23)

Your girlfriend finds those Michael Bolton albums you bought last year and leaves you. Quite rightly so.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

This is going to be the most exciting week of your lif…oh wait. Sorry that’s for Capricorn. You’re going to have the most mind numblingly average week of your life.

Scorpio (Oct 24- Nov 22)

The universe is working with you this week as you win some money. It then disowns you when you use it to buy a pair of Ugg boots and an N-Dubz album.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Your girlfriend agrees to marry you. You get that promotion. ALL OF YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!  Even we didn’t see that one coming.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 20)

Orion is in the realm of succotash, which can only mean one thing – this is going to be the most exciting week of your life.  That huge growth on your face will finally be lanced, leaving only minor scarring. Only 6 more to go…

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Your hatred of soft rock will become overpowering forcing you to break the heart of a Virgo male.

Pisces (Feb 20- Mar 20)

A small shift in the Earth’s gravitational pull causes you to fall off and float in space forever. Unlucky. In better news, your bloated corpse will jam up the NASA International Space Station and you’ll take a bunch of spacemen down with you. How very celestial.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Believe in space determining your everyday activities? Do you believe that, up there in that cold dead sky, there’s magic floating around which will give you good or bad luck?

You’re in luck!

That’s because our resident star-fiddler, Joanna Bolouri has been looking at her charts, gazing blankly at the night sky and translating it all into your fortunes. That’s right. hecklerspray horoscopes are all yours. Let us see how your week is going to turn out.

Aries (Mar 21-April 20)

An unexpected family gathering leads you to believe that Uncle Eddie really wasn’t full of crap when he claimed to be having a heart attack.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

It’s never too late to tell someone you love them, unless that restraining order has already been signed by the judge.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

Everything you ever thought or believed in will be tested today when your mum tells you you’re adopted and that your new haircut is outrageously stupid.

Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)

Now is the perfect time to start that diet you’ve been talking about for the past 15 years and begin to love your body again because let’s be honest no one will ever sleep with you in that state.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

You know ‘Final Destination’, where someone has an extraordinary vision, saving the lives of their friends and loved ones? Someone ordinary just like you?  This will happen today… sadly not for you. You never make it off the plane. Sorry.

Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23)

You’ve been feeling ignored at work today haven’t you? Maybe you have a strong sense that you don’t belong?   The reason for this will become clear when security informs you that you don’t work there and that they’ve called the police. Again.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

Great news! That bloke who turned you down at the office Christmas party finds out he has syphilis today. Make sure you tell everyone.

Scorpio (Oct 24- Nov 22)

Today you feel like no one understands you and you’re destined to be alone forever.  Which is completely accurate.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

All those drugs you took at the weekend finally kick in and for the first time in your miserable life you’re teeth grindingly happy and the best dancer EVER.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 20)

Your Scorpio friends are feeling rather delicate today. Make sure you make fun of their huge, unattractive face at least once.

Aquarius (Jan 21- Feb 19)

You eye flirt with someone in a cafe for at least 15 minutes and neither of you makes a move. Pathetic.

Pisces (Feb 20- Mar 20)

You sneeze and fart at the same time and everyone in the office hears you. Don’t feel bad though, this is probably not the worst thing that will happen to you today.

It's never nice being the new kid at school, especially when you were asked to leave the old school for crying a lot and not being able to feed yourself properly.

So, that said, Britney Spears must be feeling a lot of pressure right now as she continues filming her sitcom cameo for How I Met Your Mother.

But it's OK, because Britney Spears seems to be coping well at her new job. That's partly because her How I Met Your Mother co-stars are being somewhat effusive with their praise for her, and partly because Britney Spears clearly doesn't have the self-awareness to realise that every last frame of her cameo is going to be scrutinised for signs of mental illness until it makes the Zapruder film look like a YouTube video of a kitten in a mug.

Britney Spears and her people have had a pretty good handle on her post meltdown rehabilitation so far. It's basically involved listening to her father, spooking out a few children to keep her toe in and staying out of everyone's way. It's worked well so far, especially the latter – to protect her from public inspection, Britney Spears doesn't even appear in her new music video – but it might all be about to come crashing down around everyone's ears. 

As we reportedly yesterday, Britney Spears is filming a cameo for How I Met Your Mother. As far as we could see, there wasn't a single positive we could take from the news – Britney was opening herself up to the public too soon, we said, plus she was rubbish in Will and Grace. But worst of all, by stating that she wanted 'a small part in a funny show' and then ending up on How I Met Your Mother, Britney Spears is clearly far more deranged than we could have ever known.

However, all our concerns were unfounded. Britney Spears has actually started to film her How I Met Your Mother spot and, as E! Online reports, her co-stars have all been quick to find polite ways to say that she isn't completely awful while denying that it's all a con to get people to watch the show:

[Neil Patrick] Harris—who more or less agreed with "quite impressed" costar Alyson Hannigan that Spears was doing a "good job" in her bit role as a sweet-natured receptionist at a dermatologist's office… said the only thing that concerned him about the pop star's very prominent presence was what the casting coup implied about the show's status. "It wasn't like CBS or How I Met Your Mother is trying to get ratings and said, Who can we star-cast to get attention," Harris said. "We were literally just filming last week and told, 'You're not going to believe who just called and said they wanted to be on the show.'"

It's true – although Britney appearing on How I Met Your Mother just seems like kneejerk opportunistic casting to boost rating of a show that fell into a lull about a millisecond after the start of the first episode, it absolutely isn't the case.

And it's a pure coincidence that, after Britney Spears, the next guest stars on How I Met Your Mother will include Michael Jackson, Phil Spector, the ghost of all 11 orbital Soviet space dogs and Chemical Ali. They all just happened to phone up and ask to be on the show, and who are the How I Met Your Mother producers to turn anyone down?

Well, except for Madonna. They'd turn her down if she asked. Honestly, did you see her on Will & Grace?

Read more:

Brit Concerns, Impresses Mother Stars - E! Online

It wasn't so long ago that we were banging on about Stars in our MySpace Trawl feature. Whilst we'd like to think that it inspired somebody to invest in their music, we couldn't be quite sure. No banners were on prominent display with slogans such as "Hecklerspray brought us here" and "honk if you like hecklerspray".

Still you can't have everything you want in life, but regardless of our own potential ego-boosting propaganda of this band not being recognised, the venue was still rammed to capacity. For those who had never been to the place before, it was a unique little venue. The theatre-style layout presented the perfect viewing platform from nearly every angle. Though if you wanted to be packed in close with your fellow gig-goer, the chance was still there.

After being stopped and hassled by security who had nothing better to do, we were able to enter the venue and walk straight in to support band Apostle Of Hustle's set. As they are on the same label as Stars, the style of the band wasn't that to dissimilar of who we'd came to see. This three-piece however had some unique quirky ideas of their own.

Looking they hadn't dressed for a week or so, there sound managed to combine a mix ranging from samba to indie to hints of electronica and post rock. Obviously ones not shy of mixing things up, they waltzed around the stage like they'd played there plenty of times before. The highlight of the set came when they presented a song written about former N.W.A member Easy E. This strange guitar-based ballad saw the drummer leave his sticks behind as he prepared to sit on a block of wood in the middle of the stage. Simply using his hands, he banged away as the other members played.

At roughly 9.30pm, Stars were finished setting up their various bits of equipment and graced the stage to huge whoops and cheers from the adoring audience. Now, it's always good when a band you like plays a song you really enjoy. So imagine our joy after they tuned up their instruments and kicked off the night with our favourite song Ageless Beauty from the album Set Yourself On Fire. We were quite overjoyed and fully expect to see Youtube footage appearing on the internet soon with our dog-like howls ruining the entire thing.

Whilst the band were on a tour to publicise copies of their newest album In Our Bedroom After The War they didn't forget about all of their other material and played a comfortable mix of songs from the current crop to the older and more obscure stuff. Each song went down a storm with the crowd and it was clear from the energy the crowd generated fed back to the band. They almost seemed overwhelmed with the response that they were getting and it wasn't until the final song of the evening – the title track from their newest album, that the looks of joy and happiness appeared on their faces.

Nothing could be faulted. Even the set-up on stage had its own unique little touch to it. Various lamps decorated the set and it gave the night an almost homely feel. The band were even giving things to the crowd in an almost panto style. Flowers were being thrown in to the audience throughout the night which we can only assume caused mini riots between various groups of girls as they fought for a free present.

Though true to the finale of a theatre production, every single flower should have been tossed back on to the stage to congratulate the band on an excellent performance.