We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your?miserable?lives.
Ready? Hit the jump!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside. However,?gonorrhoea?is no laughing matter and on Saturday your penis falls off in the bath.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
Happy New Year! This is going to be an amazing year…for someone else. You remain alone and untouched by anyone other than yourself.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
On Wednesday that bloke you adore will suddenly discover he’s in love with you. Shame you’ve been letting his dad motorboat you round the back of Tesco since August.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
This year you’ll finally get that cosmetic surgery you’ve been dreaming of. ?Your ratemylabia.com photos are a winner.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
You could win the lottery this week!!! You could but you spend your last quid on a packet of Rizla and continue being a nobody.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Virgo are breathtakingly beautiful. You are the exception.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
That woman who called you an astounding idiot ?last year starts working in your office. ?Stirring her hot coffee with your privates in an act of twisted revenge proves her right.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
We’ve been studying your charts for days now. You’re disgusting. Don’t think we haven’t noticed. Even the planets hate you.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
The stars twinkle just for you this week. You’re awesome. ?Have you been working out? Keep doing that thing wi…..In other news, your entire family has just emigrated with no forwarding address, while we were distracting you.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
As your life is already mapped out for you, we feel it only fair to advise that a small bird will defecate on you from a great height this week without you noticing. The hot woman behind you on the bus will be the one to break the news before making awful dry-heaves and sitting somewhere else.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
You’re getting married this month!! He’s a brilliant guy and you’ll never ever find out about that affair he had while you were visiting your dying grandmother.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Unless it was written by Katie Price. Then you can also burn it, instantly?becoming?a better human being.