Think the planets care either? Really? Do you think that the planets care one jot about you and your life?
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
OMG!!! Your boyfriend proposes!!!! To someone else. Sorry.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
A love affair will be short lived when you discover that James is married. And a woman. And technically brain dead.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
The planets are shifting. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??? No, we don’t either. It’s probably bad news.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
You’ll be thrilled to know that there is one woman in the world who loves you no matter what. It’s your mum. The rest of the female population disagree entirely.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
Those born under the sign of Leo are incredibly intelligent. They also keep their socks on during sex and have an unhealthy interest in rimming.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
Your blow-up girlfriend finally arrives and you spend three days in bed with her. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
Out of all the star signs, you are our favourite. Not like those Leos.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
It’s your birthday this week! Unfortunately the sheer volume of candles on your cake starts a fire and burns down your house.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
Do you know what’s more exciting than being in your company?? EVERYTHING! Even death.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
Your sex drive finally returns!! WOO-HOO!! You break your vagina. No-one said life was fair.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Being in love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not that you’d know.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
If we’ve read your chart correctly, this weekend will change your life forever. Well, for the weekend anyway.