Look. LOOK AT THE STARS! They’re all twinkly and that. THEY KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOU!!!
Yes they do. And they tell us things in our brains which we write down and tell you.
Just as well, as we know nothing except that Jack Daniels and coke turns you into a brilliant dancer and that ?you’re all going to have a hideous week with no-one to blame but yourselves. Okay? Good. Now let’s see what your horoscopes say.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
It’s your cheating girlfriend’s birthday and you buy her a gold necklace with her name on it. We predict you and ”SLAG” won’t stay together much longer.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
Halloween may be over but you discover that the stocking mask you bought will continue to frighten people in their homes for a long time. Hilarious.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
Uranus has a profound effect on you this week and that doctor in A&E still can’t quite figure out ?how you managed to insert the entire broom handle sideways.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
Hitting that prostitute with your car didn’t score you any points with the Universe but you got 80o on GTA so you don’t care.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
Life will never be the same. Life is changing. ?This week Haddaway tries to chat you up and you let him.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
This is going to be an amazing week. Sure, your parents die in that fire but the insurance pays out quickly and you buy some diamond boobs.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
On Friday you meet a Cancer who knocks your socks off. With their car.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
That bloke of Twitter is amazing isn’t he? He says that to all the girls.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
You sleep with your new girlfriend for the first time this week. ?She tells her friends that you have a tiny penis. You find this out whilst innocently reading your horoscopes.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
The stars are?aligned and quite frankly this means nothing to us. You’re going to have an average week as usual and quite frankly nothing spectacular will ever happen to you. Ever.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
You’re pregnant!! Congratulations! Take pictures of your lady parts now for posterity, things are about to get ugly.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
You arrange to meet that girl off Twitter and when you finally see each other you are surprised that they make built up shoes in such a large size for women.
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