It would be stupid to expect you to wander through life without a little guidance. ?Life is tricky and you can’t be expected to work everything out for yourselves. Especially you at the back there, with the tears and snot-bubbles.
So once again, our Queen of the Runes, Jo Bolouri, looks at the stars to provide you with a cheat-sheet for the next week of your life, helping you to fulfill you.
Shall we see what the stars are saying you gullible, gullible shitcarriage?
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
So you may not have a date for this evening but that doesn’t mean that no-one fancies you. Oh wait. Yes it does.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
Tonight you really push the boat out. Candles. Soft music. Rose petals on the bed. Your mother’s rotting cadaver has never looked so beautiful. Shame about the smell.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
You propose to your girlfriend and she accepts! Congratulations on making the biggest mistake of your life… so far.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
Acne is no laughing matter. The 19 men who sit opposite you at speed dating tonight seem to disagree.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
Your girlfriend thinks it would be cute to give each other pet names for?Valentine’s?Day. Calling her your little ‘Cum Clot’ wasn’t the best idea you’ve ever had.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
You’re convinced that people hate you?because?you’re?beautiful. ?Don’t be silly, they hate you because you’re a self obsessed prick. No cards for you today. Apart from the one you wrote for yourself.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
Prepare to have an amazing evening! Expensive wine, food, great conversation and hot sex. Make the most of this, dinosaurs make a surprise comeback?on Friday and devour you.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
We don’t know how to tell you this, but your boyfriend has been having an affair and he loves her more than you. Oh look, we did know how to tell you! HA!
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
The stars conspire to bring you the love you’ve always dreamed of. However the planets have the final say and they’ve decided not to bother. Isn’t astrology awesome?
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
Today you wake up on satin sheets, surrounded by beautiful flowers. On Thursday the hospital will make a public apology for wrongly pronouncing you dead.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
You get over 100 dinner?invitations?today! Putting that profile on ‘feeders.com’ was the best move you ever made.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Pisces are 17 times more likely to get dumped on?Valentine’s?Day than any other star-sign.