Hey! It’s time to peer into your future by looking at the sky for a really, really long time. That’s nice isn’t it?
Of course, because you can’t possibly conceive the notion that your life will pan out via a series of completely random events, we’ll find answers for you by pretending that we understand how the movement of planets works.
LIKE MAGIC OR SOMETHING. Just start reading them over the jump already, you gullible idiot.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
A friend is surprised to find out that you’ve never heard of ‘Lemon Party’ so they send you the link. ?She’s no longer your friend and the police never find the body, according to Jupiter passing through Van Halen’s belt.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
Uranus gets close to Mars this week and you immediately regret getting drunk and flirting with a short man called Bruno.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Go on X-Factor and the world laughs at you.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
It takes a certain kind of person to admit when they were wrong. This person is not you. Stubborn prick.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
You get impressively drunk at a party and give that boy you like your number. You discover the next day that you wrote it on the tear off strip from a sanitary towel. He never calls.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
According to some celestial nonsense, finding those videos of your parents on YouPorn this week won’t be the worst thing that happens to you.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Libra have nipples the size of dinner plates.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
You see a beautiful woman kissing a completely average looking man. ?This could be you. Feel free to replace the word ‘could’ with ‘willneverinamillionyears’
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
You realise that after 3 years of dating, ?your horse will never love you as much as you love him.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
Your dirty weekend away goes horribly wrong when you fart in front of your partner for the first time. During sex.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Someone has the audacity to call you unhinged. ?The nerve. So you rip the wire from your bra and stab them repeatedly.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
No horoscope for you. You’re not even worthy of a prediction. Suffice to say, you’ll blunder on like you always do. The stars are ignoring you. You are worthless. Go and die already.
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