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Spencer Pratt

Wait, Now Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt AREN’T Married?

by Stuart Heritage

We thought Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because of a deep sense of burning shame.

But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

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Heidi Montag’s Wedding: What Do Really Minor Celebrities Think?

by Stuart Heritage

Now that the US election is over, it’s not uncommon to find any number of pointlessly minor celebrities drifting around without purpose.

Because, now that Barack Obama is president, celebrities have got nothing left to blab their relentlessly ill-considered and completely unwanted opinions about, and that makes them sad. So thank heavens for the brand-new hot-button topic that has allowed any celebrity – no matter how utterly insignificant they be – to spout on about it like they’re bloody experts. We’re talking about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.

Now, just because you couldn’t give a monkey’s bum that Heidi Montag got married to Spencer Pratt, that’s not going to stop luminaries like Perez Hilton, two people off The Hills and that woman who used to be married to the man who was in that plane crash that one time from gibbering on like self-regardingnobsacks about it. Guess what’s after the jump. No, really. Guess.

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Heidi Montag Marries Spencer Pratt, Apparently On Purpose

by Stuart Heritage

Hey Nostradamus fans, you know that prophesy about the world ending after the union of the objectionable self-regarding nitwits?

Yeah, go ahead and check that one off. It’s happened – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills have run away to Cabo and got married, on the day that future historians will look back on and pinpoint as the greatest crash of humanity’s genetic stock market since scientists worked out that incest wasn’t very healthy.

But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt feel in the wake of their marriage. Heidi and Spencer do suit each other remarkably well, after all, and we’re sure it won’t be long before we start hearing the pattering of tiny, um… what is it that cockroaches have instead of feet? Hooves? The sound of pattering cockroach hooves? No, that doesn’t sound right.

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Spencer From The Hills Thinks Gay People Rock At Doing Hair And Makeup

by Matthew Laidlow

In the old days, MTV used to show music videos that artists made to promote their new single.

But now in our modern society, MTV has changed and only offers programming that really has nothing to do with music. Well, Tim Westwood does play records we guess.

One of the most popular shows is The Hills. A reality show where we get to compare our own grim lives to those of some trendy twentysomething spoilt tits. Known for being a bit dim, Spencer from the show has decided to open his gob and speak about Proposition 8, the big hot topic in California at the moment. Remember, we did say he’s known for being a bit dim.

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Someone We Don’t Know Is Sorry For Slagging Off An Olsen

by Stuart Heritage

Perhaps we should start watching The Hills – by the look of it it features more per capita obnoxiousness than a shedful of Lohans.

Take Spencer Pratt, for example. We have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, and the only way we’d be able to identify him in the street is because he’d be the one loudly braying about what a tosspot he thinks Mary-Kate Olsen is.

Actually he won’t. Spencer Pratt doesn’t do that any more. He used to, though – not so long ago he told a magazine that Mary-Kate Olsen was a ‘troll’ who wasn’t very cute – but not any more. Spencer Pratt has issued a sincere apology for the ‘troll’ jibe, finally putting an end to a celebrity feud that was so staggeringly pointless and short-lived that you didn’t even care if it existed or not in the first place.

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