Now that the US election is over, it’s not uncommon to find any number of pointlessly minor celebrities drifting around without purpose.
Because, now that Barack Obama is president, celebrities have got nothing left to blab their relentlessly ill-considered and completely unwanted opinions about, and that makes them sad. So thank heavens for the brand-new hot-button topic that has allowed any celebrity – no matter how utterly insignificant they be – to spout on about it like they’re bloody experts. We’re talking about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.
Now, just because you couldn’t give a monkey’s bum that Heidi Montag got married to Spencer Pratt, that’s not going to stop luminaries like Perez Hilton, two people off The Hills and that woman who used to be married to the man who was in that plane crash that one time from gibbering on like self-regarding nobsacks about it. Guess what’s after the jump. No, really. Guess.
The marriage between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills – as well as being as doomily apocalyptic-seeming as the union between the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster in Ghostbusters – has really polarised the public opinion. People seem to either not care about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding or really not care about it. And that’s absolutely the correct human reaction.
But as we all know, celebrities aren’t human. Celebrities are little golden gifts from God, placed on this Earth purely to lift our weary spirits and make life worth living. All of them. Even the really shit ones like Perez Hilton, two people who we’re told star in The Hills and the ex-wife of the man who used to be the drummer in Blink 182.
And because none of the people we just mentioned are even remotely human, they’ve all got opinions of the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding. And they really, really want you to hear them. Let’s start with Perez Hilton, because then at least it’s over with.
Perez Hilton has called Spencer Pratt an ‘evil genius’ for orchestrating the entire wedding with Heidi Montag for the sake of publicity, making the shock announcement that people who pose for magazine covershoots sometimes get paid for it. Perez then made a few other points in his videoblog entry, but it was four minutes long so we didn’t listen to it because we thought our brain might dissolve if we did.
Next up: two of Heidi and Spencer’s co-stars on The Hills – Naked Girl and Girl We’ve Never Heard Of. Naked Girl told People:
“I am surprised and not surprised at the same time. I do think it’s very romantic that they eloped.”
While Girl We’ve Never Heard Of, or Whitney Port as she’s sometimes incorrectly called, told Extra:
“I just heard it like everyone else yesterday. Congratulations to them. I think it’s great if that’s what they’re ready to do. Good for them.”
So that’s two of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s co-stars and a man who’s somewhat professionally obligated to screech about rubbish like this dealt with. What about someone doesn’t seem to be connected to either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt in any way whatsoever? You! Yes, you! Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of ex-Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker! What do you have to say about all of this?
“No matter what happens, cameras rolling or not, never stop communicating and don’t allow third parties into your marriage.”
So now we know. Join us tomorrow for Kerry Katona‘s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then next week when Geoffrey from Rainbow reacts to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then the week after that when someone who was on The Bill in 1993 reacts to Geoffrey from Rainbow‘s reaction to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.
And then the week after that, when we kill ourselves.
Shooty* says
I believe the word to sum up what we ALL feel, in relation to these two, is “meh”.
In 20 foot, flaming capital letters.