Holy Oedipus complex Batman! Look who is claiming not to be having sexy thoughts about their own mother, despite talking about little else for the whole of this month.

Let’s be clear, sexy thoughts about one’s rellies is about as natural as Coke Zero. Or the cheese in a Big Mac, if you will.

So why oh why this Shia LaBeouf bloke took to telling the world about the unsettling things going on in his brain is any one’s guess.

Shia the Beef, of Transformers fame, is reneging on a whole month’s worth of interviews, in which he claims that he spent lonely nights thinking sexy thoughts about his mother. After this month of nightmarish talks with an array of nondescript magazines and Playboy (inexplicably), the 23-year-old says that he was only joking about wanting to get his rocks off with mummy Beef.

He was up until recently one of the least offensive celebrities on the scene. He was an admitted alcoholic with what looked like a personal grooming problem, sure. But don’t tell me that on the Parasite Hilton scale of annoying, he was anything like as much of a pain in the bum as some of his peers.

The general consensus, after being battered to death over the head with quotes about said subject, was that Shia and mummy Beef were quite possibly doing the nasty and that Shia was becoming a leeetle bit hard to take.

This nonsense would not even have been an issue if Shia had just gone to see a damn therapist and gone over his peculiar and disturbing childhood, rather than grabbing any interviewer with a pen and asking them to recount his tales to the masses.

Mate, we know that talking to an interviewer is cheaper than shelling out on therapy, but it would be money well spent. We can even pony up some loose change for you, if you promise to get some bloody help.

The actor recently caused controversy after telling Playboy his mother is the “sexiest woman” he knows. “Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,” he said. But Shia insists his comments were tongue-in-cheek — and he was just trying to make his dear old mom smile. “I’m not having sex with my mother. It’s ridiculous,” he tells US TV show Extra. “I don’t have any problems appearing crazy to make my mother smile, but she is the most beautiful woman on this planet and I love her. She’s fly as hell. I stand by that. My mom’s awesome.”

This was a guest blog by the magnificent Amy Grindhouse. You really must read her blog. It is exceptional.

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9 - Best infomercial ever. Nobody knows what it’s for, but the product is called I Hope You Die Soon. Ace! – Bestweekever

8 - SHEEP IN A CIRCLE! – Geekologie

7 - That bloke off that thing splits up with woman – Amygrindhouse

6 – Expensive T-shirt grr - Shoutingatcows

5 - Father’s day is coming up. Why not buy him a GG Allin bobblehead? – Mychemicaltoilet

4 - We’re including this list of celebrity yearbook photos purely as a demonstration of Shia LaBeouf’s eternal spazziness - PopEater

3 - Buy some bunting. Buy it. It’s bunting, for crying out loud. Who doesn’t like bunting? BUNTING – Domesticsluttery

2 – This week’s reminder: Peter Andre still exists – Popsugar

1 – Fact: laugh at this and you’re a monster…

Maybe we meant ‘loudest’. Or ‘most pointless’. Or something. Look, anyway, none of this matters because there’s a brand-new teaser trailer for Transformers 2 after the jump, and we’re about to show it to you – while giving you the full lowdown on it – after the jump.

Alternatively, if you’ve seen the first Transformers movie, you might not want to bother watching the Transformers 2 trailer. It’s exactly the same. Exactly. Seriously, we’re not joking. Avoid the Transformers 2 trailer like the plague. You’re not listening, are you?

If you like endless scenes of abstract robot-on robot violence that have such little bearing on the real world that you’ll probably fall asleep through during them even though they’re all loud enough to cause structural damage to the foundations of the cinema you’re watching them in AND you don’t think you got enough of that in the original Transformers movie, then we have two pieces of advice for you:

1 – You’re either 14 years old or a medically-diagnosable idiot.

2 - Hold onto your hat, because there’s a new Transformers 2 trailer online!

Now, even though we’ve been keeping an eye on the Transformers 2 news lately – so we know that it’ll feature a morbidly obese Megan Fox and a severely Beadled Shia LaBeouf – details about the movie’s plot have been kept quiet. This, we guessed, was either because Transformers 2 will be so utterly groundbreaking that even hinting about it will give people nosebleeds, or because it’s going to be identical to the first Transformers in every possible way.

But now our questions have been answered with the new Transformers 2 trailer. Here it is. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT, it’s not the first one…

Initial destruction of something military-looking? Check. Megan Fox doing little else but cry and scream? Check. That handsome yet boring actor who isn’t Shia LaBeouf being completely superfluous to the plot? Check. Giant fighting robots punching in other in such extraordinary close-up that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on? Check.

Said robots urinating everywhere and talking like a bad end-of-the-pier comedian doing a borderline impersonation of a black person? Che… wait a minute! NOT CHECK! That doesn’t happen ONCE in the Transformers 2 trailer! We take it all back – Transformers 2 is going to be completely fresh, new and exciting in every single way!

We’re… we’re actually looking forward to Transformers 2 now. It might not actually be as terrible as we expected. We don’t know what to do now. We were banking on Transformers 2 being the most awful, pointlessly-realised sequel of the year. What are we going to tip scorn over now?

Terminator: Salvation, you say? Right you are.

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Because, really, Transformers was pants. But, anyway, now Shia LaBeouf really does have to keep away from cars – he’s had his driving licence suspended for a year following that crash of his last summer.

But just because Shia LaBeouf faces a year without driving a car, it’s no great loss – he’s just as skilled at riding motorcycles and swinging around on monkey vines and being carried by big ants and however else he travelled around in that bloody awful Indiana Jones film.

Despite being named after the noise that the Back To The Future car made when its doors were opened and closed again, cars in general have given Shia LaBeouf nothing but misery in his life – and not just because he’s spent a great portion of his adult life running away from imaginary cars that turn into robots, talk like embarrassing white rappers and urinate on authority figures, although that is a big part of it.

No, the bulk of Shia LaBeouf’s automotive grief came last year when he flipped his pickup truck in the middle of the street. You may remember that Shia LaBeouf was not only arrested on suspicion of DUI following the crash, but he also crushed two of his fingers in the wreckage, dooming him to a life of only being able to pick his nose with an unfolded coat hanger and a toddler’s plastic bib or something. We’re not doctors.

However, Shia LaBeouf was never actually charged with DUI because it turns out that the crash wasn’t his fault. And that’s the end of the story. Or at least it would be if Shia LaBeouf hadn’t been an arsehole to the policemen at the scene of the crash and refused to take a breathalyzer test, because now he’s had his driving licence yoinked away for a year. E! Online reports:

“It was suspended for refusing a chemical test,” the official said, noting that even though LaBeouf was cleared of any DUI charges after it was determined that the other driver caused his smashup, the suspension was “automatic.” California law states that a person’s license can be suspended for up to one year if he/she refuses to take a blood, breath or urine test for a suspected DUI.

You see, Shia LaBeouf? For too long you’ve traded on nothing but your adorable face and your big puppy eyes to get you out of trouble. But you’re getting old now, and that crap won’t wash any more. Just look at when you tried to cute your way of trouble with that 1950s mindreading Soviet lady in the last Indiana Jones film. Boy oh boy Shia LaBeouf, if it wasn’t for your abnormally good skill on the monkey vines, you’d be toast right now! Sheesh!

No doubt Shia LaBeouf will claim that the DMV is being heavy-handed for removing his driving licence for a year because of his involvement in a crash that wasn’t even his fault. But we’d disagree. Chances are that the DMV heard those rumours about Shia LaBeouf being cast as Robin in Batman 3 and figured he’d be less likely to get the part if he wasn’t allowed near the Batmobile. And for that we’ll forever be in the DMV’s debt.

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The bad news is that Batman 3 director Christopher Nolan appears to have banged his head quite hard on a doorframe and is badly concussed. We’ve deduced this thanks to reports that Nolan has signed Eddie Murphy to play The Riddler in Batman 3. Eddie bloody Murphy.

But it’s not all bad, because it’s not as if he’s also signed Shia LaBeouf to play Robin in Batman 3 as well, is it? It is? Christopher Nolan, you great big sod, what have you done?

Casting Batman 3 was always going to pose a problem for Christopher Nolan. The Dark Knight was such a massive success that the logical thing to do would be to bring back the same villains for the sequel. The problem with that plan, though, is that one of the baddies died onscreen and the other one died in real life.

So all Christopher Nolan had to start Batman 3 with was Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and a man with a stupid voice being chased by some dogs like a great big morally-ambiguous sausage. And that’s how the great Batman 3 casting rumours started. Several names were all thrown into the pot, but none of them stuck. Here’s why:

Angelina Jolie as Catwoman – Would have contractually requested a sequence where Batman goes to Darfur and weeps for 30 minutes.

Johnny Depp as The Riddler – Will Batman 3 be a) directed by Tim Burton or b) an impenetrable kid’s film? No? Well there’s your answer.

Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin – Philip Seymour Hoffman in a popular film? Whatever next?

Cher as Catwoman – Not even Christopher Nolan wants audiences to leave the cinema covered in vomit and eye-blood because they’ve seen Cher’s latex-covered vulva in close-up on an Imax screen.

Actually, the real reason none of the above were cast for Batman 3 is simple – it’s because Christopher Nolan had a secret wishlist that was far, far shittier. How shit? Shia LaBeouf shit. Eddie Murphy shit. The Sun reports:

Funnyman Eddie Murphy will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal. The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director Christopher Nolan. Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, 22, to play Robin. Meanwhile, Brit Rachel Weisz is said to be up for the Catwoman role.

Now, OK, we can see Rachel Weisz as Catwoman in Batman 3, because she’s very clearly lovely. But didn’t Christian Bale say that he’d be ‘chaining himself up and refusing to work‘ if Robin appeared in the sequel to The Dark Knight? And Eddie Murphy? Eddie Murphy? Eddie titting Murphy?

Obviously The Sun’s report should be taken with a pinch of salt at the moment, partly because nothing has been officially confirmed and partly because Eddie Murphy was referred to with the prefix ‘funnyman’ as opposed to the technically more accurate ‘woefully unfunny dickmunch’. But still, what if the rumours are true?

If Eddie Murphy really is going to be The Riddler in Batman 3, then we’ve whittled down the movie’s storyline to three possible options:

1 – Batman 3 won’t just feature The Riddler played by Eddie Murphy, but also The Riddler’s mother, father, obese girlfriend and racist stereotypical Chinaman neighbour, all also played by Eddie Murphy.

2 - Batman 3 will be about Batman chasing The Riddler to take a DNA test because he knocked up a Spice Girl and denied the baby was his. The movie ends with Batman catching The Riddler in a honeytrap sting involve a transvestite prostitute.

3 - In Batman 3 everyone sits around puzzled by the fact that they’ve actually become slightly nostalgic for Jim Carrey, something none of them thought they would ever do.

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Now, true, that might not seem like a big deal, given that Eagle Eye’s big US weekend box office competition came in the form of two of the worst movies ever made, but don’t let that fool you – Eagle Eye’s pretty terrible too, you know.

How terrible? Terrible in that it’s about Shia LaBeouf running around following orders barked at him by an unseen force. That’s right – Eagle Eye is basically the first half of the first season of 24, except that Shia LaBeouf doesn’t even get to shoot any foreigners in the face, and he doesn’t have a trouble-prone booby teenage daughter. That’s how rubbish Eagle Eye is.

Eagle Eye is the top movie at the weekend box office, and it’s not hard to see why – it’s all down to Shia LaBeouf and his big bloody adorable chubby little ubbadubba cheeks and his dreamy hair.

Shia LaBeouf is just weekend box office gold, and his name along can guarantee a movie’s success. Just like a sloppy Rear Window rip-off like Disturbia or a gormless near-abstract clod of summertime action crap like Transformers. You know what Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull would be without Shia LaBeouf? It’d be an overlong film about an old bloke getting chucked about in a fridge. At least with Shia it was an overlong film about an old bloke getting chucked about in a fridge co-starring a puppy-faced cherub. Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Eagle Eye (Thank God that car crash didn’t kill Shia LaBeouf. If it had, his final message to the world would have been Eagle Eye. That’s roughly like if Heath Ledger had died right after making The Patriot, and that hardly bears thinking about, does it?) $29,200,000

2 - Nights in Rodanthe (Remember when we mentioned the two worst movies ever made a second ago? This is one of them. God knows what it’s about, but the trailer features some horses frolicking on a beach as a representation of free-wheeling spirit of love. Did you read that last sentence without stabbing yourself in the thigh with a letter opener? You’re made of stronger stuff than us, then) $13,570,000

3 - Lakeview Terrace (So apparently a bad neighbour now means Samuel L Jackson trying to kill you in a vaguely racially-motivated way. That’s nothing – ours has left a mattress on their front lawn for the last fortnight. Which is easily, unquestionable, worse) $7,000,000

4 - Fireproof (The second of our worst films ever? Why? Here’s how it describes itself: “At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter’s adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules. After seven years of marriage, Caleb and Catherine Holt have drifted so far apart that Catherine wishes she had never married. As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb’s father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment he calls…” Great, thanks Fireproof, now we’ve got two knackered thighs. You wanker) $6,514,000

5 - Burn After Reading (After No Country For Old Men and now Burn After Reading, the heat is on to find a haircut shitty enough to complete the Coen Brothers‘ Bad Hair Trilogy. Fingers crossed for a bloody Fontage, we say) $6,169,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo

Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

Although he was recently arrested for flipping his truck over while possibly drunk, it’s important to remember that Shia LaBeouf is still only three years old.

And, as such, he’s very easily led. For example, right before the crash, Shia LaBeouf had been working on Transformers 2. When you take that into consideration, it’s no wonder he smashed his vehicle to pieces in the middle of the night – he probably though it was about to turn into a Decepticon and eat him for its dinner.

At least that’s what we’re assuming the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has decided, anyway, because it has chosen not to press DUI charges against Shia LaBeouf. The official reason? Insufficient evidence. The unofficial reason that we all know is true anyway? Because Shia LaBeouf is so cute and adorable that you just want to pick him up, wrap him in a hankie, put him in your pocket, take him home and keep him in a matchbox stuffed with cotton wool.

But Shia LaBeouf shouldn’t celebrate this news too soon. Partly because his definition of ‘celebrating’ seems like it might involve getting shitfaced and losing control of his car, but mainly because he still might lose his licence anyway. E! Online reports:

“When a person refuses to have a blood alcohol test it is an automatic suspension under the Department of Motor Vehicle regulations,” L.A. Sheriff’s Department spokesman Officer Steve Whitmore told E! News. “That is why the hearing is tomorrow is because he refused to have a blood alcohol test. It’s an automatic suspension.”

It’s unfortunate that Shia LaBeouf might lose his driving licence. We’re not saying that he doesn’t deserve to be punished for refusing a blood alcohol test, we’re just saying his gnarled stump of an injured hand is probably enough punishment. Because, face it, from now on every time Shia LaBeouf looks at that flappy lump of pointlessness hanging from his wrist like a latex bag stuffed with chicken carcasses, he’ll be forced to remember that fateful night and the events that led to it.

Oh, OK, we’ll admit it. We’re just bitter because Shia LaBeouf’s injuries mean he’ll never be able to run his fingers through our hair while feeding us strawberries under a parasol on a rowing boat in the springtime any more. We don’t think we’ll ever smile again.

That’s why most of the films released these days are either remakes, adaptations, sequels or big honking primary-coloured idiot trumpets starring Adam Sandler called Duh: My Is Yes LOL. But at least we can all say that the Shia LaBeouf movie Disturbia is completely original and pioneering and one of a kind. Even though it’s sort of identical to Rear Window.

That’s something the estate of the man who owns the rights to Rear Window seem to have just figured out, because they’re suing Disturbia producer Steven Spielberg over all the similarities to their story. But it’s obvious that Disturbia and Rear Window are completely different movies – Rear Window didn’t want to make us punch ourselves unconscious, for example.

The movie industry thrives on remakes. That’s why the box office chart this weeks features a remake of Bangkok Dangerous, a remake of Death Race 2000, a remake of the musical Mamma Mia, a remake of Journey To The Centre Of The Earth, a remake of Brideshead Revisited and Meet Dave, a remake of every single bad film Eddie Murphy’s ever been in.

Usually nobody has a problem with Hollywood’s self-cannibalisation – everyone makes money, so everyone’s happy – but when films start allegedly remaking other films without acknowledging the remake, that’s where the trouble starts.

And that’s what has happened between the owners of the Rear Window rights and Disturbia, a film that – even to our sludgy brains – couldn’t really hide its resemblance to Rear Window. And that’s why Disturbia’s producer Steven Spielberg has just been sued by the estate of the man who owns the Rear Window rights, as E! Online reports:

With a $20 million budget, Disturbia was considered a modest hit last year, taking in $80.2 million at the U.S. box office. None of which was shared with the estate of the late Sheldon Abend, who bought the rights to Cornell Woolrich’s 1942 story It Had to Be Murder after the author died in 1968, according to the lawsuit.

It’s an interesting case, because both Shia LaBeouf and director DJ Caruso both cited Rear Window during the promotion of Disturbia, although both pointed out that they were both their own films. Which is sort of true, in a way. Here’s our comparison:

REAR WINDOW

* About a man trapped in his house due to injury.

* While trapped, the man spies on his neighbours, including a pretty girl.

* He sees a murder through some binoculars.

* He sends his girlfriend out to help catch the murderer.

* It starred Jimmy Stewart and is one of the most famous films ever made.

DISTURBIA

* About a man trapped in his house due to house arrest

* While trapped, the man spies on his neighbours, including a pretty girl.

* He sees some murders through some binoculars.

* He sends his girlfriend out to help catch the murderer.

* It starred Shia LaBeouf and was so bad it made us want to cry and commit hate crimes against animals.

Does that warrant a lawsuit? It’s not for us to say. However, Shia LaBeouf is probably praying that the Rear Window people win their case, because if they do it’ll open up all his other movies to the same sort of action.

For instance, you could say that – judging by the trailer – his new movie Eagle Eye seems fairly similar to the first season of 24, or that Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull plagiarised the first three Indiana Jones movies.

And, what’s more, our lawyers are already putting together a watertight case around the fact that Transformers is a direct shot-for-shot rip-off of a noisy, brightly-coloured, totally formless nightmare we had after eating four kilos of Haribo when we were seven. See you in court, Shia.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ’sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

In news sure to bring a smile to The Beef’s little face, it turns out that his recent car accident will not result in the amputation of his little finger, as has been reported all over the world of the superstars these last couple of days. While the rumours were rampant that Shia himself had told producers on Transformers 2 that he would have to have his Beef pinky removed, these have been greeted by his rep as being ‘fabricated’ and ‘totally untrue’.

Which is good for him.

What’s good for everyone else in the world, though, is the news that George Lucas has seemingly gone back on his original statement that Shiny McBeef would be the new Indiana Jones. For the first time in what would appear to be an absolute age, Lucas seems to have made ‘the right decision’.

Obviously he followed it up with another bad decision immediately thereafter, but you have to really learn to love those small victories.

Shia must have been happy to know he doesn’t need an amputation, and hecklerspray was certainly happy to discover that the young one of the red-meaty name wouldn’t be taking over as the lead in a new Indiana Jones cash-in/adventure (delete as appropriate). Speaking to MTV, Lucas let loose this pearl:

“Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be Mutt Williams And The Search For Elvis or something.”

It’s nice to know George Lucas is a reader of hecklerspray. He must be, coming up with movie titles like that.

But then we realised this meant one thing and one thing only. While Shia LaBeouf won’t be taking the fedora from Indy just yet, it will be staying in the hands of Harrison Ford.

Who is fast approaching 70.

While his turn as the archaeological commie buster in Indy 4 wasn’t the best of outings, it was still verging on believable. In fact, the only truly awful part of the film came from The Beef and his Tarzan impression.

Seriously – why was that considered a good idea?

Anyway – the thought of a 70-year-old kicking arse and making wisecracks is probably pushing things that little bit too far away from hecklerspray’s ability to suspend disbelief, but this doesn’t matter to George Lucas. Speaking about the storyline/artifact possibilities for Indiana Jones 5: Indy Goes to Mecca Bingo, the man who just can’t leave things alone said:

“We are looking for something for him to go after. They are very hard to find. It’s like archeology. It takes a huge amount of research to come up with something that will fit.”

Yes, they’re trying to think of something believable for a 70-year-old adventuring archaeologist to get involved in. Museum curation? Archivist at the local Land Registry? That drunk old bloke down the pub who you will listen to but don’t believe a word of what he says?

The possibilities are endless.

No – Morgan Freeman is the latest to be involved in the so-called ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, after he was involved in a car accident on Sunday night, which officials referred to as ’serious’.

The 71-year-old actor will require surgery on a shattered elbow, as well as time for other less serious injuries to his neck and shoulder to heal. While initial reports said Freeman was in a serious state, these have since rescinded and he is expected to make a comfortable, if slow, recovery from his injuries.

Morgan was travelling with an unnamed female companion when the crash occurred. Travelling eastbound on Highway 32, Tallahatchie Country, Mississippi, their car flipped several times before coming to rest. The name of the female passenger has not been released, but she is said to have suffered bruises as a result of the crash. The jaws of life were used to good effect and Freeman was airlifted around 90 miles for hospital treatment. He was upgraded from critical to serious condition, and more recent reports have left the actor with an even more positive prognosis.

Fortunately, both drugs and alcohol have been ruled out of the running for what caused the accident, meaning we don’t have to put up with another was-he wasn’t-he situation like young Shiny the Beef has had to contend with in recent weeks. Nor do we have to put up with possible insanity, like we did all those years back with Melvin. Obviously the wily old veteran that is Morgan Freeman would never be brash enough to take part in such an obviously stupid pursuit as driving under the influence.

Those young whippersnappers could learn a thing or three from God Himself.

But it would seem that the lord almighty can’t save himself from the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, which wild speculators (hello!) are claiming is the cause of Heath Ledger’s death and Christian Bale’s descent into alleged assault.

Now, let’s be honest here – Ledger’s death was a sad thing, unexpected and unwarranted. Bale’s case may have been his own fault, he may have been coaxed into it. Freeman’s crash is believed to have been as a result of falling asleep at the wheel, swerving and overcompensating. If this is a real curse then it’s a bit rubbish – none of your plagues on the family, eight arms on the first-born or evil gremlins turning up and wrecking your place up.

No, it’s an accidental overdose, some alleged shenanigans and an old man falling asleep at the wheel. These curse-makers really should go back to the drawing board and think up some new cursey goodness – or just stick with the classics. Doesn’t the bible have some good ones? Morgan Freeman should know about that, he is God after all.

Hecklerspray is sending you more get well beams through the internets, Morgan. Also some extra beams to help make sure the rubbish ‘curse’ doesn’t strike again. We have these kind of powers, you see.

It’s something that maybe, possibly just should have been taught to everyone’s favourite beef machine, Shia LaBeouf, before he was involved in a smashed-up cartastrophe a week ago.

Unfortunately it seems that noone did teach Beefy this one life lesson, and the manchild has ended up with something of a mashed up hand. Halfway through filming Transformers 2. You broke the golden rule, Shia. Silly boy.

Fear not though, as director extraordinairre and all-round BOOM! BLAMMO! KABLAM! personality Michael Bay may well have a solution to the age-old problem of children crashing their cars halfway through filming huge-budget blockbusters: give him a CGI hand four times bigger than his head that transforms into a public toilet – of death.

What do you mean that’s not what he said? Ohhhh – he said he’d probably just write it into the script somehow. Makes more sense, we suppose.

Yes – while some actors have the good grace to go the whole hog and actually die towards the end of filming, so all that is needed is a stunt double and a few special effects (thanks, Brandon Lee in The Crow!), Shia LaBeouf had to go and hurt himself quite badly, but be alright enough to carry on with filming.

See, that’s just the selfish behaviour of a child, meaning that once again the adults have to come in and clean up the mess by writing in a scene when Optimus Prime stands on your hand or something.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

Not content with saying a naughty word and making everyone in the world overreact at him, he had to go and have himself a fairly serious accident, be accused of drink driving (which Michael Bay seemingly legally cleared him of) and then have it turn out that in all likelihood the accident wasn’t even his fault in the first place, thus making any criticism we may have levelled at Beefy concerning the accident null and void.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

In a typically balls-out, playing-by-his-own-rules fashion, director Michael Bay decided to ignore the four hours of surgery, the apparent partial paralysis and the fact that Shia’s hand probably doesn’t look much like a hand right now. Bay told Access Hollywood:

“His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story.”

Where other directors fear to tread – where they are sure they will fail, Michael Bay will emerge triumphant. Simply by saying Grimlock mistook Shia’s hand for the metal he so loves to “munch,” or that Beefy tried to take a cassette out of a tapedeck which turned out to be the evil Soundwave, who proceeded to slam the deck shut, trapping the tiny man’s hand. Or Kup makes a cameo, forcing Bifstek to mangle his own paw in a bizarre rite of passage, seeing as he’s old and mental.

Maybe?

Seriously – hecklerspray should charge for this stuff.

Or did he? Detectives working on the case have revealed that Shia only crashed because the car he ploughed into had just run a red light. That means, according to the detectives, that Shia LaBeouf was not at fault for the crash at all. So what happened?

Well, using our powerful skills of deduction we’ve worked out that, although he isn’t at fault, Shia LaBeouf still may or may not have been drunk  while he was driving the car before the crash. However, we can determine for certain that a) Shia LaBeouf is the kid from Transformers and b) Wooo.

If there’s one thing the world likes more than seeing a rising star fall, it’s seeing a rising star get smashed on booze and flip his pickup truck over, especially when it’s a rising star with as much creepy self-confidence as Shia LaBeouf.

Which is why the world had a little spring in its step on Monday after it realised that Shia LaBeouf had done exactly that. According to reports, Shia LaBeouf was driving through West Hollywood in the early hours of Sunday when he performed what’s known in the business as ‘a Haley Joel Osment‘ and flipped his car over in the middle of the street because he was drunk.

Thanks to the crash, and the badly-timed publication of an interview where Shia LaBeouf describes why he can’t drink in moderation, Shia LaBeouf has gone from being the new Tom Hanks to the new Lindsay Lohan in the blink of an eye, albeit a Lindsay Lohan with a severely Beadled-up hand.

But maybe everything wasn’t as it seemed. Although eyewitnesses saw Shia LaBeouf downing shots of whiskey on Santa Monica Boulevard right before the crash, and the arresting officers say that Shia was displaying outward signs of intoxication, it turns out that the crash wasn’t Shia LaBeouf’s fault at all. Reuters reports:

“LaBoeuf has been determined at this stage not to have caused the accident,” said Steve Whitmore, a spokesman for the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. Whitmore said the other driver failed to stop for a red light and slammed into the truck LaBeouf was driving.

So hooray! Shia LaBeouf is a responsible driver after all! Our adorable puppy-faced hero is still our adorable puppy-faced hero! Apart from the whole thing about him being shitfaced on booze! Which we’re not too sure that we understand actually!

In fact, nobody even knows if Shia LaBeouf was drunk or not any more. That’s for the toxicology tests to determine. But when those toxicology tests do come back, we’ll be able to close this case once and for all and go back to writing about more important stuff, like Keira Knightley’s tits or whatever.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action – complex or otherwise – for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.

We’ve had our doubts in the past, but now we’re completely certain that humanity is ruled by an almighty God figure. Just look at Shia LaBeouf, for example. Shia’s been arrested on suspicion of drunkenly flipping his truck after a night out in Hollywood; a misdemeanor charge that’ll probably see him slapped on the wrists and sent home. But God has a far scarier punishment in mind for Shia.

You see, Shia LaBeouf is currently filming Transformers 2 with world’s sexiest woman Megan Fox. So God made sure that Shia LaBeouf’s hand was ruined in the crash, thereby disabling Shia’s ability to rush off to his trailer and masturbate frantically over the mental image of Megan Fox in little tiny hotpants. For, lo, he is a vengeful God.

Anyway, the point is that Shia LaBeouf mangled his hand up horribly in his drunken car crash and, although he’s received extensive surgery to get it back to normal, the injuries have effectively handed Shia a sicknote to keep him away from the Transformers 2 set for a month. The New York Daily News reports:

His reps say he’ll that much time to heal the mangled mitt he received when his truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled across a West Hollywood intersection around 2:30 a.m. Sunday. “Shia is currently recovering from extensive hand surgery with plans to return to work on the set of Transformers 2 within one month,” a statement from LaBeouf’s publicist and lawyers said.

This is yet another setback for the production of Transformers 2. Not only has Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and surgery jeopardised the future of the movie, but it was recently reported that Megan Fox wasn’t fat enough for her role either. Also, Grimlock is refusing to come out of his trailer because he thinks that Scorponok is getting preferential treatment and, oh, it’s a nightmare. Thank heavens for John Turturro, that’s all we can say. That man is a rock.

But Shia LaBeouf’s layoff has deeper implications for Transformers 2, though, because the time off might cause him to slip out of character somewhat. It takes months of preparation to play a generic teen who hangs around giant incontinent robots who speak in a slightly offensive variation of Ebonics. Remember that.

Honestly, look at Shia LaBeouf’s adorable little puppydog face – it’s as if a single drop of alcohol has never passed his lips. But apparently it has – early yesterday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he crashed his car in Hollywood.

Really though? Shia LaBeouf? DUI? There must be another explanation. Perhaps Shia was impaired on something other than alcohol, like Haribo or Um Bongo. And perhaps he only crashed his car because his adorable little legs couldn’t stretch all the way down to the pedals, the wubby little lamby wamb.

Admit it, when you look at Shia LaBeouf you just want to grab him by the cheeks, muss up his hair and give him a shiny sixpence to buy some bon bons with. This is because Shia LaBeouf couldn’t be any more adorable if he was made from kitten whiskers and angel breath.

Or is he? Because lately Shia LaBeouf has found himself getting into more and more trouble. Real trouble too, not the sort of imaginary 1950s schoolboy trouble that we keep assuming Shia gets into, like being clipped round the ear by a bobby for carrying a peashooter or being chased from the farm by Old Man McGee for scrumping apples from his orchard.

Instead Shia LaBeouf has committed the heinous crimes of using homophobic slurs on YouTube and smoking cigarettes and sort of standing around in a pharmacy when he wasn’t supposed to.

With a track record like that it’s only a matter of time before Shia LaBeouf does something really stupid, like get drunk and drive his car around until he cras… what? He’s already done that? On Sunday morning? Oh Shia, you adorably illegal scamp. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving early Sunday in Hollywood after he and two other people were hurt in a crash. Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies said LaBeouf made a left turn and collided with an oncoming car about 2:30 a.m. at the intersection of La Brea and Fountain avenues. The actor’s Ford F-150 pickup truck rolled over in the crash.

Well, it’s certainly fortunate that nobody was seriously hur… what? Shia LaBeouf drives a pickup truck? A pickup truck? What for, to store all the logs that he chops down during a hard day’s acting? To transport all the manual labour equipment he needs to pretend to be Indiana Jones‘ little boy? Shia LaBeouf can’t even grow a beard properly, for crying out loud! What’s he doing bombing round in a titting pickup truck?

Anyway, back to our original point. It’s fortunate that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. If he’s charged with DUI, perhaps this incident will serve as a wake-up call for Shia to reign in his youthful excesses before he causes some serious damage.

But why did Shia LaBeouf drink-drive in the first place? He doesn’t seem as much of an irresponsible douchetard as Lindsay Lohan, and surely he can’t be filled with as much obvious self-loathing as Mel Gibson, can he?

Well maybe he can. That last Indiana Jones movie was pretty rubbish. We’d be drunk all the time if we were Shia LaBeouf, actually. But if only we could be as adorable…