You know Shia LaBeouf don’t you? Yeah. He’s that insultingly dim thing that’s like shrink-wrapped ham on legs, waddling around with his film career and floozies. What else does he do?

Oh yeah! He gets in fights in bars! That’s a hoot isn’t it?

What’s even better is that someone’s accused him of threatening to stab someone. STAB! STAB! VENDETTA! VENDETTA! Yup. That’s right. A famous face thinking that no-one will mention it to anyone if he starts offering to slit people’s throats.

Of course, one thing we do know about Shia is that he’s an outrageous idiot. Even Han Solo called him an idiot after he started blabbing about Indiana Jones 5.

Well, this idiot got into a fight last week (we didn’t write about it because we’re hopeless idiots ourselves) and a nice man tried to calm him down.

Shia responded to this kind act by (ALLEGEDLY) threatening to pull a knife on him. That’s right. An eye-witness said that LaBeouf had been drunkenly laying into everyone within a mile-radius (possible exaggeration) before he was told to calm down.

The witness said that Shia replied with:

“Oh yea? Or what? What are you going to do about it?”

That’s when the actor got his behind handed to him, WWE style.

Then, the witness said he tried to stop Shia from getting back inside, but LaBeouf got aggressive, spouting:

“Well what if I grabbed my knife on you?”

Moments later, Shia re-appeared to make a throat-slashing gesture at him before heading off toward a hangover and some snide articles written about him.

Lovely stuff.

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Selena Gomez may be stupid enough to stay with Justin Bieber (who seems more than happy to have her be on the receiving end of a load of death threats and, rumour has it, likes cheating on her too), but she’s certainly not daft enough to marry him.

See, Gomez obviously wants to listen to that nagging voice in the back of her mind that says “why yes, you are going out with an ogre of an infant… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t rinse him for money, gifts and reflected fame”.

That’s because, despite her wholly miserable co-existence with the warbling newborn, he does nice things like treating her to trips to Disneyland (where he was probably mistaken for Boo from Monsters Inc.) and constantly fiddles with her training bra while gurgling sexy noises. But marriage? Don’t be silly.

Hilariously, it appears that Gomez is waiting for a real man.

She’s not getting married to the Biebster because she wants to have sex with Transformers actor and Megan Fox marriage wrecker, Shia LaBeouf.

Speaking about LaBeouf, Selena admitted:

“I was so happy when I saw Shia. I was so star-struck. He probably thinks I’m crazy and I probably made a fool out of myself, but I love him. I have literally been obsessed with him since I was 15.”

“Shia’s older than me, so I look up to him. I don’t want to marry him, though!”

So purely physical then? Impressive. It seems that Selena is yearning for someone to come along and present themselves to satisfy her needs when she becomes legal… and she’s right to do so because, when that time comes, Bieber will invariably still be forming a solid fontanelle and shouting “MOMMY! I DONE A POOP MOMMY!”

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We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.

Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.

It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.

So, Michael’s the king of our robot overlords and a pimp. Huh? Okay. The guy who may or may not be a pimp pushed them together and somewhere in there everyone forgot she had a boyfriend. Maybe. No one seems to be sure. Asked whether he was the other man in a relationship that’s now spanned six years, he stuttered and gave a blithe, non-committal retort.

In all likelihood, Fox was on a Ross and Rachel break in which sleepovers were allowed as long as there’s no kissing. So, that was what she did. And Shia blabbed because he’s no gentleman.

Megan’s not really talking to the press about this. However, multiple, excitable sources are speaking on her behalf. And they’re emoting all over the place.

OK! Magazine reports that Megan and Brian are desperately trying to save their marriage. “He has really upset Megan and Brian,” a close source explains. “They went through an incredibly rocky period when she and Shia were filming Transofmers: Revenge of the Fallen…having Shia run his mouth now and brag about sleeping with Megan is awful for them.” Though was it really cheating? “…technically [Megan] didn’t do anything wrong since they were on break. [Still], they are so angry at Shia.”

Megan’s really, really, upset that she got caught. Because, frankly, with a daily side of extra penis, that would be the only reason to be sad.

This was the last ever guest post by Amy Grindhouse, which is terrible, terrible news… but then again, it really is her own fault for her continual sexual advances toward the rest of Team Spray.

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You’ve got to pick sides these days. There’s no grey in life anymore, no nuance. It’s black and white. Guilty? Then throw away the key!

A victim? Then everything you say is sacred and righteous. Think the most recent album by x band is okay, but not as good as their last one? No you don’t- you’re a HATER!

Israel vs Palestine. Dawkins vs God. Left vs Right. 0 vs 1. But even in these binary times we’re stumped on where we stand on Harrison Ford vs Shia LaBoeuf .

Last May, Shia “charisma repellent” LaBoeuf gave the fourth Indiana Jones film (Indiana Jones and the CGI Fuck-Up) a slagging-

“I feel like I dropped the ball on the legacy that people loved and cherished. I have a relationship with Steven Spielberg that supercedes our business work. And believe me, I talk to him often enough to know that I’m not out of line. And I would never disrespect the man. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball.”

In a recent interview though, he was called out by Harrison Ford, starting a beef with LaBeouf. His surprisingly un-boring rant was…

“I think he was a fucking idiot. As an actor, I think it’s my obligation to support the film without making a complete ass of myself. Shia is ambitious, attentive, and talented – and he’s learning how to deal with a situation which is very unique and difficult.”

Now our automatic reaction is to side with Ford. Han Solo versus the kid from Transformers is a no-brainer, surely? The problem we have is that Shia’s words ring rather true. Lest we forget he’s talking about a film that has successfully given the world the phrase “nuking the fridge” as an alternative to “jumping the shark“.

On the other hand, Ford’s words sound like wise advice for LaBoeuf from the man who was in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire Strikes Back and Blade Runner. However he also refers to LaBoeuf as being talented so what the hell does the narky old git know?

See, it’s difficult isn’t it?

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Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.

No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.

Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.

LaBeouf explains, like a true gent:

“Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them.”

“I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

You could? Really? While she stood motionless and pouting at thin air? Even so, wasn’t she spoken for at the time?

He says (and this isn’t made up):

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. It was what it was.”

So that’d be a yes then. Or, possibly, it didn’t happen at all and it is all just a device to stir up interest in Transformers 3. Of course, Fox has been replaced in the film after making comments about Nazis, which is an impressively dumb thing to do in Hollywood.

Now we can all speculate about Shia sticking his Beouf in new Transformer totty Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

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Not content with owning both a name that sounds better-suited to a feminine hygiene product and the smuggest face in modern cinema whilst appearing as the instantly-forgettable co-star of the most dismal and ill-advised films of recent times, Shia LaBeouf seems determined to also become known as Hollywood’s most ineffectual hell-raiser.

The star – whose moody acting range consists of ‘worried’, ‘puzzled’, ‘sleepy’ and nothing else – was slapped in handcuffs following an altercation in the early hours of Saturday morning at the Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oakes, California.

Details are still sketchy, but we’re pretty sure that if it’s a low-key evening you’re looking for, you’re probably not going to find it in an establishment named ‘The Mad Bulls’. Sources close to LaBeouf (ie: LaBeouf) state that the actor was jumped-on and ended up getting punched in the face.

The supposed assailant, Mark Mastro, tells a different story.

It’s difficult to know who to believe, what with LaBeouf’s crazy past exploits, which include not leaving a chemists when asked (November 2007, charges dropped), smoking a cigarette (March 2008, charges dropped and  it wasn’t even cool to get busted for that when you were still in high school) and the drink-driving thing in July 2008 that wasn’t drink-driving but a boring-old normal car crash that wasn’t even his fault and has left him with a spazzed-up hand?

Shia LeBeouf is a shockingly poor hell-raiser.

As he tells it to radaronline.com, Mark Mastro was merely trying to get his picture taken with the actor and:

“He didn’t want anything to do with me,” says the college student. “He said he just wanted to chill and refused to do a photo. I walked away.”

Some time later:

“My friend said, ‘what’s up Shia’?” Mastro says. “Shia told him to ‘get the fuck out of my way.’ He was slurring his words.
“That’s when I said to my buddy, ‘don’t worry, he’s just a fucking faggot anyway’,” Mastro says.

“He turned around, cursed me out, and I started laughing.”

And then:

“He charged at me! I jumped over the patio fence onto the sidewalk to get away from him. But he kept coming after me.

“He was getting in my face. He was talking shit. He was chest-bumping me.”

At which point a bouncer stepped-in, handed LeBeouf over to the cops and Mastro left the premises without further incident. Although somewhere along the way LeBeouf got his bland little face all bashed-up.

So let that be a lesson to anyone who doubts that Shia LeBeouf is a crazy badass – you don’t want him ‘chest-bumping’ you like an enraged 10-year-old before bruising your knuckles with his face – now, do you?

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10 - When imagination and profound bitterness collide – My Ex-Wife’s Wedding Dress

9 - When Disney and full-on perversion collide – Geekologie

8 - Cigarettes make you stronger. If you’re a robot. Which you almost certainly are not – SlantedScience

7 - Shia LaBeouf realises that everything he’s ever done is ultimately worthless – AmyGrindhouse

6 - We’re not fully aware of what this actually is, but it’s single-handedly prevented us from getting any sleep since about Thursday – Bestweekever

5 – In love? Want to bumlick your future overlords? Then why not get a robot to marry you? – Asylum

4 – YOU! Like sport? Like, um, Glos? Then you’re going to LOVE Sportglos - Sportglos

3 - An exhaustive guide to the costumes of Sherlock Holmes – ClothesOnFilm

2 - The most spectacularly inappropriate question ever to be asked during a news bulletin – Guyism

1 – Jesus, squirrels are BASTARDS…

Who’s looking forward to Wall Street 2, huh? It’s going to be just like Wall Street, but Shia LaBeouf’s in it.

Anybody? Anybody looking forward to it? No? Well stuff you all, then, because the first trailer for Wall Street 2 – which has now officially been given the dunder-headed title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – has hit the internet. Yes, you’re right to be excited. Or interested. Or utterly apathetic. Or whatever it is you are.

Want to see the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer? Then you’d better read on. And if the chaotic mixture of sounds and images is too much for your brain to comprehend, we’re also going to analyse the arse off it. For you…

Right, before we hit you with the Wall Street 2 trailer, let’s just discuss the title. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Presumably it got the name because Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING MONEY wouldn’t fit on the posters. Honestly, we’re starting to think that Oliver Stone just wrote down the first thing he thought of. Look, these are all better names for Wall Street 2…

Wall Street: Money Never Skydives

Wall Street: Money Never Farts

Wall Street: Money Never Wears A Nice Hat

Wall Street: Money Sometimes Jangles

Wall Street: Money Doesn’t Usually Stare At You Until You Run Away And Shut Yourself In A Cupboard Clutching With A Breadknife For Protection But It Probably Would If You Let It, The Bastard.

Anyway, now that’s out of the way, let’s have a look at the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer…

But wait! That probably rushed by a little too fast for you, and you were probably distracted by the genuinely horrendous soundtrack. So let’s go through the Wall Street 2 trailer scene by scene and work out what the film will actually be about. Ready?

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 1

First, let’s introduce ourselves to Wall Street 2‘s new character. It’s Shia LaBeouf. Look, Shia LaBeouf is riding a motorbike. Just like Dr Fox does. And Dr Fox is a smug wanker. That means Shia LaBeouf must be a smug wanker, too.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 2

Oh God, now Shia LaBeouf is triumphantly pumping his fists at something. You know who else probably triumphantly pumps his fist at something? Dr Fox. Ugh, what an obscene little turd this Shia LaBeouf character must be.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 3

In this scene, Shia LaBeouf is studying numbers. This means that he’s either a) a genius, b) autistic or c) an irritating bastard. Oh, what the hell – let’s say he’s all three.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 4

Aha, who is this mysterious fellow being given back his possessions after a lengthy jail sentence? Let’s try and guess. He’s being given a gold watch…

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 5

…And a gold money clip. Hey, we think we know who this might be.

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 6

And a comically large mobile phone, too. Yes! It’s definitely him! It has to be! It’s…

WALL STREET 2 TRAILER SCENE 7

…Oh Jesus Christ, what’s happened to his face? It’s gone all weird and saggy and crap! Our eyes! OUR EYES!

You’re welcome, readers.

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Holy Oedipus complex Batman! Look who is claiming not to be having sexy thoughts about their own mother, despite talking about little else for the whole of this month.

Let’s be clear, sexy thoughts about one’s rellies is about as natural as Coke Zero. Or the cheese in a Big Mac, if you will.

So why oh why this Shia LaBeouf bloke took to telling the world about the unsettling things going on in his brain is any one’s guess.

Shia the Beef, of Transformers fame, is reneging on a whole month’s worth of interviews, in which he claims that he spent lonely nights thinking sexy thoughts about his mother. After this month of nightmarish talks with an array of nondescript magazines and Playboy (inexplicably), the 23-year-old says that he was only joking about wanting to get his rocks off with mummy Beef.

He was up until recently one of the least offensive celebrities on the scene. He was an admitted alcoholic with what looked like a personal grooming problem, sure. But don’t tell me that on the Parasite Hilton scale of annoying, he was anything like as much of a pain in the bum as some of his peers.

The general consensus, after being battered to death over the head with quotes about said subject, was that Shia and mummy Beef were quite possibly doing the nasty and that Shia was becoming a leeetle bit hard to take.

This nonsense would not even have been an issue if Shia had just gone to see a damn therapist and gone over his peculiar and disturbing childhood, rather than grabbing any interviewer with a pen and asking them to recount his tales to the masses.

Mate, we know that talking to an interviewer is cheaper than shelling out on therapy, but it would be money well spent. We can even pony up some loose change for you, if you promise to get some bloody help.

The actor recently caused controversy after telling Playboy his mother is the “sexiest woman” he knows. “Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,” he said. But Shia insists his comments were tongue-in-cheek — and he was just trying to make his dear old mom smile. “I’m not having sex with my mother. It’s ridiculous,” he tells US TV show Extra. “I don’t have any problems appearing crazy to make my mother smile, but she is the most beautiful woman on this planet and I love her. She’s fly as hell. I stand by that. My mom’s awesome.”

This was a guest blog by the magnificent Amy Grindhouse. You really must read her blog. It is exceptional.

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10 - Look at this list of sexy women who don’t even exist! Swit swoo! – Interestment

9 - Best infomercial ever. Nobody knows what it’s for, but the product is called I Hope You Die Soon. Ace! – Bestweekever

8 - SHEEP IN A CIRCLE! – Geekologie

7 - That bloke off that thing splits up with woman – Amygrindhouse

6 – Expensive T-shirt grr - Shoutingatcows

5 - Father’s day is coming up. Why not buy him a GG Allin bobblehead? – Mychemicaltoilet

4 - We’re including this list of celebrity yearbook photos purely as a demonstration of Shia LaBeouf‘s eternal spazziness - PopEater

3 - Buy some bunting. Buy it. It’s bunting, for crying out loud. Who doesn’t like bunting? BUNTING – Domesticsluttery

2 – This week’s reminder: Peter Andre still exists – Popsugar

1 – Fact: laugh at this and you’re a monster…

Transformers 2 is undoubtedly going to be one of the biggest movies of 2009. Well, OK, maybe not ‘biggest’.

Maybe we meant ‘loudest’. Or ‘most pointless’. Or something. Look, anyway, none of this matters because there’s a brand-new teaser trailer for Transformers 2 after the jump, and we’re about to show it to you – while giving you the full lowdown on it – after the jump.

Alternatively, if you’ve seen the first Transformers movie, you might not want to bother watching the Transformers 2 trailer. It’s exactly the same. Exactly. Seriously, we’re not joking. Avoid the Transformers 2 trailer like the plague. You’re not listening, are you?

If you like endless scenes of abstract robot-on robot violence that have such little bearing on the real world that you’ll probably fall asleep through during them even though they’re all loud enough to cause structural damage to the foundations of the cinema you’re watching them in AND you don’t think you got enough of that in the original Transformers movie, then we have two pieces of advice for you:

1 – You’re either 14 years old or a medically-diagnosable idiot.

2 - Hold onto your hat, because there’s a new Transformers 2 trailer online!

Now, even though we’ve been keeping an eye on the Transformers 2 news lately – so we know that it’ll feature a morbidly obese Megan Fox and a severely Beadled Shia LaBeouf – details about the movie’s plot have been kept quiet. This, we guessed, was either because Transformers 2 will be so utterly groundbreaking that even hinting about it will give people nosebleeds, or because it’s going to be identical to the first Transformers in every possible way.

But now our questions have been answered with the new Transformers 2 trailer. Here it is. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT, it’s not the first one…

Initial destruction of something military-looking? Check. Megan Fox doing little else but cry and scream? Check. That handsome yet boring actor who isn’t Shia LaBeouf being completely superfluous to the plot? Check. Giant fighting robots punching in other in such extraordinary close-up that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on? Check.

Said robots urinating everywhere and talking like a bad end-of-the-pier comedian doing a borderline impersonation of a black person? Che… wait a minute! NOT CHECK! That doesn’t happen ONCE in the Transformers 2 trailer! We take it all back – Transformers 2 is going to be completely fresh, new and exciting in every single way!

We’re… we’re actually looking forward to Transformers 2 now. It might not actually be as terrible as we expected. We don’t know what to do now. We were banking on Transformers 2 being the most awful, pointlessly-realised sequel of the year. What are we going to tip scorn over now?

Terminator: Salvation, you say? Right you are.

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People say that Shia LaBeouf should stay away from cars, but really they just mean the movie Transformers.

Because, really, Transformers was pants. But, anyway, now Shia LaBeouf really does have to keep away from cars – he’s had his driving licence suspended for a year following that crash of his last summer.

But just because Shia LaBeouf faces a year without driving a car, it’s no great loss – he’s just as skilled at riding motorcycles and swinging around on monkey vines and being carried by big ants and however else he travelled around in that bloody awful Indiana Jones film.

Despite being named after the noise that the Back To The Future car made when its doors were opened and closed again, cars in general have given Shia LaBeouf nothing but misery in his life – and not just because he’s spent a great portion of his adult life running away from imaginary cars that turn into robots, talk like embarrassing white rappers and urinate on authority figures, although that is a big part of it.

No, the bulk of Shia LaBeouf’s automotive grief came last year when he flipped his pickup truck in the middle of the street. You may remember that Shia LaBeouf was not only arrested on suspicion of DUI following the crash, but he also crushed two of his fingers in the wreckage, dooming him to a life of only being able to pick his nose with an unfolded coat hanger and a toddler’s plastic bib or something. We’re not doctors.

However, Shia LaBeouf was never actually charged with DUI because it turns out that the crash wasn’t his fault. And that’s the end of the story. Or at least it would be if Shia LaBeouf hadn’t been an arsehole to the policemen at the scene of the crash and refused to take a breathalyzer test, because now he’s had his driving licence yoinked away for a year. E! Online reports:

“It was suspended for refusing a chemical test,” the official said, noting that even though LaBeouf was cleared of any DUI charges after it was determined that the other driver caused his smashup, the suspension was “automatic.” California law states that a person’s license can be suspended for up to one year if he/she refuses to take a blood, breath or urine test for a suspected DUI.

You see, Shia LaBeouf? For too long you’ve traded on nothing but your adorable face and your big puppy eyes to get you out of trouble. But you’re getting old now, and that crap won’t wash any more. Just look at when you tried to cute your way of trouble with that 1950s mindreading Soviet lady in the last Indiana Jones film. Boy oh boy Shia LaBeouf, if it wasn’t for your abnormally good skill on the monkey vines, you’d be toast right now! Sheesh!

No doubt Shia LaBeouf will claim that the DMV is being heavy-handed for removing his driving licence for a year because of his involvement in a crash that wasn’t even his fault. But we’d disagree. Chances are that the DMV heard those rumours about Shia LaBeouf being cast as Robin in Batman 3 and figured he’d be less likely to get the part if he wasn’t allowed near the Batmobile. And for that we’ll forever be in the DMV’s debt.

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First the good news: it seems likely that the Batman 3 casting rumours can end now. Are you ready for the bad news?

The bad news is that Batman 3 director Christopher Nolan appears to have banged his head quite hard on a doorframe and is badly concussed. We’ve deduced this thanks to reports that Nolan has signed Eddie Murphy to play The Riddler in Batman 3. Eddie bloody Murphy.

But it’s not all bad, because it’s not as if he’s also signed Shia LaBeouf to play Robin in Batman 3 as well, is it? It is? Christopher Nolan, you great big sod, what have you done?

Casting Batman 3 was always going to pose a problem for Christopher Nolan. The Dark Knight was such a massive success that the logical thing to do would be to bring back the same villains for the sequel. The problem with that plan, though, is that one of the baddies died onscreen and the other one died in real life.

So all Christopher Nolan had to start Batman 3 with was Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and a man with a stupid voice being chased by some dogs like a great big morally-ambiguous sausage. And that’s how the great Batman 3 casting rumours started. Several names were all thrown into the pot, but none of them stuck. Here’s why:

Angelina Jolie as Catwoman – Would have contractually requested a sequence where Batman goes to Darfur and weeps for 30 minutes.

Johnny Depp as The Riddler – Will Batman 3 be a) directed by Tim Burton or b) an impenetrable kid’s film? No? Well there’s your answer.

Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin – Philip Seymour Hoffman in a popular film? Whatever next?

Cher as Catwoman – Not even Christopher Nolan wants audiences to leave the cinema covered in vomit and eye-blood because they’ve seen Cher’s latex-covered vulva in close-up on an Imax screen.

Actually, the real reason none of the above were cast for Batman 3 is simple – it’s because Christopher Nolan had a secret wishlist that was far, far shittier. How shit? Shia LaBeouf shit. Eddie Murphy shit. The Sun reports:

Funnyman Eddie Murphy will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal. The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director Christopher Nolan. Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, 22, to play Robin. Meanwhile, Brit Rachel Weisz is said to be up for the Catwoman role.

Now, OK, we can see Rachel Weisz as Catwoman in Batman 3, because she’s very clearly lovely. But didn’t Christian Bale say that he’d be ‘chaining himself up and refusing to work‘ if Robin appeared in the sequel to The Dark Knight? And Eddie Murphy? Eddie Murphy? Eddie titting Murphy?

Obviously The Sun‘s report should be taken with a pinch of salt at the moment, partly because nothing has been officially confirmed and partly because Eddie Murphy was referred to with the prefix ‘funnyman’ as opposed to the technically more accurate ‘woefully unfunny dickmunch’. But still, what if the rumours are true?

If Eddie Murphy really is going to be The Riddler in Batman 3, then we’ve whittled down the movie’s storyline to three possible options:

1 – Batman 3 won’t just feature The Riddler played by Eddie Murphy, but also The Riddler’s mother, father, obese girlfriend and racist stereotypical Chinaman neighbour, all also played by Eddie Murphy.

2 - Batman 3 will be about Batman chasing The Riddler to take a DNA test because he knocked up a Spice Girl and denied the baby was his. The movie ends with Batman catching The Riddler in a honeytrap sting involve a transvestite prostitute.

3 - In Batman 3 everyone sits around puzzled by the fact that they’ve actually become slightly nostalgic for Jim Carrey, something none of them thought they would ever do.

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This is how much of a superstar Shia LaBeouf is now – he can get a film like Eagle Eye to the top of the weekend box office.

Now, true, that might not seem like a big deal, given that Eagle Eye‘s big US weekend box office competition came in the form of two of the worst movies ever made, but don’t let that fool you – Eagle Eye‘s pretty terrible too, you know.

How terrible? Terrible in that it’s about Shia LaBeouf running around following orders barked at him by an unseen force. That’s right – Eagle Eye is basically the first half of the first season of 24, except that Shia LaBeouf doesn’t even get to shoot any foreigners in the face, and he doesn’t have a trouble-prone booby teenage daughter. That’s how rubbish Eagle Eye is.

Eagle Eye is the top movie at the weekend box office, and it’s not hard to see why – it’s all down to Shia LaBeouf and his big bloody adorable chubby little ubbadubba cheeks and his dreamy hair.

Shia LaBeouf is just weekend box office gold, and his name along can guarantee a movie’s success. Just like a sloppy Rear Window rip-off like Disturbia or a gormless near-abstract clod of summertime action crap like Transformers. You know what Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull would be without Shia LaBeouf? It’d be an overlong film about an old bloke getting chucked about in a fridge. At least with Shia it was an overlong film about an old bloke getting chucked about in a fridge co-starring a puppy-faced cherub. Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Eagle Eye (Thank God that car crash didn’t kill Shia LaBeouf. If it had, his final message to the world would have been Eagle Eye. That’s roughly like if Heath Ledger had died right after making The Patriot, and that hardly bears thinking about, does it?) $29,200,000

2 - Nights in Rodanthe (Remember when we mentioned the two worst movies ever made a second ago? This is one of them. God knows what it’s about, but the trailer features some horses frolicking on a beach as a representation of free-wheeling spirit of love. Did you read that last sentence without stabbing yourself in the thigh with a letter opener? You’re made of stronger stuff than us, then) $13,570,000

3 - Lakeview Terrace (So apparently a bad neighbour now means Samuel L Jackson trying to kill you in a vaguely racially-motivated way. That’s nothing – ours has left a mattress on their front lawn for the last fortnight. Which is easily, unquestionable, worse) $7,000,000

4 - Fireproof (The second of our worst films ever? Why? Here’s how it describes itself: “At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter’s adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules. After seven years of marriage, Caleb and Catherine Holt have drifted so far apart that Catherine wishes she had never married. As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb’s father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment he calls…” Great, thanks Fireproof, now we’ve got two knackered thighs. You wanker) $6,514,000

5 - Burn After Reading (After No Country For Old Men and now Burn After Reading, the heat is on to find a haircut shitty enough to complete the Coen Brothers‘ Bad Hair Trilogy. Fingers crossed for a bloody Fontage, we say) $6,169,000

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Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo

Wow, this really is a lucky escape for Shia LaBeouf – every single copy of his bad new movie Eagle Eye has been destroyed in a fire.

Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

Although he was recently arrested for flipping his truck over while possibly drunk, it’s important to remember that Shia LaBeouf is still only three years old.

And, as such, he’s very easily led. For example, right before the crash, Shia LaBeouf had been working on Transformers 2. When you take that into consideration, it’s no wonder he smashed his vehicle to pieces in the middle of the night – he probably though it was about to turn into a Decepticon and eat him for its dinner.

At least that’s what we’re assuming the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has decided, anyway, because it has chosen not to press DUI charges against Shia LaBeouf. The official reason? Insufficient evidence. The unofficial reason that we all know is true anyway? Because Shia LaBeouf is so cute and adorable that you just want to pick him up, wrap him in a hankie, put him in your pocket, take him home and keep him in a matchbox stuffed with cotton wool.

But Shia LaBeouf shouldn’t celebrate this news too soon. Partly because his definition of ‘celebrating’ seems like it might involve getting shitfaced and losing control of his car, but mainly because he still might lose his licence anyway. E! Online reports:

“When a person refuses to have a blood alcohol test it is an automatic suspension under the Department of Motor Vehicle regulations,” L.A. Sheriff’s Department spokesman Officer Steve Whitmore told E! News. “That is why the hearing is tomorrow is because he refused to have a blood alcohol test. It’s an automatic suspension.”

It’s unfortunate that Shia LaBeouf might lose his driving licence. We’re not saying that he doesn’t deserve to be punished for refusing a blood alcohol test, we’re just saying his gnarled stump of an injured hand is probably enough punishment. Because, face it, from now on every time Shia LaBeouf looks at that flappy lump of pointlessness hanging from his wrist like a latex bag stuffed with chicken carcasses, he’ll be forced to remember that fateful night and the events that led to it.

Oh, OK, we’ll admit it. We’re just bitter because Shia LaBeouf’s injuries mean he’ll never be able to run his fingers through our hair while feeding us strawberries under a parasol on a rowing boat in the springtime any more. We don’t think we’ll ever smile again.