But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis.

Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.

Unfortunately not Tommy Lee Jones. Mind – that would be both hilarious and perfect for Pammie’s reality TV show. Especially if Jones was in full ‘Two Face from Batman Forever’ makeup. Seriously – we at hecklerspray should be television executives, we’d make things worth watching again.

But that’s beside the point here.

The point is that Pamela Anderson is in a relationship with a man she’s known for more than 30 minutes – a revelation in itself – and if you add up all the time that she and Tommy Lee have been together it actually comes to more than a week or so. Surely a record for the ex-Baywatch star?

The groundbreaking, world-moving and earth-shattering news came about in an interview with RollingStone.com, when Tommy told the interviewer:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

Well, who wouldn’t be happy with the news that an ageing rocker from a substandard hair metal band and the woman that adorned the walls of every red-blooded male throughout the 90s – purely because she looked good running in super slow-mo – have shacked up (again)?

We certainly are. Because it means we are unlikely to have to report on the trials and tribulations of that no-talent berk Rick Salomon or his equally-pointless, though somehow marginally more annoying (probably because he’s an irritating, weasel-faced little prick) counterpart Kid Rock.

Yes, the world of a semi-stable relationship – that is, semi-stable in the world of Pamela Anderson, of course – is the perfect one for both hecklerspray and Pammie for a couple of fantastic reasons:

1) It means she may actually manage to stay with one man for more than 13 seconds, thus giving her kids the slimmest of chances that they won’t grow up to be utter, complete and total fuck-ups.

2) We won’t have to report on those utter, utter wastes of skin mentioned above any more.

Though we are likely to have to talk about Tommy Lee. Shit.

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon managed just over two months of happy marriage before they separated, which we think could be a record for both of them. We're sure they're very proud, either way.

And it was a smart move for Pamela Anderson to choose an annulment over a divorce, because legally it means the marriage never existed. And that means that the next time Pamela Anderson short-sightedly stumbles into a marriage with a vastly unsuitable man, she'll only be a double-divorcee instead of a triple. That third one would have put all kinds of men off.

We had a bad feeling about Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon right from the get-go, you know. And not for the same reasons as everyone else, either – not because Pamela Anderson or Rick Salomon both have histories of stupidly short marriages and generally give off the impression of being as clever as two hairy clods of turd.

No, we worried about Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon because a Pamela Anderson/ Rick Salomon sex tape never emerged. And that isn't right – between them they're responsible for the two biggest sex tapes in history, so realistically Pamela and Rick should be churning out new special editions of their sex tape hourly. And, since it's scientific fact that the only way for Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon to express their affection for other people is by dicking them on camera and leaking it to the internet, that spelt a serious problem.

As expected, Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon separated after 73 days – or did they? Because Pamela Anderson decided to annul her marriage, none of those 73 days actually existed any more. Anyway, it's over now. Associated Press reports:

Pamela Anderson has ended another brief marriage. The "Baywatch" star's nuptials with Rick Salomon were officially annulled Monday, according to documents filed in Superior Court. The documents listed fraud as the reason for the annulment but did not include further details. Salomon and Anderson, 40, were married Oct. 6 in Las Vegas then separated Dec. 13.

So that's Rick Salomon dealt with and consigned to one of the 18 volumes of scrapbooks entitled Really Inappropriate Men That Pamela Anderson Has Boffed. Now Pamela Anderson is free to live the rest of her life however the hell she wants. And since she's managed a three-year marriage, a four-month marriage and a 73-day marriage, it's only a matter of time before Pamela Anderson hits the golden one-week marriage mark.

And then the world is her oyster – a three-day marriage? A 12-hour marriage? A 0.001-second marriage? Oh, the romance of it!

Read more:

Pamela Anderson's Brief Marriage Ends - Associated Press 

And, God bless her, that's exactly what Pamela Anderson got with Rick Salomon – the man who she married, split up with, possibly got pregnant by, got back together with and is now seeking annulment from. 

Now it turns out that Pamela Anderson has cited 'fraud' to end her marriage to Rick Salomon. Now, you should remember that there are only a limited number of grounds for annulment and Pamela Anderson probably checked the 'fraud' box not because she'd literally been defrauded, but because there wasn't a more accurate explanation available to her, like 'I'm an emotionally-backwards airhead dicksplat.'

The end of a marriage is never easy, even when you're as massively experienced as Pamela Anderson. She's been divorced twice already, you see, to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, and the last thing anyone wants is to become a three-time divorcee. That must be why Pamela Anderson is making such a pig's ear of splitting up with husband number three Rick Salomon.

You'll remember, of course, that Pamela Anderson married Rick Salomon in October, then decided that she wanted to split up with him by December only to change her mind again a day later. It was all like Romeo And Juliet, really, but with none of the romance and the lead parts played by two idiots who fuck people on the internet for sport. And the ending wasn't quite as fun.

Anyway, yesterday the whole sorry mess came crashing to a definite close when Pamela Anderson chose to annul her marriage to Rick Salomon. Annulments are actually better than divorces, because it means technically you go back in time and the marriage never happened. You know, a bit like that thing you wished would happen after you saw Barb Wire for the first time.

But on what grounds did Pamela Anderson decide to get an annulment? Why, fraud of course. That's right, Pamela Anderson has decided to claim in her annulment papers that her whole marriage was a fraud from beginning to end. After all, that's what Renee Zellweger did, and she didn't look like an idiot, did she? Oh wait… The Boston Herald reports:

Serial bride Pamela Anderson has taken a page out of Renee Zellweger’s playbook and has filed for an annulment citing “fraud” to get rid of her hubby of four months, sex video peddler Rick Salomon. The former “Baywatch” babe – who married Paris Hilton’s sex-tape co-star in October, filed papers in Los Angeles Superior Court the other day to end their union for the third time in as many months. In this new filing, Anderson cited “fraud” as the reason for annulling the marriage as opposed to the “irreconcilable differences” she named in the two previous filings. 

Fraud? Fraud? What on earth could be fraudulent about the Pamela Anderson/ Rick Salomon wedding? It certainly coundn't be their sex life, because anyone with a working internet connection and an empty stomach can quite easily see for themselves what Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are like in bed. And, let's be fair, neither of them are exactly clever enough to be Lovejoy, are they?

But anyway, at least the marriage is almost over, which leaves Pamela Anderson free to move onto the next poor schmuck she'll inevitably marry before the year is out. Who will that be? Judging by her previous records, Pamela Anderson will be looking for a shit-haired rock star who enjoys having it off with people on the internet.

Gene Simmons must be terrified.

Read more:

Oh the irony! Pam cites ‘fraud’ in split - Boston Herald 

We hate to tell you this, Pam, but you just gotta let some of those strays be put down, honey. We’ve had to do the same thing with several of Paris Hilton’s boyfriends. Just gotta let them go…

But now, Pamela Anderson finds herself doing the failed marriage thing again with that Rick Salomon guy she married. No, wait. Scratch that. She’s just getting an annulment this time,not a divorce. Oh, okay then. That’s much better.

Yes, children, once again Pamela Anderson reminds why you should listen to your mother and never let yourself sober up after marrying a loser because you wake up and realise that you’ve married a loser. Okay, we shouldn’t be too hard on the old girl because she has hepatitis from her first rocker husband so she can’t stay dead drunk all the time because it’s bad for her liver.

Anyway, for those of you keeping track at home, Pamela Anderson married and divorced greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top wearing rocker Tommy Lee and also married to and divorced greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top wearing rocker Kid Rock. Pamela Anderson headed to less greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top waters when she married slimy, pervy, home porno maker Rick Salomon. But, unfortunately that’s not going to work out either for some reason.

Of course, this isn’t the first Pamela Anderson/Rick Salomon divorce talk we’ve heard. Pammy already filed for divorce from Rick Salomon in December after two whole months of wedded horror. She then changed her mind a couple of days later. Then she hanged it again a few dozen more times.  

At any rate, Pamela Anderson appears to want out for real this time and trying to get her marriage to Rick Salomon annulled. She’s opting for an annulment as opposed to a divorce because everyone knows that it’s better to have two divorces and an annulment rather than three divorces because if you say you have three divorces people might think you really suck at making life decisions and can’t maintain a mature relationship.

So maybe marriage isn't the best hobby for Pamela Anderson to be involved in. Maybe she should just stick to the things she's good at like running on the beach in slow motion and, um…

Actually, that's about it.

Read more:  

Pamela Anderson Now Seeking Annulment - People

Yes, we know we just said that Pamela Anderson was pregnant, but that's because we thought she was and, well, the thought of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's genes colliding to create an unborn baby with the potential to become an internet sex tape Olympian was just too darn exciting. 

Pamela Anderson's blog, you see, has the word 'no' written on it. Twice. So that's another hope of ours dashed.

Forget what you've heard. Not about everything – that would probably be a bit catastrophic – but just about Pamela Anderson getting pregnant with Rick Salomon's baby. Because it looks like it was all just a case of wishful thinking on the part of everyone on the planet. 

In what we assume is a reference to the pregnancy rumours, the ever-eloquent Pamela Anderson has taken to her blog to write the following page-turner:

No

No.

Now, as we've said, we're only partially certain that Pamela Anderson is talking about this rumoured pregnancy of hers, although we could be wrong. For all we know she could just be answering the questions 'Are you a natural blonde?' and 'Hey, are those things real?'

Nevertheless, this must have all just made Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's break-up harder – in just pitifully small number of months they've hooked up, got married, filed for divorce and partially changed their minds and now they have a possibly invented baby on the way? It's just too much for a couple of bad-haired internet porn dimwits to take.

Still, now that the pregnancy has been denied it's good to see that Pamela Anderson is able to keep up her gruelling, near-annual marriage/ divorce/ magical disappearing baby workload up. Be proud, Pammy, you're doing well.

Read more:

No – Pamela Anderson 

Why, you ask? Because Pamela Anderson has an uncanny knack for being dysfunctional enough to keep herself in the media, but not enough to paint her face like a clown and die of drugs, or have to pee in a cup for a judge and get her kids taken away. She’s classy, alright.  

And now she’s stepped it up a notch. Pamela Anderson is reportedly pregnant with her latest find of a pervert husband, Rick Salomon, which makes sense because daddy’s got to have an heir to his illustrious sex-tape fortune.  

If there’s one thing we love most about Pamela Anderson it’s her commitment to life decisions… boobs in, boobs out, boobs in, boobs out – which can be a reference to her breast implants or her marriages (ba dum dum tish!). Yes, we all know that Pamela Anderson likes to keep celebrity marriage stereotypes alive and well by marrying multiple times and making each marriage shorter than the last. At least she’s learned to stop hyphenating her name, so we don’t have to write Pamela Anderson Lee-Rock-Cookie Monster-LA Lakers-Salomon all the time. Thanks, Pammy.  

Apparently, Pamela Anderson’s marriage to Rick Salomon was going to follow suit nicely after announcing last month that the newlyweds were separating after just a couple months of marriage. Shocking. But the couple recanted the announcement just a couple of days later. Was it the magical power of true love? Was it an epiphany that marriage is supposed to be longer than a season of Survivor?  

Nope. Looks like it was a baby. Pamela Anderson – heaven help us – is reportedly pregnant. Reportedly with Rick Salomon, who reportedly told pals that those wacky pregnancy hormones were the reason Pamela Anderson was “acting crazy” and wanted a divorce. We’d call it coming to her senses, but that’s neither here nor there.  

Well, good luck, kids. We know you will be just dynamite, because if there’s any certainty in life, it’s that horrifically doomed, dysfunctional marriages can be saved by having a baby.          

Read more: 

Pam To Rick, I'm Pregnant, Get Lost - TMZ

No, it's worse than weird. It's wrong. Although it was reported yesterday that Pamela Anderson was ready to fulfil her duties as an out-of-touch celebrity bimbette by divorcing her most recent husband Rick Salomon after two months of happy marriage, the latest news is that perhaps Pamela Anderson won't get divorced after all. A post on Pamela Anderson's blog that worryingly reads "We're working things out…" has caused suspicions that she's already having second thoughts. So let's hope that Pam comes to her senses and completes her divorce soon, because we're pretty sure that a lasting Pamela Anderson marriage will upset the natural order of things and make the moon fall out of the sky and the seas boil. 

Maybe – just maybe – Pamela Anderson's policy of only marrying men who dick women on the internet wasn't such a hot idea. Pamela's marriage to sex tape star Tommy Lee ended in divorce and Hepatitis, Pamela's marriage to sex tape star Kid Rock ended in divorce and a weird argument about Borat, and now it looks like Pamela Anderson's marriage to sex tape star Rick Salomon is about to end in divorce and – worst of all – non-divorce.

You'll remember that yesterday we reported that Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon had filed for divorce after just 73 days of marriage. It must have been a disappointing blow for Rick Salomon – not only had his marriage lasted for a full week less than the time it took Phileas Fogg to travel around the world, but it also meant that he'd miss out on next year's traditional MTV VMA Pamela Anderson husband-fight.

But maybe all that divorce talk was a bit premature. Even though divorce papers have been officially filed and everything's geared up for another routine divorce, Pamela Anderson has shaken things up on her blog by revealing that she is currently trying to talk out her differences with Rick Salomon in an effort to stay married. Pamela's blog – in its entirety – reads:

"We're working things out…"

Now, there's only a chance that this means Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are trying to reconcile their differences. It's equally likely that Pamela Anderson was referring to the difficulty she's having helping her young son with his homework from the book Very Basic Mathematics For Children And Idiots. Or, you know, it could mean that this is just a great big publicity stunt to try and boost sales of her Pamela Anderson Comedy Central Roast DVDs. We just don't know.

However, if these supposed peace talks between Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon fall through, it looks likely that Pamela will make good on her promise to retire from public life completely in five years. And that means she only has five years left to marry and divorce everyone else in the world with a penchant for public nudity. Marcia Cross must be quaking in her pubes.

Read more:

PS – Pamela Anderson 

Pamela Anderson has made some mistakes in her life. She got that Barb Wire tattoo before she knew there wasn’t a franchise a’ brewin’, she quit Home Improvement before Tim Allen could secure her a role in either of those Toy Story movies. Perhaps most importantly, she didn’t sleep with a drunken David Hasselhoff even after he told her she’d never work in this town again.

That last bit is purely assumption on our part of course – but it’s a safe assumption. After all, eventually everyone sleeps with the Hoff. We did at our website launch party, and we’re not that ashamed. A Boys II Men best-of album filled the air as us and the Hoff waxed romantical in that dark, very dark janitor’s closet – but darkness such as that has never stopped sweet memories. Let us tell you – that man is built like a mop & bucket. 

But back to Pam’s mistakes – her most recent, apparently, is that she got married again. She’s reconciling all this by filing for divorce, and then maybe sending her most recent husband straight to hell! Perhaps.

Divorce is the whiteout on the great ledger in the sky. Did you get married but now you’re miserable? Get a divorce and it never happened. Is your brother married to your hot Brazilian Olympic swimming ex-girlfriend? Secretly file for divorce for them and split their marriage even if they don’t want to, and it never happened. We heard you can do that in Brazil. It’s because that country is unholy.

Last count we think Pamela Anderson married Tommy Lee twice and divorced him to match. We also seem to recall the lady marrying Kid Rock three or four times but only divorcing him once because Borat ruined their marriage. 

If our math is correct that means she’s still married to Rock at least two times. This in turn makes her a bigamist because barely 60 days ago she married Rick Salomon right in the middle of a magic show. Remember that? They exchanged sweet vows moments before Pam got sawed in half or something. The whole world stopped to throw flower petals and rice.

Well Bigamy or not, Anderson just filed for divorce from Salomon. According to Fox News:

“Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Salomon, co-star of the Paris Hilton sex tape, after only two months of marriage.” 

The good news is Pam won’t be bogged down by legal proceedings for long as she’s pretty good at divorcing by now. She’s reportedly ready to sign dozens of dotted lines, hire thousands of lawyers, and she’s ready to offer the standard ceremonial dead fully-feathered chicken covered in carrot glaze up to the gods of speedy divorce. 

That’s another thing they do in Brazil. Unholy we tell you. 

Read More: 

Pamela Anderson files for divorce after 2 months of marriage – USA Today