It’s damn hard though. We’re struggling ourselves to come to terms with the news. Be comforted in the knowledge that hecklerspray is doing everything in its power to get to the bottom of this.

For you see, Robert “Rob” Pattinson has gone and got Kristen Stewart pregnant, if reports are to be believed.

Tweens and spinsters: he’s cheated on you.

Why the man with the face made of timber would want to risk the wrath of his fanbase – which consists entirely of troglodytes who communicate solely through shrieking, and would rather see “Rob” dead than with any other creature on this earth – we do not know.

The adult child has cojones, that much we do know.

Using our finest sources (clicking on the link to Digital Spy), we discovered this nugget of (possible) truth straight from one of our most reliable and oft-used news outlets (Australian NW Magazine):

“When [she] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

Well, seeing as that all but confirms the definite news that Kristen Stewart is pregnant by Robert “Rob” Pattinson’s seed, we may as well speculate as to what it will look like, what it is to be called and what awful franchises it will star in, based on crap books written by a sexually-frustrated Mormon.

It will look like: a cross between its parents. i.e. Dull, woody and flat.

It will be named: Something that can be shortened for ease of use by cloying mentalists (otherwise known as “fans”). i.e. Robert “Rob”.

Awful franchises it will star in: Most likely the sequels to the Twilight saga that are bound to come about when that Mormon woman realises she wants a bit more money. i.e. ‘Mega Vampire Four: Effeminate Vampires In Space‘.

Though we have to speculate that maybe they hope the child could be the reincarnation of Michael Jackson. In which case they’re doing the right thing and shouldn’t fear repercussions from insane, violent fanbeasts.

Just think about it.

We’re just throwing that out there in case the Drudge Report, E! Online or the National Enquirer want to run with it as a headline. Not interested? Perhaps they would be if they knew we used two different jelly flavours – one of them mint. Also we unconventionally spread it on there with the back of a spoon.

Still nobody interested? Its free you know – we don’t want a cut or anything. Just take the story. You could use the headline hecklerspray double jellies its morning toast with spoon from filthy sink pile.

That’d be far more interesting than the story most of them are running about the Paris Hilton/Benji Madden break-up. C’mon you websites – think of the increased internet traffic!

Good news for anybody who’s longed to date either a helium-filled heiress or a semi-famous guitarist who looks like he sweats a lot. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have split. Our sources tell us its because Paris finally realised why her boyfriend’s lips were covered in fur the night ‘coyotes’ ate her dogs a few months back.

Our source also tells us the two have already moved on. Benji is dating a young woman in line to inherit several Red Roof Inns, and Paris is in a very real relationship with a Burger King grease trap. That second one even comes with baby rumours.

Us Magazine has a slightly different account of things:

“Paris Hilton and Benji Madden called it quits Tuesday after nine months of dating, a rep for Hilton confirms exclusively to Usmagazine.com. “Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends,” a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us. The reason for the split? “Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”"

That plus Paris had always thought she was dating the bassist from Green Day. When she learned the truth she was done with the lie. Probably.

With her new-found spare time we bet ol’ PH will start working more on her coyote home-defence system. What seems to keep the beasts the most at bay so far is songs about best friends, and the projected image of all five The Simple Life seasons filling the entire south wall of her mansion.

As for Benji, who is best known for being named after a dog from the seventies, well we don’t know what he’ll do. Just please nobody let him console himself with a guitar. No need to bring down everybody, fella.

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Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – has gone the way of the perennially single Dodo, as Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have reportedly broken up.

Try to fight back the tears, we’re sure Jennifer is managing to. Especially seeing as she’s now getting her thang on with some kind of model man from Britney Spears‘ Toxic video.

At least that’s more interesting than a nobody in a band, who seems to automatically screw any celebrity woman inhabiting a three-mile radius of his penis. We mean like John Mayer, if you weren’t paying attention.

But what was it that pushed the couple that we expected to marry within about four seconds over the edge? Was it a fist fight? A brutal assault? Endless verbal sparring that created as much sexual tension as it did pure, unadulterated rage? Well, no, not really. He couldn’t commit to her.

Of all the ruddy rubbish reasons women get fed…

But not only is that something that people have picked up on or overheard, it’s actually been put out there by one of our favourite things – a ’source’ – who made these claims:

“John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved.

“Contrary to reports, Jennifer didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.”

It’s probably not the kind of thing you really want ‘out there’ in medialand now, is it? The fact that on one side you have a man incapable of settling down and on the other you have what very well seems to be a mental bint, hell bent on carefully planning the rest of your life for you before you’re even past 30 – well, it doesn’t help the image of either party, frankly.

Though let’s be honest, it makes Rachel come off worse, so we’re guessing the source was probably Mayer’s mum. On the other hand, maybe with Aniston’s succession of very public failed romances, it may well be true? She could well be something of a psycho harpy, for all we know.

We’ll have to see how the model man reacts – maybe she’ll demand he has to stop being attractive within a six month timeframe, just to keep the POA on schedule and to make sure he’s home to impregnate her on command.

All the while John Mayer is sure to be spreading his dull, uninspiring seed around whichever backwater towns he feels the need to tour in – but hey, at least he’ll be happy that he isn’t under the cosh any more, and at least a few more people actually know who he is since his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And as a result they know exactly why they should ignore the dull waste of skin.

If you said ‘the last thing you would want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while at the same time dealing with a particularly expensive divorce would be to donate $500,000 to said high-profile person’s charity’ then you would be correct. You would also have used an overly wordy response. But you would be right, and we won’t take that away from you.

It would seem that this was yet another lesson in the world of today that Alex ‘A-Rod’ Rodriguez was never taught, seeing as he’s only ruddy well gone and agreed to donate half a million dollars to Madonna’s charity, Raising Malawi, while he’s both rumoured to be more than friends with Madge and is part way through E-vorcing his wife. Which is costing him a lot of money.

He could at least have waited a bit, the big, silly, baseball man.

But no, A-Rod is probably too far gone in his brainwashing to turn Madonna down, seemingly feeling that he has to pay the money out right now. But all is not lost for the baseball supremo, as it would seem the mind-warping kabbalah hasn’t completely broken down his resolve. Speaking to the New York Daily News, a source said:

“They’ve asked him for a million dollars, and I hear he’s agreed to give at least $500,000.”

So unless it’s some kind of evil kabbalah test to see how well A-Rod’s mind has handled the brainwashing, it would seem the man is still in control of some of his faculties. His financial ones, at least.

The charity in question which Rodriguez donated to is Madonna’s pet project, aiming to get schools built in Malawi. While it has been denied that these schools will be kabbalah brainwashing centres, there is still the chance that their function is to either train these children to be gap-toothed hags with no talent, or possibly just big men who hit things with sticks for a living. Or even gap-toothed hagmen with no talent who hit things with sticks for a living, while wearing leotards that bit too tight.

A chilling thought, we’re sure you’ll agree.

We can get one thing from all of this though – if A-Rod reads this story, which he’s sure to do as hecklerspray is a worldwide phenomenon, he may finally pick up on at least one of life’s lessons. In future, Alex, if you’re trying to deny any kind of relationship with Madonna, just don’t donate half a million dollars to her.

It’s a simple one and we know it can be easy to overlook, but take the point on board and make sure you don’t make the mistake again. Discretion being the better part of valour, and all that guff.

Unless you want to donate $500,000 to make Guy Ritchie just go away forever. That we would heartily recommend.

Surely she’s one of those types that gets their profile banned for being far, far too whorish for the young audience of the site?

It would appear Paris has special dispensation, however, as she is reportedly ‘dating’ – or whatever the kids call it these days – the CEO of MySpace Chris DeWolfe, who has surely given her special privileges for her profile. More photos, space to upload more of her wonderful music (seeing as her pop career is something of a nonstop rollercoaster right now) or something like that, surely. It is shocking that Paris didn’t let MTV find her a new boyfriend, mind.

What makes the story all the more shocking is that neither Paris nor Chris have updated their profiles to show they are single, with each still involved in a relationship and a marriage (though separated), respectively. Guys – go to your profile, click on edit then change the information accordingly – come on, you shouldn’t be leading people astray like this.

At least if it were Facebook you could change it to ‘It’s Complicated’, which would suit perfectly.

Yes, in the world of celebrity it’s always good to keep a low profile if you’re sneaking about behind your other halves’ backs. So what better way to go about it than to go to some high-profile parties, be filmed and photographed together at them then let the evidence be uploaded to all websites in the world?

Hecklerspray thinks there may be a better way – there may be a number of better ways – but we can’t think right now. We’re too busy cruising MySpace for some honeys. Surely if you can get Paris Hilton through the site then you can also get a woman actually worth getting?

Though, to be honest, if Hilton does end up President of the US then she would at least have some point to her… decisions, decisions.

It would seem that Paris isn’t exactly pushing for the core demographic when it comes to the voting public, instead focusing her campaign trail on the numerous parties that DeWolfe has been hosting. While she may be able to schmooze her way to popularity at these events, a few hundred votes or so surely aren’t enough to grab her the presidency, are they? Though with voter apathy at its current levels, anything is possible.

On the other hand, this could be something of a power play by Chris DeWolfe. He has seen his MySpace empire lose its grasp on the world of social networking and may well want to re-assert himself and the site in a very public fashion.

By being the First Man of the US, he would surely have President Paris’ ear and be able to push for the XXVIII Amendment: ‘The right for Facebook to be banned and every American to have to have a MySpace account. Or they will be shot, thanks to the II Amendment’.

Stranger things have happened.

Needless to say, hecklerspray will be following this story to see if anything worthwhile comes of it. You never know what nasty comments a jilted lover could leave on MySpace, after all.

As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn’t bad enough, now the media feels compelled to report on the fact that two 15-year-olds used to go out with each other. For a bit. And young Hannah Montana has gone and told us all about it. And hecklerspray apparently feels the need to talk about it.

If there was an ounce of dignity left in the world, this ‘news’ is surely the swansong for that poor little blighter. It never stood a chance.

Yet there it is, splashed all over the entertainment press: “Miley Cyrus: Breaking Up With Nick Jonas Was Hard” or the much more tempting: “Miley Cyrus: ‘Maybe I’ll End Up Marrying Nick Jonas’” – every publication getting in its own two cents on the matter, covering a two year relationship between two very young teenagers.

And this is news. That people want to read.

Can someone wake us up from the medically-enforced coma we’re about to put ourselves in when the world stops being so clinically insane, thanks.

You can understand the thinking behind the story when you go to its source – it comes from a magazine called ‘Seventeen’, the type aimed at young teenage girls. Miley Cyrus is sure to be something of a hero to these girls and her talking about a relationship she was in – one that went wrong no less – is sure to give her kudos with the whole ‘relatability’ angle. Fair enough.

There was even a quote from Miley herself talking about it, and it’s just as flowing and eloquent as you would expect from a tweeny prat like her:

“[Nick and I] became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met. He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful and I really like you.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I like you so much.’”

If that’s not enough pure, distilled fact in your face for you then don’t worry – she went on:

“Nick and I loved each other. We still do, but we were in love with each other. For two years he was basically my 24/7. But it was really hard to keep it from people. We were arguing a lot, and it really wasn’t fun.”

Why in the name of all that isn’t awful in this world (an ever-decreasing amount of things) does she think she’s anything other than just a kid? Why is she spouting pseudo-psychological bullshit akin to that coming from a 35-year-old career divorcee? Why can’t she just shut up and get on with her dancing?

And, probably most importantly: why in the name of all that is considered right, moral and not-at-all-stupid-and-pointless was this re-reported on anything approaching the ‘adult’ media? Surely anyone that actually wants to read this stuff is a little bit weird, and probably the kind of person that shouldn’t be allowed to look at kids in the first place?

But hey – as always, we can’t blame the media, because it’s the plebs out there that shape the way they report, and if there weren’t a market for it, they sure as hell wouldn’t print it.

It appears to be yet another pile of this overbearing cynicism that was all too apparent in the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt kid’s photos story, and frankly it annoys us this early in the morning.

Hopefully we can go back to some light-hearted character assassination later today, but for now hecklerspray will just sit, stewing, trying to hold back the chunks of bile-encrusted rage-vomit from hitting the screen or staining the desk.

Oh, and: good morning!

Jessica Simpson doesn't seem to think so, because she's slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it's all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they've split up.

Let's hope that Jessica Simpson isn't just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because 'Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She's Sad And So, So Alone' is a headline that we're itching to use, you know.

Jessica Simpson doesn't have a whole lot going for her at the moment. Her reality TV show career crumbled around the same time that her marriage to Nick Lachey did, her movie career will live or die depending on how soon she's prepared to bite the bullet and slap her hooters out and musically she's been reduced to releasing Come On Over, a opportunistic country single that we presume to be about Bukkake. Even her rubbish sister is more famous than she is now.

But one thing Jessica Simpson does have is Tony Romo. She has him no matter what, because he sees the real Jessica Simpson. It doesn't matter how many curses Jessica puts on Tony's sporting career, how noxious Jessica's piss gets or how many times Tony tries to actively split up with Jessica in public forever – Jessica Simpson isn't going to let go of him, no matter how hard he tries to wriggle away.

And this glorious devotion was on prominent display when Jessica Simpson visited The View recently. Perhaps aware that her jaw is now growing exponentially in proportion to the rest of her face, the View ladies asked Jessica if she had any plans to lock Tony down as a husband before the jaw got so unwieldy that it started to upset her centre of gravity. We're paraphrasing.

Anyway, here's how Jessica Simpson answered:

"You know, we're still together. We've been together seven, almost eight months now, and I don't really know about wedding bells. But I still love him, and I'm still with him — and that's pretty good sign!"

So that relentless stream of reports about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo splitting up must be a dirty sack of lies, then. Still, even if they are still together Jessica Simpson must know only too well that 'I'm still with him and that's a pretty good sign' is nowhere near good enough. Who'll give her a reality TV show with that sort of inconclusive relationship status? Nobody, that's who.

If Jessica Simpson is serious about this relationship, she knows what she'll have to do – lie about her contraception and hope that the ensuing pregnancy will coax Tony Romo into a shame-based marriage proposal. Shotgun weddings are the Simpson family way, after all.