Who knew that this face was capable of loving any one man, never mind two? Kristen Stewart is a massive whore, it seems, enraging Twihards everywhere (including Youtube user Nuttymadam, who is, well, a nutty madam). Not content with sleeping with quiffed strong, silent dreamboat Robert Pattinson, Stewart decided she needed to also get friendly with director Rupert Sanders.
Of course, no good comes from cheating. But there’s a small glimmer of hope to be found in the sordid situation. It turns out that Kristen Stewart isn’t in fact a soulless, smile-free dummy whose job it is to brood and look depressed on celluloid and red carpets. She’s someone capable of romantic feelings – she has so many feelings that she couldn’t just share them with one person! (Which is in itself a little scuzzy, but frankly we didn’t know she had it in her so it’s impressive nonetheless.)
It all starts to make sense, though. We’d spent years looking at the standard Kristen Stewart face: emotionless, bland and sad. Then the past month or so we’d seen her baring her teeth – and not in an aggressive way either. Could it be that the great statuesque Stewart was actually feeling human emotions? It seems that yes, she was – and she’d found not just one outlet for them. We aren’t saying that Kristen Stewart is a slag, but most people wouldn’t go from feeling nothing to cheating on the object of millions of teenage girls’ desires with a guy who spends all his waking hours planning out shots for films. It’s just a poor decision all around.
But just as a comet only comes by once every umpteen years, showing you its flashing red tail and pretty sparks, so Stewart’s happy phase only lasted a mere moment. Like a rare wilderbeest, there were some faint paparazzi photos snatched in a split second of her smiling. Then suddenly the Rupert Sanders affair happens and we’re back to gloomy old Bella traipsing around town, looking all glum.
Still, if her letter of public apology to R-Patz is anything to go by, then she is actually repentant and capable of human emotions and not a cyborg sent from the depths of Planet Boring.
I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.
Just imagine her breathless and emoting like she was taught at stage school in the middle of a forest in front of a guy who has taken his shirt off and you’re probably in about the right area. Who knows? Maybe EL James can write some terrible fan fiction about a cheating submissive who gets caught with an older man. Christian Grey can then huff off, move out of their mansion and find someone else who is equally vapid. I’m calling it now: Fifty Shades of Grey will have a fourth part.
BeanoMark says
You’re back! Wahay! Best news all century!
rider says
where have you been?
Mangosta says
I’m doing a little mongoose dance of joy :D
Cookie Monster says
Removed the dates on postings for a little continuity warping, I see. Nary a post to say something like, “Hello, shitheads, we were gone, now we’re not; is MJ still dead?”. Same old heckle-foaming bastards, all around. Some nice little tweaks to the the layout, though it somehow all seems a bit… I dunno, big, maybe. Stuart is still gone (obligatory *sniff*). Moff’s still head sprayer (obligatory *snort*).
I suppose I should form some sort of comment on this post, but K-Stewed is totes dead to me since cheating on R-Patzy, and so I simply can’t bring myself to do it on account of the tears and skyward shaking fists. The harlot! Perhaps I shall simply point-out that even a permanently grimacing blow-up doll will soon see multiple partners if placed on the right street corner in Bangkok or Hollywood.
Carrie says
I disagree. She is still soulless. She doesn’t “love” two men. She feels nothing & is trying to fill the emptiness inside. She’s probably just a Borderline, lying you-know-what.