Wait, what? This isn’t a story about Lindsay Lohan? This is actually a story about Kelly Osbourne? But the arrest-inspired rehab visit is Lindsay Lohan’s idea! Why is Kelly Osbourne trying to copy Lindsay Lohan so much? What else of Lindsay’s is Kelly going to copy? Her halfhearted music career? Good christ, she’s even done that! What’s wrong with the girl?

Basically, Kelly Osbourne has checked into rehab for the next 30 days. We didn’t know pastry could be so addictive.

As a radio agony aunt, Kelly Osbourne holds the key to all kinds of different – yet equally universal – problems. For instance, we’ve all been in the situation where a national newspaper has printed a story claiming that a loved one doesn’t know what an earthquake is – that’s just a normal part of growing up. But what should you do in that scenario?

Kelly Osbourne knows – she thinks you should march up to the journalist who wrote the story and thump them in the face in front of several people until you’re arrested. It seems to work quite well, but only if you’re under the influence or drugs or drink or ‘personal problems’ or whatever the hell is up with Kelly Osbourne at the moment.

You see, just days after her arrest Kelly Osbourne has decided to check into a rehab facility. Which would normally be a fairly responsible thing to so, except Kelly didn’t think it through – by going into rehab, Kelly’s left Sharon Osbourne to talk on her behalf, and that’s never a good idea. Sharon told RadarOnline:

“Yeah, Kelly’s in rehab. What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point, and we’re proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she’s getting it. … We just pray that everything’s going to be okay… This is one of the absolute worst things a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab.”

But what could have caused this horrible downward spiral that led to Kelly Osbourne going to rehab? It’s hard to say. But, as Sharon Osbourne said, this isn’t the first time that she’s been to rehab. The first time came while Kelly was filming the TV show The Osbournes with her entire family almost five years ago. And now it’s happened again, just as Kelly was starting to film the new TV show The Osbournes Reloaded with her entire family.

No, we can’t see the connection either.

Going to rehab will be a shocking wake-up call for Kelly Osbourne – even if we read the visual clues and decide that she’s probably hooked on the contents of Morrison’s bakery aisle, breaking an addiction can be hard. We just pray that it jolts the rest of the Osbourne family into looking at their own problems, too.

Primarily Jack Osbourne. He’s been hanging out with Craig David far too much lately. There’s only so much Craig David that normal human beings can take before they lose their minds forever. We’re worried for the boy.

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Because Amy Winehouse isn’t going to be ill and close to death and alone any more – she’s going to be ill and close to death with Blake Fielder-Civil, her hat-wearing berk of a husband who was released from jail yesterday, where he’d been since getting arrested for smashing a man’s face in with his feet and then lying about it.

But don’t expect a happy reunion between Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil just yet – after leaving prison, Blake went directly to rehab alone, where he’ll either be treated for substance abuse or violent shower-room bumming depending on how well his sentence went.

Hear that noise? Listen, it’s beautiful. It’s the sound of Amy Winehouse not staggering around bellowing “BLAAAAAAAAAYKE!” at the top of her voice every three or four seconds. It’s also the sound of Amy Winehouse not altering every single word of every one her songs so she can hamfistedly cram in as many goonish references to her jailed husband as possible. Like we said, it’s beautiful.

Ever since Blake Fielder-Civil was arrested almost a year ago, he’s been kept in jail. And, as a result, Amy Winehouse’s life has astonishingly managed to get even worse than it was before. She’s been seen staggering around on the streets, she’s started fights with everyone from strangers in pubs to her own audience, she’s developed chronic lung diseases and, worst of all, she’s probably slept with a man who looks like Little Ben from EastEnders. All of which have been soundtracked by a cry of “BLAAAAYKE!” that sounds like a dying elk straining for a poo.

But that ends now, because now Blake Fielder-Civil has been released from jail, meaning that Amy Winehouse can be reunited with him once again. Well, we say ‘reunited’, but that’ll be a bit difficult given that Blake has had to go directly to a court-stipulated rehab stint and Amy is possibly still in a clinic being treated for a chest infection.

However, a little thing like not being able to see his wife isn’t going to stop Blake from being happy about his release, as E! Online reports:

[Amy's] absence did seem to dampen the spirits of her 26-year-old spouse, who began serving time almost a year ago to the day after assaulting a pub owner and then attempting to pay off a witness. He did, however, seem a bit worse for wear. In addition to a massive grin, Fielder-Civil was sporting red scratches on his arms and a chipped front tooth when he exited the Suffolk facility.

Normally we’d suggest that Blake should get himself to a dermatologist and a dentist quicksmart in order to look his best for his emotional reunion with his wife but, given that Amy Winehouse is now a wheezing old woman with sores all over her face, he probably shouldn’t worry about making too much of an effort at the moment.

Instead, the most important thing for Blake Fielder-Civil to do is try to put the last year of his life behind him and focus on the reason he’s in rehab. After all, the world has changed a lot in the last year, and it’ll take time for him to settle back into life on the outside.

Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. The world hasn’t really changed much in the last year. It still thinks he’s a tit, for instance.

But relax, because now comes the news we’ve all been waiting for – David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido.

It still hasn’t been made clear what form David Duchovny’s sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he’s had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won’t be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that’s for sure.

It’s easy to mock David Duchovny for his sex addiction, but that’s only because we don’t know the pain that a sex addiction can cause. Imagine it – a constant string of guilt-free casual sex with hundreds of willing young girls hypnotised by your fame and wealth. God, that sounds bloody terrible. If that was us we’d probably shoot our own face off.

And this living nightmare is precisely why David Duchovny sought treatment for his sex addiction. Well, that or because his wife either found him having sex with another woman or slapping his little acorn until it blistered to a fanny-coloured pixel-orgy on the internet.

Whatever the cause, David Duchovny has essentially given the world a mental image of his bright-red screwed-up face bearing down a couple of inches away from a girl’s face while his bottom pumps away at her like a horrible slappy flesh machine, and for that he owes us all a heavy debt.

But that’s all in the past. The old sweaty-nippled cock monster David Duchovny, the one who couldn’t pass a girl in the street without hammering his foot on the ground until steam came out of his ears, has been replaced by a new David Duchovny – one who may as well be a monk or something. Reuters reports:

In a statement on Monday, [Duchovny's attorney] Stanton said Duchovny “has successfully completed rehabilitation. He is out and will very soon begin work on his new movie,” Stanton said. Stein declined to say where the actor had been treated or when he left the center.

Phew. This is certainly good news for everyone involved. Duchovny’s wife Tea Leoni has reigned in her husband’s worst excesses, David Duchovny’s future co-stars can go to work knowing that they’ll never have their concentration broken by the sight of a middle-aged man trying to hammer his erect penis through the letterbox in their trailer, and – best of all – David Duchovny gets to transfer his addictive personality onto something less harmful, like heroin or infanticide.

God knows where this leaves Californication, though. Surely starring in a TV show about a renowned sex addict will only hinder David Duchovny’s continued recovery. Maybe David should think about making a new show that better reflects his current situation – maybe, say, one about a frustrated writer who can’t walk down the street without everyone around him collapsing in fits of laughter because he can’t control his funny little todger.

Unless, it appears, you’re David Duchovny. Although he’s currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or… or…

Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration’s too good for him. David Duchovny, you’re a big fat embarrassment to mankind.

OK, now we feel bad. Last week, when we reported that David Duchovny was a sex addict, we took precisely the wrong tone with him. You see, we assumed that David Duchovny was addicted to having sex with loads of different women. Sadly that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Reports are now suggesting that David Duchovny has always managed to remain faithful to his wife Tea Leoni. Like this one, from Fox News:

Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

Yes, that’s right – David Duchovny has all the guilt and earache of a sex addict, but none of the spine-tingling pleasure that comes from having the promiscuous sexual appetite of a voracious sex addict. In short, David Duchovny genuinely couldn’t have it any worse than he has now.

Plus, just for good luck, now the whole world knows what a dirty little bastard David Duchovny really is. Dirty boy, David Duchovny. Dirty boy. I Want To Believe? I Want To Believe You’re Not Secretly Tugging Yourself Off Everytime You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets, more like. Dirty boy. Urgh.

Anyway, what the Fox reports implies is that David Duchovny has an addiction to internet porn. If this is true then that’s even more tragic – rather than a sex addiction, Duchovny has an addiction to looking at some jiggly pixels shaped liked tits and then joylessly wiping the manmuck off his belly with a Kleenex a couple of minutes afterwards. That’s much less fun – and think of his carbon footprint, too.

If any of this sounds familiar then it’s probably because of Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook, who was found to spend $3,000 a month on internet porn. Maybe David Duchovny and Peter Cook should meet up, because they’d probably be able to provide help and support to each other during their difficult recoveries.

Or they’d just spend hours discussing whether it’s better to jizz in your pants to a video of lesbian Asian schoolgirls or a live webcam of a pregnant midget fingering herself. Either way, they should probably avoid shaking hands with each other first time they meet.

But, no, maybe it’s best that David Duchovny continues with his traditional sex addiction rehab course. We’re not sure what that entails, obviously – we’re assuming a burly nurse with an electric cattle prod waggles some copies of Hot Jug Housewives around and dares you to have a wank, but that’s just a guess.

Dirty boy, Duchovny. Urgh.

Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can’t fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life’s obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he’s a long-term sex addict and that he’s seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for.

Also – David Duchovny’s a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.

Addiction isn’t a funny thing. Countless lives over the years have been ravaged by a biological and cerebral enslavement to drugs, gambling, smoking and alcohol. No, an addiction is something that should never be treated with anything less than the utmost sensitivity.

Except for when David Duchovny suddenly decides that he’s got a sex addiction, in which case everyone’s allowed to take the piss out of the ridiculous randy old idiot and his uncontrollable todger.

You see, David Duchovny hasn’t got one of those normal sex addictions where you have sex a lot and enjoy it – he’s got one of those dreadful sex addictions where you have sex so much that you hate every single grotty second of it but remain compelled to keep having sex all the time even though it’s killing you on the inside.

Or he’s got one of those sex addictions where your wife catches you having it off with another woman and you have to pretend that it’s not your fault and you’re the real victim in all of this. We simply just don’t know, but it’s probably one of those two things.

Anyway, here’s how David Duchovny broke the shocking news of his absolutely genuine sex addiction -  which is a real thing that actually exists – to the world:

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Well since you asked so nicely David we’ll absolutely respect your privacy, you great big honking dirty-dicked, sweaty-balled minge-chasing, bum-sniffing pork swordsman pervert. Respect is the absolute least you deserve from us.

Fingers crossed that David Duchovny’s stint in rehab will be a brief one, and that he’ll be able to overcome his sex addiction with enough speed and grace to allow him to return to his loving family and his TV show Californication about a, oh, about a hopeless sex addict. Good luck with that, David. That doesn’t sound counterproductive in the slightest.

Still, at least we know why Billy Connolly’s eyes were bleeding in the trailer for The X-Files 2. It’s probably because David Duchovny kept trying to put it up his bum.

Although obviously we don’t say say that with enough certainty to let anyone sue us for it. Just so we’re all clear.

For once we decided not to leave ourselves open for getting something wrong and remembered that you can’t physically get hold of this new tune from the UK’s worst drug-taking band, Keane.

Unless you’re one of those posh industry types, this song is unavailable to buy on CD, vinyl or even from one of those fancy digital downloading services. Though we assume it’s on file sharing sites alongside the mis-titled new Elvis and Frank Sinatra album.

Usually we don’t bother telling you how awesome or shoddy a single is, but seeing as it’s free release that didn’t get that much publicity compared to other free downloads, offered by the likes of Radiohead and Sigur Ros, we thought we’d make you aware. Spiralling is taken from Keane’s yet to be released (but probably available illegally on the internet) third album Perfect Symmetry.

Gone are the earlier vocals of fatter-looking lead man Tom Chaplin, who previously sounded like a choir boy whose angelic vocals had crashed head on with him breaking into puberty. 2008 sees a different and experimental sounding vocal style – maybe it was the cocaine, we don’t know, but he seems to be taking on a bit more of an aggressive edge to his singing style. Gone is the quite timid whimper that was sometimes a bit awkward to listen to, but still delighted thousands of Radio 2 listeners.

When trying to work out the reason for this change, it may not be down to him snorting cocaine off the arsecrack of a model. Tom may have been given peppermint tea before the vocal take instead of mint tea. It would piss us off, that’s for sure.

Following strange lyrics from Feeder and their single We Are The People, Keane have managed to arrange the lyrics into questions for fans to answer. Hooray for interactive fun! Instead of the song breaking down and building back up again as per usual we are instead hit with a barrage of questions. Don’t worry, they won’t fry your brain – Chaplin asks if we want to:

“Be a winner, Be an icon, Be Famous, Be the President, Start a war, Have a family, Be in love.”

Because we’re nice, we’ll give you the answers:

“We already are – ask Alan Mcgee, only if it involves free things off PR people, only if we didn’t have to campaign for a year, no – because we struggle to even start a computer up sometimes, we are one happy family and yes – but not with the people from Keane.”

The lyrics are a bit too kooky for a band as commercial as Keane, and they would work better coming from some pissed off communist rapper who is integrating you through his lyrics and why you are a sucker to globalisation.

Not from a posh podgy boy and his mates whose idea of fun on a Friday night is ringing doorbells and running away whilst laughing like people who’ve just seen a pair of tits for the first time.

So what about the music? Well the two bods who no-one seem to know about are still performing. Richard Hughes still bangs the drums and Tim Rice-Oxley is still on the keyboard.

After two albums of just using the boring piano and not even altering the pitch Rice-Oxley has discovered the effects button and decided to jazz things up a bit. Sadly this new direction of incorporating diluted electronic sounds and vocal tweaks doesn’t work.

At best the song sounds like a shoddy remix using the successful song formula that Keane constantly used with songs such Somewhere Only We Know and Everybody’s Changing. With so much free music software for bedroom producers to use, it really just sounds like someone has attempted to remix the older tracks and failed badly.

Oh, and let’s not forget that the daring leap of going hip and copying the dying trend of indie bands with synthesizers simply falls flat on its arse. As this is a free release, we can only hope that the real version suddenly appears and those crazy Keane boys have pulled an early April fool on us, or it’s never going to be anything more that poor.

Still, it’s only a free download. If you don’t like it, e-mail the song around as one of those crap joke chain messages. Title it as “best thing you’ll ever hear” before deleting the song off of your computer and freeing up the space it took up for porn or a better sounding track.

There are a lot available. Trust us.

So no wonder Ronnie Wood has decided to check into rehab. After flying back to apologise for his exploits to his long-suffering wife, Ronnie has checked into a clinic to beat his drinking problem once and for all.

It sounds like a great idea, except that Ronnie Wood went to rehab to beat his drinking problem once and for all last month too, and that just made him run off to Ireland to get drunk with an unusually young Russian girl that he met in a sex club. So rehab is a brave move, because if the pattern holds he’ll be mainlining heroin with a three-year-old Serbian toddler by the end of the month.

The 12-step alcohol recovery process is a long and complex procedure that requires dedication and mental strength. This is something that Ronnie Wood knows only too well, because he’s just checked in for what’s believed to be his eleventh stint in rehab.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out why – for a week newspapers have been full of stories about Ronnie Wood’s boozy jaunt to Ireland with 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina Ivanova, much to the alarm of his wife and kids.

Apparently Ronnie Wood was knocking back two bottles of vodka a day during this time, which sounds like a dangerous quantity but is actually just the right amount to calm Ronnie’s nerves after he catches a glimpse of his own terrifyingly gaunt vulture face poking out from under his godawful haircut in the mirror.

Anyway, Ronnie’s son Jesse recently flew out to Ireland to persuade his dad to see sense, and it seems like it’s worked – not only has Ronnie Wood vowed to save his marriage but he’s also checked into rehab for good, as The Independent reports:

In a statement, Wood’s spokeswoman said the rocker was being helped by those closest to him in an attempt to end his alcoholism once and for all. She added: “Following Ronnie’s continued battle with alcohol, he has entered a period of rehab. His close family and friends say he is seeking help and look forward to his recovery.”

While Ronnie Wood is in rehab he’ll also be treated for his addiction to Russian sex club waitresses young enough to be his granddaughter. It’s unknown what form this treatment will take, although it’s assumed that it’ll partially involves being strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange-style while library footage of the 1984 Soviet Olympic female track and field squad’s warm-up routine is beamed into his eyes in horrifying slow motion.

There’s a good chance that, finally, this shot at rehab will stick for Ronnie Wood and he’ll manage to live the rest of his life in a perfectly sober state. It’s unlikely, though, isn’t it? They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you have any hope of recovering, and spending a week in bed with a pretty Russian girl who’s probably good at sex to a professional degree hardly sounds like rock bottom.

Fingers crossed that next time Ronnie Wood runs off to spend a week in bed with someone it’s Jodie Marsh. That’d be rock bottom enough for anyone. It might be Ronnie’s only hope, in fact.

Can’t do it, can you? That’s because there are only two interesting things about Eva Mendes – her boobs and that time she went to rehab. And it’s a good job that Eva Mendes enjoys getting her boobs out so frequently, because she’s buggered if she’s telling us anything about rehab.

In the latest issue of Interview magazine, Eva Mendes has decided to ‘neither confirm nor deny’ rumours about why she checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility earlier this year. One rumour, possibly started by Eva herself, is that she only went to rehab to research a role. We’ll see how true that is once we’ve worked out whether her next film is about a dreary old self-absorbed tosspot ot not.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to suspect that celebrities only go to rehab so that they can yammer on and on and on about that time they went to rehab for months and months afterwards.

And the best thing about this theory – other than it being undeniably true – is that the celebrities all have completely individual ways of it. Some apologise to fans on the internet, some quickly deny that anything was wrong with the in them first place, and if you’re really lucky you might get an explanation in the form of Lohan tit-semaphore.

But, anyway, the formula’s becoming so worn lately that we’re all getting a bit bored of having to listen to these egomaniac celebrities drawing attention to themselves by explaining why they ended up in rehab. So hats off to Eva Mendes – she’s decided to draw attention to herself by not explaining why she ended up in rehab.

Earlier this year you’ll remember that Eva Mendes suddenly went to rehab. It was a shock to hear about, because usually the only celebrities who go to rehab are the ones with out of control personalities, as opposed to no discernible personalities whatsoever.

But why did Eva Mendes go to rehab? Was it personal problems, as the official statement suggested at the time? Substance abuse problems? An addiction to starring in bad Nicolas Cage films? Well guess what – you’re never going to know. Eva Mendes is a notoriously private person and she dislikes revealing anything about herself, as she told Interview magazine in the giant interview that accompanied the enormous close-up covershoot she did for it:

“There are so many lies out there regarding my recent trip to Cirque Lodge. But I don’t care what people think. I just don’t care. So I will neither confirm or deny… You want it to be a lie, because when it’s true, that’s when I’d be like, ‘Oh, my God!’ It’s time to rethink who’s in your circle, because stuff got out.”

What? That’s no fun! Come on Eva Mendes, either confirm or deny that you went to rehab! We need to know, because we’ve invested in your career as an actress, and if you’re not honest with us we’ll be less inclined to believe your portrayal of Lead Generic Latina Slapper in whatever the hell your next film is. It’s your duty!

By which we mean that Steve-O is smart enough to plead guilty to cocaine possession after he filmed himself smashing up his neighbour’s house on drugs and then blogged extensively about his battle to the same drugs.

As a result of his guilty plea, it’s been announced that Steve-O’s only punishment for his March drug bust will be the rehab stint that he’s already partially through. And now that he’s clean, Steve-O knows that next time he staples his nuts to his leg it’ll be out of genuine mental dysfunction or self-loathing rather than drug addiction. Three cheers!

You know, we’re still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that Steve-O, the Jackass star famous for putting leeches on his eyeball, swimming in sewage and ramming fireworks up his bum, may have issues with drugs. Apparently the signs were there, but you have to admit he kept them well-hidden.

However, any problems that Steve-O may have had with drugs are firmly in the past now. And Steve-O isn’t one of those pussies who run away to rehab at the first sign of trouble – no, Steve-O decided to kick drugs by appearing in public in an increasingly inebriated state, then getting arrested for trashing his neighbour’s apartment while wankered on drugs with shitloads of cocaine on him, then getting admitted into a mental hospital and then going to rehab. That’s the man’s way.

And it’s Steve-O’s dedication to trying to kick his drug habit that’s spared him from serious punishment in court. E! Online reports:

To hear him tell it, Steve-O’s days of jackassery are behind him and he’s ready for a clean—and sober—slate. The thrill-seeking former MTV star entered a guilty plea today in Los Angeles to a cocaine-possession charge, announcing to the court that he “found God” and has been sober for 85 days. Attorney Barry Gerald Sands tells E! News that because of his client’s commitment and time in rehab, judgment was deferred upon successful completion of his treatment program.

What? Steve-O has found God? What was God doing in rehab? That’s not very encouraging.

But it is timely – tying your penis to a firework and deliberately giving your own mouth papercuts probably isn’t as much fun when you’re not spazzed off your munch on drugs, so it’s just as well that Steve-O has found religion. At worst he’ll be a super christian ambassador for troubled youngsters, and at best Jackass 3 is going to have a wicked awesome crucifixion stunt in it.

That’s assuming that Steve-O joins the clergy, of course – the world is full of suitable positions for mentally-ill drug addicts who polevault into human shit for a living. Ah, no, wait – he’s already done Celebrity Love Island, hasn’t he? Clergy it is, then.

Today’s word: depressed. Adjective.

1. Sad, gloomy; dejected; downcast.

2. Being or measured below the standard or norm.

3. The reason you say you went to rehab, but everyone probably knows you’re a bit of a drunkard because there’s always loads of pictures of you stumbling out of clubs and parties pretty trashed.

Now, try to apply the correct definition to the following statement: Kirsten Dunst has publicly announced that her recent trip to rehab was because she was depressed.

And yes, the correct answer is ‘all of the above’.

Okay, okay. We’ve all had our share of good times poking fun at, well, everything to be perfectly honest, but right now we mean in regards to Kirsten Dunst. Not just about Kirsten Dunst being annoying and willowy and make you long for fingernails being dragged slowly across a chalkboard as opposed to enduring her movie roles, but also about catching the packed celebrity charter bus to rehab at Cirque Lodge in Utah back in February of this year.

But it’s time to stop calling Kirsten Drunk a dunst…or Kirsten Dunst a drunk, or whatever, okay? She didn’t go there because she was addicted alcohol or drugs, or anything. She went there because she was depressed. A sellout/source close to Kirsten had this to say to People:

“She does drink and she does have wild nights, but that was never the root of her issues. She couldn’t control her depression.”

Hey, we can’t say that we blame Kirsten. The woman did have to kiss perpetually semi-pubescent Tobey Maguire in those Spider-Man movies. Jeesh, that has us reaching for the Prozac just thinking about it. But let’s look at Kirsten’s personal statement on the issue as told to E! Online:

“I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it… Now that I’m feeling stronger, I was prepared to say something … Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

Not to be gossiped about. Whoops. Looks like we blew that one right nice, now didn’t we.

The latest gossip flying around? That Amy is being shipped off to Barzilai Medical Centre, Israel – a fresh attempt to wean her off those lovely narcotics by plunging her into a $12,800 course of ‘’short, intensive and effective treatment”. Presumably, involving a room full of people with actual real-life problems yelling “oh, just pull yourself together, you self-obsessed stupid bint”.

Alas, this seems to be dredged from the same unreliable story mill as everything else. Chris Goodman, a spokesman for Amy, babbled thus:

“These are just old rumors. She’s going back in the studio and has absolutely no plans to go abroad for treatment.”

Maybe the reason that Ms. Winehouse seems so reticent to scurry off to a magic get-well clinic is that song. After all, once you’ve belted out the words “they tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no, no, no,” any actions deemed the opposite may be seen as selling out your principles.

In that spirit, then, we sincerely hope to see a new album soon, the tracks of which are named after promises that Amy can definitely keep. Hits include I Am Most Certainly A Bit Of A Mess And Am Popping Down To The Doctor, I Really Should Stop Wearing That Smeared Silly Eye Make-Up and Married To A Twat (That’s What I Am).

It’ll be on the shelves the same day as Katie Melua’s Boring As Hell Yet At Least Physically Attractive.

Read more:

Winehouse Denies Israel Rehab Trip - IMDB

Not the kind of smoking you’re thinking though – we mean we literally smoked them like the skins of a rotisserie chicken. Our intent was to capture a cool smokey aroma in every meal those cats ever ate. It’d be an understatement if we said our efforts went unappreciated, except for Fluffy.

He ate those skinned, savory rat skins by the dozen – he really couldn’t stop himself. After a while he killed and smoked every rat within a 16 block radius. When they were all gone neighborhood babies began to disappear. Now we’re not making any allegations here, but when we killed and smoked Fluffy cribs were just as full in the morning as they’d been the night before.

We do mean literally there, though, about smoking Fluffy. We wrapped him in a hand towel and twisted it shut at both ends. Our lungs probably have an inch of litter box in them. It’s because that cat pooped alot, it’s the price he paid. Steven Tyler can relate to this very real tale of Fluffy’s substance abuse.

Well that’s what his new rehab centre might tell us anyway.

When most people think of Aerosmith, they most likely want their late 80s album money back. Also they probably think Steven Tyler’s microphone would be a convenient place to need a nose blow.

And speaking of that Tyler guy – he’s had a string of bad luck, hasn’t he? He had a surgery that jacked-up his tour schedule, he’s like a sponge that soaks up nothing but hepatitis C, and his daughter is recently leaving the husband that Steve may or may not have enjoyed supporting financially.

And now he’s gone and locked himself in a rehab clinic. According TMZ:

“Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, 60, has checked himself into Las Encinas Hospital drug rehabilitation clinic — the place Dr. Drew practices — in Pasadena, Calif. It’s the same facility where the reality show “Celebrity Rehab” was filmed. Tyler is getting treatment for substance abuse.”

We don’t think Tyler will actually appear on Celebrity Rehab, but if he does we hope it’s with a freshly shaved head and a penchant for running down the halls claiming to be directly descended from Beelzebub. Hey – we all know it’s true, and if you play all his records backwards in alphabetical order you’ll see exactly what we mean.

Also if you cue it with the third lion roar at the beginning of The Wizard Of Oz you’ll see Aerosmith’s entire catalogue is an exact soundtrack to it.

Seriously – just you go look.

Read More:

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler Checks Into Rehab Facility: Report – MTV.Com

And now, just for any latecomers who didn't know they even cared about it, Lindsay Lohan has started spouting off about her stints in rehab again.

Lindsay Lohan has told People that all her problems stemmed from putting herself in the wrong situations, and that she's changed her life as a result. Incidentally, Lindsay Lohan told People this at photo exhibition – so it's pleasing to see that she's swapped wrong situations for shit ones full of wankers with made-up names.

For the last few months we've been calling 2008 Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex for the way that she's been blasting through men with the dogged determination of a policeman walking along a seafront on a windy day trying to stop his helmet blowing off. But we have a small admission to make.

This isn't Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex at all – this is Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex In Conjunction With Lindsay Lohan's Decade Of Monomaniacal Self-Absorption. We didn't give you the full title. Sorry. You see, Lindsay Lohan went to rehab last year. She'll never recover from her addictions, but she has figured out a nifty workaround – every time Lindsay Lohan wants to fill her trousers with cocaine and drive like an idiot, she'll just blab off a toe-curling anecdote about herself to a magazine instead.

Already this year we've heard how Lindsay Lohan knows where her own head is and how she blames work for all her problems, and now she's decided to open even further to People magazine by basically regurgitating the least interesting parts of the other two interviews and squodging them together to make something so devoid of interest that we get the feeling that People was actually talking to an auto-response vending machine that just looks a bit like Lindsay Lohan:

"I think it was just situations that I was putting myself in," she told PEOPLE at a photo exhibit last week at N.Y.C.'s The Atelier. "I was putting myself in the wrong situations and I didn't have the focus in the right place." Since leaving, Lohan, 21, said she's rid herself of bad influences and hangers-on. "I did – I changed things," she insisted. "My family has always been important to me, and they've always supported me," said Lohan, who reunited with her estranged dad, Michael, while in rehab. "I'm blessed to have a really wonderful family."  

Actually, we're being a little hard on Lindsay Lohan here – as well as droning on like someone with a hefty overestimation of their own importance, Lindsay also revealed that her months of unemployment are coming to an end. According to the report, Lindsay Lohan is working hard on her new album – alleged to have a soul-destroying hip-hop 'flava' – plus she's also about to start filming a new Jack Black comedy.

Obviously logic dictates that, now Lindsay's got her tits out for a magazine, this'll be a Jack Black comedy that'll get released straight to DVD and contain all kinds of awful Lohan/Black love scenes that are accompanied by sub-Kenny G smooth saxophone jazz. And, if so, it'll still be better than Georgia Rule.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan: I Put Myself in 'Wrong Situations' - People

That's right, Lindsay Lohan has done a magazine interview all about the impossible darkness of her last 12 months.

It's an important interview because it marks the first time that Lindsay Lohan has publicly prattled on about herself in, ooh, roughly about six or seven minutes. Plus she's kept her clothes on for this one, so your retinas aren't as likely to snap off and run for freedom this time.

It's incredible what you can make celebrities talk about when they've got something to promote. For instance, wait until Halle Berry's got a film out and she'll happily tell you that she tried to kill herself once, while Hillary Swank is only to pleased to sell out the intensely private reasons behind the break-up of her eight-year marriage if you'd consider going to see The Black Dahlia. And so to Lindsay Lohan, who's decided to dissect her troubled year of arrests and addiction and rehab to help promote her new movie entitled…

Oh wait. Lindsay Lohan doesn't have a new film out. Lindsay Lohan's got nothing to promote, because movie producers are worried that if they hire Lindsay Lohan, then a) their movie will be a shoo-in for some Razzies and b) a week into filming Lindsay Lohan will crash her car loaded up on cocaine, get arrested, spend nine months in rehab and repeat that pattern six or seven times until you're left with something as flat-out horrible as Georgia Rule.

So Lindsay Lohan has nothing whatsoever to promote, and yet you can't go anywhere any more without hearing Lindsay Lohan yakking on about what a good person she is or – worse – being confronted with Lindsay Lohan's naked fluorescent nipples and pubes. But why? Is it because Lindsay Lohan is desperately trying to get her acting career back on track by reminding Hollywood studios that she can talk in full sentences?  Or is it because, you know, Lindsay Lohan is a needy, approval-seeking husk of a woman?

Maybe we'll never know (cough*husk*cough), but that hasn't stopped Lindsay Lohan from being interviewed by Paper magazine all about her crazy drugs and booze and car crashes and rehab-filled 2007. Lindsay told Paper:

"I had a lot going on in my life and that was a way of hiding from it. I hadn't seen my dad; I had a lot of work stress 'cause I was constantly working and never took time to stop. Everything was go-go-go, and the easiest thing was to run away from it, going out and drinking at night. You know, you don't have to think when you let go sometimes. But I didn't realize it was getting in the way of my work – what I've worked for my whole life."  

Ah yes, Lindsay's work. You see, Lindsay Lohan is now such a liability that she can't get a job. Obviously this is a massive injustice because, starved of another I Know Who Killed Me, chances are the public will start to riot at the absence of confusing thrillers about amnesiac strippers in their lives. But Lindsay Lohan's working on that too:

"Right now I just want to find a great script, a great role. I was so used to working and working and working, and for a good few months there was nothing for me to do. Now I know what it's like to be an out-of-work actor, and how much it scares me." 

So if you've got a great script, you now know who to send it to. Well, not a great script, obviously – you could probably get someone hot like Emily Blunt or Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Biel to star in it if it was a really great script. But, hey, if you've got a mediocre movie, or a straight-to-DVD erotic thriller, or a late-night regionally-broadcast commercial for a shoe shop, then Lindsay Lohan's your girl.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan Opens Up About Recent Troubles – People 

And what's more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she's ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!

However, Eva Mendes isn't through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she's only left temporarily. But that doesn't answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people. 

Unless you're some sort of expert, you've probably lost count of exactly what the celebrity rehab situation is at the moment. So, just to get you up to speed, Kirsten Dunst is in rehab and Amy Winehouse is in rehab unless she's not. Britney Spears was in something a bit like rehab, but she's out now and Eva Mendes was in rehab but she's out as well but soon she'll go back. Happy?  

Anyway, this is about Eva Mendes, so let's focus on her. Apparently Eva Mendes had been in rehab in Utah for weeks before anyone found out last Friday, and now she's out already. Sort of. E! Online reports:

A rep for the actress confirmed Mendes has returned to Los Angeles but said she soon plans to head back to the facility where she is being treated. "Eva is attending to some personal business in Los Angeles and intends to return to complete her treatment shortly," publicist Brad Cafarelli said in a statement.

Of course, what stings most about all this is how secretively Eva Mendes is playing it. There was no messy build-up, no crying in public and no almost getting fired by a movie producer for being such a massive trainwreck at work. It's all come out of the blue, and we can only hope that when she's finished her course of rehab Eva Mendes will give a series of dignity-shredding interviews about all her problems just to make up for it.

But still, nobody seems to have learnt why Eva Mendes even went to rehab in the first place – does she have a real problem or is this one of those Isaiah Washingtony pretend rehab stints? – although the odd clue has emerged here and there. Some sources have suggested that Eva Mendes has a cocaine problem, while others have pointed the finger at 'body issues' – which probably means bulimia – and 'low self-esteem'.

That'll be the same Eva Mendes who opened her last film by ramming her fingers up her chuff. And that's her with body issues and low self-esteem? We hate to think what Eva Mendes would be like with no body issues and high self-esteem, in that case.

Lindsay Lohan, probably. Ugh.

Read more:

Eva Mendes on Break from Rehab - E! Online