Which is why we’re now going to talk about the latest TV appearance by Peter Andre, where he gets all boo-hooey and says he’s all about his kids and stuff, and then completely fails to see the connection between apologising for his life in the spotlight then announcing he has a new reality show currently filming.

What a tool.

See? We’re not just mean to Katie Price.

Though she is a giganto-titted monstrosity of Lovecraftian proportions.

Following Jordan’s appearance alongside the slithering mass of matter playing itself off as human (known by many as Piers Morgan), we all secretly hoped this would be the end of things.

In fact, it wasn’t a secret hope at all. We just wanted this parade of monumental stupidity to end before we decided to end ourselves.

Unfortunately, the Australian with an IQ almost equal to that of a glass of water decided he should have his say and – true to the character he’s been portraying to the media – Peter Andre was a big ball of crying, caring, “honest” mess on This Morning.

“Honest” of course, because we have minds of our own and can see straight through any bag of carefully-managed PR “emotion” these celebrity types try to throw our way.

While we’re all for the whole “not talking about Katie Price in a bad way” angle and the whole “she shouldn’t really have gone on about the miscarriage on telly, as that’s a bit private” spiel, we can’t help but think he should have just shut up and cried a bit more at that point.

But bless the Aussie fool, for he doesn’t exactly help himself.

After the line of:

“It’s our fault… I know I’m going to make mistakes. Sharing your life so publicly can be a mistake.”

You would think Peter Andre would then learn to keep schtum and not flap his natterhole about anything else which could possibly harm his case. Well…

In fact, there’s no point in trying to put it any better than it’s already been done – read this sentence by the kids at Digital Spy, take it in and really think about what it says:

Andre added that he is now focusing on his children, his new album and his recently announced reality show, which began filming three weeks ago.

We’ll be honest, it’s not that hard to see what we’re getting at here, but we do know some of our readers struggle with basic literacy.

Peter – you come across like a mentally-deficient puppy, so it’s hard for even hecklerspray to hate you, which is why this comes from our barely-beating, shrivelled and calloused heart: stop the madness, retire from the public eye, get a job in a pub and bring up the kids to avoid this shit.

Though that would mean we’d have less to write about…

Another mind bending puzzle is the one set by Iceland – not the country, but the supermarket. They ask us “why do mums go to Iceland?” Let us tell you now Mr Iceland: it’s not to see your bloody spokesperson Kerry Katona.

Famous for winning a show made up of people who aren’t that famous, Kerry has clung on to that little bit of former glory and pumped out every bit of success juice. From said supermarket deals to shambolic TV shows, she’s still snapping at the heels of publicity.

Always known for bad news and never anything positive, she’s back again to inform us that she has crashed and burned. Kerry has no money left to spend on curries, drugs or prawn rings after being declared bankrupt.

Remember, this is the woman who once said she’d never get her downstairs lady area out, then she had a sudden change of heart and decided to let MTV film the birth of her fourth child. We know that some couples automatically see this as a money spinning opportunity such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Some people like Matt Damon and Matt Damon’s wife, however, don’t do it straight away.

So spare a thought for poor Max Croft, the latest spawn from the evil empire of Kerry Katona’s womb. A vomit stained midwife wasn’t waiting to welcome him into the world – oh no, once he was squeezed out he was faced with some cameraman zooming in on him having his first dump.

Moments like these should be cherished within the family, not broadcast to the nation and subsequently put on Youtube. At least other famous couples allow their offspring a chance to gulp some air before being used as a cash cow.

For ages now, Kerry has faced stories of alleged drug-taking during pregnancy, stories of her being a prostitute and then not being a street servant after the lawyers got involved. Even her own mother was accused off whoring her out so she could write gritty details of her life for a book that never existed.

Whatever the case, one story that has never gone away has been Kerry Katona’s never ending lack of money. Despite being paid for her MTV show, a follow up show, deals to promote frozen turnips, magazine spreads and legal payouts for damages she is still a few pennies short.

Not that we’re money experts or anything, but purchasing extravagant cars and other luxury items probably wouldn’t help. After a year of asking for money, Katona failed to pay the final £82,000 of a £417,000 tax bill which was issued against her in January.

We’re unsure if she’ll be dragged kicking and screaming from her house as the bailiffs come and take everything – apart from a few chewed pens she has tried to extract the ink from for food. But according to the BBC’s handy guide on bankruptcy, it looks like the family may have to raid Iceland for used cardboard boxes for shelter. The Beeb describe bankruptcy in a nutshell as:

“The traditional way of escaping overwhelming debt. Ends after one year, but you are likely to lose all your assets including your house to pay something to the creditors.”

However, we can guarantee she’ll issue a statement denying the whole debt thing and that everything is totally fine with her finances. And to celebrate false media claims, the couple will celebrate by taking their kids to the moon in a magic Porsche convertible which they just bought at Argos.

Reality TV is brilliant.

Seriously. Why, hecklerspray simply can’t wait for the Autumn season and the superb roster of new shows it’ll bring – from Celebrity Piss Drinking to Maggot Farm Teen Romance to Look At Me, Look At Me, I Lack Any Real Basic Talent Or Charm But Look At Me Anyway.

Of course, there are many that claim the genre to have a tired and rather predictable formula. We say: bah! Just take a look at this clip and treat yourself to the wide variety of cliche-free, independent-minded characters the wonderful world of the tellybox has to offer.

But this has to be the worst case of copycat behaviour we’ve ever seen.

Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills 90210 and… errm… some shit reality TV show fame, has gone and got herself one of those baby things in what experts are calling ‘clearly a rip off of Jessica Alba‘. The brazen attempt to hoard some publicity is sure to backfire as members of the public lash out at Tori and her derivative behaviour.

“Get some originality!” they may cry, “everyone’s having kids now! You’re copying lovely Jessica!”

But Spelling, with her many years in the limelight – or, more accurately half-in, half-out of the limelight – knows exactly how to react to her ‘your baby is a cynical ploy’ critics. She used the power of words:

“I’ve always wanted a little girl since I’m such a girly girly.”

But the wily veteran knows this wouldn’t be enough to shut the fools up, so she went on when talking to People Magazine:

“I immediately started crying. I couldn’t believe it. I have my beautiful little boy and now I’ll have my little girl! It’s amazing.”

Tori knows full well that an outpouring of emotion is something that even the harshest of critics will falter at – the sheer joy surrounding the birthing of a new life into this world is one that only utter bastards could be scornful of. Like hecklerspray, for example.

But such a blatant rip-off of another celeb’s actions has managed to reap dividends for the washed-up ’star’, who is set to star in the re-imagining of 90210. Or reinvention. Or whatever bullshit buzz word they want to use to make it sound as if it’s a good thing that no one in any realm of television or the movies seems to have an ounce of genuine creativity about them.

But at least Tori didn’t completely copy Jessica and saddle her child with a future psychological problem (commonly referred to as ‘a stupid name’), calling her a living cry for attention Stella Doreen. Granted, Doreen is stupid, but Stella is fine. Probably as it makes us think of beer.

Being famous by association has ruined Ali Lohan’s school life – she’s been home-schooled ever since she was bullied by classmates because of who she was. And, for someone as naturally shy and limelight-intolerant as Ali Lohan, that bullying must have really hurt.

How do we know this? Because Ali Lohan’s been blabbering on about it to help promote her forthcoming reality TV show that’s all about Ali Lohan and her aggressively relentless pursuit of fame. Crikey, this Lohan stupidity gene really is stronger than any of us could have possibly imagined, isn’t it.

If we were to make a list of all the things we wouldn’t want to experience as a child, it’d probably include a born-again Christian jailbird father, a drunken slag of an older sister, an obnoxiously pushy mother and the constant threat of sprouting bright orange pubic hair out of our vagvag at any moment. And, if you were to put all of those factors into a Venn diagram, the exact centre point would be where 14-year-old Ali Lohan is right now.

So what better way to celebrate Ali Lohan’s monumentally screwed-up family life at the precise moment of her life when puberty’s got her all spazzed out and unpredictable than by making a reality TV show about her?

It’s no secret that a Lohan family reality TV show was on the cards, but now it’s been made horribly real. The show, entitled Living Lohan, will premiere on E! at the end of the month, and by all accounts it looks even more dimwitted than even we expected. For starters, here’s the official Living Lohan promo spot…

But that’s mostly just about Dina Lohan and her efforts to show the world that even everyone’s most outlandishly awful assumptions about her are basically rooted in fact. What about Ali Lohan? She’s a part of Living Lohan too, so it’s probably best that she sets her stool out as a hapless victim nice and early, regardless of how un-self aware it makes her look. People reports:

“A little while ago … a couple of girls in school made up a video of me and put it up on YouTube,” Ali tells PEOPLE exclusively. “They used disgusting words. Like if my mom ever heard me say that stuff, I’d be grounded for life! … They’re disgusting kids. I got really aggravated.” … Such problems are a thing of the past, now that the eighth-grader is being home-schooled. “You learn so much more. No one’s talking about you behind your back. It’s definitely easier.”

Yeah, well done. Nobody’s talking about you behind your back. Nobody’s making videos of you. We’re glad it took an internationally-broadcast reality TV series and a number of widely-distributed interviews with the press for you to get that off your chest. Well done.

Seriously, we’re hugely worried that appearing on Living Lohan is going to have a negative impact on Ali Lohan’s chances of becoming a genuinely famous teen star. After all, if she’s being followed around by a camera crew all the time, then she’s hardly going to have time to get pregnant or take pictures of her tits and publish them on the internet, is she? Where’s the foresight?

Read more:

Ali Lohan: ‘Disgusting’ Girls Ridiculed Me At School – People

“Please Sirs,” he says, “please sirs, might you stop paying me in potatoes?” Miguel – you ridiculous fool! We’ve been doing what’s best for you and your family of eight! Your children can’t eat cash!

We did so much for him. Maybe we should have done more. Maybe we should have let him live in his janatorial closet. Move the mop and there’s be plenty of room for him and two of his kids to lean and sleep. Rotate in shifts and the whole family’s covered. He’s just lucky we’re not like Marc Brilleman. He’s a would-be reality TV exec who recently got charged with the kidnapping and false imprisonment of several of his female contestants.

Which makes us think… Miguel, you can have your wife back. Pick her up in back of our mansion. We suppose you won’t even appreciate that her hands smell of potato.

So there was a reality TV show a’brewing called Pauper To Princess, where, you guessed it, cave-women get taught a thing or two about civility. Sounds exactly like the show Donald Trump wants the Gov’na’s hooker to star in.

Well, it’s not exactly like Trump’s show. Unless the Donald’s major plot twists include false imprisonment, kidnapping, and later having himself jammed up with third degree felony charges all in the name of ratings week. That’s right – Pauper to Princess is really shaping up to be a heck of a programme. According to their own website:

“In late 2007 Jim Johnson, Marc Brilleman and Diana Evans (partners) discussed an idea that they had about taking 8 ordinary girls and transforming them into princesses The partners worked hard at coming up with a way to make Pauper to Princess different and be a moral story for all ages.”

While the crime news section of Red Alerts.com says:

“A fly by night reality T.V. production company is being accused of luring young girls to a Central Florida house where they were held hostage according to local media. Dream House Productions is the company that created Pauper to Princess, a show that promises to turn poor, desperate young women into “princesses” that will be role models to young girls everywhere. This dream come true reality show turned into a nightmare as the girls were locked away and terrorized by the shows “manager:””

Again – that’s good television. As riveting as Schindler’s List and as hopeful as that one Steven King movie where the haggard lady breaks the ankles of her favorite author. We think it was Hairspray.

Well Brilleman, you are an expert publicist. Also you are fat. In 20 to 30 years when you’re old-people thin and released from prison, we realise that as you jet-pack to your halfway-house you may still be longing for what Pauper to Princess almost was – 12 brilliant seasons on which all of global civilisation hinged. But you can’t look back.

Maybe you can, however, have a stroke of luck at future TV success with some brilliant ideas we’ve been kicking around. That’s right, we here at hs hq have an entire notebook with two half pages almost virtually chock-full of reality TV ideas. Double spaced. The one that seems most suited to you is about fantastic nannies that kidnap families, switch their mother’s and force the women to raise the wrong kids on an island with weekly weight-loss competitions. We don’t care about the title so long as we leave out the word ‘abduct.’ As a general rule NBC will not touch the word abduct.

You see now why we need you.

We’d better film in Mexico.

Read More:

Reality Show Maker Arrested in Fla. – The Associated Press

And in a case like this our sweet caring planet isn’t quick to forget. No, in the 35 or so years since the film came out, body-whores have been treated like wined and dined, absolute upper-crust royalty. That’s why they don’t pay taxes. The body-whore is far too sensitive a creature to have to pay taxes. Also there are several government programs designed to give them leopard-spotted spandex pants for free. This is an essential tool to their trade.

The globally accepted widespread affinity to the oldest profession has sparked many acts of good nature. Why, even recently an outreached hand has been extended to a wonderful, wonderful twenty-something night-lady. Donald Trump has recently offered Spitzer's harlot a gig on his new reality show.

We heard it’s mostly like the Apprentice but with slightly more AIDS tests and the winner gets a cathouse. If it's produced well enough, it could very well lead to another 1932 Nuremberg Pulitzer.

Say what you will, But Donald Trump knows how to make money. For those of you who may doubt this, take a look at his hit TV show, his real estate business, his casino, and the fact that at the 2006 World Fair his booth where you could pay to lift his hair and look under it made over $3 billion alone. Not bad seeing as he would have only sat there two hours. Also take a look at the prostitutes that work for him – there's money right there.

We know what you're thinking – 'The Donald must have gone hip hop,' but rest assured he hasn't. He's still the same Rosie hating, Mills hiring, Miss America almost firing guy we've all come to love ever since Bloom County brilliantly stuck him in the body of Bill the Cat. What we're saying is this – Trump's not hiring prostitutes in a pimp sort of way, probably because proper pimp-grills don't fit over his teeth. He's trying to hire prostitutes to make them horny and famous. Not so much horny.

Specifically he's trying to stick Ashley Alexandra Dupré, the long-in-the-face hooker who we think Owen Wilson's character was based on, with a reality TV gig. As reported in the Daily News:

"Donald Trump is hoping to land New York's tramp of the moment, gubernatorial hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupré, for his latest TV venture. In the show, a modern version of "My Fair Lady," girls gone wild are sent to a charm school, where they undergo a strict course on debutante manners."

Careful there Donald. Hookers are only good for two things – being the subjects of lonely fat people's poetry and housing pubic-flies.

Neither of those would be worthwhile in an hour-long weekly format. Careful Donald.

Read More:

Donald Trump Wants Spitzer Call-Girl For New TV Show – Blogging Stocks

Luckily, one poverty-stricken family in Hull will be getting that exact treatment. Minor royal and all-around annoyance Fergie is going to live with them to help shine a light on what life's like for the cruel minority who, for whatever reason, don't live in massive New York penthouse apartments.

Fergie's doing this for a new ITV reality show, of course, called The Duchess In Hull. It'll be broadcast in the summer, backed by an ITV2 spin-off show called Someone Get Me The Bleach, One Of Them Just Touched Me And I Don't Want To Catch AIDS.

Say what you like about ITV, but you can't deny that it loves its poor people. The Jeremy Kyle Show may as well be called Bad-Suited Pikey-Taunt Hour, while every couple of weeks there'll be a Tonight With Trevor McDonald special called I Sold My Baby To Buy Chips.

This could be because poor people are the only ones desperate enough to spend whatever pittance they earn texting ITV competitions to try and win one of the cash prizes that keeps getting dangled an inch from their face during GMTV and This Morning – but regardless of the reason, ITV has decided to rope in a minor royal to augment its celebration of poverty this summer.  

Fergie – not the knicker-wetting Black Eyed Pea Fergie but the middle-aged ginger woman who used to be married to one of the Queen's sons Fergie – has signed up for new ITV reality show The Duchess In Hull, where she'll visit Preston Road, one of the poorest communities in the country, trail a bunch of single mothers and tut every time they eat crisps as The Times reports:

She promised to use her experience of “eating disorders, low self-esteem, family conflict, financial crisis, divorce and bereavement” to help families on the estate to improve their lifestyle…Families in Preston Road have some of the lowest incomes in Britain, as well as high levels of teenage pregnancy, crime and unemployment. The estate has been selected for a £55 million regeneration scheme. The duchess said: “I do like being with people at street level, where I feel they accept me as I am.” … On her first day she was taken on a shopping expedition with fellow single mothers to Netto, a low-budget supermarket. The duchess picked out cream crackers and margarine.

Funny that, because if we were Fergie we'd hate for people to accept us as we are. That's because Fergie is essentially a needy overprivileged aristocrat who was briefly the most ridiculed woman in the country and seems to think that poor people will take to her because she's a single mother, even though one of her kids is on the cover of fucking Tatler this month and her mother-in-law is the sodding Queen of pissing England. Accepting us for what we are would be the last thing we'd want people to do.

Anyway, it seems as if Fergie's stay with the poor did the trick, because one woman she stayed claims to have lost a stone in a single week thanks to Fergie's intervention. Well, stamping your feet and screaming "I hate that stupid jumped-up cow!" non-stop does burn up a lot of calories.

Read more:

Duchess of York gives diet and debt advice to city’s poor families - Times