Aw Jeah! E! just put out its first full trailer for the new reality show staring Ryan Lochte, creatively titled “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” and I already feel dirtier (and dumber) just watching it.
What would a juiced up, overconfident, naive, idiot do? Dude has pre-ejaculate written all over his forehead. This kid is probably the worst lay of the century. Oh, you’re “fratty as fuck”? Excuse me while I undress myself and let your bro-cologne waft over me.
Let’s play a quick game of sexy/not sexy real quick, shall we?
Mysterious like Ewan McGregor? Sexy.
Taking your shirt off for the 12th time today? Not Sexy.
Salt and pepper hair? Mmmmm sexy.
Wearing studded neon green sneakers to a romantic dinner? Not Sexy.
Lumberjacks? Cowboys? James Bond? Sexy. Sexy. Sexy.
Oh, you still live with your mom? That’s cute. And totally not Sexy.
Knows the difference between their, there and they’re? Sexy. And smart.
Can’t spell the word scissors (scissors people!) Unquestionably Not Sexy.
Sorry Ryan, you’re just the poor man’s Channing Tatum. And we all know Channing Tatum is the poor man’s Tom Hardy. Women want a manly man. They want somebody who is unpretentious, which may be a bit tough for you considering you probably don’t know what that means. Why do you think Kate Winslet got with Leo in the end of Titanic instead of Billy Zane? Bitch snuck himself onto a lifeboat and then got pissed when he realized his necklace was missing. If we’re going down in a ship together, I’d rather you be more concerned with our safety than whether or not your $25,000 American Flag grill just fell into the ocean.
Take a few tips from retired douchebag Justin Timberlake. Grow up. Shut your mouth. Listen more. And for the love of Christ, please buy a decent suit and tie.