Ryan Lochte Hates to Wear Shirts on TV Because He’s a Fratty Douche

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Ryan Lochte Reality Show IdiotAw Jeah!  E! just put out its first full trailer for the new reality show staring Ryan Lochte, creatively titled “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” and I already feel dirtier (and dumber) just watching it.

What would a juiced up, overconfident, naive, idiot do? Dude has pre-ejaculate written all over his forehead.  This kid is probably the worst lay of the century.  Oh, you’re “fratty as fuck”?  Excuse me while I undress myself and let your bro-cologne waft over me. 

Let’s play a quick game of sexy/not sexy real quick, shall we?

Mysterious like Ewan McGregor?  Sexy.
Taking your shirt off for the 12th time today?  Not Sexy.

Salt and pepper hair?  Mmmmm sexy.
Wearing studded neon green sneakers to a romantic dinner?  Not Sexy.

Lumberjacks?  Cowboys?  James Bond? Sexy.  Sexy.  Sexy.
Oh, you still live with your mom?  That’s cute.  And totally not Sexy.

Knows the difference between their, there and they’re?  Sexy.  And smart.
Can’t spell the word scissors (scissors people!) Unquestionably Not Sexy.

Sorry Ryan, you’re just the poor man’s Channing Tatum.  And we all know Channing Tatum is the poor man’s Tom Hardy.  Women want a manly man.  They want somebody who is unpretentious, which may be a bit tough for you considering you probably don’t know what that means.  Why do you think Kate Winslet got with Leo in the end of Titanic instead of Billy Zane?  Bitch snuck himself onto a lifeboat and then got pissed when he realized his necklace was missing.  If we’re going down in a ship together, I’d rather you be more concerned with our safety than whether or not your $25,000 American Flag grill just fell into the ocean.

Take a few tips from retired douchebag Justin Timberlake.  Grow up.  Shut your mouth.  Listen more.  And for the love of Christ, please buy a decent suit and tie.

http://youtu.be/PZLqDHzWptI

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Comments

  1. Dave says

    Who gives a shit? Frat guys are fucking hot. I’d worship Lochte. Talking about getting pussy with is bros.

    Guy is on top of the world.

  2. GinnyJ says

    -doesn’t live with mom
    -fantastic in bed

    You vomit this information like you know it first hand. Give the guy some credit. He is an elite athlete. He put fun on hold most of his life to pursue a dream. He inspires thousands of kids to work hard, push themselves, be their dream. He’s hot, he’s talented, he’s generous, he’s fun. He’s having the time of his life. Are you?

  3. HoneyBooBoo says

    He’s hot, he’s only talented in swimming however. He is not and will not ever be a brain surgeon who should actually be celebrated.

    He’s your typical dumb jock. Dumb jocks should not be celebrated, they should be scorned.

  4. AY says

    This guy is rolling in money. Between sponsorships and medal winning ($25,000 per gold, $15,000 per silver, $10,000 per bronze medal) I think he’s doing ok. Besides that you win money at Worlds, (which happens during non olympic years), grand prix (series swim meet you win $20,000 if you gather the most golds). Ryan Lochte inspires children to strive to be the best athlete they can be. He might be pretentious and cocky but please tell me the last time you won a gold medal and beat the number 1 swimmer in the entire world at the highest level of competition there is? He may be a “dumb jock” but he’s making a hell of a lot more money than all of us combined. Honestly he is a nice guy, a lot of this is just for the tv show. Ever think of that people? So how about before you spit off information that is false, think about what you are saying.

  5. SwimmingFan says

    First of all he’s not a kid. He’s 28 years old. Secondly just because someone doesn’t constantly sound smart in writing or in interviews doesn’t mean anything-he did graduate college with a fairly good gpa. He’s a talent swimmer-therefore his shirt is off a lot and swimming is a hard sport. Next, he doesn’t live with his mother. Lastly, far too many people see swimming as a sport that only happens at the olympics and its not. There’s swimming events all year, every year and Ryan has done amazing things for the sport.

  6. Fireoasis says

    His behavior is NOT the kind of behavior we want to encourage in children. Yes we want children to be dedicated and hard working in their career goals, but to put this kind of stupid crap on TV and encourage children to take after it, shameful and flat out stupid. As a parent I of course will make sure my children never see it, as an adult I would never watch such stupid crap myself. This kind of ‘reality tv’ drivel is what is totally ruining television today.

  7. shan22044 says

    OMG what is up with you fangirls sticking up for this idiot.
    He stole his catchphrase from a rapper from THE EARLY NINETIES.
    Not only is he unoriginal and a thief, he’s…uncool. Like the antithesis of cool.

    And he’s doing all this faux-hip-hop posturing while throwing up a surfer gnarly sign. What the hell. Gnarly Dude and Jeah do not belong together. Go away Ryan. Your pathetic shenanigans make me sad.

  8. bingojsk says

    I don’t know anything about this guy but the “surfer gnarly sign” is called a “shaka”. You can google it, it does not mean “gnarly”.

  9. Jenna says

    Phelps talked and sounded like a idiot too but nobody was like he sounds like a 4 year old. The reason y’all are all jerks to Lochte is because he is hot, sexy, world famous, and pretty rich.

  10. Jenna says

    Do you really think that all that reality crap is real?!?! Like they totally fake it all.

  11. Jenna says

    Y’all are all IDIOTS for hating him. your just jealous that you are stupid, dumb, and poor.

  12. Deeznuttz007 says

    Lol… Yeah Shaka means “hang loose” used in Hawaii and by surfers makes alil sense he’d rock the sign considering he’s a swimmer. Nothing wrong with throwin it up.

  13. Deeznuttz007 says

    If a poor guy said or did half the dumb shit this guy does..everyone would agree he’s an idiot.. But just cause he’s rich it’s alright and everyone’s just jealous? Right. This countries completely backwards I swear..

  14. Mike says

    That goes for all the black athletes with IQs same as their shoe sizes too right?

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