Posts tagged as:

Prostitute

Boy George: “OK, I Did Chain That Norwegian Manwhore Up”

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when that male prostitute said Boy George chained him to a wall, hit him and threatened to kill him?

Well, turns out it’s true. Partially – Boy George has admitted that he did handcuff Audun Carlsen up, and that he did hit him a bit, but only consensually. But Boy George swears that he wasn’t going to kill him, because a dead manwhore wouldn’t be great for his career.

Remember, Boy George once painted his jaw black and pretended to be David Bowie on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, so he obviously knows a great career move when he sees one.

2 comments Read more >>>

Remember The Spitzer Whore? What Does She Think About Stuff?

by Stuart Heritage

Kids, if you ever want to be famous, don’t forget the importance of having sex with high-ranking government officials for cash.

That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and it’s been the making of her. Since being named as the prostitute who led to the downfall of former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Dupré has become a megastar. She can’t even leave her house anymore without people recognising her and shouting encouraging messages like “I know you! You’re that whore!” and “Hey Little Miss Grubbyknickers! Here’s some money! Eat this!”

In fact Ashley Dupré is now so famous that she’s got her own episode of 20/20 coming up where she gets to reveal that she doesn’t feel responsible for Eliot Spitzer’s resignation, the emotions she experienced as the scandal unfolded and the way that she feels ‘connected’ to Eliot Spitzer’s wife – which we think might be code for crabs or syphilis or something, though we couldn’t say for certain.

Kids, if you ever want to be famous, don't forget the importance of having sex with high-ranking government officials for cash. That's what Ashley Dupré did, and it's been the making of her. Since being named as the prostitute who led to the downfall of former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Dupré has become a megastar. She can't even leave her house anymore without people recognising her and shouting encouraging messages like "I know you! You're that whore!" and "Hey Little Miss Grubbyknickers! Here's some money! Eat this!" In fact Ashley Dupré is now so famous that she's got her own episode of 20/20 coming up where she gets to reveal that she doesn't feel responsible for Eliot Spitzer's resignation, the emotions she experienced as the scandal unfolded and the way that she feels 'connected' to Eliot Spitzer's wife - which we think might be code for crabs or syphilis or something, though we couldn't say for certain.
24 comments Read more >>>

Kerry Katona Definitely Not A Prostitute, OK?

by Stuart Heritage

Kerry Katona might whore herself out for reality TV shows and adverts for frozen prawn rings, but never for sex with men – and now that’s super-official!

Yesterday Kerry Katona won five-figure damages from The Sunday Mirror after it claimed that her mother was about to write a book claiming that Kerry was a massive prostitute before she became famous. Which obviously isn’t true for a number of reasons.

Firstly, anyone who’d consider buying a book by Kerry Katona’s mum about how Kerry Katona was a hooker is obviously stupid to the point of illiteracy, which tends not to be a good demographic to market books to. Secondly, and most importantly, Kerry Katona can’t have been a prostitute because most men would rather attack their own genitals with a claw-hammer than pay Kerry Katona cash to touch them with her hands or mouth.

Kerry Katona might whore herself out for reality TV shows and adverts for frozen prawn rings, but never for sex with men - and now that's super-official! Yesterday Kerry Katona won five-figure damages from The Sunday Mirror after it claimed that her mother was about to write a book claiming that Kerry was a massive prostitute before she became famous. Which obviously isn't true for a number of reasons. Firstly, anyone who'd consider buying a book by Kerry Katona's mum about how Kerry Katona was a hooker is obviously stupid to the point of illiteracy, which tends not to be a good demographic to market books to. Secondly, and most importantly, Kerry Katona can't have been a prostitute because most men would rather attack their own genitals with a claw-hammer than pay Kerry Katona cash to touch them with her hands or mouth.
1 comment Read more >>>

Ashley Dupré To Get Her Own Trollopish Reality TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

Ashley Dupré doesn’t just get to have tawdry, regret-filled sex with every ugly old man that offers her cash any more, as if that wasn’t enough.

No, now Ashley Dupré gets to be on TV because of it as well, the lucky cow. Although up until now she was most famous for being the high-end prostitute who had sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer until he had to resign because of it, Ashley Dupré is apparently in talks to star in her own reality TV show.

Honestly, she is. As yet nobody seems to know if Ashley Dupré will star in a Simple Life-style fly-on-the-wall reality TV show or a Tila Tequila-style dating show, but at the moment the latter seems to be out in front. Quite right too, because that’s the only way that they’ll ever get to use the title Ashley Dupré: Who Wants Me To Kiss Them With The Same Mouth I Recently Had Wrapped Around A Bald Old Man’s Penis For Cash?

Ashley Dupré doesn't just get to have tawdry, regret-filled sex with every ugly old man that offers her cash any more, as if that wasn't enough. No, now Ashley Dupré gets to be on TV because of it as well, the lucky cow. Although up until now she was most famous for being the high-end prostitute who had sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer until he had to resign because of it, Ashley Dupré is apparently in talks to star in her own reality TV show. Honestly, she is. As yet nobody seems to know if Ashley Dupré will star in a Simple Life-style fly-on-the-wall reality TV show or a Tila Tequila-style dating show, but at the moment the latter seems to be out in front. Quite right too, because that's the only way that they'll ever get to use the title Ashley Dupré: Who Wants Me To Kiss Them With The Same Mouth I Recently Had Wrapped Around A Bald Old Man's Penis For Cash?
1 comment Read more >>>

Boy George Banned From US, Imprisoned Manwhores Partially To Blame

by Stuart Heritage

There’s an old saying that goes ‘An Englishman’s home is his castle, and if he ever wants to imprison a Scandinavian male prostitute in his castle against his wishes then that’s probably OK’.

But sadly it seems like America, the so-called land of the free, has got some issues about people chaining male prostitutes to their walls and vaguely insulting them for a bit. Just ask Boy George.

Boy George is just about to set off on a tour of America, except that now he can’t get a visa because of his upcoming prostitute-chaining trial. Not that Boy George should worry too much, though. We know for a fact that there are plenty of other countries who’ll give you visas no matter how many terrified manwhores you’ve chained up to a wall in your sordid little sex dungeon. Um, we read that in a book or something once. Ahem.

There's an old saying that goes 'An Englishman's home is his castle, and if he ever wants to imprison a Scandinavian male prostitute in his castle against his wishes then that's probably OK'. But sadly it seems like America, the so-called land of the free, has got some issues about people chaining male prostitutes to their walls and vaguely insulting them for a bit. Just ask Boy George. Boy George is just about to set off on a tour of America, except that now he can't get a visa because of his upcoming prostitute-chaining trial. Not that Boy George should worry too much, though. We know for a fact that there are plenty of other countries who'll give you visas no matter how many terrified manwhores you've chained up to a wall in your sordid little sex dungeon. Um, we read that in a book or something once. Ahem.
8 comments Read more >>>

Spitzer’s Whore Sues Girls Gone Wild For All Sorts Of Cash

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve got nothing but sympathy for Ashley Dupre – after all, who hasn’t performed sexual acts on a high-ranking politician for cash these days?

And if a scandal about you being a massive whore with a slightly gross-looking New York governor isn’t bad enough, the inevitable follow-up story about the way you took your clothes off for a teen-exploiting series ofsoftcore videos is just utterly degrading.

That’s why we’re fully behind Ashley Alexandra’s decision to sue Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for $10 million because he quickly released a 2003 video of her flashing her breasts in the wake of the scandal as a money-making enterprise. She’s completely correct – if she didn’t chase Joe Francis for cash, then what kind of filthy prostitute would AshleyDupre be? A shit one, that’s what.

1 comment Read more >>>

Donald Trump Sees Cash-Money In Spitzer’s Young Hooker

by Shawn Lindseth

The movie Pretty Woman, which we think won a Pulitzer Prize at the 1932 Nuremberg Olympics, was written so well it made the whole world stop and take notice that filthy hookers can have feelings too.

And in a case like this our sweet caring planet isn’t quick to forget. No, in the 35 or so years since the film came out, body-whores have been treated like wined and dined, absolute upper-crust royalty. That’s why they don’t pay taxes. The body-whore is far too sensitive a creature to have to pay taxes. Also there are several government programs designed to give them leopard-spotted spandex pants for free. This is an essential tool to their trade.

The globally accepted widespread affinity to the oldest profession has sparked many acts of good nature. Why, even recently an outreached hand has been extended to a wonderful, wonderful twenty-something night-lady. Donald Trump has recently offered Spitzer’s harlot a gig on his new reality show.

We heard it’s mostly like the Apprentice but with slightly more AIDS tests and the winner gets a cathouse. If it’s produced well enough, it could very well lead to another 1932 Nuremberg Pulitzer.

The movie Pretty Woman, which we think won a Pulitzer Prize at the 1932 Nuremberg Olympics, was written so well it made the whole world stop and take notice that filthy hookers can have feelings too. And in a case like this our sweet caring planet isn’t quick to forget. No, in the 35 or so years since the film came out, body-whores have been treated like wined and dined, absolute upper-crust royalty. That’s why they don’t pay taxes. The body-whore is far too sensitive a creature to have to pay taxes. Also there are several government programs designed to give them leopard-spotted spandex pants for free. This is an essential tool to their trade. The globally accepted widespread affinity to the oldest profession has sparked many acts of good nature. Why, even recently an outreached hand has been extended to a wonderful, wonderful twenty-something night-lady. Donald Trump has recently offered Spitzer's harlot a gig on his new reality show. We heard it’s mostly like the Apprentice but with slightly more AIDS tests and the winner gets a cathouse. If it's produced well enough, it could very well lead to another 1932 Nuremberg Pulitzer.
2 comments Read more >>>

Boy George Didn’t Chain No Flipping Hooker To His Wall: Boy George

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone’s got their own hilarious crossed-wires story about a male prostitute, and Boy George is certainly no exception.

You see, it’s been claimed that Boy George fell prey to that age-old male prostitute mix-up where one person thinks you both just want some cursory, meaningless, soul-destroying sex and the other one just wants to chain everyone to a wall against their will and threaten them for a bit. We’ve all been there.

Except that Boy George says didn’t do any of that – at Snaresbrook Crown Court yesterday, Boy George pleaded guilty to false imprisonment. Lucky his charge wasn’t Looking More And More Like Phil Collins With An Underactive Thyroid, because then they would have thrown away the keys.

0 comments Read more >>>

Boy George Manwhore-Chaining Trial Date Set

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve never chained a male escort to the wall of our house and then threatened him a bunch of times, but we were open to the possibility of it until Boy George arsed it all up by getting arrested for that very thing.

Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we’d chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we’re basically just following in Boy George’s footsteps, but we’ll also be acutely aware that we’d probably end up in court for it – as Boy George has found for himself, since he’s just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn’t – we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.

We've never chained a male escort to the wall of our house and then threatened him a bunch of times, but we were open to the possibility of it until Boy George arsed it all up by getting arrested for that very thing. Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we'd chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we're basically just following in Boy George's footsteps, but we'll also be acutely aware that we'd probably end up in court for it - as Boy George has found for himself, since he's just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn't - we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.
2 comments Read more >>>

Next Entries →