Kerry Katona might whore herself out for reality TV shows and adverts for frozen prawn rings, but never for sex with men – and now that’s super-official!
Yesterday Kerry Katona won five-figure damages from The Sunday Mirror after it claimed that her mother was about to write a book claiming that Kerry was a massive prostitute before she became famous. Which obviously isn’t true for a number of reasons.
Firstly, anyone who’d consider buying a book by Kerry Katona’s mum about how Kerry Katona was a hooker is obviously stupid to the point of illiteracy, which tends not to be a good demographic to market books to. Secondly, and most importantly, Kerry Katona can’t have been a prostitute because most men would rather attack their own genitals with a claw-hammer than pay Kerry Katona cash to touch them with her hands or mouth.
Kerry Katona has been several things in her life – singer, actress, reality TV show star, fat idiot – but she has never ever been a prostitute. That’s because she’s already a bipolar, chainsmoking, recovering drug-addict who’s been held up at knifepoint and is in the middle of a vicious custody battle for her children that’s humiliatingly being played out in public. Being a prostitute on top of all that would just be over-egging the whole ‘bad mother’ vibe, wouldn’t it?
However, that didn’t stop The Sunday Mirror from claiming that Kerry Katona used to be a prostitute back in June. Actually that’s not strictly true. Rather than claim that Kerry Katona used to be a prostitute, the paper claimed that Kerry Katona’s mother was writing a book in which she’d claim that Kerry Katona used to be a prostitute. Which is completely different.
However, the article – given the headline ‘Betrayed by Mum: Kerry’s mother dishes the dirt in explosive new book’ – was still wrong enough for Kerry Katona to march the paper to court and get a great big stack of libel cash out of it, as The Sun reports:
David Price, mum-of-four Kerry’s solicitor-advocate, told London’s High Court the claim was “completely false”. He added: “Sue Katona has never alleged that the claimant worked as a prostitute.” He said the claim “particularly distressed” Kerry, 27, as it allegedly came from her mum, “giving it added credibility”.
In fact, more than writing a book about Kerry Katona’s hooker days, Old Ma Katona hadn’t even written a book or got a publishing deal in the first place. That sort of makes sense, because if Sue Katona is the woman responsible for making Kerry Katona the woman she is today, then we’d expect her manuscript to basically be just three sheets of dribble-covered Crayola scrawls. Although we could be wrong. Nobody sue us.
Besides, Kerry Katona doesn’t need books written by opportunistic third parties to reveal how much of an intrinsically terrible person she is – she’s already got her own MTV reality show, and that does the job perfectly well thank you very much.
So Kerry Katona has definitely never been a prostitute. That’s good news for Kerry but bad news for Iceland. It’d already planned out its next advertising campaign, you see, centred around Kerry Katona standing on a street corner in a miniskirt, leaning into cars to offer dirty old men bags of cook-from-frozen chicken strips and then being beaten up by her pimp.
Shooty* says
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http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a149164/katona-sells-boob-implant-on-ebay.html