In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby’s name, Blue Ivy.

We’re not sure if we’re allowed to even write ‘Blue Ivy’ without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually…

Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.

This patent furore is proof positive that they still, one month on, think that Blue Ivy is a good name, rather than the stripper-endorsed-detergent fuckstorm that it clearly is.

We were unsure of the bloody point of this whole ridiculous faff, until some random family law expert who has absolutely no connection to the Beyonc’Jays piped up on MTV (of all bloody places):

“Seeking the trademark forestalls competitors from using the child’s name and or third parties from attempting to sell the baby’s name back to the couple. They are likely trying to protect what they rightfully own or created, shall we say, by trademarking Blue Ivy’s name.”

See! It’s not mental or weird to brand your baby! It’s just a totally reasonable action, as long as you believe that having mixed up your sperm’n’egg cocktail and made a person grants you ownership not only over them, but over random, dreadful, clunking couplings of words.

In the spirit of the Beyonc’Jays’ flagrant madness, we’d like to announce that we are pre-emptively trademarking these names, for any future lovechildren that may emerge from the hecklerspray loins after we’re done huddling together for warmth:

• Bum Twaddle
• Green Flange
• Edna Deathray.
• Masonic Groatherder
• Elongated Gusset
• Extension Plug Waffler
• Sneaky Toothexplosion
• Barkquis HundredHandSlap
• Kenny Flymo
• Clodhopper P. Kneesupport
• James Parker

Outstanding idea, thanks, Beyonc’Jays!

Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.

Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!

Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.

Hova and Bey stayed out ’til arout 4 am at Jiggaman’s club 40/40 according to various people staring at some drunk celebrities, clearly having nothing better to do with their evening.

An obviously concerned source noted that Beyonce attended the afterparty:

“She arrived with her mother, Tina Knowles ,” and her mother-in-law, Gloria Carter. After “sprinting through a side entrance” shortly before midnight, Beyoncé toured the club for the first time since its renovation”

So far, so spectacularly dull.

However, Beyonce was seen sipping ‘what appeared to be a glass of bubbly’ around 3am, while tottering around in a cleavage-erupting red dress and embroidered Christian Louboutin shoes like some kind of expensive prostitute… and all the while, Jay stuck around ’til kicking-out time, throwing drinks down his famous, but irresponsible neck with Nas and some marketing bozo called Steve Stoute.

All the while, Blue Ivy was nowhere to be seen. Out of sight, out of mind.

We can only hope for that poor, poor child’s sake, that she won’t be left to fend for herself in the wild again with her awful parents off having the time of their lives like they don’t have an obligation to look after their newborn.

This is all incredibly troubling. It seems Jay Z meant it when he rapped ‘I got 99 problems but my newly born daughter ain’t one’.

We’re legally obliged to parody 99 Problems. Sorry.

There’s always been something incredibly sinister about Justin Bieber. Anyone who is paraded around like a prepubescent monkey eunuch should fill any right-minded person with the dread of a thousand bailiffs.

The very fact no-one seems to mind a performing menstrual period is of great concern, especially given that Bieber is clearly using his power for unspeakable evil.

Like what? Well, at the wave of his nailless foetal hand, it appears that the world’s young are donating their organs. Oooh, the horror!

Bieber is getting credit for a recent spike in organ donor registrations. Some dweebs called The Trillium Gift of Life Network have noted that, since JB answered a plea made by Helene Campbell, who’s awaiting for a lung transplant, more than 1,200 people have registered online for donation.

Bieber’s Twitter exchange with Campbell (username @alungstory) started off with the usual annoying charitable plea from a pleb to a sleb, before Justin took the sob story on and shared it with his trillion followers.

He then started tweeting about how people really should donate their organs.

However, no-one is that altruistic and we suspect that Bieber is using the organs for himself, after his young fans presumably donated them while they were still alive, cutting out their kidneys and such with Hello Kitty safety scissors and plopping them through his letter box.

And if our thoughts that Bieber is actually an illuminati goon are true, then we can only assume that he’s using the organs for nefarious purposes.

If indeed, Bieber is an illuminati lookalike, then there’s a chance that the singer is actually in his 40s and is gorging on tween organs in a bid to stay youthful. We have all noticed that he’s looking older than he used to and this fiendish scheme is clearly not working.

Spread the word. There’s a new devil among us.

Skin’s nice, isn’t it? The biggest organ of all the other organs in your body, according to the internet (though our liver is probably jostling for that accolade), and really good for when you want to stop your other, smaller, organs from falling out and making a mess on the carpet.

Its also pretty good for making a special outfit to wear to old Buffalo Bill’s Valentine’s Day party.

People always say you need to look after your skin, which we do by maintaining a full, thick layer of Vaseline at all times. Beyonce has been looking after her skin, though, by making it white! Seriously. Step away from the Tippex, B, people are starting to think you might be a bit of a racist.

That’s right, in a bid to make all black girls everywhere feel inferior, Beyonce has been whitewashed yet again.

A new picture has been released to promote her actually-really-boring album 4, with tantalising side-boob action and stockings, if that’s what gets you going.

She also looks pretty much completely white (and also like she might be holding in a fart, but that’s not the main issue here) which is, when you come to think about it, really quite racist.

Just like in 2008 when she was edited down to a light beige by L’Oreal.

These pallid publicity shots kind of suggest that, to sell to a wide (white) audience, Beyonce and her ‘people’ think she’s got to whiten up.

So, you know, a pat on the back to everyone, really. It’s the 21st century and we’re still apparently not willing to buy stuff advertised or made by black people.

Nice one, everyone, really. Well done.

This was an article written by Becca Day-Preston who, in all seriously, will probably kick your teeth inward if you try messing with her. Okay?

Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

A source close to Jolie, no longer a weirdo, has revealed that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can’t wait to play mom again.

The source says:

“She’s almost three months along. It’s not something she wants to officially announce but she’s at a point where she is telling a select group of people.”

Regrettably, one of the select few has gone and blabbed to a motormouth and they’ve told us, who can’t keep a secret to save our lives (apart from those secrets we have which have injunctions on them, which is really, really irritating).

Adds an insider:

“Angelina is really savoring every moment. she’s having a tough time with morning sickness but says it’s all worth it.”

Apparently, Ange has said this as well, though christ knows when and where:

“I love being pregnant. You feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

There you have it folks! Want to feel like a woman? Don’t listen to Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’, but rather, adopt a parasite.

Beyonce is, no doubt, about to fill her Facebook with pictures of her baby despite the fact it has no hair, can’t talk, is probably doing a shit right now and essentially, is like every other baby on Earth. New parents are ghastly aren’t they?

Worse still, is that people are constantly asking people how ‘baby’ is before launching into high-pitched squeaking and saying things like “Amoojieboobieboo? Schmookibaba? BABA? Boogliewoogiedoo? Awopbopaloobop alopbamboom!“

So now, Beyonce has given her first interview about Blue Ivy Carter (who recently became the youngest person to hit the Billboard chart apparently… we’re not sure… didn’t Stevie Wonder have a baby on Isn’t She Lovely?) and she won’t stop going on about it. She even talks about Jay Z being covered in faecal matter.

Speaking to Star magazine, Bey admitted:

“Nothing can describe the feeling. You have the instant connection once you know your child is growing inside you, but when you hold it for the first time, the words can’t be found”

The words can’t be found eh? Won’t stop you releasing some awful, saccharine ballad about it all, will it?

When asked about J-Hova, Beyonce said:

“He would not have missed it for anything. He is a very protective and loyal guy by nature. He is a very protective husband, and since we found out I was pregnant I have seen the protective father in him. He is not only an inspirational artist, he is an inspirational husband. I know the next step on his journey is going to be being an inspirational father.”

Jesus Christ! Have you heard yourself? It sounds like Beyonce swallowed a self-help tape during labour! And apparently, Jay won’t be boxfresh, brushing his shoulder for long. He’s going to be up to his famous neck in dung.

“He will change diapers, of course he will. He is going to be a very hands-on father. He has already said publicly that providing isn’t love. Love is being there. Love is doing the little things for your child.”

And, of course, not saying ‘bitch’ in songs. Still, if you’re not annoying feminists, you’re annoying hospital goers, right? Beyonce added:

“Security was very tight but not just for the sake of it. It was for the security of our daughter – that was always the most important thing and everybody involved made it such a safe and smooth process. As usual, certain things have been made up or exaggerated but that seemed to be the story of the pregnancy.”

LIKE A COLLAPSING STOMACH PERHAPS?

Either way, Beyonce is going to have to work twice-as-hard to bring back Sasha Fierce because, as well you know, new parents are nothing more than dewy-eyed, sentimental radishes, blushing at each skidmark and steady-vomit from their gurgling little berks.

We’ve lost her, haven’t we?

Jay Z famously had 99 problems but, a bitch wasn’t one of them. And from now on, bitches won’t ever be a problem because he’s decided that he’s not going to degrade women anymore. And it’s all because he’s had a stupid baby with a stupid name.

Ain’t life a funny thing?

Seriously. The rap mogul has vowed to drop the word from his lyrics after the birth of Blue Ivy Carter. Now he’s got someone to care about, he’s realised that referring to women as bitches isn’t really that nice. Of course, his wife, mother and any other female family member must feel more than irked because he’s been happy to call that lot bitches for the best part of 20 years. There’s more! Jiggaman must be extra sensitive because he told us this news via a poem! A POEM! All this, while someone was naming a species of fly after his ‘bitch’, Beyonce.

In the poem, the rapper wrote in his neatest handwriting:

“Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it.”

He’ll still be using ‘ho!’ though, right? Apparently not! There won’t even be bikini-clad girl in his videos because he went on to swear that he’ll protect her and that the “degradation has passed”.

He writes:

“No man will degrade her, or call her name. I’m so focused on your future, the degradation has passed. I wish you wealth, health and insight. Forever young you may pass. Blue Ivy Carter, my angel.”

Mercifully, there’s a bunch of other rappers who will still be selling a million records to continue the use of ‘bitch’. And of course, in time old hip hop tradition, we’d like to point out that we’re not being sexist. Ho and bitch are only ever aimed at those women who act like hos and bitches. Okay?

Peace. One love. Big pimpin’.

Oh, and in other news, scientists have just named a horse fly with a golden rear end after Beyonce. No, honest. It’s a rare Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae species of horse fly and scientists have said:

“It was the unique dense golden hairs on the fly’s abdomen that led me to name this fly in honor of the performer Beyonce as well as giving me the chance to demonstrate the fun side of taxonomy”

See bitches? Things aren’t so bad are they?

It is testament to how much people hate parents when you consider that, prior to having a baby, Beyonce Knowles was quite possibly the most admired woman on the face of the planet. And now look at her…

EVERYONE HATES BEYONCE.

See, she’s had her baby with Jay Z, sidestepped the fake bump rumours and slapped the name of Blue Ivy on the child, but it was her time in the hospital that has seen everyone go from COO! to BOOOOOO! I HATE YOU! YOU ROTTEN STINKER! And now, there could be some kind of official investigation at the hospital where Blue Ivy came into the world.

Instead of everyone fizzing with post-natal excitement, what we’re actually faced with is an investigation from The Health Department after families claim that they were mistreated while Beyonce was given VIP treatment.

Stupid, hateful Beyonce with her freakum hospital gown on.

Beyonce’s stay at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC has caused a number of complaints, and basically, they claim that families were kept from seeing their newborn babies in the neonatal intensive care unit because they’d been barred by J-Hova and B’s security guards.

As an aside, do you think Beyonce’s howls of labour anguish were pitch perfect?

Anyway, B&J also had the hospital cover its security cameras with tape, which could’ve resulted in nutters like you running around stabbing everyone in sight without fear of getting caught. Good thing this news only came out AFTER the event, eh?

A spokesman for the Health Department, Peter Constantakes, says:

“We have received complaints. Whenever we receive a complaint, we look into it. It’s not necessarily an investigation. It could be a review. Most likely in this case, it would be an investigation”.

Or: We really, really want to meet Jay Z and Beyonce, please.

Trying to land the coveted first snaps of a celebrity baby is something all rags and publications fight tooth and nail for and, boy howdy! We’ve only gone and landed the first shots of Beyonce and Jay Z’s new child, Blue Ivy!

We’re as shocked as you are!

And weirdly, we’ve got 50 Cent to thank for such an honour because he leaked them to us, allowing us to share them with you. Very good of Fiddy to give us such an exclusive isn’t it? Yes it is. Wanna see?

50 Cent shared these 100% genuine images (like it or not, they are images – 100% so) with Team Spreezy and we now get to show them to you!

And as you can see (backed up by Fiddy too), Blue Ivy looks just like her dad! It’s amazing really. We can’t quite believe how much she looks like Mr Jigga.

Fiddy tweeted:

“Yal play to much congratulations to JAYZ and Beyonce BABY #BlueIvyCarter IS GEORGOUS”

“You bull sh*ting they will pay a million dollars for a picture of that baby lol trust me.”

And so, without further ado, here are the first shots of Blue Ivy Carter, as shared to us in good faith by 50 Cent who definitely wouldn’t lie to us about such a thing!

Congrats to everyone, including us.

A father of premature-twins has complained that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s ‘people’ stopped him from visiting his newborns in hospital.

Despite doing nothing more remarkable than what women have been doing for thousands of years and without the help of a placenta-grooming team, Beyonce’s medical needs were deemed so important by her minders that they barred other patients from entering the 6th floor neonatal intensive care unit where Queen B was resting up after giving birth to a child presumably named after a toilet-cleaner.

Neil Coulon accused Beyonce’s hired goons of treating the hospital corridor like ‘an exclusive nightclub’. By which we mean, enforced a strict entrance policy, rather than charging other patients £30, flicking the light switches on and off, pissing on the floor then dousing them in Joop! and pheromones.

Coulon told the New York Daily News:

“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday – just because they wanted to use the hallway”

“They should have been more strategic about it. These are children with problems in intensive care and you’re just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.”

To be honest, it is incredibly hard not to side with B&J on this one; the $750million powercouple are alleged to have blown $1.3million bullet-proofing the maternity wing, Money well spent, as everyone knows that bullet wounds are sooooo 2004.

Think about it.

If you spent £30 on a new rug, you wouldn’t even let people walk on it with their SHOES on, let alone allowing sick people dripping umbilical blood, guts, vernix and stuff all over it.

In fact, for $1.3million we would have expected all NHS’ers shot on sight. So yeah. You go B! Besides, did the plebs make a piece of music about the whole thing that sounded like this?

No. No they didn’t. Yes, we know it’s not very good.

UPDATE – The hospital have denied these claims, but that’s not very funny. Either way, we’re adding this so lawyers don’t give us hassle.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik who, frankly, has great legs and fists that won’t quit. It is advised you don’t mess

Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.

And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.

How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.

Over the weekend, Perry took to Twitter to speak publicly for the first time since the split. She wrote:

“I am so grateful for all the love and support I’ve had from people around the world. You guys have made my heart happy again.”

So far, so celebrity-humble. However, it didn’t last long and the paranoid glare of someone surrounded by the deafening chatter from beyond the velvet rope reared up.

“Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Get that mom and dad? You can shut your stupid Christian cake-holes! You might wanna try being a bit more Buddhist about it and using your daughter’s grief as a time of quiet, introspective reflection instead of talking to the press.

Although, don’t stop entirely. We’ll have nothing to write about then.

We shouldn’t worry though because, the reality of it all is, Brand and Perry will now be in a race to see who can have the most public shag or orgy as they bid to get first to the punch. It’s going to be brilliant, then irritating, then kinda sad and ultimately, of no importance to any of us while they both slide into obscurity.

The world’s most talented baby was born at the weekend – Blue Ivy Curtis – who will change everything, and will definitely not look like Nas, came out of the world’s greatest vagina to rapturous trumpet fanfare, while Jay-Z reconsidered his verses in early hit “Big Pimpin’”.

Blue Ivy, who has more money and talent than anyone we could ever think of despite being less than a week old, hasn’t been officially announced by Jay-Z and Beyonce, because they’re closed-off about their relationship to frankly KGB levels.

However, a bunch of other folks announced the outbreak of Blue Ivy after various media sources calculated that something had to happen surely, because that’s been 9 months and that’s how it works after having read a book at school AND EVERYTHING.

Rihanna, a woman who is familiar with reproduction, took to Twitter, writing:

“Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih.”

Of course, Blue Ivy isn’t actually the niece of Rihanna by blood, and as such, will find her sexually attractive in years to come. Still, nothing beats X Factor winner Leon Jackson, who tweeted this gruesome missive:

“That lucky baby that gets to suck on Beyonce’s boobs”

Naturally, hecklerspray would like to wish all the best to Blue Ivy Carter who is going to make everything different, and no-one else’s child is ever going to be as good. In school, Blue will have a desk made of gold, but the other kids will still love her because she’s brilliant and she’s made out of amazing people.

Obviously we can’t guarantee that Blue Ivy will go into music like Mum and Dad, but here’s some advice for the immaculate sprog:

• Your parents can afford better than Ark Music. Don’t do a Rebecca Black.
• If you’re going to attempt a modern narrative on feminism, go to Mum. Although… yeah, going to Mum’s better.
• Ladies if you love ya man show him you the finest, grind up on him girl show him how you ride it.
• Don’t ask Dad “What’s the problem? ” because he’s got 99 of them, making you…
• Don’t use the later Destinys Child stuff as a focus. They were way, way better around the “Bills, Bills, Bills” era.

We can all get on with hating our worthless lives now.

This was a guest post by Euan L Davidson who is currently shopping for Roc-A-Wear bibs and nappies.

When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can’t you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they’re some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?

You have to question the actions of a couple who haven’t been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry’s parents are devout Christians. So you’d at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.

As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we’re inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna’s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.

Doing a piece of detective work based on pure lyrical logic, we are going on a hunch that Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it. Presumably, her husband Russell Brand didn’t and subsequently filed for divorce. Though we imagine it was done by his PA or faxed through.

So where does Rihanna fit into all of this? 2011 saw her release a new single every 36 seconds and tour a record number of cities that she’d never heard of. HELLO MANCHESTSHIRE! Well it appears the crazy and up-for-anything Russell Brand has calmed down a helluva lot. Gone are the days when he shot junk and dressed as Osama Bin Laden for work. Instead, free range organic tea is his poison of chance. Rihanna doesn’t approach life calmly. In fact, she might have been partying too hard with Katy Perry leading her to a path that Brand disapproved of. According to reports:

“Russell didn’t like his wife hanging out with the sexy singer because the women used to party together. And Russell, being a recovering heroin and sex addict, didn’t think the friendship between Katy and the singer from Barbados was good for their marriage.”

Everybody likes a good party don’t they? Even we’ll try and hide the usual miserable expression on our faces for something people call a “smile” when the opening shapes of the conga are thrown. But if the same reports are to be believed, the situation might be a little awkward:

“Rihanna called and texted Katy all throughout the New Year’s Eve weekend, perhaps influencing her on what to do and where to go to stay out of the limelight. If this is the case, the superstar may have influenced Katy to give up on her marriage and move on as a single woman. And maybe that’s why Katy has been spotted happy in Hawaii, while Russell is looking gloom in London.”

Trust us; they’ll be some sort of musical retort to this marriage breakdown. There’s no doubt that Katy Perry will enlist her pal Rihanna to re-record this nineties classic with directly altered lyrics to show Russell Brand who’s boss:

Beyonce Knowles has been incredibly inconsiderate with all his pregnancy lark. Not only has she had the temerity to appear to have a collapsing, inflatable stomach, she’s also left us prying dimwits completely out of the loop.

WE NEED ANSWERS!

But until then, we’ll just have to speculate. And today, we’re assuming that she’ll be having her baby at 4pm, because she really likes the number four. It’s the 4th  January too. Do keep up. Jesus.

See, Beyonce has an obsession with the number 4 doesn’t she? It’s her lucky number and everything!

She was born on 4th September. Her husband, Jay-Z, he was born on the 4th December. Because of this, they chose to marry on the 4th April.

She also named her latest album ’4′, which is pretty conclusive that this child will be forced out today, at 4pm on the 4th January.

Right?

Want more proof? Beyonce also has ‘up to four pairs of shoes’ according to sources and apparently once ate ‘four breakfasts’ at once. Destiny’s Child also had four members at once and Beyonce is understood to have seen Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol “at least 4 times” with “at least four different people”, which leaves us in no doubt that this baby will be out in the world today.

WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

To those of you who have been tweeting the ether, congratulating Beyonce and Jay Z on their new baby, you look incredibly stupid right now. That’s because Queen B hasn’t had a baby at all. Right? RIGHT?

Obviously, she might not be pregnant at all and is merely waiting for the surrogate to fly from South America next month when the flights are a bit cheaper. She’s got to ditch that inflatable Preg-O-Tum at some point hasn’t she?

That’s if you believe those rumours, which we absolutely do. We won’t believe Beyonce carried the child until we’ve seen her naked, sweating on a hospital bed, with a small human head poking out of her guts. All this doesn’t matter of course because Solange Knowles (Bea’s less successful singing sister) has been shooting down rumours.

Last week, idiots of twitter were cooing all about this baby girl, who Beyonce had named Tiana May Carter. Sadly, it was a work of fiction, leaving fans praising thin-air.

And now, Solange has tweeted:

Shout out to my sister for being THE cutest pregnant woman ever!

Not only that, Billboard reported that they saw Beyonce and Jay Z having dinner on New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn, totally still large of stomach.

So there you have it. Stop praising a baby that doesn’t exist. That’s a stupid thing to do.

What are you? Christians?