This weekend thieves broke into Kourtney Kardashian’s home and stole jewellery worth around $80,000.

But they didn’t take her dignity. True, the only reason for that is because, as a star of an E! reality show and the sister of a woman who everyone has seen getting unenthusiastically diddled from behind on the internet, Kourtney Kardashian shed every last ounce of her dignity long, long ago. But that’s not our point. Our point is that Kourtney Kardashian was burgled this weekend.

So keep your eyes on eBay. As soon as you see a bunch of ugly necklaces that you wouldn’t even wear as a joke, we’ll have found our prime suspect.

If we know our crimes, then burglary to order only tends to happen in the art world, when a billionaire collector pays someone to illegally help complete a priceless set of paintings. But it isn’t a crime exclusive to the art world. For instance, we’re starting to get the impression that a billionaire collector of jewellery belonging to the world’s most pointless, colossally minor celebrities is paying someone to complete his admittedly ridiculous set, too.

Look at the facts. Since last Christmas Paris Hilton has been burgled, and Audrina Partridge from The Hills has been burgled, and Orlando Bloom has been burgled and Lindsay Lohan has been burgled. And now Kourtney Kardashian has been burgled, too. Someone out there must have a real grudge against rubbish celebrities who don’t really serve any real purpose on the planet. What? Don’t look at us. It wasn’t us? Jesus. The New York Daily News reports:

Thieves broke into reality star Kourtney Kardashian’s home this weekend and stole tens of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. Kardashian went to dinner with boyfriend Scott Disick about 7 p.m. Saturday. She returned about 8:30 p.m. to find her Calabasas townhouse ransacked. Among the items the pregnant starlet reported missing were her $30,000 Cartier watch, Disick’s Rolex and various pricey diamond pieces.

Although this is bound to be upsetting for Kourtney Kardashian, the news is bound to have greater repercussions for the celebrity world at large. You might see this spate of robberies and assume that a talented gang of thieves in the Los Angeles area is simply maximising on the busy social lives of young celebrities by raiding their homes for jewels whenever they’re not around, but that’s not what’s really going on here. No, what’s really going on is 2009.

Look at what 2009 has been doing to celebrities – it’s either been killing them or robbing them based on how much people like them. If the celebrity is generally well-loved by fans – like Michael Jackson or Stephen Gately or Farrah Fawcett – then 2009 has killed them. But if they’re a bit annoying and pointless – like Kourtney Karadshian or Lindsay Lohan or Orlando Bloom – then 2009 will just pinch a bunch of their stuff instead.

It’s a genuine worry, and if we were famous we’d be doing our utmost to ensure that we were as horrible and useless and stupid as we could possibly be, just to make sure that 2009 didn’t kill us in our tracks.

Although if we were Kerry Katona we’d probably invest in some sort of biometric safe as well. It’s more or less a foregone conclusion, really.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

9 - Here, have a pretty map of all 13,000 McDonalds branches in America – Geekologie

8 – What’s the highest level of smarm that you think Simon Cowell could ever achieve? Double it. Double it again. You’re still waaaay off – WWM

7 - Look, it’s a lovely teasmade - Interestment

6 – Paris Hilton staring at her own boobs with a sense of childlike wonder – AmyGrindhouse

5 – Courtney Love’s Twitter feed… DECODED! – PopEater

4 - Do you like Agas and polka dots? Well this is your lucky day! - Domesticsluttery

3 - Stuff about New Moon. Oh, pull yourself together - Popsugar

2 – Barack Obama and the Spanish goths – Bestweekever

1 – This is awesome, and you must watch it…

Parade has always felt as though it were one of the more benign of the women’s magazines. It appears to avoid some of the sleazier bylines of the younger magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.

Gone are sub-headings about nifty ways to snare a mate without being slapped with a restraining order. Gone are articles about how to put out on the first date like a good little alpha-female whose moral compass has been carefully whittled over the years thanks to dozens of Sex and the City re-runs.

Seems all of those years of playing sexual second-fiddle to the more overt magazines is taking its toll on Parade. The magazine is biting back and calling a slightly odd selection of celebrities promiscuous, in an attempt to get its sexy back.

On the cover of the new issue of Parade is Barbra Streisand. Yes, Barbra Streisand. Not an easy target, or someone who will lure money right out of a consumer’s wallet using their sexy-face (yes, we’re talking to you Megan Fox). In the publication, Parade released the results of its Summer 2009 Pop Culture Poll. For the most part the poll just has some delightful titbits you may otherwise struggle to get through your day without; for example, Michelle Obama is the biggest trendsetter, and Brad and Angelina are the sexiest couple.

The questions in the poll manage to be inoffensive, save for one oddity.

Can someone please explain to us and the equally bemused beauties over at Jezebel what on earth a poll in Parade is doing with a ‘Who do you think is the most promiscuous celebrity?’ category? What on earth is any magazine doing asking its readers who the biggest celebrity skank is? We’re all for calling celebrities out on their shortcomings, but what the hell Parade? What the hell!

The question is bizarre. As are the options one has to choose from. The celebrities the magazine ask you to rank in order of skankiness are Paris Hilton, Kate Hudson, John Mayer, Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson and A-Rod.

The only one of these people not in a relationship to mind is John Mayer. However, they have all been in fairly long-term relationships at one point or another. For example, Kate Hudson and A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) are currently dating each other, which you would think would be enough to get them both off the list.

Paris Hilton has done a lot to earn the nickname Parasite, but in all fairness, she is usually in a relationship and is currently demonstrating her non-hoeness by dating the same guy she ditched earlier in the year. Lindsay Lohan is in an on-again-off-again jaunt into lesbianism, but she is in something of a monogamous relationship. Lastly, Pamela Anderson has been living in white-trash bliss with some dude (who we cannot bring ourselves to care about as he is not famous) for quite some time now.

Rather than scrape the barrel and resort to name-calling that is better left to websites called snappy things like hecklerspray, perhaps Parade should stick to knitting patterns and summer polls that don’t call out obvious targets like celebrities for their questionable moral standing. Poor form Parade. Poor form.

This was a guest blog by the supreme almighty Amy Grindhouse.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

When Michael Jackson was young, he didn’t really get to do the things that his friends were doing.

Instead of playing baseball and smashing windows with a football, he had to deal with daily beatings. Good old Joe Jackson didn’t want to teach Michael how to dance; he wanted to smack it into him instead.

As a result, nearly everything Michael Jackson has done has causes his fans to literally orgasm when they reminisce about their hero. It’s now a common practice for parents to dangle their children off balconies, all because Michael Jackson did it. However, when it came to naming his own children, Michael didn’t do it! Professional no-one and crap porn maker Paris Hilton helped out. Supposedly. But probably not.

It’s hard to compare Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton. When it comes to music for example there is a guaranteed difference between them. In music videos, Paris Hilton flops around on some sand like a beached whale whilst Michael Jackson saves trees from falling down, dances like a zombie and even makes the flipping pavement light up!

While racking our brains further we still can’t come up with anything that brings the two together. To our knowledge, Michael Jackson didn’t star in a grainy nightvision porn film where he performed oral treats for someone. Nor has he whored himself out on TV to find a BFF. That’s Best Friend Forever, not a dyslexic spelling of the BBC. Though we think he’d be a spiffing weather man.

Everyone knows that Michael Jackson has three children who he liked to dress up in stupid masks. Revelations this week also claimed that he fathered another child who looks like him and also dances like him. Basically you’re looking out for a crazy young man who keeps something like a dolphin as a pet and has had about fifty operations on his face.

Because Michael Jackson believed he was a giant child and would never grow old, we assumed he was going to call his child Peter, after Peter Pan. Or failing that, he’d call his offspring Oil of Olay as it provides baby soft younger looking skin. Shockingly, this isn’t the case and somehow Paris Hilton is involved. Was she employed in the Neverland Ranch to whip his arse or something? The Sun reports:

“My mum and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me.”

Using our expert knowledge of the world, we’ve discovered that there is a place in France called Paris. It’s the capital city apparently and is the prime location for where French people talk about stripy jumpers and eat baguettes that are splattered with garlic and snails. Don’t sign us up for The Bill yet, but we think Michael Jackson might have had a fondness for France and all stuff that is French.

If Paris Hilton really did have any involvement in the naming of Michael Jackson’s children, then she’d have to use the few words in her vocabulary to do so. Imagine the looks on Joe Jackson’s face as he learnt that his grandchild was called ’sparkly’, ‘omg!’, ‘do you know who I am?’ or ‘money.’

Retweet this post or follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Remember that Paris Hilton film Pledge This? No? Well, without a shadow of a doubt that’s Paris Hilton’s fault.

She killed that movie. Not for the reasons stated by Pledge This investor Michael I. Goldberg, though. He says that the film tanked because Paris Hilton didn’t do enough to promote the movie, and because of this he’s dragged Paris to a court in Miami so that he can sue her for $8 million.

Which seems weird. We’re no legal experts, but we’d have assumed that Pledge This tanked because Paris Hilton was in it. Shows what we know, huh?

It’s amazing how many things can stop a movie from being successful. A good script can be mauled by a bad director. A good director can be hamstrung by bad casting. Good footage can be mangled by bad editing. Good films can be destroyed by bad marketing. And then there’s this, the 2006 Paris Hilton movie National Lampoon’s Pledge This…

National Lampoon’s Pledge This was released straight to DVD three years ago and scraped just over a million dollars worldwide. IMDb ranks it as the ninth-worst film in all of history. Now, judging by the trailer – because, good christ, we don’t hate ourselves enough to actually watch the whole thing – we’d say that National Lampoon’s Pledge This failed because:

1 - It looks like a bad 1980s straight-to-VHS sex comedy.

2 - It appears to have been made on a budget of approximately 12p.

3 - The soundtrack unironically features Pump Up The Jam by Technotronic, a 20-year-old song, to denote teenage fun.

4 - The production design has apparently taken all its cues from the terrible mid-1990s sitcom Hanging With Mr Cooper.

5 - It’s a National Lampoon film, which these days is a mark of quality you’d normally only expect from a film called something like You Will Definitely Catch AIDS And Die If You Even Watch A Second Of This Movie, Even By Accident.

Notice that none of those reasons included ‘Paris Hilton is in it’, because surely that’s a given. You put Paris Hilton in a film, you expect nobody to see it. Unless it’s a film of her sucking off a bloke on the internet. And Pledge This almost definitely isn’t that. But try telling that to Pledge This investor Michael I Goldberg, who has decided to sue Paris Hilton for $8 million, citing breach of contract based on her lack of promotion for the movie. So Paris Hilton went to court yesterday, as The Miami Herard reports:

[Goldberg's] attorney, Brian T. West, said that Paris was ”too busy” to do interviews in her many travels and public appearances, and that she skipped appearances on Jay Leno’s and Jimmy Kimmel’s late-night talk shows. Defense attorney Michael Weinstein countered that between December 2006 and May 2007, Hilton ”promoted the hell out of this movie.”

Yeah, and she would have continued promoting it, too, if only she hadn’t wound up in prison for driving around like a drunk old lunatic that time. Stupid prison, always messing up the promotional campaigns of obviously bad films.

Anyway, it seems pretty clear that everyone here – defence, prosecution, the judge – is pushing for a settlement, so that’s what everybody should expect. But the whole affair has meant that Paris Hilton will be forced to be far more diligent when it comes to promoting her movies in the future. And you know what that means – Paris Hilton is going to be on television an even more insufferable amount than she already is.

Michael I Goldberg, we hate you.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

So you’re Paris Hilton. You’re primarily known for having graphic sex on the internet and drink-driving.

Where’s the one place on the planet that you probably shouldn’t visit? Why, somewhere that rules public drunkenness and sex outside of wedlock to be illegal, of course. Somewhere like, ooh, Dubai. Which, incidentally, is where Paris Hilton has decided to set the new season of her reality TV show Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. Seriously. Guh.

We know what you’re thinking, and we totally agree – if Paris Hilton’s new Dubai BFF doesn’t turn out to be Jim Davidson, then we’re starting a riot.

Who thought BFF stood for ‘best friend forever’? You did? Well you’re wrong, and our estimations of you have plummeted as a result, frankly. BFF can’t mean best friend forever, because Paris Hilton is now gearing up for her third season of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, and you’re not allowed to have three best friends forever. No, BFF stands for ‘best friend forthesakeoftemporarilyboostingmyflaggingcareer’ and anyone who disagrees with us is an idiot.

If you’ve never seen an episode of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, by the way, then we should take this opportunity to fill you in – it’s basically The Apprentice, but instead of getting a high-flying job working as an executive for a well-respected businessman, the top prize involves listening to Paris Hilton bleat on witlessly on about her own hair until you can’t take it any longer, rip your own jaw out, beat her over the head with it until she dies and then curl up into the foetal position laughing like a schoolgirl until an ambulance comes to section you.

But anyway, now that Paris Hilton has found idiots willing to be her BFF in America and the UK, it’s now time for her to set her sights on a place that she’s almost comically unsuited to – Dubai. Reuters reports:

Production on the latest version of “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” will begin later this month in Dubai and take 17 days, Ish Entertainment said. “We’re very aware we are not making the same show we would make in Los Angeles,” said Ish co-founder Michael Hirschorn. “I was excited about the sheer, ‘Oh my God, what’s going to happen’ factor,” Hirschorn said.

What’s going to happen? Isn’t it mindblowingly obvious what’ll happen, Michael Hirschorn? Paris Hilton will step off the plane to Dubai in a miniskirt, get instantly arrested for public indecency and spend the next six years crying to herself in a sweltering, overcrowded prison cell. Incidentally, her new best friend will either be a lizard who she adopts as a pet, occasionally breaking its legs so it can never escape, or a giant overweight lesbian who periodically tries to sexually assault Paris at knifepoint.

Either way, we’re in.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

9 – Some cover versions that are better than the originals – Interestment

8 - Who should play Sinatra in the new Scorsese film? Oh, these people – Bestweekever

7 - We wish Watchdog was more like this – Shoutingatcows

6 – Paris Hilton makes an actual documentary about herself. God knows why – Popsugar

5 – When magazines attack each other (it is quite funny) - Amygrindhouse

4 - Some woman from some TV show gets married or something – PopEater

3 - Here’s some news from the terrifying immediate future – Geekologie

2 - We’d imagine that this is how rich people go camping, the bastards – Domesticsluttery

1 - No idea about this whatsoever, other than than we want it with all our heart…

Sometimes it’s obvious to find a solution for a problem that has been bugging you for ages.

Sick of getting a nasty shock all over your body? Removing your fingers from the plug socket will always be a solution to stop that problem.

One eternal issue that has plagued the world for centuries has been war. People have been shoving sticks in to each other, burning down castles and dropping bombs on rival countries. It doesn’t look set to stop any time soon as Batman, The Pope and Bono can’t find a solution. But one dizzy American can. Not Hilary Clinton, but another called Paris Hilton.

We’re going to have to stop slagging off Paris Hilton. Soon, we might not be able to keep up with her ever-expanding career portfolio. Music fans around the world were delighted when Paris decided to launch a fully-fledged singing career. Combined with promo videos to make the wonk-eyed blonde look attractive, it failed to help shift copies of her totally gash album.

Bollocks to the singing lark then. Perhaps Paris could make a comeback as a fully-fledged porn star. Perverts from across the world have been treated to what can only be described as a bobble-headed nightvision frolicking. And thanks to the wonders of file-sharing, the antics of a younger, blonder and still stupid Paris Hilton can still be found on the internet.

Subsequently, Paris has had a lot of people fall out with her about her cock-munching shenanigans. So, she needed to launch a self indulgent TV show where she could search for a new BFF. That’s Best Friend Forever for anyone over the mental age of 12. Apart from attracting a lot of wannabe TV stars, she didn’t really find a sidekick to call her friend to clean up after her in the street.

Now it seems that Paris has turned for another niche in the market to inflict her genius upon us all. After carefully monitoring the situation between Gaza and Palestine and the strained nuclear missile crisis relations between North Korea and America, Paris has thrown her opinion into the ring.

If only we had done this before it popped into the brain of Paris Hilton. World War II could have been over in a few months, Anne Frank would have been able to keep on writing diaries and the Vietnam War wouldn’t have happened. According to Now Magazine, Paris Hilton said:

“I would definitely try to make peace with the countries we are fighting. I’d go over to them and throw a party, so they could all get together and get along and stop the war.”

A party! That’s what we need everyone! A big party so we can hug each other awkwardly and console our differences over a glass of fruit punch whilst midgets bring trays of pineapple on sticks around for everyone.

If only Winston Churchill had thought of doing that with Hitler. If he’d launched a conga line of peace across Europe, then it could have stopped the trail of death and destruction left by English and German bombers. And it would have meant that Pearl Harbour would have never been greenlit. It’s clear we need Paris Hilton more than ever.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Paris Hilton has revealed herself to be ever-so-slightly more shallow than the last time she said something this unfathomable.

Any other celebrity, heck, any other person for that matter, spitting out such insultingly ill-thought out nonsense would perhaps, if they too were 28 years old, be just cause to have them sectioned.

The world scratched its head as the heiress revealed that the single worst moment of her life was when her tiny teacup pooch went missing.

So, screw all you people losing your jobs in droves. Screw everyone at the epicentre of the financial implosion. And an obligatory screw you to anyone and everyone with the sniffles, convinced they have Swine Flu.

Everything that happens in Paris’ life is more important than in yours, because the woman herself is more important than you.

Ok, has she gone yet… oh good, we can stop trumpeting.

The above should read that the reality star seems to be of the impression that she and her double AAs are more important than anything you have going on in your life right now. Yes you, the one eating a cold Pot Noodle while hovering precariously over your laptop. Did you know that a woman who is nearing 30, yet has little more to do to fill her days than tanning, lost her tiny dog and that it made her so sad she pulled her “Whaaa!” face?

Well you should, because the sex tape star has revealed just how empty, meaningless and vacuous her life is and now that we have drawn you into the mix, you should know that the utter vapidity of the quote below may be enough to make your brains melt out of your ears.

Paris explains to Tatler magazine:

Her worst moment was when her dog vanished. ’It was so scary – she was gone for a week and I wasn’t sure if she’d ever come back. It was like losing a child. She was a couple of blocks away at an old lady’s house. The lady didn’t watch TV so she didn’t know my dog was missing. Then she saw the sign and I got her back.’

So, we guess you know you have no real life experience – when not having any children and therefore having no basis whatsoever for comparison – you exclaim that losing your pet (whom you rarely take care of yourself) is utterly tragic and near life destroying.

Shall we play a game? OK, let’s think of other objects/ people etc to remove from the life of this parasite and see just how comically and insignificantly upset she gets then.

Heaven help the world if her iron-laced womb is actually capable of gestating mini-Hiltons. Littler socialites and their even tinier dogs running around our ankles for eternity, giving quotes of equal or less value than that of the above.

Shall we just arrange the group cyanide poisoning now and save ourselves the agony? Anyone?

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse who is a) a woman and b) quite lovely.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But Nicky Hilton? Nicky Hilton arrests them. Which, somewhat bewilderingly, is what happened at 5am on Saturday morning. According to reports, a homeless man named Michael Broadhurst decided to shove Nicky Hilton in the back outside a pancake shop, and Nicky responded by placing that no-home mofo under citizen’s arrest.

Which, technically, isn’t correct. Nicky Hilton should have placed the tramp under vapid, waify billionaire heiress arrest, but it wouldn’t have sounded quite as good.

Today is Pancake Day – obviously the best day of the year. You will spend today feasting on piles of delicious pancakes, we will spend today co-creating this ridiculous Twitter Pancake tag and Nicky Hilton will spend it, where possible, washing the scum off the streets like some sort of skinny, mostly-pointless Dog The Bounty Hunter.

But unlike Dog The Bounty Hunter, Nicky Hilton doesn’t need a bucket of bear mace and an absurdly-chested wife to help her enforce street justice – all she needs is the often-underused power of the citizen’s arrest, which is apparently what she did on Saturday morning outside a pancake shop. A policeman told Newsday:

“One of our deputies was at the IHOP, having a coffee break, and noticed a waitress run outside.” Another deputy was then called “because there was a misdemeanor battery that involved Nicky Hilton and a man named Michael Broadhurst.” The 50-year-old homeless person “came up behind Ms. Hilton and pushed her. She’s OK, but she was desirous of prosecution. She said, ‘I am placing you under citizen’s arrest!’”

What is it with heated batter that turns celebrities into wild-eyed vigilantes? You’ll remember that Kid Rock only starts fights when he’s in waffle restaurants, and now Nicky Hilton is taking the law into her own hands outside pancake shops, too. Mark these words – at some point before Easter, George Takei will stab a man to death for looking at his Yorkshire Puddings funny.

But back to Nicky Hilton. It was incredibly brave of her to take on her homeless would-be attacker herself like that, especially since Michael Broadhurst must easily be the poorest man she’s ever met. Second after him is now Kim Kardashian, who has a speedboat but it isn’t even painted gold, the grotty skank ho.

But, while Nicky Hilton’s citizen’s arrest has turned her into a genuinely weird postergirl for law and order, we still hope that this arrest was a one-off. We don’t want to go into why too much, but it’d be an awful strain on her time, what with her family’s recorded enjoyment of DUI and all. The paperwork alone would render it virtually impractical.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Gee, thanks Razzies! But while we await the Razzies’ next profoundly original thought – something tells us it’ll involve bears and woods – let’s reflect on Saturday night’s Razzies, where Mike Myers’ The Love Guru managed to win Worst Picture, Worst Actor and Worst Screenplay.

A clean sweep for The Love Guru? Hardly – because yet again, Jessica Alba managed to avoid getting a Worst Actress award. Hey Razzies, she’s not going to marry just because you only think she’s marginally abominable.

Because of the Oscars, today is about success. Well, no, to be accurate last night was about success – today is either about hangovers, empty-handed bitterness or the life-destroying realisation that Mickey Rourke mistook you for a lady and rogered you silly in a toilet while you were tipsy on complimentary champagne.

But Saturday? Saturday was all about failure. Glorious, near-superhuman failure. That’s because Saturday was Razzies day, and only the worst of the worst can win at the Razzies. You want to win a Golden Raspberry? Then you’d better make a film about a woman skidding around on her menstrual blood in a chemist, hadn’t you?

Sadly, nobody in the last 12 months had got round to making a film as spectacularly horrible as Dirty Love, but that just left the field wide open for The Love Guru, Mike Myers’ shockingly unfunny comedy which was the early favourite to clean up at the Razzies thanks to its four billion nominations.

And on Saturday night, The Love Guru didn’t disappoint. BBC News reports:

Mike Myers’ comedy flop The Love Guru has dominated the Golden Raspberries, the spoof prizes awarded to the worst Hollywood movies of the year. The film won Razzies for worst picture, worst actor – for Myers in the title role – and worst screenplay, in the annual eve-of-Oscars mock-ceremony. In a rare double, socialite Paris Hilton “won” prizes for worst actress and supporting actress.

Did Mike Myers attend The Razzies to collect his award? No, of course he didn’t – judging by all the interviews he’s done over the last year, Mike Myers only ever agrees to go out in public if he’s allowed to waffle on for seven hours about the marriage of spirituality and creativity in the most humourless way imaginable.

But more fool us, because even though he’s responsible for what’s now officially the worst movie of the year, it’s not what people will remember him for. No, they’ll remember Mike Myers for Shrek. And Shrek 2. And Shrek 3. And Shrek 4. And Shrek The Halls. And Shrek: Smash N Crash Racing. And Shrek: Far Far Away Idol. And Shrek 4-D. And Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. And So I Married An Axe Murderer. And that’s probably about it.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Katy Perry has been seen out with the former love-interest of Paris Hilton, bad boy rocker Benji Madden.

The I Kissed A Girl singer broke up with Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes back in December and seems to have put her faux lesbianism on hold long enough to catch the eye of a new man.

The pair set tongues wagging after they were seen together at an event on Valentine’s Day, seemingly putting past troubled relationships behind them.
As we all saw, the relationship between Paris and Benji was a tricky one. It was a slippery slope where Paris’ former paramour got thinner and more drawn-looking as the relationship progressed.

Some speculated the weight loss in Benji was the result of stress from being in such a high-profile relationship. Others insinuated that it was some form of nasty flesh-eating bacteria that Benji may or may not have picked up from his partner during one of their raunchy lovemaking sessions.

Either way it is certain that Benji is half the man he used to be. He has half the weight, half the style and roughly less than half of his original street credibility.

All of the above is about to be lessened further still by his alleged interest in Katy Perry, the ever-controversial woman whom we sometimes like to call Not Lily Allen.

Not Lily is sure to erode the last of her new man’s credibility and gain a few extra column inches at the same time. According to reports, the pair got cosy with each other on the weekend. From People magazine:

Following her Valentine’s show at Hard Rock Hotel’s Wasted Space, Perry, 24, and Madden, 29, headed to Lavo – where the two conspicuously cuddled throughout the night, later prompting one observer to sense “some chemistry there.” Madden, in town to deejay, even danced for Perry during several songs – and at those rare times when their hands weren’t on each other’s legs.

Admittedly the pairing would be a more compatible one. They look like far less of an eyesore when standing together for a start.

They share the same punk style of dress and they have comparable family backgrounds. Katy was raised by an extremely religious family, including a father who was an Evangelical pastor, while Benji and his twin brother Joel had a strict Christian upbringing.

No word yet on just how Paris reacted to finding out her ex-boyfriend was taken off the market. If memory serves her usual reaction is to wear a subtle-as-a-poke-in-the-eye slogan t-shirt with a comedy catchphrase.

Paris is seemingly keeping her comedy slogans to herself for the time being. Maybe it’s safe to presume that at age 28 she has finally matured beyond the point of such high school style retaliation… or perhaps that is one presumption too far!

This has been a guest blog by the always-adorable Amy Grindhouse. Visit her site now. We’ll know if you don’t, you know.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Stand still for long enough and the local addicts will quickly assume you’re a dealer.

Camden is also the spiritual home of Amy Winehouse, Sarah Harding and unfunny man Noel Fielding. Not only do you have to be content with sharing a postcode with these people, but you also have to put up with the hundreds of copycat children who don jeans so tight that their right testicle will explode from the pressured circulation. But prepare yourself for some LA glamour – Paris Hilton’s coming to town.

In LA, the fashionable elite eat organically steamed celery and slurp double skinny vanilla lattes with extra froth whilst walking round with miniature dogs that crap in their Gucci bags. Over in London, it’s less glamorous as punters can be seen eating kebabs made from the remains of rat and road kill whilst stepping over drunken tramps.

Why Paris Hilton wants to leave LA for London is beyond us. Perhaps she wants to see what happens when a couple of snowflakes fall and the entire city grinds to a halt. Maybe she’s filming a new TV show called Paris Hilton’s Weather Extremes.

Sadly, we won’t be seeing Paris chase tornadoes as she desperately tries to recreate her childhood dream of filming a scene from the film Twister. Unfortunately she’ll have to be content with buying lime-flavoured lollies from an ice-cream man who’ll no doubt want to cover it in red sauce.

Because most people in America see Paris as an annoying and pointless human being, she’s widened her search for a new best friend to England. Or most likely London due to budget restraints. And now she wants to come here for good, as a source told Digital Spy:

“Paris started looking for a base when she was last in the UK to film her ITV2 reality show, Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend. She initially thought about living near Hampstead and Belsize Park, but moved on to Camden, where she could get more bedrooms for her money.”

Near Hampstead? Maybe she could visit the heath and organise a play date with toilet frolicking George Michael. Not only would she keep him from doing anything dodgy in a public toilet, but she could at least bag herself a Gay British Best Friend.

If everything does go wrong with the show and Paris fails to find a best friend to exploit her fortune, there are alternative career paths for her. London is full of seedy back alleys full of places that dirty old men visit. With an established porn career behind her, Paris can open up her own whore house!

Imagine the flickering broken neon light as it displays one of the multiple names that she could call name her knocking shop. Whore Do You Think I Am? A Taste Of LA and Tit For Tat are just some of the names that are screaming out to be taken.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

9 - How cocktails got their kerrazy names – Mentalfloss

8 - Men’s Fitness in ‘obvious latent homosexuality’ shock – Mensfitness

7 - Want to make a car than runs on rubbish? OK! – Instructables

6 - New movies that nobody could give a flying tit about - Cinemablend

5 – Paris Hilton talks. In sentences. We know – Popsugar

4 - Visual evidence of why skiing is for dimwits – TSG

3 - All the seasons of 24 in less than 24 words. Impressive – Metromix

2 - Oh Esther, you didn’t need to draw any more attention to them! – Holy Moly

1 – Well, what else are you going to do if you break into a sex store?  - News

Oh, wait, yes she did. Our mistake. Anyway, Paris Hilton has has jewellery worth $2 million burgled from her bedroom and she’s furious about it. And that intense fury has led Paris to come to one conclusion: that the burglar had been in her bedroom before.

So now the police are drawing up a suspect list based on all the men who have ever been in Paris Hilton’s bedroom. Something tells us we’re going to here a while, people.

It’s not nice to be burgled. As much as the loss of your possessions is upsetting, it’s nothing compared to the unsettling knowledge that a stranger was rummaging around in your personal possessions behind your back. It’s awful.

Luckily, though, it’s nothing new for Paris Hilton – there are several fairly explicit internet videos of strangers rummaging around in her personal possessions behind her back – so she’s been able to deal with the news of her recent burglary with an unusual amount of maturity.

We reported yesterday that Paris Hilton was burgled last week, and the thief made off with jewellery worth $2 million. But while others would lose their heads by upping security and lashing out bitterly at those around them, Paris Hilton is very calmly and very sensibly taking the rational approach to all of this – she’s blaming her friends.

More or less, anyway. Because she’s seen upwards of three episodes of CSI - the good one, too, not the one with the funny-looking leprechaun in it – Paris Hilton has become absolutely convinced that her burglary was an inside fix-up. E! Online reports:

“I think whoever did this, definitely has been there before. We have some suspects that I’m thinking of.” The items taken included “jewelry, watches, every ring I own,” Hilton said. “All my necklaces, jewelry that my grandmothers gave me that I’ll never be able to replace. It’s really scary but they’re doing a huge investigation on this and we’re going to catch this person.”

It’s great to see that Paris Hilton is taking such a hands-on approach to the police investigation into her burglary. In fact, we’ve already snuck a peek at Paris Hilton’s first-draft suspect list – a list that includes Nicole Richie for “totally being a bitch,” Kim Kardashian because she’s “like, a major skank” and Lindsay Lohan, on the basis that “she smells like fannies and is a whore”. Great work, officer Hilton. You’ll be promoted to lieutenant any day now at this rate.

But until this burglar is caught, Paris Hilton is going to have to drastically rethink how she stores her valuables. Rather than just leave them all strewn around her bedroom like some sort of offensively wealthy teenage girl, Paris should find somewhere safe for them – somewhere hidden and difficult to get into.

So that’s her vagina out of the question, then. That was our only suggestion, actually. Sorry.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!