How are your ears? Like having them? They’re great for holding your glasses up aren’t they? Pierced them? How nice. Alas, there’s one drawback with ears – you can hear stuff. Yep, all manner of useless dreck can creep in their and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Unless you stuff the canal with liquid concrete and then lop them off with cigar clippers.

And you may want to do exactly that because the most appalling news has come our way – Paris Hilton is making a pop comeback and she’s teaming up with zany-irony gobblers and ear-wormers, LMFAO. If you don’t know what that means, let us draw out the horror.

You may not know this, but Paris Hilton actually had a record out a while ago. She released an album in 2006 and, of course, it was lousier than a thousand Ed Sheerans.

And so, in a bid to buy herself a number one, she’s decided that she will hire the second most irritating music producers on the planet (the first being 3OH!3 who look exactly like the kind of lads who would wag their tongues and shout ‘BREWSKI!’ while spitroasting a drunk girl on some grotty amateur video).

She told MTV News:

“We’re going to be doing my new single with LMFAO… I’ve known them since I was a little girl. We grew up together ’cause our parents are friends, so I’m just so proud of them and all their success and what they’ve done ’cause they’ve just created this whole Party Rock brand and it’s just so awesome.”

You want to hear some of that ‘Party Rock brand’ don’t you?

And so, listening to that, you’re probably thinking that it’s pretty derivative, blurt-pop as influenced by Timbaland at his worst, as much as it’s influenced by terrible squelch-house, right?

Well, if you can put a name on it, you’ll be helping out Paris who insists her new album will be very different from her debut:

“I’m going with a whole new genre.”

So basically, it better sound a million miles away from this or we’ll think you’re full of it. Which you are. However, this threat comes with a ‘…and if we aren’t satisfied with the results, we’ll come and skin your chihuahuas’. Okay? No pressure.

Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.

Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!

See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?

In a bid to mend the broken insides of Lindsay Lohan, the law has required her to complete 12 morgue visits and 4 psychotherapy sessions by Tuesday’s court hearing. That’s more dead body contact than psychiatric help. How wonderful!

While at the morgue, Lohan has been a model employee, which clearly means that she’s falling in love with all the stiffs.

After tomorrow’s hearing, Lindsay will be at the halfway mark of her probation, which means that she’ll have to complete ANOTHER 12 morgue visits and 4 therapy classes.

She’s going to be barking mad by the time the law is done with her.

And the best thing is, should she mess up, she’ll find herself being sent to prison for 270 days, which will absolutely erode whatever semblance of human is left in there.

She doesn’t stand a chance does she?

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she’s a moron. That’s the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The starlet drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she’s ‘at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn’t want to remember the first second third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms

And while there’s talk that she could be playing Liz Taylor in a flick (a mental harridan portraying an older, equally dead-eyed lunatic), her work shouldn’t ever be considered as inspiration for a tattoo.

Other possible highlight from 2011 that Lindsay might want to commemorate:

• Racking up $1.4m in legal fees
• Losing $10,000 cash at a house party
• Being photographed French-kissing her own mother
• Having her dad tell everyone that she’s ‘either smoking crack or meth’
• Being sentenced to 30 days in jail
• Getting fitted with a new set of teeth to make her look less of a meth-head
• Spending over $90,000 on limos
• Being accused of having an affair with married man Vikram Chatwal
• Threatening to sue Pitbull, Dania Ramez and Mena Suvari,
• Being caught shoplifting a necklace
• Getting sued for assault and battery

To be fair, we only went as far back as far as July 2011 before we got bored of thinking of reasons why 2011 was ‘a great point of her life’.

It’s entirely possible that she saved some nuns, puppies and orphans from a house fire previous to this.

Lindsay darling, when most people are at a point in their lives they want to remember, they take a Polaroid. They don’t sketch the phrase on their hands like that vigilante from Memento.

There’s nothing good about this tattoo – the hand writing looks like it was scrawled by a drunken crack w- oh, oh wait, we get it now.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik and, most likely, she’s gonna kick you into a coma.

Good ol’ Lindsay Lohan. She’s spectacularly hapless isn’t she? You could leave her on an infinitely smooth surface, devoid of any life and, somehow, she’d still end up getting arrested with illegal articles about her person.

She’s a godsend for pondscum like us.

And now, tremendously, she’s threatening to kill people and missing $10,000 from a Chanel purse because, no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t avoid melodrama and vague trouble. Still, at least we can all gawp at her leaked Playboy nudes, right?

See, LiLo was left irked after her purse got pinched. In leaked audio footage, the Mean Girls actress (we have to keep saying ‘Mean Girls star’ because she’s really done nothing of note since then) can be heard spitting that she’ll “f**king kill someone” if it means she has to go back to jail.

Basically, her passport, some documents and ID was swiped in her hideously expensive bag, which meant that she wouldn’t have been able to get back to Los Angeles in time for her next court date.

That could’ve meant a judge sending her to the slammer.

During the clip obtained by TMZ, Lindsay can be heard saying:

“This is not good. I will f**king kill someone if I even have to get questioned.”

Alas, her bag was eventually recovered along with her documents. Smartly, whoever stole the bag managed to keep a tidy $10,000 for themselves. Nice job Thiefo.

And while all this was going on, the rest of the world was ogling LiLo’s leaked Playboy nudes, which marvellously means that no-one needs to buy a copy now.

Who wants to buy actual magazines these days when you have brilliant sites like this to yoink all the good stuff for you, eh?

Have a look. And no, they are totally not safe to view at work. Or NSFW if you’ve been skim reading.

Images found here. They have more photographs too. Go sue them if you have a problem. Thanks.

Everybody knows that, if you want to really, really, really convey gravitas, pink pen is the way to do it. Suicide note? Pink pen. Will? Pink pen. Dear John letter? Pink pen. First draft of Mein Kampf? Pink pen, preferably glittery.

And so, it has been discovered that Lindsay Lohan’s journal is written in the pinkest of pens. That’s because she’s a girl and all girls always write in pink pen, in their pink diaries, in their pink Hello Kitty bedrooms.

So what’s this about gravitas? Well, if you want the world to hear about your love affair with Heath Ledger and his subsequent death? Pink pen.

See, LiLo isn’t all (the following are alleged for the sake of spying lawmen) stealing jewels, punching people in rehabs, lesbian trysts, class A drugs, falling down drunk, ankle tags, sex toy ranges and getting your boobies out for Hugh Hefner.

Hell no. Lindsay is a real person, with real feelings and a pink biro.

In a joint investigation, Star and RadarOnline have told the world that Lohan uses a pink pen to write in her diary. Of course, the words she’s written in pink aren’t always fluffy and cute.

In a copy of LiLo’s 2008 journal which they’ve somehow obtained, the freckled thesp expresses deep romantico-sexual feelings for Heath Ledger. Her soul was all entwined like mating slugs hanging from a branch by their sexy mucus.

In the journal, LiLopalooza wrote:

“Today Heath died”

“I’m in love with him. . . . He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Grieving widow, Michelle Williams, must be absolutely thrilled at this news. Next week, we explore why Hollywood is so bloody incestuous.

It’s good to be writing trash about Lindsay Lohan again. For a moment, it looked like she was going to start being well-behaved and no-one wants that. Premature death, arrest, drug-use – all those things are fine. Being a goodytwoshoes? Who cares?

And since she got her ankle tag off, she’s been doing a nudie photoshoot for Playboy, which is thrilling for all concerned.

Better yet, is that some scamp has decided to leak the cover which features Lohan and her boobies are there and a red chair and… why don’t you see for yourself over the jump?

The rabble-rousing actress was last on these pages as a potential sex-toy (click here for more on the LiLdo) and now she’s going to be the affections of a million trouser botherers.

On the cover, you’ll see LiLo straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair, with her long, flowing breasts all there, complete with black heels.

Remember folks. If you insist on wearing footwear when naked, never EVER let the things on your feet be white tube socks, okay?

Anyway, it is widely rumoured that Lohan was paid $1 million for the shoot and it was going to be revealed – remarkably – on the Ellen DeGeneres show on December 15th.

We’ll show it off instead.

Of course, we’re too thick to actually hack an account and leak something. A random internet search showed these people showing it off. They’re one of many. So if anyone is thinking of suing us, go see the Metro newspaper first eh? No-one actually enjoys reading that, so go book ‘em Danno!

Speaking about the snaps, which appear in the January/February issue of the magazine, Hefner spoke about the inspiration behind the shots.

“It’s a classic tribute, inspired by the original Tom Kelley nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe. [It's] classy, very classy”

“It turned out very well. I would say that I had some reservations early on, but after a couple of false steps, everybody came on board and it’s going to be very exciting”

Marilyn Monroe? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. We’re sick of the bloody sight of her.

It’s always nice when a grotesquely wealthy person goes to visit poor people. It gives them an ideal opportunity to perfect their worried, moved facial expressions. We’ve seen it with Angelina Jolie as she globetrots to the scrubbers.

And now, Paris Hilton is taking time out of her busy holidaying schedule to go and cry at some orphans in Bali.

That’s nice of her isn’t it? She was probably wearing make-up which cost more than all the orphans had ever possessed in their short, miserable lives. Still, CHARITY!

The heiress and celebutante took time off  from people trying to arrest her for mistaking wraps of cocaine for chewing gum to stand motionlessly, holding back obviously real tears, in two of Indonesias orphanages.

Of course, being the expert grief-tourist, Paris posted a photo of herself with the kids on her twitter page and revealed the visit had been a wonderful experience.

Get that? Wonderful. It was wonderful watching children grinning briefly thanks to their wonder at seeing a orange skinned, peroxide blonde tottering around their normally grim home. They were afforded the opportunity to forget about how they ended up in such a desperate situation, unaware that Paris only usually roughs it with poor people when mocking them in her Simple Life show.

Hilton wrote:

“Had a great day spending time with the orphans from 2 of the orphanages in #Bali. Such sweet, beautiful children. Loved seeing them smile … The orphans in #Bali are so adorable. Loved being with them today … A pic from today w/ the orphans in #Bali. They are such sweet children. Love them!”

She then posted a link to non-profit organisation Yayasan Kasih Peduli Anak, which we’ve also done, so stop whining about our mocking of Hilton and her obvious attempts at alleviating her own guilt of having such an unfairly large amount of money to fritter away on clothes for her many tiny, coal-eyed dogs.

She tweeted, on a phone or tablet which will have cost her more than the orphans can even imagine:

“The orphans of #Bali need your help. Make a difference. Change a child’s life. Please donate”

Still, at least Paris Hilton felt good about her utterly vapid life. She signed-off with a flourish, saying:

“Bali completely changed my outlook on life. Feel so #blessed. See the world differently.”

Now, she’s only going to buy organic Class A drugs.

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When you need money, you need money, right? We’ve all, at some point, turned our mothers in to become prostitutes when we’ve needed money to buy rolling tobacco and cans of Spesh. However, when you’re a celebrity, you simply turn yourself in.

How wonderful that must be.

And Lindsay Lohan, fresh off the back of accepting a large cheque to bare her boobies in Playboy, could well be going into the sex toy industry. Could it be a lifesize Lohan doll you can have your way with? Or will it be a contraption called ‘The Parent Trap’, which is like a Chinese finger trap, for genitals?

Apprently, LiLo has been offered $1 million to launch her very own line of bedroom toys.

There’s a lot of themes you could play with when designing these things. A diamond-encrusted one, akin to the jewels she stole from that shop! Or maybe, one that smells of a boozy burp in rehab? Or a particularly large vibrator that makes you screw your face up like a mean girl?

The best, of course, would be the handcuff set, completely with sexy judge’s wig.

Not sure you’d want to see a line that is based on her current community service work at the Los Angeles County Morgue. Takes allsorts though.

No. The offer, as it stands, is from a sex toy manufacturer who want a mould of LiLo’s genitals so that… well… if you need telling what comes next, then it’s time for you to start using the internet properly.

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Boob enthusiasts may want to take note of this article. Y’see, Lindsay Lohan appears to be getting her freckled bangers out in the fresh air while someone photographs them, so we can use them for our own nefarious purposes.

That’s right. Provided she doesn’t end up someone’s prison bitch any time soon, LiLo is doing a nude photoshoot for Playboy.

She’ll be getting nearly a million dollars for it, which means that each of her boobs is worth more than an entire you.

Hugh Hefner will be trying to forget about that painful, failed marriage and offering Lindsay lots of money to get ‘em out for us.

Maybe she’ll use the money to get her teeth fixed?

According to sources, the shoot started over the weekend, which means that Linds must be juggling her morgue duties with getting naked. Hopefully, the shoot is taking place amongst the cadavers, just for interest of course.

Of course, we’ve all seen Lindsay Lohan’s busters before. She flopped them out in Robert Rodriguez’s Machete as well as posing boobful as icon Marilyn Monroe for New York magazine in 2008.

While this is all well and good, we much prefer the drug-taking, getting into fights in rehab, always drunk, jewel stealing Lohan that was constantly on our radar for all those years.

Better than nothing.

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Lindsay Lohan has, once again, been troubling the media outlets with her presence again. Basically, she’s not being fulfilling her court-order and dodging her community service. At the same time, she’s been spotted with little stumpy teeth.

That’s right. All her pegs are falling out of her mouth and it’s kinda funny.

Even funnier is that she’s probably going to be sent by a judge to a place filled with dead-bodies. Will people be able to tell her apart from the rotting cadavers, leaving her being slammed into one of those refrigerated filing cabinets with a note on her toe? We can only hope.

Lohan’s got yet-to-be-completed work at the Los Angeles County Department of Coroner. That may sound duller than ditch water, but it’s an exciting three-building complex that houses more corpses than Charlie Manson’s daydreams.

It really is a wonderful place. You should visit.

While she’s there, Lohan will have to do a bunch of lousy activities. A spokesman for the cadaver factory says:

“The people who come here to perform community service are generally engaged in custodial or janitorial duties.”

“They also do some other tasks, such as laundry…essentially, emptying trash cans, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, restocking bathrooms, basic custodial stuff.”

Surrounded by dead bodies! HURRAY! And we can only imagine what you’d find in a trashcan that is held in corpse central.

Just imagine emptying a bin full of rotten fingers. JUST PICTURE THAT. Enjoying your lunch?

She may also have to prepare the plastic sheets they wrap up the bodies in. Ain’t that grand?

Don’t worry too much for LiLo. She’s amazingly reckless and wealthy so she’ll get over it. If she doesn’t, she’ll hit the sauce again and end up on these very pages after she’s got in loads of trouble with everyone.

It really is win-win.

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The curse of Celebrity Big Brother is rearing its ugly head again as former contestants and professional divorcees Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton announce that they think they’re ready to reproduce.

Jordan’s former fella spread the word via one of those glossy lady rags that you see in your dentist’s waiting room, but would never pick up because there’s a picture of Alex Reid on the cover trying his best to look like he’s still a cage-fighter…

…or vaguely relevant.

According to Reid, who’s been dating Chantelle for less than 6 months, Houghton is, “the one.” He didn’t clarify whether he meant romantically or in more of an intellectual capacity, but for arguments sake we’ll just assume he meant he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with a woman who secretly arranged for photographers to follow her and her ex, Rav Wilding, around, just so that she’d get some column inches.

The lawyers have informed us that we should probably point out that it’s only alleged that Chantelle had the paparazzi follow her around, but let’s be honest, we all know it was true.

So, with a cross dressing cage fighter and an equally imbecilic former Paris Hilton impersonator for parents, what can we expect from this imminently arriving celebrity sprog?

First off, upon exiting the womb the baby will be expected to sign an exclusivity deal with both OK! Magazine and Channel 5, ensuring that every word, step, burp and bowel movement will be documented live for our entertainment. It’ll be like the Truman Show, but with a disturbing sexual undertone.

Secondly, the baby is going to be stupid and we blame the parents. Let’s face it, Reid and Houghton have probably spent more time on a sun bed than they have curled up with a good book.

Thirdly, it’s inevitable that Alex and Chantelle, or Alelle as we are now to call them, will be voted as celebrity parents of the year. Despite the fact the child was quite obviously just a PR stunt that they’ll end up dumping 6 months later, like the proverbial kitten in a sack.

Good luck Alex and Chantelle. May the fruit of your loins be every bit as charismatic and loveable as you are.

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Marriage, doesn’t it bring a tear to your eye? All the time spent waiting, preparing and planning all boil down to a single day where any unplanned accident will probably ruin absolutely everything while some guests you don’t like very much laugh on from the sidelines. Over the weekend, the American equivalent of the the Royal Wedding happened. Kim Kardashian went and got herself married. It was not televised.

We’re not entirely sure what Kim Kardashian actually does. Even the caretaker in your local school who throws sawdust over children’s vomit has more influence on the world than her. In a way, she’s very much like us.

However, the American socialite is able to arousing gentlemen who enjoy watching two people engaging in coitus, the ol’ in-out-in-out, the hokey cokey, bangin’, you know… sex. Despite her skin flick leaking online a few years ago, the video saw an unexpected rise in views as those who weren’t invited to the wedding decided to get involved. With their sexual organs.

It seems that if you’re one of these socialite types, then accidentally making a grot tape is one of the tasks that you have to complete. Blond div and general idiot Paris Hilton unexpectedly took part in the tastefully titled “1 Night In Paris” film. Hilton claimed she wasn’t aware that a camera was recording the limp action, but she was able to answer a phonecall mid bonk, proving how much fun she was having at the time.

How do you get away from calling yourself a socialite? Kim Kardashian also lists other extensive talents such as a television personality, model and actress. Again, we can only assume that these loose associations come after the release of her porn film. In a game of word association, this is normally the first thing we think of in relation to her, unless she’s been doing UN peace missions and keeping it firmly under wraps. Anyway, it was reported that:

“Kim Kardashian’s internet sex tape received over two million hits this weekend – because of all the fanfare over her wedding to Kris Humphries. The excitement over the reality star’s nuptials resulted in a huge demand for the saucy video, which Kim made with her ex Ray J in 2007 – and instantly regretted.”

Instead of a whole load of pitchfork waving Christians threatening to murder Kim Kardashian for sinning and making baby Jesus cry, she actually found herself catapulted into the limelight with all sorts of magazine, book and TV deals coming her way. As if to prove that the world we live in is a depressing place, Montana Fishburne, daughter of film star Laurence, cited the Kim Kardashian sex tape as an influence on her career. All because it elevated her to fame, something she herself wanted.

Feminists might be building an effigy of Kim Kardashian to burn in utter shame and disgust due to her reliance on a man’s meatstick for achieving personal the dizzy heights of popularity. They might not. We’re sure they’ve got other things on their minds.

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Lindsay Lohan may want to walk away from trouble, but the fact is, trouble isn’t prepared to let her go. Trouble, in this instance, is like a jealous ex who won’t let her get on with her life because he knows that LiLo is super fun when she’s evading the law and falling flat on her face, hammered on cheap cocktails.

And so, after a really boring house-imprisonment, it looked like Lohan was going to start working on films again and giving us leeches absolutely nothing to write about.

AND THEN! PRAISE BE! Remember that woman who said LiLo smacked her upside her head in rehab? She’s back. And she’s back with a million dollar lawsuit!

The star of (the very underrated) Mean Girls was accused of lamping Dawn Holland during her time at the Betty Ford clinic in California, where she was not only serving three months of judge-ordered treatment, but apparently sloping off and getting drunk as a bag of alcoholics with chums.

We like it when she pointlessly rebels against things. That’s what famous people are supposed to do.

Holland claimed that Lohan attacked her, but alas, got the sack for blabbing about what went on behind closed doors. It’s not exactly cricket to talk about the things that go on in a rehab (but we’re eternally grateful that she did).

Holland took her complaint to police, only to later dropped the claims. This is because everyone mouthed ‘bullshit’ at her and someone, somewhere said ‘let us go and get the CCTV tapes shall we?’

However, the rehabber realised that even a slim chance of pinning something on LiLo would likely result in a rather large amount of money making its way to her presumably beleaguered bank account, and as such, has now kicked off a brand new lawsuit.

She’s alleging that Linds was violent towards her when she tried to jam a breathalyzer test in the actresses gob, which resulted in the very sexy sounding event of “twisting and pulling it for 8-10 seconds”.

Out of court settlement anyone?

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Paris Hilton is a woman who is, of yet, still to reveal her talents to us, despite being fantastically famous. Sure, she’s had a couple of television shows and a record out… but so has Handy Andy from Changing Rooms.

Doggedly, she remains. She is now famous simply by the virtue of willing it. She just keeps standing there and saying it. “I’m famous. I’m famous. I’m famous.” However, is her star on the wane?

In fact, are ‘celebutantes’ becoming a thing of the past? Whatever you do, don’t ask Paris that or she’ll promptly walk out on you in a massive huff.

Hilton walked out on an interview with ABC News (who presumably didn’t have any real news to cover, like the fact there’s a famine in Somalia, the fall of Rupert Murdoch and the small matter of Ghana’s government seeking to arrest and imprison every homosexual in their country and the like) when she was asked if she was now second-fiddle to the likes of Kim Kardashian, and indeed, concerned that her newest show is being watched by… well… no-one.

Paris don’t like questions like that.

However, after realising that everyone would start saying she’s a jumped-up, spoiled little dirtbox (well, we’ve been saying it a while, but she will have only just realised it now), she decided to come back to the interview and do what any of us would do in the same situation.

She showed off her jumbodome sized air-conditioned dog house, complete with chandeliers, lighting and heating before hugging the interviewer.

Paris Hilton there, completely in touch with reality.

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