We’ve all been to a wedding, haven’t we? Well, here at hecklerspray we have attended many of the weddings of creepy, affected Michael Jackson fans and creepy, affected Beliebers who met as a direct result of their not being able to take a joke.

Of course these weddings are all jelly and ice-cream affairs with two songs played on repeat. Let’s say- for argument’s sake- that shit one by Justin Bieber and the other shit one that the dead guy did with Akon from beyond the grave.

Generally though, weddings are a bit of a laugh. Admittedly one has to sit through the bone-crushing boredom of the ceremony behind two people who are statistically more likely to get divorced in a blaze of tears and other people’s bodily fluids than they are to live happily, professing their undying love for one another until the day that they eventually pop off this mortal coil, safe and sound in their beds like that bit at the end of that crap Robin Williams film. After that, however, it’s on to the food and watching friends and relatives get apocalyptically drunk until a spinster aunt bursts into tears at the first rendition of ‘Angels’. Good fun for all.

It makes us wonder exactly how the Royal Family can claim to be on the same plain as the rest of us. Admittedly, a more dysfunctional family wedding you’re unlikely to find, but, we somehow doubt that the emotional outpouring of an entire country of credulous morons bleating about the cultural significance of two people getting married will allow this wedding to be anything more than a hideous sideshow.

Of course, enough has been said about the impending Royal wedding already to render that entire previous paragraph redundant but little has been made of the reception. Somehow we doubt that ‘Wills’ and ‘K8′ will hire either a Runrig tribute band or hecklerspray chief whip Mof Gimmers to play records at the celebration of their nuptials. Instead a plethora of world famous stars (and Kerry Katona) are likely to throw their hats into the ring to play the gala bash.

The first of these is Sean Coombs, AKA Diddy, AKA P Diddy, AKA Puff Daddy, AKA The Honey Monster who told The Daily Star that he would love to play the Royal Wedding reception. hecklerspray sources have informed us that the only payment he would seek is a full set of commemorative china whereas Elton John was looking for top-billing (above the bride and groom) and a 200 page spread in the Daily Express with an extra 50 page feature on the individual tears of the crowd during ‘Candle in the Wind’.

Unfortunately for Diddy his long-running feud with The Queen, AKA The Queen, might scupper his attempts to be involved in the celebrations.

Ever since their falling out over the liner credits on “The Saga Continues…” in which he referred to the monarch as an “overbearing German witch”, the Queen has been unwilling to hear Diddy’s apologies. Reports suggest that she turned the rapper away from Buckingham Palace this week after he dropped by to clear the air by offering her a copy of his latest LP.

So will Diddy be playing the royal wedding to a bemused, mostly inbred crowd?

No. Probably not. But why shouldn’t a deluded multi-millionaire record producer and raconteur be allowed to dream his dreams?

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Adele – great voice, shame she’s a dick – must have an album out soon because she keeps cropping up in the press talking about inane rubbish. No different from any other popstar then? Well, that’s not strictly true because some of the things Adele’s been coming out with are just… odd.

Recently, she chastised herself for being an idiot when it comes to men (expecting them to be able to read her mind) and talked about her gay friends crying on her doorstep all the time (what is she doing to them?), but all that has nothing on her latest tale.

Basically, she nearly killed P Diddy. With a golf buggy.

Now read that back. Adele nearly killed Puff Daddy with a golf buggy. Did any of you have the same image in your mind that we had in ours? That Adele picked up the golf buggy with her formidable arms and tried to beat the rapper into a coma while cackling like a maniac?

No? Okay. Spoilsports.

She talks about the incident:

“I was shooting a video on one of the big American plots, six hours I was there and I wasn’t doing anything”

“So I convinced someone to let me drive a golf buggy. I ran the battery out by the end of the day.

“P Diddy must have been doing a fragrance advert or something. I was in the buggy with a mate and I saw him. I meant to put the brake on and go, ‘Oh, you’re P Diddy!’ But I hit the accelerator.”

“He had to dive out the way. As we went past I was like, ‘You’re P Diddy’. He just said, ‘Yeah, I know’. I almost, almost killed him.”

Nice to see that P Diddles is so calm in the face of death. Very slow moving death if we’re being honest. Those golf carts don’t move too fast, especially when being driven by one of Britain’s biggest pop stars.

And yes, we meant that as a lame joke.

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P Diddy is a very wealthy man. Wealthy enough, in fact, to get us to pose for several embarrassing pictures with 1,000 severed crocodile dongs.

We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.

May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.

Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.

Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.

Either P Puff Diddy Daddy is the father of Cameron Diaz too and the two are just trying to sort out their new-found paternity issues, or they’re dating. Either way they’ve been spotted all over the place holding hands, giggling and basically tip-toeing into Prince’s basement.

Now if you’re like us you are currently dumbfounded by the image of P Diddy giggling. If we were a jury we’d say this conclusively proves he had nothing to do with the death of Tupac. Also if you’re anything like us you want to know why he’s apparently attracted to dirt-growing vegetables, and/or people that resemble them.

But he is. Look at this here – it’s from the NY Daily News:

“Sly Stallone, John Legend, Eddie Murphy, Babyface and other guests were riveted by the 2 1/2-hour backyard concert [Prince] gave to launch his book 21 Days. But Diaz and Diddy seemed only to have eyes for each other.

“During the show, they laughed and held hands. At one point, while Diddy sipped a Grey Goose, Cameron told him he “must” try her bread pudding, which she proceeded to spoon-feed him. After some whispering, Diddy nodded toward Prince’s mansion.

“Once inside, he led Diaz by the hand through its labyrinthine corridors to Prince’s basement. That’s where we came upon the entranced twosome standing in the theater’s doorway. Diddy was bringing his lips toward hers when he realized someone was approaching. Smiling, they closed the theater’s door and locked it. We heard them giggling inside.”

Just try to deny that now – go on just try it. You can’t, right? That’s because it’s true – but it shouldn’t surprise you. Diddy took a crack at Sienna Miller a while back, but now she just sleeps with Cobra Commander instead. The rapper’s also taken several cracks at women who keep DNA testing his secret children. This plethora of sexy relationships would seem to imply the man doesn’t need to date someone who looks like a delicious hamburger topping, but he does it anyway. Here’s more proof – see that way over there? Click on it:

We found that last bit on a napkin we saw fall out of Diaz’s purse, but perhaps the most shocking part of all is that in several instances it seems she’s completely forgotten how to write cursive. Cursed be the public school system. Or maybe it’s something we wrote that ourselves with a 2.0 version of Photoshop.

Either way we’ll not retract our public school comment.