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Olympics

IOC: ‘Oh Michael Phelps, How Could We Ever Stay Mad At You?’

by Stuart Heritage

Michael Phelps exemplifies the Olympic spirit better than anyone, in that he’s a genetic freak who looks a bit dim.

But Michael Phelps’ Olympic career looked like it was over this weekend – thanks to that picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party.

Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he’s done. Silly IOC – that’s not shame, that’s just what Michael Phelps’ mangled-up face normally looks like.

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Michael Phelps Sorry For Being Such A Drug-Crazed Lunatic

by Stuart Heritage

Michael Phelps, the man probably best known for starring in a Guitar Hero advert, has had better weekends.

Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps.

That’s disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he’d be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that’s what.

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Marion Jones Does A Roidy Blub-Blub On Oprah

by Stuart Heritage

We like our female athletes like we like our coffee – brutish and startlingly masculine – which is why we like Marion Jones so much.

Oh come on, you remember Marion Jones – the American athlete who won five medals at the 2000 Olympics and then lost them all because she was pumped up to the knockers on steroids, and then ended up getting thrown in jail for the exact same reason. Essentially Marion Jones is the Incredible Hulk, only bulkier and with a deeper voice.

Oprah Winfrey thinks so too, because yesterday Marion Jones appeared on her show in her first post-prison interview. Were there tears? Yes. Were therehamfisted stabs at self-help therapy-speak? Yes. Was there a moment where Marion Jones lost her temper with Oprah Winfrey, crushed her skull with one hand andjavelined her dead body into the sun. No, no there wasn’t. And don’t think we’re not disappointed about that.

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Michael Phelps May Cure Lindsay Lohan of Being Boring

by Ian Dransfield

Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps. The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time [...]

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

This week’s uppers and downers. Folded: Prawn cocktail Pringles (these really make sense) I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry (annoying toy lesbian or taking the piss? Probably taking the piss, so laugh) Madonna’s jiggly boobs in the 4 Minutes video (okay, so we’re not Nuts magazine, but we’ve got eyes) Genuine Childs (they guys [...]

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Jordan Wants To Olympic-Compete With Horses

by Shawn Lindseth

Jordan has kindly agreed to bring home an equestrian gold medal for Britain from a nonspecific future Olympic game, but only on two conditions:

1) She has to be able to use the horse her husband just got her, and 2) The horse has to be a female with silicone implanted all along its nipple-line to make it beautiful like her. The horse is a male now, but several veterinarians have assured us if the steed gets sex changed now it’ll still have plenty of time to make a recovery before anyone has to put it’s name on a roster down in ol’ Beijing.

If those two requirements are met, assuming they are not 100% fabricated, it pretty much guarantees England a horse-related gold medal for the first time since Prince Harry accidentally won one when he was seen by judges trotting around the high-jump parking lot in Athens four years ago.

By the way, Jordan, a woman famous for something or other, seriously did mention competing in the Olympics with the horse her husband just got her. Now if she could just finish coordinating the horse’s natural jumping ability with that of the pole vault they’d really sport a chance.

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