When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.
Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don't have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.
There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n? Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there’s always Plan B – giving The Spice Girls some work again.
Last year, the majority of people were suitably impressed when Beijing opened the Olympics. They had fireworks, people doing all sorts of dances and had funky signs with writing that looked the same as to the ones you see on takeaway menus. According to trusty Wikipedia, the host nation is meant to present artistic displays of music, singing, dance, and theatre representative of its culture. Or, strictly speaking, you're meant to outdo the previous city and make them look crap.
So when we think of London, what comes to mind? Jellied eels, EastEnders, rats, the London Underground and the fact that a can of Coke costing 40p in Blackburn would be 90p in our dear capital. But where does that leave us? No-one is suggesting that we round a group of people, dress them as tube stations and do some wacky dance. That would be silly. And like the London Underground, it’d end up being too hot, delayed and then aborted completely when a breakaway faction of the Jubilee line inevitably decides to go on strike midway through.
But what about the legacy of British music? After all there have been some legendary bands that this country has produced. Sadly though a lot of them can't make the ceremony for various reasons. The Beatles have half of their members missing, Queen are rubbish without Freddie Mercury, any plans for Oasis were scuppered when the Gallagher brothers both fell into a terminal sulk, Blur are too busy making cheese and Radiohead might just depress everyone into going home.
Hold on a second though! What's that in the distance? We can just about hear the squeals of five ageing women telling us what they really really want. It's not a Botox injection or a chance to write a crap book, they want to open the Olympics. That's right kids; media man Simon Fuller claims that The Spice Girls are one of the best loved in history, and he wants them at the Olympics. Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, he said:
?Demand for the Spice Girls remained high. They stand for so much in British music history and I can’t think of a better time for them to get back together for another performance.?
Do we really want to see 40-year-old women warbling away to their old songs again? If so, then probably is what the UK is culturally all about. Seeing women out on the town who still think they're young and relevant.
Go London 2012!
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
shooty* says
It’s a tricky one, alright.
How DO you represent binge drinking, hopeless government, everything costing more than the rest of the world, casual rascism, a creeping police state, teenage pregnancy, constant aggression, low general level of intellect, the ubiquitous cry of “don’t you judge me!”, Jeremy Kyle and an overall “not as good as it once was” vibe through the medium of interpretive dance?
Personally, I think it can only be done by a 12 strong team of truck drivers and darts players, doing a synchronised swimming routine which ends in everyone vomitting and falling asleep in a ditch.