Michael Phelps, the man probably best known for starring in a Guitar Hero advert, has had better weekends.
Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps.
That’s disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he’d be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that’s what.
When he won all those gold medals in the Olympics last year, just about every newspaper in the world ran a story about how he consumed 12,000 calories every single day. At the time it seemed like a testament to his professional dedication and unrelenting training. Now, though, we’ve woken up to the fact that it’s probably because Michael Phelps is always shitfaced on drugs.
OK, not ‘always’ shitfaced on drugs – Michael Phelps was pictured yesterday in a newspaper appearing to smoke a bong in what could very well be a one-off incident. And possibly not drugs, either – nobody can be completely sure what was in that bong. There’s just as good a chance that Michael Phelps was inhaling a nutritious infusion of steamed asparagus through the pipe. But, hey, let’s chance it and go with the drug thing anyway.
Obviously – since smoking cannabis naturally makes individuals more energetic, driven and liable to take the participation in professional sports more seriously – these pictures could well lead Michael Phelps to a ban from competitive swimming. Cannabis is banned by both the Olympics and the World Anti-Doping Agency, and a first-time offence usually results in a two-year ban.
And that’s why Michael Phelps wants you to know that he’s very, very sorry. About everything. Bloomberg reports:
?I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me,? the record 14- time Olympic gold medal-winning swimmer said in a statement through his representatives, Octagon. ?For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again.?
It’s a shame that Michael Phelps was forced to make an apology like this. As a child he was teased at school for his awkward shape, lanky frame and clumsiness on dry land, but by winning all the gold medals at the Bejing Olympics last year Michael Phelps was able to teach those bullies a lesson – now people only treat him with the utmost respect, calling him names that reflect his success like The Human Fish, Captain Penguin, Mr Olm and That Freaky Mutant Mer-Man Bastard. But now those days could be numbered.
Of course, a ban isn’t guaranteed – Michael Phelps hasn’t tested positive for drugs yet – but if Michael Phelps is banned from swimming, it wouldn’t be all bad. Give him a few years in the wilderness and we’re certain that Michael Phelps will come back stronger than ever, with a fairly good autobiography, an extensive Marion Jones-style Oprah interview and a near-professional Xbox skill level.
True, they might not be achievements on the scale of being the most successful-ever Olympian, but at least they’ll distract people’s attention away from thinking that Michael Phelps looks a bit like the inbred banjo kid from Deliverance. And, if he’s going to do anything with his life, it should probably be that.
JBC says
Contact your elected officials and tell them you’ve had enough of prohibition & you want marijuana legalized. Here are the contact links: http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml and, http://speaker.house.gov/contact/ Please, copy & paste this comment into every news article about marijuana.
mike says
this article is terrible
Michael Phelps News says
I wish everyone would just leave Michael Phelps alone and give the guy some privacy. I don’t hold this against him and neither should anyone else. But they will and they are and they are blogging about it. Come on, Obama, give a little support speech for Michael Phelps.
Cgywin says
infact i wouldn’t believe his medals in the olympics were real either, this guy actually takes drugs to compete, the Olympic committee is taking a serious look at his samples right now and found out that he was also on drugs back then during the olympics
Josh Power says
Indeed a terribl article. Mr Heitage were you perhaps one of said bullies?