Jordan has kindly agreed to bring home an equestrian gold medal for Britain from a nonspecific future Olympic game, but only on two conditions:
1) She has to be able to use the horse her husband just got her, and 2) The horse has to be a female with silicone implanted all along its nipple-line to make it beautiful like her. The horse is a male now, but several veterinarians have assured us if the steed gets sex changed now it’ll still have plenty of time to make a recovery before anyone has to put it’s name on a roster down in ol’ Beijing.
If those two requirements are met, assuming they are not 100% fabricated, it pretty much guarantees England a horse-related gold medal for the first time since Prince Harry accidentally won one when he was seen by judges trotting around the high-jump parking lot in Athens four years ago.
By the way, Jordan, a woman famous for something or other, seriously did mention competing in the Olympics with the horse her husband just got her. Now if she could just finish coordinating the horse’s natural jumping ability with that of the pole vault they’d really sport a chance.
When a horse recently showed up on Jordan’s front porch all saddled up and ready to go, chances are her first thoughts weren’t of eating it, though maybe they should have been. Hecklerspray speculates her first thoughts were ‘skin graft donor‘ as her boobs could really use a touch up from what we’ve heard.
Now if someone gave us a horse, the first thing we’d do is cut off one of its legs so it could never leave us. Then we’d take it out to jump over moving school buses. The children inside would ooh and ahh as we galloped away with perfect horse posture, after a few yards we’d stop, turn and yell “stay in school, kids” while giving them one of those military forehead salutes. Children today just don’t get that message enough.
You see though, that’s where Jordan differs so greatly from us. While we would use our horse-having powers to better the world around us, she just wants to use hers to selfishly compete in the stupid gay-wad Olympics. A friend of hers said:
“[Jordan] loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further. It’s her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics.”
We’ll be the first to admit we don’t know what a dressage competition is, but the name certainly implies it has something to do with dressing horses up in gigantic four legged Barbie clothes, earning points for over-all style and beauty.
If that’s the case, count us in – our attic is full of nothing but horse dresses. Some of them we’re pretty sure are Olympic quality too.
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