Michael Phelps exemplifies the Olympic spirit better than anyone, in that he’s a genetic freak who looks a bit dim.
But Michael Phelps’ Olympic career has taken a massive blow. It’s all thanks to that pesky picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party.
Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he’s done. Silly IOC – that’s not shame, that’s just what Michael Phelps’ mangled-up face normally looks like.
There’s no doubting that Michael Phelps is an athletic legend. Not only is Phelps the greatest Olympian in history – a monster forged through hard work and technology who needs to consume a week’s worth of food every single day just to keep his stupidly-proportioned body moving – but he’s managed to achieve that despite being a gigantic pothead.
Yesterday Michael Phelps was forced to apologise after a picture of him smoking a bong at a grotty party in a house with nasty wallpaper was published in a Sunday newspaper. The photo had potentially serious consequences – cannabis is a substance that’s been banned both by the IOC and the World Anti-Doping Agency, and usually comes with a two-year ban.
Admittedly that’s not all bad news – a ban would mean that Michael Phelps wouldn’t be able to win any more gold medals, which means he’d have fewer to wear in all his shameless product endorsement photo sessions, which means the weight of them all would be less likely to pull his head off and spurt blood out of his neck everywhere as he staggers around like some sort of hideous bloody lycra-clad oil rig – but that’s not something we have to concern ourselves with right now.
Because the IOC has decided that, so long as Michael Phelps is sorry for what he’s done, he can keep being in the Olympics. Reuters reports:
“Michael Phelps is a great Olympic champion. He apologised for his inappropriate behaviour,” IOC spokeswoman Emmanuelle Moreau said on Monday. “We have no reason to doubt his sincerity and his commitment to continue to act as a role model.”
That’s definitely good news – not just for Michael Phelps but for all of those who see him as a role model. Those people, incidentally, include Snoop Dogg, Afroman, everyone in Phish, the cast of Dude, Where’s My Car and both Harold AND Kumar.
However, we see what the IOC is doing here – it’s clear that it chose not to punish Michael Phelps because his Olympic career is as good as over anyway.
Not only does all this pot smoking mean that Phelps now has a resting heartrate of, say, one lonely thump every two or three months, but it’s a scientific fact that growing a ratty beard and wrapping brightly-coloured elastic bands around it can severely cut down a swimmer’s stroke efficiency. And, let’s face it, that’s going to be Michael Phelps’ next step.
But let’s take Michael Phelps at his word anyway – if he says he won’t smoke any more pot, then we have no option but to believe him. And we’re certain that we’ll be seeing him winning even more gold medals at the 2012 Olympics, to be held in the notoriously drug-free environs of east-end Londo… uh-oh.
C J Davies says
No ‘Phelp I’m A Fish’ gag crowbarred in? What’s WRONG with you?
Stuart Heritage says
Do you know how hard it is to write a story about Michael Phelps when the literally the only thing you can think of is ‘Phelp I’m A Fish’? Bloody hard.
coffee says
next thing you know, Phelps will be trading in his medals to score something even more hardcore than weed — like a pack of Marlboros!