The curse of Celebrity Big Brother is rearing its ugly head again as former contestants and professional divorcees Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton announce that they think they’re ready to reproduce.

Jordan’s former fella spread the word via one of those glossy lady rags that you see in your dentist’s waiting room, but would never pick up because there’s a picture of Alex Reid on the cover trying his best to look like he’s still a cage-fighter…

…or vaguely relevant.

According to Reid, who’s been dating Chantelle for less than 6 months, Houghton is, “the one.” He didn’t clarify whether he meant romantically or in more of an intellectual capacity, but for arguments sake we’ll just assume he meant he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with a woman who secretly arranged for photographers to follow her and her ex, Rav Wilding, around, just so that she’d get some column inches.

The lawyers have informed us that we should probably point out that it’s only alleged that Chantelle had the paparazzi follow her around, but let’s be honest, we all know it was true.

So, with a cross dressing cage fighter and an equally imbecilic former Paris Hilton impersonator for parents, what can we expect from this imminently arriving celebrity sprog?

First off, upon exiting the womb the baby will be expected to sign an exclusivity deal with both OK! Magazine and Channel 5, ensuring that every word, step, burp and bowel movement will be documented live for our entertainment. It’ll be like the Truman Show, but with a disturbing sexual undertone.

Secondly, the baby is going to be stupid and we blame the parents. Let’s face it, Reid and Houghton have probably spent more time on a sun bed than they have curled up with a good book.

Thirdly, it’s inevitable that Alex and Chantelle, or Alelle as we are now to call them, will be voted as celebrity parents of the year. Despite the fact the child was quite obviously just a PR stunt that they’ll end up dumping 6 months later, like the proverbial kitten in a sack.

Good luck Alex and Chantelle. May the fruit of your loins be every bit as charismatic and loveable as you are.

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Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.

However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.

However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.

In the interests of complete transparency of the British press, we review the evidence in more detail…

First of all, this ‘mystery woman’. Just who is she, what is her job, why is she occasionally seen near Brad?

There seem to be few indications, other than the fact that she has only been photographed on the film set where she seems a constant presence, prominently wearing a production-staff ID around her neck and a copy of the shooting schedule clipped to her belt. THERE JUST AREN’T ANY CLUES! It’s almost like she works there or something.

Why are they spending so much time together? According to a ‘source’, “they’re always hanging out during filming and laughing.” What can this mean? Why only during filming? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! And what’s with all this laughing? What can the millionaire Brad Pitt possibly have to laugh about?

And of course, the truly damning piece of evidence – the arm-touching photo.

Oh do you know what, we can’t be bothered. We’re going to go out on a limb(!) and say that a female production runner on forthcoming film World War Z had to grab the arm of doe-eyed imbecile Brad Pitt to steer him in the direction of his next scene, if only to prevent him repeatedly banging into a brick wall with mounting confusion like the over-grown toddler he actually is.

And that a gossip rag more contemptible than even us has published the picture and is now encouraging it’s readers to wonder if Angelina now feels the way Jennifer Aniston did when Brad was merrily bursting Jolie on set. Classy.

We’re going to stake our reputation on the belief that Brad Pitt is not having an affair. And that Brad Pitt’s arm is not having an affair with a woman’s hand. And – very importantly – that Brad Pitt’s penis is not having an affair with a woman’s inner vaginal walls.

That last part is DEFINITELY not the case.

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Things we’ve learnt today, number 14 – Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene.

She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.

At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.

Jessica Alba really couldn’t have picked a worse time to have her baby, could she? Usually when a female celebrity has a baby, their profile shoots up and everyone thinks they’re wonderful, but that hasn’t really happened with Jessica Alba.

The truth is that people don’t care too much about Jessica Alba’s baby because they’re all babied-out. Nicole Kidman had a baby and Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby and Angelina Jolie had two babies and so just even thinking about Jessica Alba’s baby makes people want to hurt themselves, to be honest. It makes them want to hurt themselves in the eyes.

However, although Jessica Alba is so bland that she can’t drum up attention towards her baby without falling back on the old sexy talk, young Honor Marie had a genius wheeze up her sleeve – she made sure that she was born with an adult male’s haircut.

Perfect – and with a USP like rampant man-hair, Jessica Alba managed to sell her baby photos to OK! magazine for a cool $1.5 million. The fact that Honor Marie was born looking like a model in a poster on the wall of a small-town British barbershop in the mid-1980s wasn’t really brought up in the accompanying interview, but we know. We all know.

Anyway, Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren told OK!:

“She looks like a girl version of me,” Cash says. “She has my nose, my eyebrows and my…” “Forehead and dimples,” Jessica finishes, adding, “She has my mouth when I was a baby. And my ears.” “Maybe Honor is a mixture,” Cash reconsiders. “I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I’d kill myself!”

What? Cash Warren would kill himself if his daughter looked like Jessica Alba? If she looked like his own famously beautiful wife? What an odd thing to say. Does that mean:

a) Cash Warren would kill himself because he thinks that Jessica Alba is really ugly?

b) Cash Warren would kill himself in advance so he wouldn’t have to deal with the boyfriends that a girl who looks like Jessica Alba would inevitably be swamped with? Or

c) Cash Warren would kill himself out of shame for finding his daughter attractive?

We genuinely don’t know, but it’s a weird quote to put in an interview accompanying the first public pictures of your child. Imagine in 20 years time when the family are reminiscing together: “Shall we look at your baby photos, Honor Marie?” “What, the ones in the magazine where Dad threatened suicide for no discernible reason? No, I’m OK without, ta.”

In fact, between that and the weird Roger The Dodger haircut that the stylist has decided to give Honor Marie, it might be a good idea if Jessica Alba put her copy of the magazine in the bottom of a drawer and just forgot about it forever.

Read more:

Jessica Alba’s Dream Baby – OK!

Jamie Lynn Spears was raised in a totally different environment to the rest of us, so she obviously has her own idea of what’s fun.

So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No – according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that’s stolen the rest of your life and won’t respond to reason or logic is fun.

We’re referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears’ new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that’s thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable ‘I hate my baby and wish it was never born’ postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.

There’s nothing that thrusts someone into maturity quite as fast as parenthood. Take Britney Spears for example. Before she gave birth to her first baby, Britney was a slip of a girl who couldn’t be trusted to make any decision for herself. But since she became a mother, Britney Spears has… no, wait, bad example.

Let’s take her sister Jamie Lynn Spears instead, then. True, Jamie Lynn may have shocked the world by getting pregnant while she was still at school to an older boy she met at church, but that mistake of hers has resulted in the creation of a new life that, while technically a Spears, still almost qualifies as completely human.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to her little bundle of sexual irresponsibility, a little girl named Maddie, last month. Since having her baby, Jamie Lynn Spears has been quietly sheltering it from media attention by raising it in Mississippi with her boyfriend, who may or may not be a ‘lying, cheating dog‘.

But now that baby Maddie is past that that all-important ’10 days old’ mark, Jamie Lynn Spears has rightly guessed that now’s a good enough time to run screaming to the nearest magazine and blab endlessly about the tot for cash.

Which she has – this week’s OK! magazine has a cover featuring Jamie Lynn Spears and her new baby, and an interview with the new mother inside.

But before you start getting all judgmental about how it’s morally wrong to sell out a baby to a magazine when it’s too young to give its consent, think again.

Ever since she announced her pregnancy, Jamie Lynn Spears has had to battle presumptions that she’s too young to become a mother, and this OK! interview was the perfect chance for her to explain her feelings in a measured, well thought-out manner that would leave nobody questioning her emotional maturity.

So, Jamie Lynn Spears, the floor is yours. What profound insights can you give us on the subject of motherhood?

“I love taking care of her. It is so much fun. I just want to hug her and kiss her, and I’m happy all the time.”

Oh.

Well, never mind. Don’t forget that Jamie Lynn Spears is still only 17 years old, so you can’t expect her to be able to verbalise her thoughts as lucidly as others. Besides, it looks very much like Jamie Lynn Spears wants to be a full-time mother, and that means she won’t be starring in any more rubbishy TV shows. That baby really is a blessing.

So let’s just congratulate Jamie Lynn Spears on her new baby and pray it never succumbs to the mental illness issues that have plagued other members of her family.

In the finest tradition of any parent of a popular tabloid celebrity, yet another money-making scheme has been hatched by Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay and rumoured father of future singing sensation (ahem) Ashley Kaufmann.

This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.

Yes, it has been revealed that Michael Lohan has approached a number of tabloid magazines, offering to sell his story (or potential story, as we should actually call it) for a rather tidy sum of cashmoney. The man doesn't even know if he is actually the parent of this girl, yet he already has contingency plans in the works to fatten his wallet through her.

What the fuck?

There's the sickening fact that Ashley Kaufmann already has something of a pop career lined up for her, solely on the strength that she might be the daughter of a bloke who popped out a sprog famous for getting wasted and flashing her lady-bits. That should have been it – that should have been bad enough. That should have been the thing that pushed our collective consciousness at hecklerspray over the chasm, into the endless void below, never to return.

But it wasn't – we remained strong. We fought through and we tried to make some sense of it. By golly gosh gee whizz – she might turn out to have some talent. It would be a novelty in the bloodline, that's for sure.

But this – this - is a step too far. We may be forced to renounce our semi-popular celebrity-bating ways and take up refuge in a remote monastery, praying to a god who may not even exist to help us. For we, as a human race, have been forsaken.

Ashley Kaufmann might not even be Michael Lohan's daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Do you see?

One more time?

She might not even be his daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Yes, there are claims that the money would be used to fund 'back child support' that ol' spunky (potentially) owes, but surely there are other ways to get a hold of this? And surely, just maybe possibly surely, there's an extra few dollah dollahs in it for he with the (allegedly) wayward penis? Call us cynical – please, do, we like it – but that's what we  at hecklerspray smell cooking.

But wait! Put down the razor blade, turn off the gas, take your head out of the cooker and untie that noose – there may yet be hope for civilisation as we know it! For the bods at People and OK! magazine have apparently turned down Lohan's approach! There's a chance that for once in this messed up, pointless and unfulfilling world that things have gone the way they should – that good prevails over evil, sense toes the line and we sit back, relax and enjoy things for a brief few minutes.

If you're listening god, which you probably aren't because you're off talking to insane people in the Bible Belt who no one will believe when they tell us all you spaketh to them: please stop Michael Lohan from doing this. If you do we'll bake you a fresh pasty, or even a cake – we might even say 'thank you'. It would be the first and last thanks you'd ever get from us, but we'd mean it. We really, really would.

You may have read reports about Jessica Simpson getting dumped by Tony Romo – and it doesn't matter if you haven't, because Jessica Simpson's read it for you.

We know. Jessica Simpson can read. Weird.

Anyway, Jessica Simpson isn't pleased about the reports, to the extent that she's getting her lawyers to make OK! magazine apologise for telling lies.

But, hey, Jessica Simpson can read. Who knew?

You can't always believe what you read. Why, just the other day we read that if you grab a baby by the ankles and shake really hard its eyes fall out. Not true at all. Also we read that Dallas Cowboys sporty-type Tony Romo had dumped his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. And apparently that's not true either, although it hasn't got us in as much trouble with the police as the first one.

Apparently, according to a report in the February 4 edition of OK! magazine entitled 'Jessica Dumped!' Tony Romo split up with Jessica Simpson because he didn't want to move to LA, she didn't want to leave LA and, besides, she's a double shot of bad luck for him. And also Jessica's sister Ashlee kind of thinks she's a bitch.

That's the reported version, at least – we think it's probably a lot more likely that Tony Romo caught a glimpse of Jessica Simpson's silhouette in profile one night, thought a Tyrannosaurus  Rex had come to eat him and dumped her out of fear.

Wait, no, that's not true, either. In fact, Jessica Simpson is saying that none of it is true and that she's going to hold her breath until OK! does a massive apology saying that it lied and that men only dump Jessica Simpson because they're gay, mentally ill or the TV show based on their sham marriage to her comes to an end. Or something. TMZ reports:

Simpson's lawyers have sent a letter to OK!'s Editor-in-Chief, Sarah Ivens, claiming OK!'s article is bogus, adding that Jess and Tony are still together and that Ashlee and Jessica remain close. The attorneys say the article reflects a "smear campaign" and has subjected Simpson to "public contempt, ridicule, aversion or disgrace." The lawyers want OK! to "immediately publish a prominent and unambiguous" retraction.

So the truth seems to be that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still very much together, for the time being at least. We're sure that news will be welcomed by the millions of Dallas Cowboy fans around the world who all now see Jessica as a jinx-laden Yoko Ono hero-destroyer figure.

But anyway, even if Tony Romo had split up with Jessica Simpson, would it really be all that bad. After all, all Jessica needs to do is make one phonecall to her dad and she can have any boyfriend she wants. 

Besides, all of this palaver has just caused a bigger problem for Jessica Simpson. By getting her lawyers to order a retraction from OK! because of a 'smear campaign' against her, she's shown herself to be humourless, heavy-handed and just a little bit paranoid. People don't think anyone has a smear campaign out against Jessica Simpson for one very obvious reason. 

And that reason is that people just don't care about Jessica Simpson enough to create a smear campaign. Ask yourself this: if Jessica Simpson suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth, how long would it take for you to notice? Months? Years? Face it, you'd have to end up stuck on an aeroplane being forced to watch Employee Of The Month before you even started to wonder where she'd gone.

And even then you'd think she was Mandy Moore.

Read more:

Jessica Says There's B.S. in OK! – TMZ