Puny Disney milktoast, Nick Jonas, is so lacking in edge that he’s akin to some amorphous blob with eyebrows. However, it is vitally important that young women fancy him, or else he loses all sense of value to his team.

So what can he do? How can he aimlessly wander into the fantasies of pre-pubescent women again? There must be something!

Hey! What’s this? Here’s a news story about Nick Jonas feeling that he’s “open” to the idea of going naked on stage. How useful!

If you didn’t know, Nick Jonas (chances are, you’re still wondering who the hell he is – suffice to say, The Jonas Brothers have occupied a million teenage wanks and that’s all you need to know) is taking over from Daniel Radcliffe in the Broadway show ‘How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’.

In that play, Daniel Radcliffe showed everyone his genitals. Everyone couldn’t quite believe a human could be that pale without being certified dead. Apart from the Celts of the world who actually thought he looked ‘quite tanned’.

And so, will Jonas Brother be showing everyone what he’s been hiding in his underpants all this time? Well, he’s not against it. Putrid.

“I love theatre and I understand the difference between acting and who you are as a person.”

“I don’t know that it’s something I would’ve done in the end, but I definitely would’ve considered it. You have to be open to everything.”

Realising that his young fans will, at some point, grow out of him, Nick Jonas threw a wink to the gays in the hope he can spin silk from his sow’s ear.

“We love our gay fans. It was definitely cool when we realised that, because the more you can grow your audience, the more people you can impact.”

“They’ve been incredible over the years. My brothers and I totally look forward to meeting them, because they really respond to our style, and it’s cool to see how our influence has impacted what they’re wearing.”

“They also give really good gifts at our meet-and-greets — hats, scarves, and other things. They always have good taste.”

Oh, there you have it.

Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.

Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.

BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’?

When a boyband runs out of ideas, it is a good idea to trade on the vague drama they’ve had in their career.

This usually manifests itself in a song about how much they’ve grown up, complete with a black and white montage video of all the members, complete with slightly embarrassing footage of them starting out and slo-mo screaming fans in a stadium somewhere (usually South America to show just how popular they are worldwide).

Sadly, most boybands are completely soap-opera free. In Take That’s case, they are an actual band, so the slightly pretentious documentaries, scandals and reunions are as close to the real deal as supposedly more credible rock bands. In the case of Westlife, they’ve simply forged a career through tenacity. They simply refuse to go away. The closest thing to controversy is when doe-eye in chief, Shane Filan, responded to a potential McFadden reunion last year, when he said:

“I don’t think it’s even remotely interesting if Brian came back”

That’s almost an opinion! That’s definitely the closest thing Westlife have ever gotten to trouble. Naturally, that thinking has been swept under the rug now. The crease has been ironed out. There’s no need for Westlife to be even remotely interesting. Shane now says:

“I look up to bands like Take That who are the best out there and it was good to see them put the past behind them and move on by having Robbie back.”

“I’d never rule out Brian coming back because there never was a bad patch with him. Brian was great with fans. I definitely think some day it would be great fun to sing with Brian again.”

See? How staggeringly uninteresting is that? We hoped for ‘we’d reluctantly take him back… he was a prize weapon just before he left and he’s got some serious apologising to do… mainly for that gaspingly peculiar chin he’s got.’ But no. Everything is lovely and beige in the Westlife garden. How bloody wonderful.

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Delta Goodrem is a singer. Now, you may find that patronising, but we thought you might need reminding as it would appear she’s only famous for having cancer and being dim enough to see Brian McFadden as a suitable mate.

Of course, once McFadden had released his date-rape classic, ‘Just The Way You Are’ (listen here if you missed it), it didn’t take Goodrem long to bin the former Westlifer off.

And now, much to screaming girls annoyance, Goodrem has been spotted out and about holding hands with crooning clone Nick Jonas.

The biggest scandal for anyone who remotely cares about this tedious union is the age gap between the two singers.

Basically, Delta Goodrem is 26 years old and Nick Jonas recently celebrated his tenth birthday where he received gifts from his singing brothers, such as a singing Justin Bieber toothbrush and some He-Man figures.

Apparently, this gasping duo have developed a close relationship while recording obviously awful tracks for Delta’s new album in LA earlier in the year. And now, they’ve been spotted sloping off for a romantic evening of necking on the back row of the Arclight Cinema.

Amusingly, Delta has been rumoured to have had an affair with ‘work colleague’ while going out with Brian McFadden. We asked the heckler magic 8-ball if the ‘work colleague’ was Nick Jonas and it initially said ‘No’, but we shook it a few times ’til it said ‘All signs point to yes’.

So there you have it. It is definitely on.

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Hey man, don’t sit around feeling all sorry for Madonna because she hasn’t got a boyfriend. That would be a massive waste of time.

Instead, peruse the list of potential suitors below, and decide which one you would consider a worthy follow-up to that pouting Jesus character who recently made a run for it.

Madonna, take your pick.

You’re welcome.

Danny Dyer

If we’ve picked up any clues from Madonna’s marriages, it’s that she likes her men to be slightly violent (Sean Penn), and a little bit cockney (Guy Ritchie). Of course, at this point most people would claim that Guy Ritchie just pretends to be an East End barrow boy, whilst he’s actually a pipe smoking posho. But we shan’t be doing that. Instead, might we suggest that Madonna gives Danny Dyer a go? He actually is a filthy cockney bugger, and something about the way he appears affected by all manner of physical jerks and random facial ticks suggests that were you to surprise him with a sneeze, his impulsive reaction would be to punch you in the throat. Madonna would definitely be drawn to that kind of danger.

Britney Spears

These two have unfinished business. Remember the kiss they did that time? The one where Justin Timberlake sat in the audience with steam coming out of his ears, and the planet actually jolted slightly off orbit because the whole of China hid an erection in unison? Yeah, that was some hot stuff right there. With both girls in the midst of what’s known in the trade as “having a bit of a moment”, it might be time to get naked – all except for their matching red Kabbalah bracelets – and do whatever it is that women in love do when there’s no man involved in the mix. Probably just touch tongues and compare nails, we suspect.

Willem Defoe

No matter how good the actors are, you can’t fake on-screen chemistry. You’ve either got it, or you don’t… got it. And, sweet baby Moses, Madonna and Willem Defoe had so much chemistry in Body of Evidence that they could probably have manufactured some kind of sulphuric explosion just by glancing at one another. Him with the gargoyle-face, her biting his nips, and smearing bubbling handfuls of wax into his underpants – it was steamy. Had that coffee shop lady from When Harry Met Sally been in the bedroom while they were doing it, she’d have asked the waiter for what Madonna was having, not Meg Ryan. That’s how sexy it was. Really really sexy.

Eminem

Back in the 1990s, Madonna famously opted to craft a coffee table book of nude shots, accompanied by hand written pornographic details about exactly how she likes her love making to pan out. One such photograph featured the hardcore street rapper Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) cupping one of her bosoms, and saying something presumed to be rather revolting in her ear. Unfortunately, Vanilla probably lacks the necessary profile to pick up where the pair left off, so perhaps she might settle for a modern day re-enactment with his rightful heir, Eminem? Alternatively, she could wile away the evenings reliving the shot where she pops on a nipple-less outfit and attempts to remove hot toffee from her finger without using her hands? Her choice.

Nick Jonas

Of course, Madonna could just continue the trend of stepping out with increasingly younger men, following 23-year-old Jesus with one of the Jonas Sisters – of whom we’d recommend 17-year-old Nick. He’s a good God-fearing young man, that one, and exactly the kind of quivering virgin needed to add an extra coil to the spring in Madonna’s step. Once his nervous shrieking and relentless praying for forgiveness becomes too much, she can move effortlessly on, safe in the knowledge that at least one teenager will never again be able to hear the opening to Like a Virgin without immediately stress puking and falling into a temporary standing coma until it ends. Job done.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are quickly becoming the stuff of legend.

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Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren’t you? And now we’ve come along and trampled all over it.

Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you’re inevitably taken out by a police helicopter.

Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they’ve gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they’re not splitting up. Sorry.

So listen. The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. But that’s not the end of the world, is it? Because, come on, The Jonas Brothers didn’t split up yesterday and you managed to get through that alright, didn’t you? Or the day before. In fact, if you think about it, The Jonas Brothers haven’t split up on any day since you were born. So today’s news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up isn’t such terrible news on the grand scale of things. It just feels like it’s terrible news. It’s like spending the 1980s in pre-Perestroika Russia. It was shitty, but at least you had the comfort of not knowing what the alternatives were.

So if The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up, then why are we making such a big fuss about them? Well, as usual, it’s all the fault of that idiot Nick Jonas. It’s been announced that Kevin Jonas has broken away to form his own band, entitled Nick Jonas & The Administration. Think of the new band as the Raconteurs to his White Stripes, albeit a version of The Raconteurs that only sings awful songs called things like Oh Girl You Make Me So Super Happy and Sunshine Makes My Heart Go Bippy Bop.

But it’s not just Nick Jonas who’s putting strain on the future of The Jonas Brothers. Kevin Jonas has also decided to take a brief hiatus from the group to see what this whole ‘having sex’ thing is like. And that just leaves poor old Joe Jonas. He needs The Jonas Brothers to continue. He needs it. He’s got two growing eyebrows to feed, for God’s sake. And maybe that’s why Nick and Kevin have decided to tell the world that, no matter what happens, the Jonas Brothers will always be. In a letter to fans, the band wrote:

“We plan to make music together for as long as we can. We’ve said from the beginning of our career as the Jonas Brothers that anything we do outside of the group is a side project because you can’t break up brothers… A three-chord strand is not easily broken, and one thing’s for sure… this three chord strand is stronger now than it’s ever been. You are truly the best fans in the world, and we love you with all our hearts.”

Stupid three-chord strands. If we see a three-chord strand today, we’re going to kick it in the balls.

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Talking about Miley Cyrus all the time may be bad enough, but then we have to go and bring in this Jonas Brothers kid in just to see how far things can actually go downhill.

As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn’t bad enough, now the media feels compelled to report on the fact that two 15-year-olds used to go out with each other. For a bit. And young Hannah Montana has gone and told us all about it. And hecklerspray apparently feels the need to talk about it.

If there was an ounce of dignity left in the world, this ‘news’ is surely the swansong for that poor little blighter. It never stood a chance.

Yet there it is, splashed all over the entertainment press: “Miley Cyrus: Breaking Up With Nick Jonas Was Hard” or the much more tempting: “Miley Cyrus: ‘Maybe I’ll End Up Marrying Nick Jonas’” – every publication getting in its own two cents on the matter, covering a two year relationship between two very young teenagers.

And this is news. That people want to read.

Can someone wake us up from the medically-enforced coma we’re about to put ourselves in when the world stops being so clinically insane, thanks.

You can understand the thinking behind the story when you go to its source – it comes from a magazine called ‘Seventeen’, the type aimed at young teenage girls. Miley Cyrus is sure to be something of a hero to these girls and her talking about a relationship she was in – one that went wrong no less – is sure to give her kudos with the whole ‘relatability’ angle. Fair enough.

There was even a quote from Miley herself talking about it, and it’s just as flowing and eloquent as you would expect from a tweeny prat like her:

“[Nick and I] became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met. He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful and I really like you.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I like you so much.’”

If that’s not enough pure, distilled fact in your face for you then don’t worry – she went on:

“Nick and I loved each other. We still do, but we were in love with each other. For two years he was basically my 24/7. But it was really hard to keep it from people. We were arguing a lot, and it really wasn’t fun.”

Why in the name of all that isn’t awful in this world (an ever-decreasing amount of things) does she think she’s anything other than just a kid? Why is she spouting pseudo-psychological bullshit akin to that coming from a 35-year-old career divorcee? Why can’t she just shut up and get on with her dancing?

And, probably most importantly: why in the name of all that is considered right, moral and not-at-all-stupid-and-pointless was this re-reported on anything approaching the ‘adult’ media? Surely anyone that actually wants to read this stuff is a little bit weird, and probably the kind of person that shouldn’t be allowed to look at kids in the first place?

But hey – as always, we can’t blame the media, because it’s the plebs out there that shape the way they report, and if there weren’t a market for it, they sure as hell wouldn’t print it.

It appears to be yet another pile of this overbearing cynicism that was all too apparent in the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt kid’s photos story, and frankly it annoys us this early in the morning.

Hopefully we can go back to some light-hearted character assassination later today, but for now hecklerspray will just sit, stewing, trying to hold back the chunks of bile-encrusted rage-vomit from hitting the screen or staining the desk.

Oh, and: good morning!