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Have you seen Total Recall? Stupid isn’t it? The only good bits are the woman with 3 boobs, the robot taxi driver, Arnie’s woman disguise, the funny Krang-esque stomach face and Arnie pulling that massive thing out of his nose.
Hang on. Total Recall is clearly brilliant.
Going from apathetic to furious, the film is being remade and the trailer for the trailer has been unleashed online. The full thing is coming on Sunday, but it’ll be awful. It’s got Colin Farrell in it for a kick off.
Robert Pattinson? Shooting his own hand off? Surely any right-minded bullet would be too bored in his presence to actually get the gumption to pass through his doughy flesh? Alas, this is the movies where all manner of unlikely things happen!
That’s right – in new flick Cosmopolis, R-Pattz shoots a Jesus hole in his hand, stabs someone in the eye socket and has lots of sex.
Great news if you’re able to stay awake while he’s on-screen that is.
It’s a cold, dark night, the air is still and silent and an eerie calm falls across the leafy street you see before you. Suddenly, you hear a crackle, then a spark of light. Your heart skips a beat; the adrenaline starts to kick in, what was that?
A deafening crash of thunder fills your ears as a bright light emerges from the ground. What’s happening? You’re heart is racing. Is that a… phone box? WHAT IS GOING ON!
Before you know it, a figure emerges, are they going to kill you, or just probe you? You try to run, but you’re too paralysed with fear to move. The figure lurches into the light as you’re heart prepares to explode in your chest.
Alleged ‘funny man’ and renowned one-trick pony Sacha Baron Cohen is thought to be the only man on earth laughing as it is announced he has signed an exclusive three-year ‘development’ deal with Paramount Studios.
It is believed the ‘developing’ will involve churning-out yet more identikit cinematic ennui-fests destined to leave laughter-enthusiasts stony-faced and mildly depressed.
Announcing the deal, Paramount CEO Brad Grey described Baron Cohen as “the rare global comedy star” which we take to mean: “He has the rare ability of being found desperately unamusing the world over, yet somehow makes sheds of money for film studios. Good toimes, as that other comedy genius Justin Lee Collins would say. But not to his ex-girlfriend. He definitely has nothing to say to her. And never has.”
Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.
That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.
And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.
Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.
The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.
It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.
Yes, we know what you’re thinking and stop looking at us like that. You’re one of those Star Wars nerds that hate everything to do with the franchise after 1982, aren’t you? You don’t have any time for Ewoks or Gungans or modern, snazzy computer graphics. You want to watch monsters that move like they’re on rails and Anthony Daniels hamming it up without any interference from the modern world.
You know what? That’s fine.
Pretty much everything to do with Star Wars after ‘The Empire Strikes Back‘ (and maybe ‘Return of the Jedi’) was such a pile of complete dross that it’s enough to make Michael Winner consider re-releasing some of his films updated to HD. Those of you who groaned at the first appearance of the shambling Jar-Jar Binks would have found yourselves doubled over in agony by the time The Clone Wars hit TV screens.
Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie, has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.
It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.
What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?
